Confession from boyfriend, need help (trigger for CSA)

Hello,
I've been dating a guy for about two months now. At first everything seemed normal, but soon things started to change. I could tell from the beginning that my boyfriend was a little insecure because he would tell me that he didn't deserve me, but I could never figure out exactly why he felt that way. Today after talking for awhile, he revealed to me hisvague memory from childhood when he molested his younger brother, he doesn't remember the details but he thinks he was around 5 or 6 and his brother 2. He said like they were in the bathtub when he became aroused and then abused his brother. He said it happened a few times, but never when he was older than that. My boyfriend has understandably carried the guilt with him all his life (he's 21 now), and desperately wishes to t
apologize to his brother but doesn't know how. The brother is gay and my boyfriend feels like he "turned" him that way. His guilt has affected our relationship through his low self esteem... he says he's broken and that he's not worth me or my time. I love him very much already and have no plans to leave him. He is the sweetest boy I've ever met and he has never done anything to hurt me. I told him that having been so young, he simply didn't understand the implications of his actions and that this doesn't define him. Still, I'm left worrying that this will change our relationship. I told him repeatedly that what happened wasn't his fault but he refuses to believe me. Can anyone offer advice for this? Please, don't tell me just to leave him. I honestly do not blame him... should I?

I think you're right, he was so young he didn't really know what he was doing. I must admit, I did not know that children of 5 or 6 could become aroused so much that they act out on it - it seems unusual.

I do think tho that he needs to see a therapist - he has a few issues to work on and I don't think that he will easily have a healthy relationship until he works on those issues. You already hit the nail on the head that his low self esteem is effecting your relationship so early on. Has he ever sought therapy?

Nobody will say leave him, but if his self-esteem becomes such a problem that you are always feeling wrong-footed, walking on eggshells or too many periods of sadness because of it, then you would be right to leave him. This is something he needs to work on, and whereas it would be good to support him when he gets help, you shouldn't take a bad relationship on if he doesn't take responsibility of his ways and get help.

Good luck.

Thank you for your advice, and for being the only person to reply to my thread. My boyfriend is not currently in therapy but I'm hoping to convince him to go with me once either of us has a job. (I'm 18, he's 21, we both live at home and are unemployed) I was thinking about it earlier and couldn't help but wonder why his family sought therapy for his brother, who had apparently been molested by other people numerous times, but not my boyfriend. His guilt is making him miserable and he claims it feels worse every day. Besides his close family, I'm the only person who knows about it. How am I supposed to help him when I'm not even comfortable with it myself?

Well at least tell him that he did not "turn" his brother into a gay person. You do not need therapy to alleviate that part of his guild, right? Give him information to the extent that gay people are not "turned" gay, and, in addition, that there is nothing wrong with his brother being gay - it is not a bad thing to be gay. It is just a minority sexual orientation.

I am not saying that you will solve the entire problem because you won't, but at least you will have taken a baby step in the right direction.

Hi..I really don't think your bf's action at age 5 made his brother gay by any means..I have 2 sons that are also 3yrs apart. When they were similar age(2/5) they had a neighborhood girl that was 7 that often came to our house to play since I felt sorry for her she didn't have parents home a lot. This girl had an older step brother who I learned much later she had most likely been molested by. One time she ws over I walked in on the kids as she directed my older 5yr old to touch his brothers privates...being 2 my baby didn't know what was going on..Although I may have over reacted at the time she was not allowed over again and I spk w/my boys about bad touch etc...we never talked about it again...both my boys are heterosexual..have/had gf...so I don't believe at all he had the influence for his brother's sexual decisions...He would benefit from counseling tho..if he acted out this way it may have been because he saw something...whether it was porno or otherwise...I'm sure this is difficult for you to see him go through this..but being supportive and being in a relationship w/someone that is going through this will be difficult...I suggest for now try bbeing a good friend/support system in love him but not be in love...bc you will not be in a fulfilling relationship since he can really only focus on himself right now...you need to also be thought of and have your partner support you etc..Hope he gets some help and he is lucky to have you in his life for support Good luck

I agree wholly, he's not responsible for his brothers sexuality. I would even guess that his brother does not remember the incident, or much about it either as he was so young.

You can't help him that much - you're not a therapist.. I think he needs some professional help. You can support him, let him know that you are there for him, but there is not much more you can do.

Therapy - I understand that there is little money to spare. But there are places that offer therapy in the States on a sliding scale. You can look online to find some, or contact social services or human services at your local city state/government to find out more. There is group therapy that costs less too. There are also places online that can offer therapy, though I should imagine they need a little bit more research before signing up to anything. I've seen some for about 100 bucks for four 30 min sessions, which at $25 per session isn't bad I don't think. Also, can he ask his parents for some help?

I do think that he needs to try and sort himself out, especially if he is to expect a healthy, equal relationship.

Best of luck to the both of you

Hugs.