[Zinniaplant]

Hi everyone,

I'm on here to get so advice, I hope someone can help me. My husband and I go to a therapist but it has not helped us get along 100 percent yet. We see finances differently, my husband loves his commission based job as a finical advisor/ training manager. He has been at this job for almost 2 years now and this year has only made about 2,100.00. Leaving me to pick up all the slake. I supported him for the time he is starting out but recently I told him I was done paying for anything I would not do it any more. He was happy for the challenge and thought throw it and he got a credit card to help hime pay for bills. And I'm pissed he is using credit when he is already so in debt. It's seems like another one of his cop outs. And let me mention I lost my job in march and his mom pays for our mortgage for this time well he is trying to make money. His mother has helped him out too much.
So if I want to do anything fun we can't put it up online cuz he is scared his mom will see it and think we are spending money on stuff. It is so aggravating not being able to go out with friends and do fun stuff.
So after we had the discussion about me not paying for anything we had a therapy appointment that weekend and the therapist told me that you see all the ladies in this town they all supported there husbands in the beginning and now they can shop and have a nice life and that I need to continue helping him with the bills so he does not resent me for not doing my part. Flipping A i don't care about the shopping crap I want to live a life where I purchase something for our lives and don't regret the purchase in the next few days after, I want to live a full life and to do that in this day and age you need money not just love.
I never thought I would think of divorce but I do know I'm trying to position myself in a better finical light for myself so if i need to get out of this I can. He loves me very much but he doesn't know how to make me happy anymore and he doesn't he just makes me made hopeless and sick to my stomach. I don't find him attractive and our sex life is terrible, he probably doesn't want me because I nag.
Also when he sees his mother or sister he talks all about how great his job is going and I get really really mad when he says these things because I think they don't know how much we are struggling finically and he makes it seem like he has made some money and he has not made ****. I want to write his mother a letter about what is going on but I don't want him to hate me, sometimes when I'm around his mom or sister I feel like i will blurt it out but I don't because I love him. And I do believe he will be successful someday because he loves what he does. But I can't continue to live like this for much longer I grew up poor and I hate this feeling I get that it will always be like that for me.
Not sure if anyone has been in a situation like this but if so what did you do.

[adam_k]

Financial problems can be really damaging to a marriage. I'm sorry you lost your job and are struggling, but hopefully you can find a new one soon. As far as for him, he need to get some better work. $2,100 is nothing really. You can make more working part time at mcdonalslds. There are better sales jobs out there that can pay more if that is what he wants to do.

I would be very cautious about him using credit cards, expecially to live on. If you get divorced you may be responsible for those debts. It sounds like he is really financially inept. You have to do what you have to so you don't end up on the street. If that means you have to leave, then it Kay be better to be alone and self sufficent than homeless and married. Just my opinion.

It isn't selfish to take care of oneself. We have to remember to do that. We can easily put our selves in the position of supporting a spouse to our own detriment. I would get a handle in your finances fast because they only get worse with time.

I am in a similar situation. My wife owes a large amount of money for student loans. She hasn't had a job in a couple of years. I recently borred $3500 so she could get out of default on her student loans. She is about to blow that money because she has missed her last two payments.

I took the stance of it being her responsibility and I am not going to help her anymore with it. She will have to find a way to sort out what she owes and work to get it taken care of. I can't afford to pay it for her and I don't think I should.

I keep separate finances. I pay all the bills and buy everything we need. If I shared my bank with her she would spend money impulsively and I would be able to pay bills. I had to take control of it because she is irresponsible. That is just how I handle it for myself.

I wish you luck in things. Maybe talking to his family will give them a wake up call and get him to actually make a living and not get deeper in debt.

[Zinniaplant]

Hi adam_k
Thank you for getting back to me. I'm sorry that you are also going through trouble in your relationship. It is one of the hardest times in history finically, I have only had temp jobs most of my career other then working retail. I hope your wife finds a way out of debt.
But do you feel bad not helping her finically. It was the hardest thing for me to say to my husband to take over all the bills. But then the therapist got in the way and we split the bills.
He will never leave this job I have begged him to get a second job and he gets mean and says I will never see him because he will be working all the time. So I back off because I want him to want to have money but he doesn't care to have it. It seems to me he is fine living off of hotdogs and cereal. He tells me if I want things to be different why don't I get a job I can change it for myself. I will get a job but I don't want him relaxing well I make the money like he did when I had the job. And if I go to his family I'm scared they will think I'm looking for hand outs, and his mom would never let him be on the streets she will take care of him forever. She is part of the problem of him waking. He can always fall back on her.

[adam_k]

Yes I do feel bad, but for my situation her not working is causing some problems. I think she has lost a lot of confidence in herself from getting a degree that doesn't have any jobs, and then doing mediocre jobs for a couple months and quoting or getting fired. Its not like I don't help her out. I pay all of the bill that keep a roof over our head and food on the table. She needs to take care of her own responsibilities. She borrowed the money for school, and she agreed to pay it back. I don't feel it is right for me to pay for it, even if I had the $700 a month. The truth is I cannot afford to pay for it.

You should he able to help a spouse out, but don't ruin yourself to do it. Getting credit cards to pay bills when you don't have enough income to pay for them is not sustainable.

Maybe you both could go to a financial counselor to talk some sense into your husband. $2,100 a year is about $40 a week. I don't know how he expects to live on that. The job market is hard right now. Im sorry you have fallen on hard times. I think one way or another you two have to reach an accomdation that meets both of your needs, and hopefully you can find work soon.