[shrunkenviolet]

Hello everyone. I don't know were to begin with this, there's so many facets. I'm Canadian and my husband is an American. We've lived here in the US for 10 years now and I haven't necessarily loved it but tolerated it to be with him. We've been married for 8 years now. He's been saying he wants to have a baby for years but until recently I wasn't emotionally ready and certainly didn't feel like we were financially ready either. I also don't want to have a baby here in the states. I want to be home with my family nearby for support and a better healthcare option in place. (Please don't answer this post with random spoutings of Obama care or America is better than Canada etc. I hear it all day every day from people and I'm quite tired of it) Anyway, after our most recent visit north my husband said he's ready to move up there. Since this vacation he's first been really snippy with me about not having started the application fast enough for his visa, then he's done nothing but complain about what he won't have once we move like certain wines or gourmet food (he works in a high end restaurant). I barely ever see him as it is, our work schedules don't match at all so when I do have time with him he spends it complaining or being overly sarcastic about getting his visa application done. Here's another messed up aspect, ready for it? My brother in law moved in with us in March and since then, as was to be expected we have had almost no sex or time alone together. Instead my husband and brother in law will go out and spend 150 on lunch together and then don't understand why I'm upset. If we're going to relocate to another country we need to clear debt and save money. We've talked about this and every time it goes out the other ear. Last night even we actually had some alone time together during which my husband complained and made sarcastic comments about the move, then declared he wanted sex. I had a pap smear scheduled today so that was a no go, which made him even more upset with me. I feel like at this point I'm just the budget/bill paying/cleaning machine who also happens to be good for a romp in the sheets. He claims he still wants to move to Canada but at this point I'm not sure I want him to come too. I still love him (at least I think I do) but never seeing him and having to deal more often with his brother (who I don't particularly get along with) instead has me at the point where I want to just disappear onto a train home without leaving a note or anything. The only thing holding me back is I don't want to hurt him. Don't know what I'm asking for here, maybe just an ear.

[healingme4me]

He's overspending now, and being sarcastic to you now. And you are being asked to do something he can do himself, fill out his Visa application.

You sound ready to be near your family. Is going home, for a breather, possible, while he gets it together, an option?

[shrunkenviolet]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

He's overspending now, and being sarcastic to you now. And you are being asked to do something he can do himself, fill out his Visa application.

You sound ready to be near your family. Is going home, for a breather, possible, while he gets it together, an option?

He's never been really savvy when it comes to paperwork and stuff. Filling out the application isn't really a problem for me since half of it has to be me anyway. I'm just so worried that he won't get it together. I'm afraid to move with him, have our marriage fail and find myself alone and possibly pregnant. Unfortunately taking a breather isn't an option right now because if I take any more time off I won't be able to get us in a financial position to even make the move. I've mentioned to him taking a break from each other before and he always cleans up his act and makes things nice again. Except we always eventually find ourselves in this position again.

[Jamcha]

Hi,

Just thought I would check your profile out as the advice you gave me was really good! This situation is a really hard one because a lot is at stake.

Why don’t you suggest a evening out like once a month just the two of you to spend quality time together not talking about any of the issues that are putting strain on your relationship just to remind you both why you are together. It doesn’t have to be anything expensive as I understand you need to save if you want the move. Maybe some alone time may do you both some good and may naturally make him want to make the changes for you!

Sometimes I feel like when you apply pressure men stress out and then in turn don’t feel encouraged to take the next step, however I do understand your frustrations as you should be able to talk to your husband about important things in life whether it is stressful or not.

To me it seems like he is spending a lot more time with his brother as he sees him as a way to get some breathing space, where he doesn’t have to discuss ‘stressful’ or ‘serious’ matters.

Maybe set a deadline in your head as to how long you are willing to put up with this as it really isn’t fair on you being as you have already lived in the US for 10 years so have clearly given up a lot. Mention to him one last time that you are willing to help and support with the paperwork so you can do things together.

If after a while he still makes no changes I say make your own plans and show him you are serious as this is your life as well as his! You probably have an amazing family that would appreciate you.

I must admit I have never been in a situation like this and don’t feel very experienced in advising people but just wanted to give my input. Hope this helps even if it is just a little.

By the way you dont deserve the mistreatment, you sound like a lovely lady and you deserve happiness!

xx