I have been with my girlfriend for 10 months now and I am having trouble with insecurity. My relationships before her ended with the girl cheating on me twice. When my current girlfriend and I met, we discussed our pasts and she said that on her last field work summer (right before we met) she cheated on her then boyfriend of 4 years. She said that she knows what she did was wrong but it also helped he realize it was really over. It was going in a downward spiral for 2 years at that point. I am glad she was open and honest but now whenever other men talk to her and I see her being friendly it upsets me, and this summer she went to the same field work trip. She has told me many times that the last time was different and she would never do that to me but it only makes me feel better for a short amount of time. We love each other very much and she is the jealous type as well, but I am afraid that I might never get over this insecurity. She never confessed to him what she did, and tells me that she feels more guilty about what it's doing to me now than what it could do to him if she told him.
Don't people who get away with things like that and never confess eventually repeat? If they can get over it and not have to be punished for it, couldn't that mean they might feel more comfortable doing it again?
How do you get over being cheated on in the past and then finding out that this amazing woman also did that to someone else not too long before dating you? How can you move past the paranoia about her dancing with other men, when dancing is what led to her cheating that night on her ex?

Hello there..

You're insecurity is understandable, having been cheated on and with her past - but she was honest to tell you which is good. But.. it's not fair to bring both of your histories into the here and now although of course I understand why. Try your very best to wipe the slate clean for the both of you - you guys together doesn't have to end the same way. Worrying about it happening and your insecurities will not stop her cheating again - if she is going to do it, she will, so you're kind of putting yourself through a self-inflicted hell here. There is no point thinking the worse if you see her dance with other men, or talking to other men - the first perhaps she could avoid, but the second is pretty much unavoidable so please try not to let jealousy ruin what you have.

If you're struggling with this, perhaps try therapy? If she has issues too, perhaps couples therapy? If you can't see a way out then perhaps it would be better to split up before you get even more emotionally involved. Prob is tho, that the next lady you would meet may never had cheated before, but it's no guarantee that she never will. It can always be a risk, but sometimes someone is worth taking a leap of faith for and letting yourself trust again.

Wish you luck.

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

Hello there..

You're insecurity is understandable, having been cheated on and with her past - but she was honest to tell you which is good. But.. it's not fair to bring both of your histories into the here and now although of course I understand why. Try your very best to wipe the slate clean for the both of you - you guys together doesn't have to end the same way. Worrying about it happening and your insecurities will not stop her cheating again - if she is going to do it, she will, so you're kind of putting yourself through a self-inflicted hell here. There is no point thinking the worse if you see her dance with other men, or talking to other men - the first perhaps she could avoid, but the second is pretty much unavoidable so please try not to let jealousy ruin what you have.

If you're struggling with this, perhaps try therapy? If she has issues too, perhaps couples therapy? If you can't see a way out then perhaps it would be better to split up before you get even more emotionally involved. Prob is tho, that the next lady you would meet may never had cheated before, but it's no guarantee that she never will. It can always be a risk, but sometimes someone is worth taking a leap of faith for and letting yourself trust again.

Wish you luck.

Yes I am seeking counseling for it. I know that it's my problem and I know that she has not given me a direct reason to distrust her. You mention dancing, I just find something inherently wrong with dancing with the opposite sex if you are in a relationship. A man is not going to walk up to you and ask you to dance because you have nice shoes on. It's because he wants you, so knowing that why would you want to dance with him? That is the question I always find myself asking.

Originally Posted by quiznot

Yes I am seeking counseling for it. I know that it's my problem and I know that she has not given me a direct reason to distrust her. You mention dancing, I just find something inherently wrong with dancing with the opposite sex if you are in a relationship. A man is not going to walk up to you and ask you to dance because you have nice shoes on. It's because he wants you, so knowing that why would you want to dance with him? That is the question I always find myself asking.

I wouldn't say it's inherently wrong, but I can see why, given her history, it upsets you. And yes, to ask someone to dance does normally mean that they find the person attractive, but it doesn't have to lead to someone being unfaithful does it? That's up to the individuals, not the dancing. I'd go dancing with other men because my partner will not dance, ever, but I'd never be unfaithful to him because I love him and don't ever want to hurt him. It's about respect for my partner.

So if she didn't dance with other men, would that sort your issues do you think?

[markmadness]

What do you think is the reason that people cheat on one another? What is it that they think that cheating will accomplish? And why do we get so pissed when someone cheats on us?

When I think about this problem in my own life I would say that this issue creeps into my relationships when a lot of other stuff is already going wrong. My problem is about not wanting to fight about anything and the not fighting ensures that the problems with build up unresolved. I don't think that I have learned yet that fighting doesn't necessarily mean a bad relationship it is just that you have to fight fair with your partner. I am pretty sure that a fair fight can only happen with a referee.

So with the assumption that cheating is just a symptom can you identify a problem that is causing you to feel this insecurity?

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

I wouldn't say it's inherently wrong, but I can see why, given her history, it upsets you. And yes, to ask someone to dance does normally mean that they find the person attractive, but it doesn't have to lead to someone being unfaithful does it? That's up to the individuals, not the dancing. I'd go dancing with other men because my partner will not dance, ever, but I'd never be unfaithful to him because I love him and don't ever want to hurt him. It's about respect for my partner.

So if she didn't dance with other men, would that sort your issues do you think?

I see what you are saying and by no means do I mean the following as a judgment on you because the morals of a relationship are defined by each couple and will vary. I don't think the dancing has to lead to cheating, but rather I feel the intimacy involved with dancing, especially the type of dancing people do today which is basically sex on the dance floor is a lower form of cheating. I find no reason why I or my girlfriend should be rubbing up against anyone else but each other. And I think if I knew someone was interested in me, I would avoid them out of respect to my lover. Which is why I ask the question about the dancing. If the person knows that's why he is asking her to dance, should she really dance with him?

And we discussed it and she agreed with no resistance not to do it, but there are other things that bother me. For example dirty jokes, I personally would never make them about a girl who has a boyfriend, much less right in front of him. But that happened and it made me very angry, but she didnt even pick up on it.

Things like jokes, well, seriously - how are you going to control someone else making a dirty joke? Are you going to keep her in a bubble at home so no other man is going to talk to her/look at her/make dirty jokes? Yes, they are disrespectful but why get angry? This isn't her fault and it isn't a trust issue, that's a good taste issue. As is the dancing really - it's a good taste issue. It's very nice of her to quit the dancing without a quibble.

Why don't you flip this on its head? If not feeling like you want to say something in anger, when someone says something dirty about your g/f, or some guy tries to chat her up, just say something along the lines of "Isn't she just gorgeous? I am a lucky man". You let the men know she is taken, and you also please your g/f with a complement.

The more you write, yes, you do have quite a problem with jealousy. May I say that a good way to keep the odd's down of someone being unfaithful is to be a kind, thoughtful, caring, fun person to be with - and not someone who is these things until another man talks to her. Jealous is an ugly, destructive and completely pointless emotion in relationships. It can become toxic very quickly.

I think that perhaps you shouldn't have started dating again until you'd worked on some issues that the last g/f left you. I've been cheated on, my fiance cheated on me for nearly a year - I took time out, and then dated again when I felt ready. Not for a second did I expect the next person to do the same and nobody (to my knowledge) did.

I wish you well and I hope the therapy does help you.

Hugs.

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

Things like jokes, well, seriously - how are you going to control someone else making a dirty joke? Are you going to keep her in a bubble at home so no other man is going to talk to her/look at her/make dirty jokes? Yes, they are disrespectful but why get angry? This isn't her fault and it isn't a trust issue, that's a good taste issue. As is the dancing really - it's a good taste issue. It's very nice of her to quit the dancing without a quibble.

Why don't you flip this on its head? If not feeling like you want to say something in anger, when someone says something dirty about your g/f, or some guy tries to chat her up, just say something along the lines of "Isn't she just gorgeous? I am a lucky man". You let the men know she is taken, and you also please your g/f with a complement.

The more you write, yes, you do have quite a problem with jealousy. May I say that a good way to keep the odd's down of someone being unfaithful is to be a kind, thoughtful, caring, fun person to be with - and not someone who is these things until another man talks to her. Jealous is an ugly, destructive and completely pointless emotion in relationships. It can become toxic very quickly.

I think that perhaps you shouldn't have started dating again until you'd worked on some issues that the last g/f left you. I've been cheated on, my fiance cheated on me for nearly a year - I took time out, and then dated again when I felt ready. Not for a second did I expect the next person to do the same and nobody (to my knowledge) did.

I wish you well and I hope the therapy does help you.

Hugs.

Oh no I didn't mean I got mad at her for that. I got mad at the guy making the dirty joke. I know she can't control that. I do have a prob with it, but I don't respond with anger to her, never to her. I sit down and talk about it which is what she tells me makes it easy to resolve. It's on the inside that I'm furious lol. I know it's important to be calm when discussing it and I don't expect to bubble her. I can trust her, but what I am really working on is my reaction to the guys. My last interaction was rather hostile, I told him if he made a joke like that again I'd beat him bloody. And it worked, he never did it again but I acknowledge that reaction is a problem.

Originally Posted by quiznot

I can trust her, but what I am really working on is my reaction to the guys..

Ok, that's good - you've admitted you can trust her, even tho that's at odds to what you wrote originally. I also think that it's at odds because if you did trust her then you'd not react so hugely to other guys - it's important to be honest with yourself. I hope this is true about trusting her tho because it's huge.

Have you ever tried writing down how you feel/thoughts going on in your head when jealousy takes over? Doesn't matter how silly you think it sounds, but be honest. Then, when you're calmer, have a look and see if things are actually as bad as your reaction showed. Try to give it a logical explanation, ie proof that someone talking to your g/f is going to take her away from you, or recognise that it is jealousy without foundation. I wonder if this will help because you said talking to your g/f calms you down. I wonder if you will start to recognise that jealous thoughts are not the same as reality as that will start to take away their power.

The other really important thing for me is for you to start working on your self-esteem. It obviously took a real battering with your ex, as that would've hurt like hell... I think that if you work on that too then you'll start to trust your g/f's words when she says that she loves you and will not cheat on you. And I know that you say you trust her, but although it's understandable that you're wary, a good relationship is based on trust and without it, life will be difficult.

Hugs

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

Ok, that's good - you've admitted you can trust her, even tho that's at odds to what you wrote originally. I also think that it's at odds because if you did trust her then you'd not react so hugely to other guys - it's important to be honest with yourself. I hope this is true about trusting her tho because it's huge.

Have you ever tried writing down how you feel/thoughts going on in your head when jealousy takes over? Doesn't matter how silly you think it sounds, but be honest. Then, when you're calmer, have a look and see if things are actually as bad as your reaction showed. Try to give it a logical explanation, ie proof that someone talking to your g/f is going to take her away from you, or recognise that it is jealousy without foundation. I wonder if this will help because you said talking to your g/f calms you down. I wonder if you will start to recognise that jealous thoughts are not the same as reality as that will start to take away their power.

The other really important thing for me is for you to start working on your self-esteem. It obviously took a real battering with your ex, as that would've hurt like hell... I think that if you work on that too then you'll start to trust your g/f's words when she says that she loves you and will not cheat on you. And I know that you say you trust her, but although it's understandable that you're wary, a good relationship is based on trust and without it, life will be difficult.

Hugs

Yea it sounds at odds but I've spent the day thinking about it afterwards. While it is true that they will not take her away and I understand that, my anger lies more in that they had the audacity to behave that way to begin with.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by quiznot

Yea it sounds at odds but I've spent the day thinking about it afterwards. While it is true that they will not take her away and I understand that, my anger lies more in that they had the audacity to behave that way to begin with.

That may turn into a very slippery slope as you are basically trying to control people who are not even in your immediate circle of friends. What if you start being angered by the audacity of all those men who want(ed) to dance with her?

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

That may turn into a very slippery slope as you are basically trying to control people who are not even in your immediate circle of friends. What if you start being angered by the audacity of all those men who want(ed) to dance with her?

Well with that I don't get as mad because they don't know she has a boyfriend. They find out after they ask her to dance. But those friends of hers who make those jokes know full well because they are her friends. The bright side is that in regards to the jokes, she thought about it and agreed some of the things they have said were pretty disrespectful and she did something about it

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by quiznot

Well with that I don't get as mad because they don't know she has a boyfriend. They find out after they ask her to dance. But those friends of hers who make those jokes know full well because they are her friends. The bright side is that in regards to the jokes, she thought about it and agreed some of the things they have said were pretty disrespectful and she did something about it

I think you should call a spade a spade before you proceed further.

Basically, you are asserting a right. You are her bf and that gives you, in your mind, property-like rights to her.

So people who ask her to dance without knowing about your rights are not being audacious, but people who make jokes while knowing about your rights are being audacious. They are being audacious in that they disrespect your rights to your gf - they make jokes as if she did not have a bf. That is what peeves you so much - that your property-like rights to your gf are being disrespected. The people who make jokes do not respect your rights (not YOU, not HER, but YOUR RIGHTS TO HER) and that makes you very mad at them.

I hope that naming things correctly would help you in your quest for becoming more at peace with the reality.

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I think you should call a spade a spade before you proceed further.

Basically, you are asserting a right. You are her bf and that gives you, in your mind, property-like rights to her.

So people who ask her to dance without knowing about your rights are not being audacious, but people who make jokes while knowing about your rights are being audacious. They are being audacious in that they disrespect your rights to your gf - they make jokes as if she did not have a bf. That is what peeves you so much - that your property-like rights to your gf are being disrespected. The people who make jokes do not respect your rights (not YOU, not HER, but YOUR RIGHTS TO HER) and that makes you very mad at them.

I hope that naming things correctly would help you in your quest for becoming more at peace with the reality.

No I have to disagree there. I don't see her as property in the slightest. I am offended by someone's audacity to disrespect the bond we have, and despite my own personal issues, she and i agree on that. If a woman were to do the same, she would get very upset as well, just not to my extent. I think to assume what someone is thinking so brazenly is not a good idea. Especially when you are basically calling the person a chauvinist. That's not the case. I just have a short temper and little tolerance for disrespectful people. She is my partner and I don't think there's something wrong with becoming upset about these dirty jokes, I think the problem is how I handle it, which is poorly and in a very hostile way.

[hamster-bamster]

Nope I was not calling you a chauvinist and my post was gender neutral and I would have posted the same had the genders been reversed and the woman complained and not a man.

Originally Posted by quiznot

Yea it sounds at odds but I've spent the day thinking about it afterwards. While it is true that they will not take her away and I understand that, my anger lies more in that they had the audacity to behave that way to begin with.

I think that you may be kidding yourself. I think that self-esteem (insecurity) and jealousy are at the root of this. It's not healthy or relevant to get so worked up when someone says something that may be suggestive and looking past the symptom and looking for the cause is a better idea. You're blaming these people for your own issues.