[concerned mom 36]

My Ex Husbands girlfriend has displayed some behavior towards my 9 yr old son that has me very concerned. I'll give you some of the examples:
1) she joined my son's school PTA (she's neither a parent or a teacher)
2) she tried to be the classroom mom for his 3rd grade class
3) she sat in my parking lot waiting for my son to come out of our apartment and she was there for around 10 min. (I happend to be in my new car trying to figure out how to set the radio stations when I saw her pull in).
4) she has started arguments up at my sos's baseball games when she (thought) it was "their" weekend to have our son.
5) she has been spotted by several close friends driving by our apartment (thy live nearly 8 miles south of us).
6) she has now aquired an attorney to try an get custody of our son (remember this is my ex husbands girlfriend) my ex husband is not and has not tried to push for custody until she came along ( we have beed divorced for a few years).
7) she shows up to our son's school to eat lunch all the time with him
8) she buys his teached gifts, and brings cupcakes to his class usually abut once a week.

I would not mind having a person in my son's life when he is with his dad, at least I would know he was being watched, and taken care of. But at this point I am VERY concerned because she has crossed so many boundries. I am not sure what she is thinking and how this may affect my son? Can anyone please help?? Advice, professional or other is appreciated.

thank You

[hamster-bamster]

I know that it is within your power to make her stop doing (7) and the cupcake part of (8) for sure. You direct who is allowed to pick up your son from school, eat lunches with him, etc. You just need to notify the administration and have a note placed in his file in the office.

You probably can also stop her from doing (1) and (2).

I am not sure it is (yet) time to go all out, but...

Given that she took step (6), I think it is time for you to act at least in SOME fashion.

[leaJ]

WOW...she definitely has boundary issues. I go through similar things with my ex's wife, and my son is now 13 and HATES her. She has serious control issues and tries to manipulate everyone in the house and now my son is starting to see it. I have tried to discourage him from thinking this way, because she is is step mother and isn't going anywhere any time soon, but he has figured it out on his own. It's so bad, sometimes my son refuses to go on his weekends there.
I think Hamster is right, if they are not married and you have custody you should be able to stop all the stuff that is school related. If she is driving past your house and causing problem at his baseball games, I would document that stuff. You actually might be able to file harassment charges against her, shich definitely isn't going to be in their favor when you go to court. Also, I'm not sure about the area you live, but I know here in Ohio it is considered a "mother's rights" state...which means the ONLY way a father can get full custody is if they prove the mother unfit. Have you tried discussing this with your ex husband at all?

Talk to your ex about the situation. Boundaries need to be put in place. Good luck.

Yeah I really would talk to your ExH about this if you haven't done so already, She sounds a little obsessed with your son.

[hamster-bamster]

Talk to the EX H for sure, but I just wonder if you should also seek legal counsel, because, as you wrote, she has ALREADY retained an attorney.

I am just not sure that a peaceful act of talking to EX H is enough - at this juncture and not earlier on - since she is not using peaceful means. So I wonder if you need a more adversarial approach. I just wonder - maybe I am wrong.

[AAAAA]

I am very possessive of my children. They are the center of my universe and when I first read your post I thought "OMG what is wrong with this woman!!!! Who does she think she is!!!!" But then I thought about it for a minute; what would I do if I were in a serious relationship with a man with children. And I would be that woman. I would make that child just as much a part of my life as I possibly could. And I would also do everything within my power to help him make sure that he utilized his rights as a father to the fullest extent possible. I hope that I would respect the child's mother enough to establish a courteous relationship with her as well. But who knows what stories she's heard about you from your ex. Divorce brings out the ugly in a lot of people.

The first thing I would do is speak to her directly and establish boundaries. Let her know that you appreciate the positive influence in your child's life, but that when it is your turn to have custody, she must respect your wishes/decisions. Because after all, the more people that your son has that love him and look out for him the better off he'll be. If your husband has decided to become a better father (whether it is because of her or not) that will only benefit your son in the long run. BUT and this is a big BUT, let her know that if she isn't willing to discuss this as an adult, she doesn't have a dog in the fight. She has no legal or moral right to discuss anything regarding your child. I do not understand the PTA thing, but you don't have to have a child in school to be a member. BUT you can prevent the school from giving her access to your son with a simple phone call. Almost married does not count.

If that doesn't work, I'd speak to the ex. Let him know that you understand that this woman is now a part of your son's life but you are the child's mother and currently this woman is a guest in your child's life. (I may be archaic but in my own personal opinion she should not have been introduced to the boy until there was a ring on her finger and a deposit on the hall.)

In the meantime, do document any negative actions (i.e. fights at the baseball game) so that if/when this becomes a family court issue it doesn't sound like sour grapes.

Please let us know how it turns out.

[RoseBee]

On the bright side, at least she WANTS something to do with your kiddo. How old is she? She may either be: A) Just really, REALLY love kids. B) Not sure how to handle this because she's never been in this situ before. or C) Figuring that her and your ex are going to be together for a long time and she wants to connect with your child.

If I were in that situation, I would talk to her and say, "Look, as much as you like doing all of this, you aren't married to my ex. God willing, one day you will be. At that point, we can work out who will take which mommy duty, but right now, you are being a little creepy. At this point, you are not allowed at his school any longer, and you have no legal right to our son. At the point you are married to my ex are a permanent fixture in his life, we will revisit the issue."

How does you son feel about all of this? Have you talked to him?

She sounds well meaning, for the most part, but seems to lack social skills or experience around kids or dating guys with kids.

[RoseBee]

Originally Posted by AAAAA

(I may be archaic but in my own personal opinion she should not have been introduced to the boy until there was a ring on her finger and a deposit on the hall.)

I agree with this sentiment, but she should have known about the kid on the first or second date. I didn't find out about my bf's son until we were dating for almost six months, and by then I had already fallen in love. I have a strict policy to not date guys with kids. I met his kid 2 weeks later and I am still not completely okay with the situ and have considered leaving. I am better after posting here and got lots of great personal stories and advice, but she should DEFINITELY have been aware of kiddo before the ring and deposit.

[Perna]

I do not know about your custody agreement, how often your son is with his father and the girlfriend. Also, I agree with RoseBee's questions, how does your son feel, have you talked to him? For all you know, your son may have asked her to be involved or he may know of conversations between your ex and his girlfriend about him?

I would get as much surrounding information as I could before I judged the woman too harshly. Even with kids I wouldn't join the PTA and making the cupcakes that often? That's someone with different interests than I have but that does not make her bad in some way or better than me, etc. My husband's ex-wife is into cake decorating and kitschy stuff and so her behavior is lots different around the sons/grandchildren than mine is.

If she hasn't any other children to be around and enjoys your son for whatever reason, and wants to be part of his life/the family (if they marry, she will be part of the family and, if she has children, your son will sometimes be a part of that larger family when you are not) I would view that somewhat positively as it could make any marriage/life transitions by either you or ex, easier.

[hamster-bamster]

Again...

... there are cupcakes...

... and there is her retaining an attorney...

to deal with the overflow of cupcakes, you can talk to her, talk to the ex H, and do a number of other things

but hiring an attorney is different from baking too many cupcakes in that it is an openly aggressive step

[AAAAA]

Respectfully hamster I disagree. Retaining an attorney is a positive step to ensure his rights are spelled out clearly for all to see. That way there is no "it's my weekend, no it's not it's my weekend. You had him for Christmas, I get him for labor day."

I think it's sad that it took someone new in the ex-husband's life to let him know how important his child should be in his life.

Rosebee - I agree with you. You should have known about your bf's kids. None of my girl's or their friends are married yet. They're in their mid 20's and I've always told them when you meet someone you are interested in your first question should be do you have children. Your second should be what is the last thing that you've done with them. If they have to think about the answer to that question, run. If they don't treat their own children well, then they certainly won't treat you well. I'm sorry that your bf wasn't open with you and I would have serious trust issues with him as a result.