[Monica Bing]

It's been a yr since this relationship began. In the past 4 months:
1. He says I made him feel physically inadequate cause I didn't compliment him on his looks.He's been putting on weight & he's touchy abt it. He didn't tell me abt this for a long time. He says he wants to cut himself.

2. He brings up old problems & says he can't trust me. I asked my friends if they'd break up with their boyfriends over our problems - they said no. I'm mentioning this as I can't list all the problems or it'll be too long.

3. He felt like he wouldn't be a good photographer cause I suggested he do photography & another PG. I'd noticed that he had a flair for social work (my major) & loved helping people. So I suggested he get a social work degree so he can work while pursuing a career in photography. My dad's a photographer & told me that it takes time for talent to be recognized - so he had to work a job too, until his career took off. He still works both jobs, cause he loves both. He was interested at 1st but ltr he decided against my idea. I was disappointed but didn't force it.

4. His sleeping was disturbed for 2 weeks. We went to my doctor & he said has an inferiority complex & is "worried". He refuses to come again. He's verbally abusive & it's like he's a different person now. He doesn't text me as much, doesn't go out with me as much as before & bails on me. He seems disinterested.
He said he doesn't wanna break up & he wants me to wait, so he gets time to think abt stuff - maybe he'd find our problems silly & we'd start over. We said we'd be exclusive & committed for 2 weeks until we make a decision.

I found he'd registered to a pornsite. When I asked him abt it, he said something abt a friend creating it with his ID. he was rude - as if I was always disturbing him & not allowing him to hv his time away from me. I texted "please be faithful or just leave"& he called to say "You just lost yourself a point". I apologized. He said he felt respected when I'm not in his life.

5. He says he doesn't want responsibilities & doesn't feel like he has a voice in this relationship - like how he didn't hit the gym cause I told him to work out at home instead. I wanted him to avoid gymming for a while cause he had low self esteem body-wise & I didn't want him working out to get "sexier" but to get healthy. His psychiatrist advised the same thing. I didn't forbid him to go, I just told him I disapprove of it for now.

6. He says he never gets time for friends cause of me. When we hv college, we meet daily & don't get time for friends til weekend. He didn't sleepover cause I couldn't sleep without him cause of d trauma from a previous abusive relationship. He cud've met them or talked to them, he didnt. I've had the same deal & I managed to check in with my pals. Although I agree that this is something that needs to change, I don't think I'd break up with him over it.

My doctor says he's lost interest & is giving excuses to end it. He was understanding & helped me heal from my past abuse, until this started.Rarely he says he knows what we hv is real & he'd let these problems go if he loved me, but his ego & hurt won't let him. But most of the time he's rude & tries to be away from me. He says he doesn't want any responsibilities.

After d break he said he wanted to be with me but he couldn't trust me & blames me still. He said if I move on he wanted to knw so I said we'd be friends so he'll know wat's going on. He said maybe if things change ltr we can be together again. He kept repeating that it'd b good if I didn't tell a lot of ppl cuz he doesn't want ppl thinking he's abusive. I started thinking he's giving me excuses for leaving & that he's basically just not interested nemore & doesn't want committment. So I asked him if he met some1 else & lost interest in me or he just got bored, I deserve to know the truth as to y he's leavin after promising so much.

My old bffs once called him an asshole & we stopped talking to them over it. He didn't want me talkin to them saying he wouldn't hv if his friends had called me a *****.

After he broke up with me, I told them wat happened cause they're all d support I hv. He got really angry that I told them & said he's breaking up with me (again?), shouting abt how he knows who I am now & that I should **** off. When I said he didn't even give me a reason for leaving, cause no1 would do that, he said "so what?"

My bffs think he just lost interest, but wanted me to pine after him so he cud hv me whenever he wanted, & think he's a gud guy so I don't tell ppl wat he did or get sense knocked into me. I kinda agree with them now.

Because I think that if I was going through an identity crisis or feelings of inadequacy, I'd turn to my boyfriend for help, I wouldn't push him away. He has seemed to be losing interest over a few months now - bails on me a lot, doesn't turn up (like if we agree to hit the beach one morning he doesn't bother to set alarms to wake up) & he doesn't text much anymore & doesn't text the way he used to either.

I can see that he's going through something emotionally but I don't see how that is a factor in this - he's been really abusive lately, keeps ending it. He seemed happy to end it, while at the same time managing to get me to not blame him. I guess he wanted me to wait around for him so that he can get back to me if he changes his mind. He was also so particular abt me not telling people. I don't think the reasons he states are enough to break up with some1. He never clearly tells me what I did to "ruin his life".

Please help. Do you think he did not want the relationship anymore? Or that he had issues?

I think he has a lot of issues. The one that leaps out of me is that he is playing the victim here, and blaming you for everything in his life that he doesn't like. Work, overweight and whatever. This of course, is not healthy - he's a grown man, and totally responsible for his own life and choices he makes.

To be abusive to you is a real red flag. To keep breaking up with you is another. It sounds to me that you both may have run your course together. This relationship isn't healthy anymore. Without him getting some help, and sorting through some issues, then I can't see it improving sadly.

My advice? Take some time out - take the decision away from him and make it yourself. Let him do what he needs to do, and if he does it. IF you guys are meant to be, then sometime you may hook up again in the future, but at the moment I think he's just hurting you too much and I think it's time to look after yourself. I know a year long relationship is hard to walk away from, but 4 months is a long time to be unhappy.

Of course, this is just my opinion, and you do not have to listen to a thing!

Take care, and good luck.

[RoseBee]

It really doesn't matter to me what HE wants because the demands and things he blames you for are control of you. This is an unhealthy and bad relationship and frankly you SHOULD cut your losses and move on.

From your perspective, that isn't an easy thing to do because you have invested time, emotions, and energy into this person and relationship. You are probably remembering the good times you spent with him and clinging to this idea that you had of him, how he was, and that is what's making it difficult for you to stay?

If necessary, bring yourself to the here and now and look at how he has been the past week. Once that is in perspective, go back two weeks, then three, then a month. How do you feel in the present, week old, two weeks old, etc. relationship? Has it caused you more harm or good? You will then have more information to help you make a hard decision.

[unaluna]

It seems to me like you tell him what to do a lot? Why is that? I guess some guys like it but idk. It seemed weird to me that you would try to control his going to the gym.

Originally Posted by hankster

It seems to me like you tell him what to do a lot? Why is that? I guess some guys like it but idk. It seemed weird to me that you would try to control his going to the gym.

She did explain why, it's in the OP.
But.. he does have a choice. If he wanted to go to the gym, he could've. I do not like it when people who do not want to do something, then later complain about it when they clearly had a choice.
But... you've made me think. Yes, the OP does mention a few things that she has her input in. That's fine if its wanted, but perhaps it just isn't wanted and it's something they need to discuss and sort out. He should tho, just get up and do things his way and quit blaming.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

She did explain why, it's in the OP.
But.. he does have a choice. If he wanted to go to the gym, he could've. I do not like it when people who do not want to do something, then later complain about it when they clearly had a choice.
But... you've made me think. Yes, the OP does mention a few things that she has her input in. That's fine if its wanted, but perhaps it just isn't wanted and it's something they need to discuss and sort out. He should tho, just get up and do things his way and quit blaming.

He says he feels respected when she's not around. I think she's having too much input. If the genders were switched, we would be screaming at a guy who doesnt want his gf to go to the gym, who "suggests" she exercise at home, who tries to tell her how to feel sexy, who tells her to do the same occupations as his mother. So the question is, why is she trying to control things?

[Monica Bing]

I suggested that he not go to the gym for now because he was always talking abt how if he hit the gym & got thinner and fitter, he'd be sexier & I'd like his body. I just didn't want to encourage him to change his appearance just because he thinks it'll make him sexier. It's kinda like encouraging someone to get a boob job because they think it'll make them look better & make their partner like them more. I didn't want to encourage his unhealthy feelings towards his own appearance & wanted him to know I didn't need him to change to find him sexy - I always do.
Also, I suggested that he try doing a double degree because it helped my dad have a firm footing while he worked on his photography career. We are not well-off financially so I thought it'll help fund his photography career until it takes off (like it or not, it takes time for talent to reach wider audiences in art - it has nothing to do with his talent). We talked abt this when we were discussing our options - which obviously means he wanted my input.

And if I was intruding too much, the fact remains that I didn't force him into anything. I made suggestions & he could have turned them down.

He was very angry that I talked to my old friends again (he says I shouldn't be able to forgive them for calling him a jerk during a previous fight). My friends apologized & I haven't talked to them for more than 6 months. I decided to let the fight go.
I think maybe he was angry because he was scared that they would convince me to forget abt him - he kept repeating that I shouldn't just believe everything they tell me & that I should have some faith in him.
He says he can't forgive me over our past problems. These problems are small & are not the kinda stuff people would break up over. He says he truly has these issues & that he isn't just leaving cause he lost interest in me. He finally admitted that I'm not the only reason for how he feels & that he does have some emotional issues.
He said that if someday he is able to trust me & feel no resentment towards me, he'll come back. He was only talking abt himself & didn't mention how he's been hurting me at all. While he did say that he doesn't blame me anymore (for the past few months he was insisting that I was the sole reason for his despair - today he said he said that because he was angry), he also says things like "I'll come back if I think you won't treat me badly again"
What do I do? Do you think he truly has issues or that he's just not into me?
Is it a good idea to be with him again if he does come back?
How do i help myself tackle this sitaution?

[tinyrabbit]

Why on earth are YOU into HIM? He sounds awful.

[TippPatt]

Why are you behaving like his mother? That's a really good question for you to ponder. You're telling him this that and the other, your dad's done this, so he should do that too..... you might want to consider if you want a partner or someone you're going to be responsible FOR.

I say this because if you are responsible FOR him, then he would believe his mood depends on you and what you are doing. I'd avoid that like the plague, hun.

[Perna]

Your boyfriend wanting to break up can NEVER be about you; you only get to take responsibility for yourself and your choices. Who wants to break up? Your boyfriend. If you want to break up, that is your decision, not his. If he wants to break up that is his decision, not yours. It cannot be your "fault" that he wants to break up; there's no such thing.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Monica Bing

He said that if someday he is able to trust me & feel no resentment towards me, he'll come back.

...

he also says things like "I'll come back if I think you won't treat me badly again"
What do I do?

You need to put him on notice that by the time he is able to develop trust and whatever seems to him to be missing from his life at its current stage, you might no longer be available due to having pursued other interests. The appreciation of this possibility seems to somehow be missing from the whole long account COMPLETELY, which seems so strange.

He is self-centered and out of touch with reality if he does not realize that it is not all about him and his feelings and whatever is in his mind - you might be gone for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with his feelings and whatever it is that is in his mind.

[spondiferous]

If anyone in my life ever used the term 'You just lost yourself a point' with me, and they were serious about it, they'd be gone. End of story. You deserve better. And if it's only a year in, I'd say get out while the gettin' is good, before it gets worse than it is.