[bebop]

Do any of the married here sleep in seperate rooms from their spouses? My husband and I are thinking about this. He does work nights and has for a long time but it is to the point now that it is very hard for me to sleep the 2 days he is off and he is about to go on disability. Does it help or hurt the marriage more?

[hamster-bamster]

Nearly one in four American couples sleep in separate bedrooms or beds, the National Sleep Foundation reported in a 2005 survey.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/25/fa...pagewanted=all

[scorpiosis37]

I've never slept separately from my partner when in a relationship but, just this week, a good friend of mine was telling me about how sleeping separately has affected her marriage. She and her husband began sleeping separately a year ago because they like different room temperatures, her husband is a light sleeper, and my friend snores. At first, she said it was great and she slept better-- but now, she says they never have sex anymore and they've lost a lot of intimacy. In fact, they are currently talking about divorce. Clearly, sleeping separately is not the ONLY issue. However, she thinks it is one of the big ones, as they had a very good marriage a year ago when they began sleeping separately. She says that she didn't know back then how much it would affect her marriage. Of course, this is only one anecdotal example. Others may feel differently.

Are you talking about always sleeping separately or only on the 2 nights you have different schedules? I think if you slept separately 2 nights of the week and slept together 5 nights a week that wouldn't be a big deal. I think it becomes an issue when you begin "living" in separate rooms and never have that bed/cuddle/intimacy time. When you have completely separate rooms, you tend to retire separately to your rooms to do many things other than sleep (watch TV, read, relax, check e-mail, meditate, etc). Then, it becomes more like a roommate/sibling/friend relationship and there is no longer a "marital bed."

On the other hand, my sister is in law school and her boyfriend works as a nurse and will sometimes have an overnight shift. Maybe once a week a, her boyfriend will sleep downstairs on the couch when he comes in at 4am and doesn't want to wake my sister, who has an exam at 9am. They still usually sleep together and they both "live" in their shared bedroom. This has never created an issue for them; in fact, my sister thinks it's sweet of her bf not to wake her up on these occasions by sleeping on the couch.

[spondiferous]

It's different for everyone. If it was that difficult for me I would consider sleeping apart from my partner. But I could definitely see it causing a break in intimacy with my partner. I'd have to work harder to make sure it's incorporated into our life regularly since we're not sleeping in the same room any longer.

[RomanSunburn]

My husband is currently working out of state every two weeks for two weeks. I get very used to having the whole bed to myself (and since it's been my bed since high school, I think I relapse into thinking of it as my bed and of course I"ll sleep dead center, spread in all different directions, or diagonally across it...). And then he comes home, and it definitely throws me off a little. He makes the bed a lot warmer, and I like it to be freezing when I sleep. But I've found that since I started having a strict bed time with a regular routine beforehand, it helps the transition when he's home. I think my body gets so used to the idea that I"m supposed to be in bed, lights out by a certain time, whether or not he's there, that it just... goes to sleep, even if he is there. I don't know if that's something possible for you to do or if it's something you're already doing and still having trouble.

What about getting a bigger bed...? Is that possible, or do you think it would help?

Will you not get used to him being there again if it's more routine? Anyway, I agree, everything is different. My parents have slept in different rooms for the last 15 or so years because of my father's impression of a pneumatic drill (snoring). It made for a much happier marriage - I don't know how she stayed married to him so long - he used to keep me awake in a different room it is that loud. But I think it's important to make cuddle time so neither feels unloved and make more of an effort than perhaps normal?

Good luck!

[Perna]

My husband and I have had to get larger beds as we have gotten larger and older :-) but we're still in the same bed. Sometimes I would like separate twins instead of the king but mostly because we have linen trouble:

Beware of friends turned into lovers
They'll steal your heart and then your covers.

When we go on vacation/travel out of town and are in hotels, we usually, now, get at least two "rooms", the bedroom and a "living room" because I cannot sleep with the light on and go to bed earlier than my husband does. Other than that, he is a bit easier to sleep with than I suspect I am but then, he sleeps easier than I do because of his medicines/particular makeup.

Could you go to sleep earlier or have him get up earlier so you have the room/bed to yourself? I tend to go to bed earlier (but right now I'm reading long after he's come to bed so he's putting up with my light) and he gets up earlier so I have a chance to get to sleep or get back to sleep if I have a sleeping problem any given night.

We only have a TV in our living room and I bought us a sofa bed for the couch for the living room in case either of us got sick and we needed two beds or one of us was unable to climb the townhouse stairs, etc. Maybe you could just get a sofa bed or something like that and take turns seeing who wanted to be where, when? We have two bedrooms but the front one has the cats and their litter boxes, etc. and other problems so it is not a "bedroom". But thinking about it, I would be lonely being in a separate bedroom completely. I get annoyed at my husband's snoring but I'll take that over not being able to reach out and touch him or waking and his being elsewhere. As pleasant as it is to wake in the morning and realize he's gone downstairs already and the bed's all mine for another hour or two, I also miss him. It's a mixed blessing for me :-)

[hamster-bamster]

My stats:

maternal grandparents always had twin beds side by side; married for more than 50 years until grandfather passed away at age 80; grandmother lived till 94

paternal grandparents always had one big bed; married for more than 50 years until died in old age, almost on the same day

my parents had different bedrooms because my dad liked smoking in the bedroom and my mom did not tolerate that; he would come to her bedroom in which she had a full bed to have sex with her; he himself had a twin bed; eventually they divorced

aunt and uncle on the maternal side: had a big bed in the apartment and two twin beds in their summer house; married for decades and decades until he passed away (Parkinson's).

So according to my stats, it has no relationship on the outcome of marriage.

[healingme4me]

I have a friend that does this. What are they...36 years(??) married and yes, happily! Due to things like needing different room temperatures , how they sleep, etc. That's all. As close, as close can be. I admire their marriage, greatly!

[redbandit]

Originally Posted by bebop

Do any of the married here sleep in seperate rooms from their spouses? My husband and I are thinking about this. He does work nights and has for a long time but it is to the point now that it is very hard for me to sleep the 2 days he is off and he is about to go on disability. Does it help or hurt the marriage more?

Sadly I can only sleep in the same bed as my husband once in a while because he snores soooo loud. It makes me sad though. I'm trying to get him to go to the doctor about it I'm worried he might have sleep apnea. He rarely gets a day off during the week

[adam_k]

When I was about to leave my wife, I slept in a different room from her. I have to say I slept a lot better. She also snores and it is hard to fall asleep. She usually stays up later than I do and goes to sleep later than I do.

I would talk to your spouse and get their opinion on it. Maybe they will be fine with it or even like it. I mean it is just sleep and outside of maybe a few minutes of talking you are unconscious for the rest of the time. I don't think sleep in a different bed would really be an issue for some people.

[bebop]

well there is no intimacy now. that is the biggest issue. we only shared the bed 2 nights a week now. he works midnights til 8 am.

QUOTE=scorpiosis37;3142764]I've never slept separately from my partner when in a relationship but, just this week, a good friend of mine was telling me about how sleeping separately has affected her marriage. She and her husband began sleeping separately a year ago because they like different room temperatures, her husband is a light sleeper, and my friend snores. At first, she said it was great and she slept better-- but now, she says they never have sex anymore and they've lost a lot of intimacy. In fact, they are currently talking about divorce. Clearly, sleeping separately is not the ONLY issue. However, she thinks it is one of the big ones, as they had a very good marriage a year ago when they began sleeping separately. She says that she didn't know back then how much it would affect her marriage. Of course, this is only one anecdotal example. Others may feel differently.

Are you talking about always sleeping separately or only on the 2 nights you have different schedules? I think if you slept separately 2 nights of the week and slept together 5 nights a week that wouldn't be a big deal. I think it becomes an issue when you begin "living" in separate rooms and never have that bed/cuddle/intimacy time. When you have completely separate rooms, you tend to retire separately to your rooms to do many things other than sleep (watch TV, read, relax, check e-mail, meditate, etc). Then, it becomes more like a roommate/sibling/friend relationship and there is no longer a "marital bed."

On the other hand, my sister is in law school and her boyfriend works as a nurse and will sometimes have an overnight shift. Maybe once a week a, her boyfriend will sleep downstairs on the couch when he comes in at 4am and doesn't want to wake my sister, who has an exam at 9am. They still usually sleep together and they both "live" in their shared bedroom. This has never created an issue for them; in fact, my sister thinks it's sweet of her bf not to wake her up on these occasions by sleeping on the couch.[/QUOTE]

[justmemaybe]

hurt.......... did it for over 15 yrs. Devorsed now

[yellowfrog268]

bebop,

My husband and I are in a very similar situation. He also works nights (goes in for 11:30 p.m.) and we have to sleep in separate rooms. First, because I can be a light sleeper and like you, when he has his days off I can't adjust. As for whether or not this helps or hurts a marriage, all I can say is that if all other areas of your married life are ok then I wouldn't worry. Besides, you said he will be going on disability soon which suggests that this is a temporary issue.

What are his thoughts on this? If he's ok with it I wouldn't worry.