[gnat]

I'm already afraid that people of psych central who read my posts are getting sick of me whining incessantly about the same thing, but I can't let it go. I find myself lying in bed, unable to sleep, obsessing with what happened. In the end I decided it would help to write my feelings and actions with full honesty, but I don't dare do it on my home computer where it could be found by my family, so here I am, dumping on you guys once again.

I was recently told by a very close friend, one (and the only one) I shared my deepest darkest experiences and feeling with, that we can no longer continue to have communications because his wife was feeling uneasy with our relationship and even though she never said he had to end it, he felt he needed to do so to save his marriage.

I want so desperately to be happy for him, I do. I want to be happy for both of them, but I can't, my own selfishness stands in the way.

When i first read those words i felt a sharp pain in my chest, as if being stabbed by a knife. I was immediately shaking and gasping for air. I couldn't believe it. I trusted him, I shared all my vulnerabilities with him, and all at once he ended our friendship as if "I'm sorry about all of this" could fix it.

Over the next 6 days I experienced anxiety as i never have before. I would start shaking and do so for hours. I couldn't keep food down. I mostly gave up eating, just tiny bits here and there so I could keep my blood sugar up (I get stupid when my blood sugar is low). I lost 6 pounds. I lost the ability to cry. I lost that little place inside me where i retreat when pain is too deep to bear (it may have left earlier, but this is when I noticed it was gone). I lost all focus, my ability to concentrate was so bad I got called into my supervisor's office twice because she noticed the quality and timeliness of my work had dropped to "concerning levels, much lower quality work than I normally get out of you." I lost the will to go on living (not to be confused with wanting to die, it is different). I then sent off a goodbye email in which I thanked him for being there for me for the past two years and let him know if he ever needed me, I'm here. I wanted to tell him how much he hurt me, but didn't. I didn't want to make it hard on him. I felt i understood why he made the choice he did, I wanted to think I would have done the same if it were my husband who felt uncomfortable with our relationship. I'm so over that.

Now I feel absolutely crushed. I'm hurt that he chose to cut me out of his life like that. There are other options. He's no stranger to sneaking around behind his wife's back, our relationship was through e-mail, he could have continued. He could have at the very least come on psych central (it was he who told me of this website and although he doesn't know my screen name, I know his and he knows if he resurfaced I could at least have had some contact with him in these forums).

Then I feel very guilty. This is his marriage we are talking about, he did the right thing. How incredibly selfish of me to want him to sneak around or jeopardize his relationship with his wife by continuing contact.

Then I'm angry. How could he have hurt me like this? He knew how much his emails meant to me. How they got me through the day. How he was the only person I felt I could talk to. I even considered sending him an e-mail to tell him how angry and hurt I am, but realize I am being selfish. He doesn't want to hear from me anymore. His marriage is at stake, it would be wrong for me to send another email. No good could come from it.

I am hurt that he didn't seem to care about my feelings about any of this. That he didn't even check in to see if I was OK. I realize this is stupid because the one mental health issue he cannot help me with is the loss of him. Problem with emotions, they don't care if they are stupid, they just surface and I have no control.

My anxiety is down to the point where i am able to function at work, although I wonder how long I can keep it up with the lack of sleep I'm getting. I haven't thrown up in a couple days, but as I type this post I can feel the urge building in my throat. I am left mostly with an intense sadness with blips of anger. The anxiety persists, but is now secondary to my depression. Had I kept up the level I was at last week much longer, I would have probably hit the ER, or at least urgent care, by now.

He has since hit "like" on a couple things I've posted on Facebook recently which is unlike him. I think it is his olive branch. I want a fricken tree.

I find myself obsessively checking Facebook, my email, his page on psych central, looking for any indication he has changed his mind, or at least cares enough to check in with me to make sure I'm OK. Of course there is nothing, there never will be. Even if the miracle of him changing his mind was to occur, what we had is broken. I don't think I could ever trust him with my deepest emotions again. I am lost, drained, stomped on, destroyed.

Even as i turn to psych central, it is with great hesitation. Where on one aspect I feel I need to find a new friend I can communicate to honestly about how messed up in the head I am, I am afraid I will grow too close, share too much, become too dependent on them as i did with my friend. I have never been one to have attachment issues, unless you count attaching too much, because I have a tendency to do that. I like people, I attach to them, they leave without ever turning back, my heart shrivels up and dies.

The last time I had a close friend reject me was when I was in college. It was a female friend who I had shared just a speck of my emotional troubles with. More of emotionless facts of my life. When she declared our friendship over (she never officially did, she just quit talking to me, returning my calls, and began spreading untruths about me) it took me years to get over the sorrow, and to this day (It's been about 15 years) I still get anxious when I run into her.

I don't know how to handle this. I cannot remember the last time I was in such a huge funk. To top it off, i have had family issues eating me and no one to turn to with my friend gone. I tried talking to my husband about it who's response was, "Get in the car, we'll be late for the movie." I'm considering talking to the doc about meds, but it seems wrong to think pills can fix rejection. Is it really possible? Can time truly heal all wounds? Perhaps, but there are only so many years in a human's lifespan, and I don't know that I'll live long enough.

So that leaves me sitting here in bed, laptop on my lap, unable to sleep, wishing these past 10 days were a dream. Trying to keep up with the strength to ignore that urge to send him an email that says how I really feel. One that would not fix the problem. At most he'd be filled with guilt, and I don't want that. In addition, I'd be anxious as anxious gets awaiting a reply that would never come.

I love my friend and want to believe these past two years of a great friendship and support were worth the pain. I can't. I want to turn back time and make it all go away. To warn myself to stay away. I want the impossible.

I think you would greatly benefit by seeing a therapist. Also, how about marriage counseling to reconnect with your husband? If he won't go - I think you seeing your own therapist would help you immensely. Keep posting - we are here to support you.

[hamster-bamster]

1) you should stop all sorts of self-judgment of any kind, ranging from "I am incredibly selfish" to sky is the limit
2) you should work on the issues of your physiology that has suffered in the past 10 days, as follows:
a) buy electrolyte drinks. Smart Water, Vitamin Water, you name it - read the labels, there are countless brands and you need to choose the flavor you like. Drink drink drink them. It is important to like the flavor(s) because otherwise you won't drink as much
b) (advice off the bipolar forum from a woman who has bipolar and an ED which makes it all worse) - buy V8 and have one can a day. COSTCO sells large trays of small portion V8 cans. Be careful when you buy because V8 now makes some weird terribly spicy concoctions. You need the regular V8.
c) milk and chocolate milk, drink as much as you; tea and coffee - unlimited in the AM, limit after 3PM due to sleep issues
d) dairy/fruit smoothies
e) yogurt, broth, pureed soup - prepared chicken broth heated in a microwave - to sum up, you need to have nutritious liquid or semi-liquid food because when one is nauseous from so much anxiety, liquid nutrition is easier to stomach. I know for myself that 95% of the time when I am so anxious, I can have a glass of warmed milk. Somehow "warmed" matters because when cold, milk feels foreign to the body hurt by emotions. Warmness makes it easier.
f) you need to tell the p-doc immediately that you are not sleeping, are in crisis, and need a sleep medicine ASAP
g) go outside in the morning to get the circadian rhythm back to help you sleep at night
h) 30 minutes outside total, every day
i) walk 30 minutes total (if outside, then takes care of h)), with music if you like

3) register for Google Drive (you will need your gmail address or will need to open a google account of some sort) and learn how to use docs (a blue icon for "document", has less functionality than MS word but more than you may ever need in this lifetime)
https://drive.google.com/

4) in Google Drive (protected by your password, and, MUCH safer than here) create a document in which you will be writing him a letter as you go through the days of your life. Just do not send it.

***

Eventually, when you are back to normal eating etc etc you will revisit the idea of actually sending the email. For now, just keep drafting away...

[gnat]

thanks guys, with 3 young kids it is hard for me to get away for things like therapy. My therapy is dancing which I force myself.to do once a week when I'm feeling low. I do it more when I'm feeling better.

My husband and I have a pretty good connection overall. There are times that we lose it which a date night out without the kids easily fixes. He just doesn't like talking about feelings. I think part of him was relieved when I started dumping on my friend more and him less. I go to him when he felt up to it and went to my friend all.of the time.

I'll have to look into that Google drive....

Thanks also for the food advice. I have found tea and Carnation Instant Breakfast drinks with a ranitidine cheer to be a good way to keep myself going.I am now managing the occasional meal

[gayleggg]

Sorry about you losing your friend. I know it must really hurt since you were so close to him. I think you are right about not contacting him. I think that would just make things worse. Force yourself to go dancing more often. The exercise will do good thinks for your mood and get you thinking about other things. I know this will be tough but keep posting. Hopefully you will be able to share on here rather than lean on your old friend. Best wishes to you.

It's awful when we lose someone we care about so deeply, and it's like a bereavement when it's all suddenly over.

I do think a therapist would be of great help to you and I think it's important to make the time. And I would work on the issue why this man was so important to you? You sound like you're in love with him, or the idea of him. A great friend is wonderful but your reaction to this is very very strong. Too strong. To feel crushed, not sleep, not eat... this is not normal. To feel sadness and even anger is normal, but not crushed. I do think when you find out the root of this reaction, then you will find it easier to heal.
Sorry if I sounded harsh, that's not what I wanted to do, as you're hurting. But I do think a therapist is the thing for you because I think you have some issues underlining this and your reaction is about other things too.

Hugs to you.

[gnat]

riotgrrl- I see what you're saying and was actually expecting someone to come up with the idea that I am in love with my friend, but how do you fall in love with someone you don't even see? Sure I shared my deepest darkest thoughts with him and he did the same, but I don't really even know what he is like.

I tend to over-attach to people and have a hard time letting go. When I was a teen I opened up to another friend, just a teeny tiny bit in comparison, and when our friendship dissolved I had major anxiety attacks and cried over it literally for years. I actually just ran into her about 3 months ago and found myself nervous, flustered, shaking, not knowing what to do with myself. This is 15-20 years after our little falling out.

I also get paranoid when in groups of people-like at work. I always fear they don't really like me, or at least not as much as they like each other. I fear they are talking about me. I get extremely sad when they move on to other jobs. I'm terrified of rejection.

I guess I'm not going to deny if the world was a different place and the friend I just lost and I were both single, yes I would date him, but he and I are very much in love with our spouses and have no intention of leaving them. I love my friend. I am in love with my husband.

I think the problem is I feel betrayed. Although a few people from my past knew of my dad's alcoholism, he was the first that helped me process through it. He is the only one I ever shared my SI with. He is the only one I ever admitted to being molested as I child to (heck, it's even difficult to type it out even though I know none of you will ever know who I am), until after I talked with him about it I told my husband. I've never had counseling or therapy. I've always bottled stuff inside. I finally spilled the beans, which was a big deal to me and I thought I was understood, and then I was set aside like a rotten piece of fruit.

I also have ongoing issues with insomnia and difficulties eating when I'm stressed out. I throw up and after a couple days of throwing up I get afraid to eat because every time a morsel of food passes between my lips I get anxious about not keeping it down. I'd rather not eat then eat and throw up. Admittedly I did almost completely quit throwing up when he and I were writing, probably from working stuff out instead of bottling it up, and now it is back and worse than ever. My anxiety attacks have been with me since i was a teenager, although I'd admit none held a candle to the intensity and duration of this last one.

This also happened at the same time i have been experiencing terrible flashbacks with an intensity I haven't felt since i was a child that started days before my friend tossed me aside. Additionally, one day before I was tossed aside I attempted to reach out to my father and was turned away. I also realized he is having SI again and pretty much feels he doesn't have to bother because his physical health with get him soon anyway (and he is quite likely correct). So yes, not that there would have ever been good timing, but this was really bad. He was my confidant when i am in pain and now he is gone. I am mourning the loss of my friend and I am beside myself in trying to deal with the pain of his loss, my flashbacks, my rejection from my father and hold it together enough to take are of my kids, my husband, and my job.

Therapy is not my thing. Never was, never will be. I require two way communication about feelings and any therapist who does that has terrible boundaries. I'm hoping through talking to people at psych central I will be able to process through things. Even if no one responds, I learned it helps to type the mess in my mind out to help recognize and sort through my thoughts.

Come to think of it, it has. I am able to eat small meals now. I haven't thrown up since Sunday. My anxiety persists, but with no where near the severity. I am wounded and my scars will never fully heal, but they won't be fatal either.

Thanks

Originally Posted by messedinthehead

Therapy is not my thing. Never was, never will be. I require two way communication about feelings and any therapist who does that has terrible boundaries. I'm hoping through talking to people at psych central I will be able to process through things. Even if no one responds, I learned it helps to type the mess in my mind out to help recognize and sort through my thoughts.

Messedinthehead... Have you actually tried therapy? It's just that I read so much.. well, mess with your post. You've had a real tough time of it, and it makes me so very sad to read that you've gone though all this, and coped pretty much alone.
-But that's the thing, by your reaction of you losing your internet pal, you're not coping all that well. I don't think so anyway. I am not trying to attack you, far from it, but I do know from experience that when we are in the thick of stuff, when we are used to behaving a certain way, we do not think that way is wrong or that there is any other way possible. But when sitting on the outside, like I am, and reading your post it really feels to me that you are not coping as well as you could.

Fair enough, therapy isn't for everyone, and that I understand. I just wonder if you've decided that therapy isn't for you and you've not tried it. There are a few bad therapists out there, but there are also some really excellent ones - and it's not just about communication (am not sure what you meant by your terrible boundaries comment btw), but more importantly I think for you is that they can teach you better coping methods.

In your own words, wouldn't you like to stop feeling the following; paranoid, major anxiety attacks, insomnia, difficulties eating, feel betrayed, nervous, flustered, shaking, extremely sad, terrified of rejection.

I hope that this place can help you, I really do, but I fear we will not do as good a job as a one-to-one with a professional.

Good luck to you and I hope one day you'll find real peace with yourself.

[gnat]

Riotgrrrl- No, I have never tried therapy, for multiple reasons. My work history includes working as a mental health counselor. Although now I push paperwork, I remain in the field and continue to work with other mental health professionals and attend conferences. Part of me is afraid I would run into former or future coworkers or clients in the office or run into my therapist at conferences. (Ethically they couldn't approach me in public, but I wouldn't feel comfortable).

I would also find myself over-analyzing their techniques and would likely end up trying to turn the table, trying to become the therapist rather than the patient.

Another thing- one reason my friend was great is he was always available. Sure he didn't respond right away, but if I was having an anxiety attack I would quick send an email, if only a couple lines. Just typing it out was a great comfort and if I hadn't calmed down before he responded, I always did when I heard from him. I need to find a way to deal with my anxiety when it hits me, not 3pm on Thursday, every other week.

I also have financial concerns and work/family issues. My job requires me to get my daily work done, even if I take PTO. In order to leave early for therapy, I would have to come in early. I already come in at 6am and I need time to sleep. I have to get home on time to get my kids from daycare as my husband and I juggle our work schedules with daycare by having me go in early and getting them from school/daycare and he goes in late to get them off to school/daycare.

I also can't stand the thought of having to pay someone to listen to me. How much would that stink? Now, I cared about my clients and liked about 3/4 of them, but I was only there for them when I had that job and I moved on when it was convenient for me, and although I still think from time to time about some I particularly liked, I will never be there for them again. I have issues with over attaching and I fear rejection. I don't want to work with a therapist for as long as is convenient with them, grow to rely on them, and then have them leave. I'm not putting myself through that again. Even here on psych central as I make friends I will be keeping them at a certain distance in any private conversations, keeping my deepest issues for whomever should come by a public post, not to dump on one specific person as I don't want to over attach.

Anyway, I am coming around quite a bit. I'm no longer angry with my friend, I only have minor anxiety issues when I see him posting away on Facebook, things are going well at work, more or less. I still had a couple small anxiety attacks today, but they started and ended, they were not the constant week long nightmare I started with. I guess now that the shock of it is over, I am beginning to realize being tossed aside to save a marriage is OK. I don't like it, but it's not the same as the rejection I got from my friend I lost as a teen. I still have an urge to write and when i was anxious today I picked up my phone twice out of habit, but realized what I was doing before it was too late. I'm starting to believe I will survive this, even if a sadness with forever lurk. Of course, I can still bring myself to tears by thinking of my dog that died when I was 11.

Oh- and what I meant about the terrible boundaries comment is every counseling/social work course I took as well as agency policies for companies I've worked for, stating it is poor boundaries for therapist to participate in any self-disclosure. Some even consider it unethical. When I first started out I didn't get it. I felt part of what would make me a good counselor is because I've shared in so many of the experiences of my clients. I never did though, because it is so incredibly frowned upon in my field and through observation of colleagues and patients, I did eventually understand the importance of keeping my experiences to myself. I was still able to tap into my feelings and reactions to my own life to really get what people were going through and every supervisor I've ever had said I had an incredible way of understanding people and what they need, but I was able to do so without ever letting them know of my own issues.

[hamster-bamster]

There is no point whatsoever in having T at the expense of sleep. The need for regular sufficient sleep is a major, overarching, high priority need that trumps any other concerns, including therapy. Priorities or, using an older expression, "first things first".

Especially with anxiety, because lack of sleep will make anxiety worse.

So, on those grounds alone, even without considering your own professional identity, no point to strain yourself in order to be in therapy.

Originally Posted by messedinthehead

Riotgrrrl- No, I have never tried therapy, for multiple reasons. My work history includes working as a mental health counselor. Although now I push paperwork, I remain in the field and continue to work with other mental health professionals and attend conferences.

Fair enough, now I understand. Bit like doctors make the worst patients huh? But I have to ask... as you know every trick in the book and totally understand how therapy and their techniques work, why do you not apply them to yourself to help with your own issues?

[EBD8]

In any relationship reguardless of what type it is, TRUST is the most important thing that two people can have. This man was your security blanket. The loss you feel is very understandable considering what you have been through. He basically served as a therapist for you and it's not uncommon at all to develop a deep emotional attachment/connection to someone that can provide you with that level of comfort. It seems that you are beginning to work through some of the issue's of losing this connection and I wish you the best of luck. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

[adam_k]

I can understand what you are going through. We all need a way in our life to be able to express how we feel and have someone to talk to and lean on for support. In an idea world that would be our spouses or families. Myself I tried opening up to my wife about my depression and other issues and it didn't work well for me. I started to feel worse and it began to depress her. She looks to me to solve things, give reassurance and be in control and strong. My family isn't good for me to talk to either. The members of my family that don't have their own issues are none. Lots of drug addiction, dysfunctional relationships, and a general lack of support. Opening up to them, led to a lot of judgment and feeling really crappy about myself.

It takes the right people in your life to talk to. This friend provided an outlet for you. It really sucks that he left you hanging. He may have had his reasons, but that doesn't make it suck any less for you. I'm sure it feels like someone died. You had something that was meaningful in your life and now it is gone. I'm sorry for what you are going through.

Maybe finding another friend could be beneficial to you. Someone that you have common ground with and can talk to. I think everyone needs someone in their life to lean on and give/take support with. Bottling things up isn't healthy and can lead to more anxiety, worsening of depression. I hope you can find a way to let all the things out that are bothering you. Take care of yourself and I hope thing improve for you.

[hamster-bamster]

I think the positive "lesson learned" that can then be transferred over is, in general terms:

- you benefited from having an outlet and a sounding board.

So eventually you will need another one.

[gnat]

Thanks for understanding.

Yes, I was always the strong one in my family. Really I was the best faker. My husband has minimal interest in hearing my problems, but it is nice to have someone.

And it does feel like mourning a deceased friend/family member. It's silly, because he's very much alive and happier this way. Then I start feeling selfish again.

[gnat]

roitgrrrl- The thing is I was going quiet well, he was my outlet, now not only did I lose the outlet I'm mourning his loss, I'm feeling terrible about being rejected, although I knew for along time he did far more for me than I for him, this took away any doubts in my mind, I also know I would never let him go in any situation other than what occurred. Even had it been my husband who had a problem with it, I would have continued because we weren't cheating, we were just friends, and he means far too much to me to let go. But that isn't what happened. What really happened is his wife put pressure on him so he chucked me aside without even talking to me about it. Perhaps had he at least done that, acknowledged my pain, exposing any of his if he is feeling any, perhaps it would have been easier. When he knows he is my only outlet and walks away with a "sorry about everything," it hurts all the more.

[Perna]

Loss is always painful. That you only have/had one friend means it is even more difficult for you. Why the other person ends a friendship is not important; he could be blaming it on his wife when it is he who is uncomfortable -- I do that all the time. The wife was not in the relationship. Too, what you told your friend has nothing to do with anything. That it was or was not your deep dark secrets is up to you and what you wish to tell another. They and their telling are yours and only have meaning to you.

It sounds to me like you need to learn to make friends, not just online, and you need to spend more attention on your own marriage. I cannot imagine telling my deep dark secrets to a friend of the opposite sex that is not my husband or therapist nor can I imagine not telling my husband my deep dark secrets. But, mostly, I don't really have any deep dark secrets; I don't believe there are such things, all of us are human and have a full range of human abilities, thoughts, feelings, experiences, etc. There are no secrets.

I was in group therapy once when the therapist gave us each a present. It was a plastic pile of poop gag gift to remind us that all our poop smells alike, that there is no "special" poop.

Originally Posted by messedinthehead

roitgrrrl- The thing is I was going quiet well, he was my outlet, now not only did I lose the outlet I'm mourning his loss, I'm feeling terrible about being rejected, although I knew for along time he did far more for me than I for him, this took away any doubts in my mind, I also know I would never let him go in any situation other than what occurred. Even had it been my husband who had a problem with it, I would have continued because we weren't cheating, we were just friends, and he means far too much to me to let go. But that isn't what happened. What really happened is his wife put pressure on him so he chucked me aside without even talking to me about it. Perhaps had he at least done that, acknowledged my pain, exposing any of his if he is feeling any, perhaps it would have been easier. When he knows he is my only outlet and walks away with a "sorry about everything," it hurts all the more.

I totally understand about loss, and you have my every sympathy, honestly, you do. But it was the other parts of your posts that made me question, which made me think there is much more to this than the loss of a good friend. I do not understand, esp as you've been a therapist, why you do not work out the stuff that made you suffer so very badly, why you do not work on your attachment issues and why it devastated you so much. It to me seemed a huge huge huge issue and one that can be helped.

Even now, you talk about him acknowledging your pain and 'chucking' aside. You know that nobody ever has to give you anything or a reason to do it. It's up to us to control our reactions. It's not his fault he was your only outlet - that is your choice. By the sounds of it, even though he was an internet buddy, he had good reason to end it for his marriage. His wife is number one, as it should be and I can understand why she felt uncomfortable - it's like an emotional affair. I know that it wasn't sexual, but emotional - worse in some ways. Please do not deny that because if it wasn't emotional you wouldn't have reacted this way. You should, as a friend to him, be grateful for such friendship over the last two years, and let him go without all this ill-feeling and pity.

As his wife is number one, your husband should be number one. If he is unable to discuss things with you that you need to talk about, then I like the suggestion of Perna's, you need to make more friends, and not just online. You also need to understand that friends are not therapists, and unloading can be ok for some, it won't be for others. As your husband is unable (or unwilling) then the offloading really should be with a therapist, as much as you hate the idea.

We are in control of what we do with our lives, we really are. If we are unhappy, we can only look to ourselves to change it. Endless reasons of why we can't change things is just fear or misinformation, but in reality we can change things.

[gnat]

Perna- That has occurred to me and I think that is what hurts the most. Over the years while we were writing his messages became fewer and fewer. He insisted it was because he was busy and didn't have the time and I worked hard to believe that. As i had another sleepless night last night I finally listed to that nagging voice that has been in the back of my mind all of this time. I realized he did not write me off because of his wife, he did it because he is done dealing with me.

There was a point early on in our relationship where he was trying to get in my pants and he suggested we open e-mail accounts our spouses did not know about and i refused, telling him I will not sneak around behind my husbands back and we would keep in contact they way were. It showed me the lack of commitment to his wife he had, yet he tossed our friendship aside.

riotgrrl- I think I got the wrong message across by calling it my "deepest darkest secrets". My husband knows all of it, but doesn't like to discuss it and when I do he gets very angry with my family and is very cold, sometimes rude, when we get together. It was nice to have someone to talk to who is not involved in my life who could give me an outside point of view and has been there in very similar situation.

Also, where my husband had no problem with me emailing my friend, he absolutely does not want me to see a therapist. He thinks they are a waste of time and money and doesn't understand the need.

I also do have real-life friends aside from my internet therapist, but I do not like talking to them about this stuff because they aren't there. They don't have mental health issues, they don't get it.

And the reason his wife put an end to it- she multiple affairs with the same guy and thinks it's unfair that she is not allowed to talk to him anymore, yet her husband gets to e-mail me. He explained it's different because he and I have no sexual relationship and keep boundaries, but that wasn't good enough for her.

[Open Eyes]

(((messedinthehead))),

It sounds like you are a fairly young mother with children, a husband that is busy providing and you have not really had a way to share your personal challenges with someone on a consistent basis. Somehow you met this guy who also just needs to have someone to share "his" challenges with too. And you had a way of filling that "lonely need" to be able to just vent and share your personal worries with. A lot of people struggle that way, and sometimes search the net for some kind of connection, some one somewhere that will actually "listen" and help them "problem solve" or even just give them a kind of "parental" comfort and assurance too. A "parental" kind of comfort doesn't really come from a husband, and maybe not even a wife either so we often look outside our marriage relationship for this support. So many people "hunt for that" parental kind of "comfort and permission to be ok with life and keep thriving". It's not just "you" that wants this either, it is a very "human need". It doesn't even matter if someone works within the mental health field or not, they can be good at handing it out all day long, however the reality is, they also need it themselves too. It is very common for T's to have T's you know.

This friend that needed to distance from you? He is not really "rejecting" you, however, your consistent "need" got to be too much for him.

I have a couple of friends that I have made here at PC. I spent a lot of time with a male friend here too, and there are times where he doesn't PM me back. But, he too has challenges and I know it isn't because he doesn't "care" about me, he's just busy with "his" life challenges, that's all. He is married, and I am married and it is not any kind of romance, just friends that share and support each other. When I don't hear from him, I know he is busy with his family and he knows that about me too. I don't expect him to "fix" my problems either. He is not a therapist either, and neither am I.

I have made several friends during my time here at PC, but there is no way I can keep up with all of them every day, I have too many challenges of my own and I honestly do struggle sometimes and I can get very caught up in that and even at times become very "self absorbed". That doesn't mean I "don't care" about others or are "rejecting them" either. I just honestly can't spend all my time tending to others, I have to work on my own issues and I do have a business and my own challenges IRL.

You interacted with this person almost "every day" it sounds like right? Well, that is a lot for another person to consistently tend to, it really is. If someone needs a time out from that, it doesn't mean "rejection" you know, all it means is that they can't keep devoting so much "time" to it. And I am sure that is "why" he suggested this site to you, so you could have "more than just him to support you", that is not "rejection".

Hun, you need to understand that you can't demand "other people" to be there for you "everyday" like that, and it doesn't mean you are "unworthy" either. Even a therapist may see a patient a few times a week if that patient is really struggling for a while but their goal is to get their patient to slowly be able to manage their life with less and less therapy time to going once a week.

I understand that you may feel "leary" of therapy because you work in the mental health field, however you "can" find a private therapist that you can develop a good relationship with outside of that, therapists are good at being confidential, and it really is not unusual for a T to even have their "own T", after all we are all "only human" and it is so normal to need someone to listen, no man is truly an island.

I can see where you turn to dancing and an outlet, however that is not the same has having a consistent source of psychological support, having someone to listen and help us problem solve.

I have found a really nice T myself and we often just talk as friends too. My T went through some big challenges in his life too, stopped practicing and just worked on himself and that made him a much better therapist too. The idea that a T doesn't have their own challenges and needs is not being realistic, because they do and lets face it, listening to people who are challenged every day is draining and sure to get anyone to a point where they just need to vent too. We don't have to suffer from some kind of major disorder to see a T either, life itself is a major disorder right? It is always good to find a T that is older though, someone who has been where we are and can help us get past where we are in life, because there really are stages we all go through and genuinely struggle you know.

As far as people we connect with in our lives coming and going in and out our lives, that isn't "rejection" when they choose to spend "less time" with us either. A lot of that is simply because people might just like to mingle with different people along the way as they grow and try different directions in their lives. Then often down the road people reconnect and can share more of what they have learned from venturing into different social situations.

Being a "young mother" is very time consuming and it really is "normal" to be lonely because you are tending so much to children, house, school, and having time with your husband too. It is common for a woman in this part of her life to push her "own needs" aside and then struggle like you are too. This is the time where you must schedule in time for yourself though, and only "you" can do that for yourself too. However, when you do that, you also show your children the importance of "self care" and that when we "self care" we can actually spend more "quality" time with our families verses feeling lonely and unsupported somehow.

So please, stop this "self punishing" and "starving yourself of good nutrition and not sleeping and spiraling down into some pit of "no one likes me or cares or listens", you need to "reach out for that" and not be embarrassed about needing that, because that is a common need, and nothing to be embarrassed about or that it means you are somehow disordered either.

The other thing many mothers do is get involved with their children's activities more, becoming a girl scout leader and believe it or not, there are wonderful courses in that area where mothers can learn so many good life skills that help them in so many areas of their lives. My older sister did that and she struggled with social anxiety and those courses really helped her a lot with that challenge. A mother doesn't have to become some kind of "waitress" you know, there are really "good things" to become involved in where a parent can learn so much and grow more as a person too. Not only that but being a parent is not really something we "just do" we all actually have to take time and connect with that part of society and get involved so we can actually learn how to be a better parent too. As we do that, we can bring so much of what we learn to our families, more then is imagined. Also as parents take time to do this, they will meet others people that can help to fill a void in them too.

OE

[gnat]

Open eyes-
I am an old mother with young kids *chuckles*. My husband and I both work outside of the home. I even put in more hours than he does. I also wasn't looking for someone to dump on when I came across this friend. We were friendly acquaintances in high school and after FB was invented, we were friends there. He posted once about vomiting from stress and I sent him a private e-mail to notify him I did the same thing and I told him about the meds I took that help prevent me from vomiting. I expected no return response, perhaps a thank you, but that was it. Instead he started telling me his life story and asking me about mine. It was all an accident, really, but one I was very happy to have had up until a couple weeks ago.

You are right about how draining it must have been for him with me writing so often, I did write most week days and when time were tough, the weekends too. I read your response on my lunch break and thought of it on my drive home and you really did nail it. When his wife cheated on him this most recent time, it literally made me sick. I fell into a depressive state upon hearing the news because I was so sad for him. I also found myself unable to talk to him about it because I was so angry with her and had very little good to say and I felt he was at a very fragile state with his relationship and the last thing he needed was to hear what I thought about her and the situation because if he decided to leave, it needed to be a decision made solely by him, without my negative influence. So, yes, I didn't silence myself, I continued to talk, but I only talked about my own issues and almost never his because I simply didn't know what to do. Even when I talked about my own stuff, for the first time over I hid the reason for my depression- I didn't want to add any additional burden of my stressing over his marriage to stress him out. I thought I was doing the right thing, but now see I not only ignored his needs, I was like a 3 year in the next room when mom is trying to cook, shouting, "Look at me, look at me!" My poor friend. No wonder he had enough.

I also am doing much better. At first I was hurt, shocked, lost....The perma anxiety state I was in has been dramatically reduced. I only notice it when it peaks or when I'm trying to sleep. I have found breathing exercises when I'm at work and physical activity when I'm at home to be helpful. I haven't thrown up in about a week and can eat so long as I take acid reflux meds religiously. Now I'm trying to understand and to figure out what to do next- torn between wanted to find a new outlet and the fear of over-attaching and being hurt all over again. For now I'll focus on breathing, going through the motions of life, hoping I'll feel like I'm living again.

[gnat]

Oh, and I also stopped him from showing up in my news feed. Although I want to continue to have him as a Facebook friend, to be reminded he is still out there, I'm not ready for that just yet. I now see his posts and am filled with anxiety and sorrow, but it will get better some day.

[hamster-bamster]

I think the guy could have been a little more lenient with his wife in order to retain the privilege of corresponding with you, and his refusal to do that for your sake is what feels like a rejection and hurts so much.

If indeed ALL she asked of him is to allow her talking to her former lover, and, she was willing to allow his talking with you, and he declined, then sure, he put his needs way above yours and you are well entitled to all your feelings and are not being selfish.

[Open Eyes]

I can understand how it can be hard to know how to respond when a friend like that is experiencing marriage problems, cheating especially is very big challenge.

You learned something from this, give this person some time. I hope this person is working with a T for support with this challenge. Give him some "space" if he needs it. It could also be that he doesn't have energy to talk to anyone right now, as I mentioned having a spouse cheat on you really hurts, I know, I experienced that myself and I was in no condition to help or really listen to anyone else either. I was deeply hurt and very lost when I experienced it. So as I mentioned, give this friend some space.

OE

[gnat]

hamster-bamster- no, he would be a fool to allow her to continue corresponding with this guy as history tells us they'll end up in bed together again. The thing is, he and I were just friends. We weren't sneaking off and having sex as she and her lover were. We weren't in love.

Open eyes- don't worry, although I have to fight the urge every day, I have no plans to contact my friend. He doesn't want me to and I'm realizing more as each day passes, it's not just about his wife. His responses were becoming scarcer and scarcer and said a lot less. They had lost their feeling, and were basically acknowledgements that i had written to him. I think he was tired of dealing with me and took this excuse to solve the problem. I mean, he didn't even take the time to really say goodbye even though he said we could exchange a couple more emails to do so. He wants to move on and if I chase after him, I'm just being a nuisance. I get that. I hate it, but I get it. Besides, I don't think I could ever open up to him again like I have in the past. I could listen to him, but could I dump on him? It would take a long time as I'd fear he's going to bolt again. *sigh*