Terrified of relationships/dating

I've never been in a serious relationship because I am terrified. It is so bad that I cannot even go on dates. Everyone tells me that I have trust issues but I am not sure of why I am like this. It is very difficult and I am not sure how to change this. I would absolutely love to go on a date with someone, if they asked me but as of now I just cannot do it. I don't get it.

Does anyone else have this issue? Any suggestions?

It makes me very depressed

Seems like an issue of not wanting to get hurt? I remember I went through a period where I was reluctant to date because I knew it wouldn't last, and that I would eventually be in pain.

Getting over it involved facing the fact that I will feel pain no matter what, but it's worth the risk.

I think you should take a risk and ask someone out!

Yes I have these same issues! I haven't been on a date in over 10 yrs! I had 2 really bad abusive marriages during my life. That on top of all the bs from childhood are the reasons why I gave up. I decided I was better off alone because I never wanted to feel that type of pain & misery ever again. Even though I've made this decision for my life I do sometimes feel very lonely & wish that I had a healthy & loving relationship with someone.

Hurting is horrible feeling!

Are you seeking any professional help? How effective is your support network? To me it sounds like you want to explore, to seek a better understanding of how you have reached this point - therapy is often the best option for that. That isn't to say there are no ways of helping yourself with this matter. What is it you enjoy? Do you think meeting someone through a more familiar setting like that would help? If you're terrified of how you will come across and what it is you'll have to say this is where having something in common with the other person definitely helps. Bolstering your self esteem in general is also another way of ensuring you will feel more confident and relaxed when meeting new people. Go out with your friends as much as you can and enjoy the perks of single life - it takes someone special for you to want to give that up and i think the more assured you are of yourself, the easier it is to spot the right person for you. Good luck.

Me too. My suggestion is just to accept it and not let it get you down. I have a horrible track record when it comes to dealing with people in general. So I'll let it out here: I have NO friends and I'm proud of it!

This is a trivial issue.

In economics, there is a concept of "risk aversion".

So, you are extremely risk averse when it comes to romantic relationships. You are taking risk aversion to its logical extreme.

Being so risk averse the way you are DOES have its benefits: you will NOT get hurt.

It also has its downsides - you will never be happy (humans are social animals, so you cannot be happy just being alone since you are a human).

So you need to make a choice inside your mind and for yourself by answering this question: "Am I afraid of feeling hurt so much that I am ready to give up the only chance of being happy?"

Nobody can make that choice for you - it is your life and you get to decide how to live it.

I probably need to seek professional help. People have pointed it out to me. I notice it is only getting worse.

Well good for you for recognizing that this is something you need to take control over. Whether you have self esteem or intimacy issues or whatever, a trained professional is likely to have had experience in these areas and will be best suited to helping you. I agree in that you need to do as much as to maintain a regular life as possible - carry on with what you feel you can comfortably achieve and who knows, with therapy you might be able to break down some of your barriers and do stuff you never even thought yourself capable of. I continue to wish you the best.

Is it fear of the unknown? Sometimes things can seem so scary, but in reality it's not as bad. Therapy is a great idea, esp as you sound like you want to get out there into the dating world. Will keep my fingers crossed for you big time and please keep us posted?

Dating can be a little nervy, but it can also be such fun. It's even fun wondering at the start if the guy is going to be enjoyable to be with, or a total idiot and wondering if the bathroom window is large enough to squeeze though.... (grins). Dating too, especially on first or second dates have no pressure to them, and they also shouldn't hurt you because you're not emotionally invested as you hardly know them. I hope that helps with there being less to be afraid of?

You have given me the courage to say it, thank you. I have no friends, nor do I have family whom care about me.

THAT!

Also, if you do not set any goals or expectations for dating, and just go in enjoying getting to know new people because people are always interesting at least to some extent, even when they are total idiots (unless they are aggressive), then you should be OK. So, with the right mindset, even a failed date can be fun.

Let us try this mental exercise.

Picture yourself on a date. Let us just imagine a typical date at a restaurant, without bells and whistles.

What is terrifying if you picture yourself sitting across the table from your date?

Do you feel afraid of not being liked?..

...or, of being liked too much, too soon, too intensely for you to even feel safe?

... or what? what exactly is so terrifying?


I bet if you can picture this and pinpoint/name what is so terrifying, it might even stop being AS terrifying as it is now, unnamed and completely catastrophic.

Just thinking of that made my heart race very fast.

While closing my eyes and imagining this...
First, I feel that the person will think I am not pretty enough.
Secondly, I don't know what to talk about, I am afraid they will find me unintelligent.
I also think that if it goes any further that the person will hurt me
but most of all, I am ashamed of being bipolar.
I feel that no one will accept this or they just cannot handle it.

Wow, this exercise is helping a bit! Thank you

Big hugs to you, it's rotten to feel like this about yourself. I do think tho that perhaps it's less about trust and more about your own self-esteem?
A lot of people, actually, probably every single person who goes on a date will think those things... am I pretty (or handsome) or interesting, or will I say something really stupid and they will laugh at me. This is including the chap you'd be on a date with! You're not alone, but it's how we cope with those thoughts. Is the answer to get out there and face it head on, or stay at home, feeling more miserable just in case your fears are realised? It's less about fear of hurt by your post I think, and more about a confidence issue?

If someone hurts you down the line, yes it will hurt. But it will not be the end of the world. Again, we all get hurt, it's a way of life. We sort out the good ones and the bad ones, but can only do this by getting out there and meeting people and we also learn as we go along how to cope with the hurt.

And you made me sad about your bipolar. Please, never be ashamed of who you are. It's not your fault that you are bipolar is it? This is just one part of you, and as a wise person on PC wrote to someone else here (which I am going to steal from them) please do not let your illness define you. Look at all the wonderful things about you and let those be who you are first and foremost.
Also - do not second guess people. You say they can't handle it, but why not let them make that decision? To fear the worst all the time is making you too afraid to try. Perhaps there will be someone (or many I would suspect) who may just surprise you given half the chance.

Hugs.

OK! Good work!

So, your heart races very fast - that is a symptom of physiologic anxiety. The best treatment (not that I do that, because I find breathing exercises boring ) is to breathe through it. Do not try to stop thinking about it - think about it, but breathe deeply as you think about it. Deep, conscious breathing is supposed to help with anxiety. By breathing through it, you will be facing the trigger, rather than evading it.

Now...

... a bit about myself - you will see how it is relevant.

I have anxiety about not having enough food if I have people over. I do not live with my children now, but back when I did, I would literally buy wholesale quantities of dips, chips, salsa, etc. at Costco for the parents who MIGHT come stay with their kids during birthday parties I had for my kids. Every year, most of the food would go home as leftovers, barely touched, and last for weeks. I did not learn from experience - I would do the same thing again and again, as if thinking "But what if THIS time all the parents come ravenously hungry and stay with their kids throughout the entire party, even though it has never happened before. WHAT IF???"

I now examine the underlying anxiety and notice that it is due to my upbringing. Both my grandmothers would cook for a big crowd even when they expected a small party. But still, they prepared a lot of extra. Just in case. WHAT IF people come unusually hungry. What IF?

Now that I think about it, I realize that I experience some kind of basic, primal fright when I think of running out of food and not being able to offer a dessert to my guests. When I experience this kind of primal instinctive fright, I do not even dare to think of what would happen in the worst case scenario.

However, if I do force myself to think of the worst case scenario, then it does not appear so bad anymore:

- OK, so what exactly will happen if I run out of food?
- My guests will not be full.
- And what is so catastrophic about, if I think about it?
- Well... I guess... they will not be impressed... they will be a little hungry... they... they...might not want to visit me again.
- Will I survive?
- Yes, I will...

See - if you force yourself to keep asking questions, it might not seem as catastrophic. Say, what could happen if they do not find you pretty or intelligent (we do not see your pictures, but based on the posts, you appear intelligent without problems)? What could happen? They... might not invite you for a second date. And what would happen then?.. Then, you will be disappointed. But will you survive? You will!