Mixed Signals?

Ok This is going to be a long post.

I am 27 now. Back when I was 13 I was in a band of sorts and hooked up with the drummer. We had a relationship, I guess you could call it. We liked each other and slept together. When I was 15 I quit the band to go on to do something else. As such we lost touch til about 4 years ago I found him through a friend on FB.

We starting talking on MSN and he keeps saying that he wants to come back to where I live (he's moved out of province) and see me and see if we can make a go of it. We both want kids, a life etc...

About 1.5 years ago his work supposedly had him in the city I live in and we had made arrangements to meet. When I asked him for the address/name of his hotel he asked how I was going to get there, so I told him I was getting a ride from my dad (as I didnt drive at the time). He never responded to that message and I didnt hear from him for a couple months. Supposedly his phone fell in a puddle or fountain or something and he lost all the contact info on it.

So a couple months later he gets in touch with me and we start talking again. That takes us to now. He says he's coming out here and would I meet him and go camping etc so on and so forth but I told him he has to meet my parents first so they know I am safe (they are over protective). He says "what if they dont like him" well, how will we find out if he never comes here. It's always "next month, I'm coming next month".. He has said that for almost a year now.. He always asks me for photos (both normal and 'sexual' ones) I sent him a few normal photos and said I'm not sending anymore photos til I get one of him in return. He has not sent a single photo.

Oh, also his name on MSN and the FB I found linked to his email is different than his name that I used to know him by 10+ years ago. I knew/know him as D**** G***** but his name on MSN and everywhere is J*** G****... and I asked him about the color of his eyes... 2 years ago they were green.. this year they're brown... :/

Also, I asked about the correct spelling of his name.. he spelled it - and I said, so I've been spelling it wrong!?! Oo He said, no..

I'm confused... He was my first love and everything so I don't know if I'm waiting too long, putting too much pressure on him, am being BSed around, or what?

What are all ya'll opinions and advice or suggestions??

Honestly? That sounds like it's not him and someone pretending. At least, that's what I'd be worried about. mostly that's because of the eye colour and spelling his own name wrong.

But having a different name? Lots of people use different names online than their real one.

Stick to your guns though and only meet up with him with other people with you. If he's legit then why would it matter if other people were around?

All sounds too suspicious for my liking. I would not meet up with this guy alone and would tread very cautiously. Many years have elapsed since you last saw and knew him. You really can't say that you know him at all so treat him as you would any stranger. Obviously you have an intuition telling you that something is not right so go with that. If he is really keen on meeting up with you he will do so on your terms. In the mean time cut back on contact and see if you hear from him. If you do, progress slowly, if not then forget him. He doesn't sound like a decent guy from what you have written in any case - what guy asks for photos of a sexual nature to be sent in any case. Also the confusing identity regarding his name, eye color etc only adds to the suspicion. What is he trying to hide and who is he trying to deceive is what I would be thinking. Take care and be careful x

I think you have gotten some good advice already. this all sounds too suspicious. He has strung you along too long to be legitimate. I don't believe it is the same guy either. I think youre being scammed. be careful.

Just a suggestion..you might want to ask him something ONLY the both of you know..something from childhood that you both shared, maybe? I feel that either he's married or hiding something because he's waiting too long, IMO....Be careful, regardless.

You guys all gave really good advice. I'll definitely try to think of something only him and I would know. And I think that I'll put a deadline on how long I will 'wait' for this guy. I'm thinking giving him to the end of the year and if he has not done anything by then - then to say goodbye to him.

As was said in the above posts, I am definitely worried it is not him from before. It's going to suck if it isn't him, but if it is then he has definitely changed from when I used to know him..

Has anyone else gone through or is going through something similar to this?

It really sounds like someone else is impersonating the guy you knew from childhood. I would be very, very careful. This guy could be dangerous. DO NOT meet him-- even in a public place-- unless he can absolutely confirm his identity.

Have you watched the show catfish? There are a lot of ways to do a little detective work online. Do a "reverse lookup" of this guy's e-mail address, phone number, physical address... or any other information you have. What name is listed? Look up his new name on google, linked in, criminal/background check websites, etc. See if there are current photos associated with the name/accounts. It really shouldn't be that hard to determine if this is the same guy or not.

I second this notion!!!

The bold part sounds very dubious (I am not saying that other parts are not, but they have already been commented on).

So I get dropping the phone in a puddle. I do those things some time. But all my contacts are kept in the cloud so if I drop my phone in a fountain, I do not lose my contacts.

And he is much younger than me - the younger generation of people are more technologically savvy.

But OK, let us give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he stores his phone contacts locally on the phone, which is very weird, but OK.

He still could have connected via FB telling you about the dropped phone INSTANTLY after losing your contact info in the puddle or fountain, and not after waiting for a couple of months.

Well... a situation I'm in is SOMEWHAT similar (as in I've just reconnected with someone I haven't spoken to in 4-5 years) but not all that much the same.

This guy, P, and I have been online friends since I was 15 (I'm 28 now). We've met in person twice, when I was 16 and/or 17. Lost contact when I was around 20, reconnected around 24, reconnected just the other day. I actually spent a while looking for him and actually contacted someone on fb that I thought was his nephew! Turned out I was right on that. We've only texted, and I suppose that it COULD be the person I messaged on fb. But there's no way it is. It's P through and through - he makes the same spelling mistakes, has referenced stuff from our past, says the same sorts of things, and uses the same catch-words. And he sent me an updated pic and while he looks very different from when we met in person, it's due to aging and I can still very much recognize him.

Even so? He wants to meet up when I'm back in the city. I will, but it'll be a very public meet.

Please make sure that you do NOT give this guy any money, if he's a scam then he's either trying to get money or trying to break your heart. If he uses money as a reason to not see you, DON'T buy into it. (I don't really think that needs said, but I just felt like I needed to say it anyway)

This goes for both Confucious and CheshireCatGrin:

I don't know if it is an imposter or a scammer or not. But, on the chance that it really is the guy from your childhood, you need to know that he is a different person now.

All of the evidence shows that he is not interested in a relationship. Only a hookup. If you are cool with that then fine. But DO NOT have the delusion that this guy is wanting to have a relationship. He doesn't want to meet the family because that ruins his ability to dissociate from the guilt of using you for sex. Or money. Or whatever.

I remember when I met my wife's family for the fist time when we were dating. I was nervous as hell because I was afraid that if the relationship didn't work out, they would all hate me.

This guy is going into it KNOWING that he isn't trying to make the "relationship" work. He is just trying to make the Hook-up work. So he KNOWS they will all hate him.

The thing is it doesn't really matter whether it's him or not - this guy is seriously suspicious, who asks for sexual photos from someone they haven't seen in 8 years?!?! Not to mention the fact that you knew this guy or whoever he is as a teenager - you didn't spend any of your adult years together so I wonder really how well you truly know each other. I wouldn't spend another moment on this guy, he's clearly got something preventing him from meeting you. Whether he's married, involved in criminal activity or simply not interested etc not even long ago friends would string people along for the time you've been waiting. I wonder what's making you cling to the hope that he is what you once knew him to be? You're relationship ended and you moved on so maybe it's best leave the past where it is and carry on with the life you've built for yourself. Someone will come along and make amazing memories for you both and the guy you're being jerked around by will be right where he needs to be - in the past.

It sounds like he's not thrilled that your dad was giving you a ride to meet him and that he'd have to meet your parents first, etc. At 27 that is a bit of an odd request, especially if you had sex with him when you were only 13. I think he's wondering about you and who you may have become as much as we're speculating about him.

I would either go visit him for lunch somewhere, public restaurant, middle of the day, travelling there by myself and making the decision if I wanted a further relationship with this guy or I'd give up trying to get together and talking to him as it doesn't sound like it is going to happen.

I agree with Perna - that bit is odd. A 27 year old woman is expected to make judgment on her own safety and on her dating material's quality herself. Also, he is right in wondering about the parents - it is odd that an American woman who is already 27 needs to run a guy by her parents first. You wrote "well, how will WE find out if her never comes" - in that language, you referred to you and your parents jointly as WE. There is nothing wrong in making such calls jointly with your parents, but it comes off as odd because it does not comport with the cultural expectations. According to current cultural standards, you are not supposed to be a WE with your parents at your age. You are supposed to make the call yourself - it is fine if you reach out to get the wisdom of the crowds online to HELP you make the call, but ultimately you should be the one MAKING the call - and not your parents, no matter how overprotective.

So while overall he sounds very dubious, his not being delighted to obtain clearance from your parents first sounds normal. Maybe in India it would be OK for him to obtain clearance from your parents, but in America this is odd.

Also, to the extent that the clearance from parents is necessary to assure safety, and assuring safety is necessary due to the nature of the plans (going camping together with someone can be dangerous, so yes, objectively, you need an assurance of safety), the best thing to do is to change the plans. In other words, as people have already suggested, meet with him in a public place. Just as other people meet their dates - in public places. Without obtaining clearance from parents. Do not plan to go camping until you feel comfortable. If he has to make two trips, so be it.

A bigger question is to you, though - why did you let him monopolize your attention span? OK, he keeps postponing his visits - fine; you still need to have your own life. The problem is not so much with him, but with you - you put your life on hold pending something from him. Not the best way to enjoy life.

Yeeea, I wouldn't trust or put too much stock into this. Have you ever seen "Catfish" on MTV? If not, watch it. You can find some of the episodes on youtube.