[sinking]

I hate kissing, always have.

anyone else? how do you deal with it?

can you LEARN to like it?

[Kate King]

me too! although, I have discovered that it makes a difference WHO I am kissing. It's more of an emotional thing for me. I can disengage in sex, but I think you have to be present if you are kissing...much more intimate, to me anyway.

[RoseBee]

Originally Posted by sinking

I hate kissing, always have.

anyone else? how do you deal with it?

can you LEARN to like it?

What do you hate about it? I hated kissing when I was younger because no one knew how to do it right. They were either sloppy, mouth too open, stiff lips and wagging tongue, bad breath, teeth issues, etc. (I actually shuddered a little bit recounting the horrors..) To me, it matters WHO you kiss and WHY you are kissing them. Are you kissing them because you like them? Are you kissing to get something out of it?

The best kisser I've ever had (I suddenly feel like a high school girl all over again...kissing and telling...) put passion behind his kiss. I can feel had badly he wants/needs me. He's thinking in his head, "What can I do to please this person?" (I just asked him what's going on in his head..so that's how I know. I am not a betazoid. Forgive the Star Trek reference. )

If it's just something you don't like, then you don't like it. Do something else you DO like instead. If you want to learn to like it, isolate what you hate about it, and avoid it ie: Only kiss when the mouth is clean, tell your partner not to have wet lips when he or she kisses you, etc.

[sinking]

Thanks. im glad to know im not alone.

i didnt know there were so many things about a kiss that could be unpleasant for me.

though, i've never felt the desire to kiss anyone. the few time i've done it, it was because i thought i was supposed to/they were expecting it from me.

maybe i've never found the right person.... or maybe thats just who i am...

thanks for your input.

I know someone who hates kissing and never knew why. I think tongue (french kissing is nasty). Why do you hate kissing?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by sinking

though, i've never felt the desire to kiss anyone. the few time i've done it, it was because i thought i was supposed to/they were expecting it from me.

maybe i've never found the right person.... or maybe thats just who i am...

It is hard to say whether you have not found the right person or whether this is who you just are (which also would not be the end of the world, btw), because your sample size is too small.

What can be answered, though, is the following question:

Originally Posted by sinking

can you LEARN to like it?

No. You do not like it because (at least in part) you have never felt the desire to kiss anyone. Desire is not willable. When you are asking whether one can learn to like it, you are, in essence, asking whether you can force yourself to desire it, and the answer is no, you cannot. Much as I cannot will myself into eating quinoa even though I know that it is a superfood - but I cannot overcome disgust and learn to like it.

If you relax, it might come to you - either a new desire to kiss someone you already know, or, in the future, a new person in your life.

[yellowfrog268]

sinking,

Thanks for bringing this up. I've never enjoyed it either. I do it with my husband because I know that it is a well established sign of love but it is very limited.

[sinking]

I am ashamed but i have to admit that i have VERY little experience in kissing, and the guys i kissed, i didnt feel much physical attraction for them, so maybe thats why, but even so, there are a lot of things i dont like about the pure act of kissing:

i dont like to feel the simple touch between the lips. they are SOFT and WET and i dont like the feeling of it. i also dont like to feel the "void" inside the other mouth and i dont like tongues touching. they remind me of slimy SNAILS. also, i honestly dont know what to do with my tongue or even my lips. opening/closing my mouth all the time? turning around my tongue? for what? i cant find any pleasure in doing so. so i prefer quick kisses with closed mouths only to show affection but i dont like even that.

nobody ever explained me how it works and i have learned nothing with experience. feeling so dumb, ugh.

can anyone relate or suggest what makes a kiss enjoyable?
the pleasure you get, is it only a psychological thing or should it be physical too?

[RoseBee]

Originally Posted by sinking

Thanks. im glad to know im not alone.

i didnt know there were so many things about a kiss that could be unpleasant for me.

though, i've never felt the desire to kiss anyone. the few time i've done it, it was because i thought i was supposed to/they were expecting it from me.

maybe i've never found the right person.... or maybe thats just who i am...

thanks for your input.

1) Wait until you WANT to.

2) Make sure their lips are DRY.

3) Lips are supposed to be soft..if they are rock hard they need some chapstick.

4) If tongues remind you of snails (as raisins remind me of ticks) then don't tongue kiss.

[hamster-bamster]

Psychologically, I like kissing because it is so optional. It is not necessary for the perpetuation of the species. It is not a requirement for having orgasms (in most people). It is fascinating and uniquely human (mammals lick, but do not kiss). Because it is so optional, it feels luxurious to engage in it. Basically, a blessing of human connection...

... but, sinking, I did not look at it this way when I was as young as you are. So you have lots of time to start cherishing kissing...

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Sinking,
I only say this to show you I'm in your boat. I've been married for a total of 20 years and can count on one hand the number of times I've kissed anyone. Different strokes for different folks. Maybe you'll find someone who likes to express affection another way. Nose rubs?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by bubsmiley

Nose rubs?

I used to love nose rubs when I was a kid.

I was told that Eskimos say hello with nose rubs.

Unsure if that is true, but nose rubs are wonderful.

Also, if you do not like moisture because it seems slimy to you, you can try fluttering your eyelashes against the skin of his face where it is dry.

[Kate King]

nobody ever explained me how it works and i have learned nothing with experience. feeling so dumb, ugh.

can anyone relate or suggest what makes a kiss enjoyable?
the pleasure you get, is it only a psychological thing or should it be physical too?[/quote]

I'm married and I STILL have no idea what I am doing, which makes the whole experience even worse because I am feeling so self-conscious. The only time I have ever truly enjoyed it was when I felt completely safe and valued, not just a body (unfortunately, this was not with my husband). I have found that it's hard to enjoy something when I feel like it's an obligation, as if it's a part of my job as a woman. AWFUL.

Are there other signs of affection that you do enjoy? If kissing, especially french (ugh, gross) is the only time when you feel squeamish and uncomfortable, it might be because you haven't found someone that you truly respect who also respects you, love (although, I find love to be a very abstract concept to pin down and label), etc. If it is all kinds of affection, there might be a deeper issue at hand.

I have no idea, that's just kind of what I am thinking. Like I said before, you are not alone.

I've read this post as well as the one where you explain your dislike of other people's company - are you in any sort of therapy? Some people just aren't the affectionate sort and prefer no one impacting their personal space. Whilst i'm personally alright with mild affection i know i prefer solitude and the company of my own thoughts and perhaps this is also the case for you. In terms of kissing, i think it heavily depends on WHO you're sharing the experience with but even then, certain techniques may be preferred and it might be best to keep the act short and void of anything that makes you unnecessarily uncomfortable. I would still keep an open mind but again this may well be something you don't have a preference for. However, as other poster's have pointed out, there are ways of expressing love for someone that involve less contact but are still affectionate. Shoulder rubs, eskimo kisses, hand/feet/head stroking being such examples. As long as you set the pace and are able to take a break when you need too, this might be a way of building a better idea of what you feel you can and can't do. I hope i've been of some help, all the best.

[Gale]

I used to like it when I was younger, but my partner and I are not compadible kiss wise. It is hard to find a good kiss match

[sinking]

Thank you all so much for answering. it is very relieving to know im not alone in hating kissing and that i can do something about it/find other ways to show affection.

yes, i've found out that waiting until i'll WANT to kiss him should make it better. i told him i dont like kissing and he is respecting me and it takes away a lot of pressure. even though he said he LOVES kissing and could spend HOURS doing just that!!!!! ewwwww

i could allow him a quick kiss on the lips as sign of affection when we were parting and it hasnt been as disgusting as it had been previously. maybe i need to take it slower and get to know him better/get used at his physical presence, feeling safe and that he wants ME, not only my body before i feel more comfortable with proper kissing. saying what i like/dont like (i can choose whether allowing it or not) is making me feel better too.

Spockette: yes, im in therapy. i've always been shy, introverted and a loner but i think my issues are made worse because of going through CSA. i thought i was over it, but its easy not to display any problems while isolating myself. i've just started to socialize more, having my first bf after 8 years and my issues are unexpectedly popping out and im not sure how to deal with them.

[mojo321]

Kissing for me has always been pleasurable. My wife, on the other hand, either changed, or was pretending when we were younger. I really thought we were compatible, but now days she keeps her kisses tight, and "smacks" them quick.

From this small sample size, it seems to me that the responses are skewed for females vs. males. But this sample size is way too small to make that leap.

Why do I find French kissing so incredible! To me, it is practically as good as sex. I could do it for hours too. You say you can dissociate during sex, but it is harder to do with kissing. But I think it is the association that makes both kissing and sex so great!

[EmilysZoo]

I have to chime in with my opinion because I find this topic so interesting.

I've been with my husband for over 20 years and I don't really like how we kiss. I still think back to the very first time he kissed me and it was sudden, unexpected, and not romantic. I should have known then that we are not compatible kissers! Well, being the extremely shy person I am, it's only been in the last few years that I've been able to tell him some things that I like (physically), but I just can't bring myself to talk to him about kissing. How do you tell someone you care about that you have not enjoyed their kissing (at least on the mouth) for 20 years without hurting their feelings?!

I have two good kissing experiences. The first was with a guy I had a crush on for months and when we kissed, it was magical because I had wanted to be touched by him for so long. It was very gentle, soft and not agressive.

The second was with a guy who was always considerate in asking what I enjoyed. When we touched, he would ask "do you like this way or that way of being touched?" He behaved the same way with kissing. I know it sounds strange, but he didn't just assume he knew what type of kissing I liked and had the confidence (?) to ask; ie softer, more firm, do you want my tongue in your mouth, etc.

My husband and I fit together for so many other reasons, but maybe one day I'll work up the courage to talk to him about our kissing.

Anyway, there are so many other ways to have good physical contact with someone--if kissing doesn't do it for you, maybe something else will.

[0w6c379]

Originally Posted by sinking

Thank you all so much for answering. it is very relieving to know im not alone in hating kissing and that i can do something about it/find other ways to show affection.

yes, i've found out that waiting until i'll WANT to kiss him should make it better. i told him i dont like kissing and he is respecting me and it takes away a lot of pressure. even though he said he LOVES kissing and could spend HOURS doing just that!!!!! ewwwww

i could allow him a quick kiss on the lips as sign of affection when we were parting and it hasnt been as disgusting as it had been previously. maybe i need to take it slower and get to know him better/get used at his physical presence, feeling safe and that he wants ME, not only my body before i feel more comfortable with proper kissing. saying what i like/dont like (i can choose whether allowing it or not) is making me feel better too.

Spockette: yes, im in therapy. i've always been shy, introverted and a loner but i think my issues are made worse because of going through CSA. i thought i was over it, but its easy not to display any problems while isolating myself. i've just started to socialize more, having my first bf after 8 years and my issues are unexpectedly popping out and im not sure how to deal with them.

Sinking, you sound so young. I think kissing becomes more pleasurable the more you do it. You begin to learn what sensations you like and what you don't like. You may not have been with anyone yet that has really turned you on. When you meet someone that you are emotionally charged by, kissing can be absolutely great. Then again, maybe it's not for you and that is O.K. too.