[Accounto76]

Background: I am married (17yrs) an 36. I met another married man on Craigslist three years ago. He and I have been having sex once a month off and on for these three years. We meet for sex, email ocxasionally, have occasional phone calls and have net for coffee only twice.

He is in the mental health field and is very good at his job. We had a blow up 1.5 years ago when he accused me of something I didn't do, and told me I was acting compulsively and had impulse control issues. This is because I kept emailing and emailin and emailing. Even when he asked me to stop. I took it to heart what he said and went to a therapist to talk about it. I didn't have a history of either and I explained it all to the therapist. She suggested that I was feeling the way I was because I had unresolved issues. And suggested I talk to him. He just refused to talk to me and said he dreaded seeing me. That hurt.

There was a situation involving him that I honestly happened upon that could have jeopardized his career and family life. I helped him with the situation. First I was mad at what the situation was, but then I realized being mad didn't help anyone, so I offered to help. We reconnected after that with no words spoken. Just some amazing sexual chemistry.

We recently had another falling out over the amount I email. He decided he wanted to take a break from sex, and that was fine, but I still considered him a friend. I thought we've grown close over the three years, we're very similar and I'd do anything I could for him, as I would a friend because I care about him. I don't want to marry him, or go on a date with him, or take time from his family, etc. I have my own happy family. He has been with other women during this time and I am very okay with that. He told me about his friend that he had sex with out of town and I was jealous. I was jealous for stupid reasons - not the sex, but that he's friends with her on Facebook and shares that part of his life with her, but not me. And gets angry when I email him. That started the recent falling out. Then I invited him to my house for an hour, and he was less than comfortable. He stood in my living room texting someone while I tried to finish myself with a vibrator. It was terrible. He was very uncomfortable there and I think left his family to see me, which bothered him.

He told me recently that I was being manipulative. And I didn't get that he really didn't want me to email any more and be conversational. I kept emailing! I even decided to take a 30 day break from email and Instill emailed him on Friday! Mainly to alert him that I would be in his neighborhood and as a courtesy notification. He just won't respond to my email and I can't call him, he only calls me.

All that background for this:
He says I am manipulative. Am I?
I would email over and over because I wanted him to respond. I was super kind to him because I wanted to be his friend. I am open and honest to him when I'm not to other friends because I know he is analyzing me.. I don't like to talk on the phone so I email - and he hates email. I helped him out of his situations second time because I wanted him to like me more. That's all manipulative, right?

Truth:
I don't want to hear about the affair part. I want to hear about the relationship part. My husband knows I've been with another woman, although I haven't told him about my friend yet...

I like him a lot. We have amazing sexual chemistry. Good banter. Very similar personalities. I don't want to see him for sex more than once a month, but I still would like a monthly phone call and a couple emails to chit-chat. He is in the mental health field, so doesn't have extra emotional wattage to give - I get that, I don't want that. But I think I was communicating more than he wanted, I just didn't catch on to that... Until it's always too late.

Was I manipulative, or is he falsely analyzing me?

I don't want to let go of him yet, but I think he views me as a patient that can come and go and not as a friend. If we aren't going to have sex, I am okay, but I feel like I'm losing a friend. We shared so much.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Accounto76

[He ] told me I was acting compulsively and had impulse control issues.

This is because I kept emailing and emailin and emailing. Even when he asked me to stop. I took it to heart what he said and went to a therapist to talk about it.

. He just refused to talk to me and said he dreaded seeing me. That hurt.

We recently had another falling out over the amount I email.

I thought we've grown close over the three years, we're very similar and I'd do anything I could for him, as I would a friend because I care about him.

He told me recently that I was being manipulative. And I didn't get that he really didn't want me to email any more and be conversational. I kept emailing! I even decided to take a 30 day break from email and Instill emailed him on Friday!

All that background for this:
He says I am manipulative. Am I?
I would email over and over because I wanted him to respond.

- and he hates email.

I helped him out of his situations second time because I wanted him to like me more. That's all manipulative, right?

Was I manipulative, or is he falsely analyzing me?

.

Manipulate - Definition and More from the Free Merriam-Webster Dictionary

<Quote>b : to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage
3
: to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one's purpose :<end Quote>

You mention that you keep emailing, over and over, in order to get him to respond. And that you helped him out of a situation, in order to have him like you.

If it is not manipulation, which is such a hard concept to truly define where relationships are concerned, then I would say it's certainly not being respectful of another's wishes, which in your case is, fewer e-mail contact, and now next to none?

I once had a therapist explain it to me, in terms of direct communication and a round-a-bout way to get one's way. It's a complex word, that can sometimes be tossed about loosely.

My concern for you, would be why so many e-mails? If that's not what he likes, how is that respectful to him, as a person?

I know, for myself, if I feel disrespected, I will withdraw from the person or situation.

So, my question for you, is now that he wants this to end, why hang on so tightly and not go find someone else, to build up chemistry and friendship?

When you mention, 'happy family', I just wonder, how so? Is that the illusion put out to others? Is your husband, also, having a side affair???

He doesn't like email, and you can't call him. Then he call's you manipulative? No, I don't think so on this point anyway - I think he's calling the shots. I do think that you are slightly coming over as desperate with all the emails, but when someone doesn't get a response from someone who is supposed to be a.. well... am not sure what he is, I can understand the frustration and almost determination to elicit a response. It starts to get obsessional tho, and then it is unhealthy. I do wonder if your words are true tho - you say that you just wanted a couple of emails a month and to hook up, but here you are sounding like you've invested emotionally with this man, which is at odds to what you say. You wouldn't be feeling so bad otherwise, surely?

I do think that it's natural to be nice & helpful to someone to hope they like you more, but is that manipulative? I guess so on a basic level - but surely that's what everyone does be it lovers, friendships - basically anyone we care for and care of their opinion of us.

I also think that he doesn't want to be with you any more, sex or friendship. I think it may be better to let this person go - he's no longer making you feel good about yourself and you're no longer connecting right? So what's the point of it all? Sounds like your arrangement has run it's course - for him anyway. If your own family life is so happy, go back to that, and forget him.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Accounto76

Was I manipulative, or is he falsely analyzing me?

He is misusing his professional knowledge. Yes, he is not being nice - he is falsely analyzing you. Which is not nice. And, it is wrong. When you email over and over again despite knowing that you should not be emailing, you are being anxious and neurotic, but not manipulative. He should know better.

On your end, you are not getting it. He does not want you to email - you should get it. You are in touch with your feelings - you explained what exactly made you feel jealous when he was a Fb friend with another woman but not you. So it was not sex that made you jealous, but the lack of social connectivity between you and him - you envied the other woman with whom he has social connectivity.

So, you need to re-rank the priorities in your mind. It is an exercise for your mind, done internally in your mind - you do not have to interact with him in order to got through this exercise.

In your mind, there is some kind of a ranking that places sexuality under social connectivity. Due to having this ranking in your mind, you feel slighted by only being his sexual partner, without being his FB friend. You further feel slighted by not having enough email interactions with him.

If you work with this ranking and place sexuality on the same level as social connectivity, you will stop feeling slighted, and might stop emailing him as much. Just accept that you have amazing sexual chemistry (you wrote that you do) and that sex once a month is all you need from him. And settle for that. There is nothing wrong with having a partner just for sex; the ranking in your mind makes it wrong/bad/insufficient/incomplete for you. Work with your mind. Analyze the assumptions and stereotypes that were implanted in your mind by your family, school, and society at large - they are probably responsible for the ranking in your mind.

I caution you, though - mental health professionals who abuse professional knowledge and professional terminology in their romantic relationships are dangerous people (I was married to such a man). If he keeps doing that (which undermines you), at some point you might feel that nothing is worth even the great sexual chemistry you two have. However, if you - in your mind! again, it is purely working with your mind! - accept him as just a sex partner, you will instantly become less vulnerable to his techniques and attempts to undermine you, and that might enable you to prolong the relationship with this guy.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

When you mention, 'happy family', I just wonder, how so? Is that the illusion put out to others? Is your husband, also, having a side affair???

I feel that the OP gave a very clear instruction in that she does not want to hear from people who just wonder about that when she wrote

Originally Posted by Accounto76

Truth:
I don't want to hear about the affair part. I want to hear about the relationship part. My husband knows I've been with another woman, although I haven't told him about my friend yet...

To me, it seems that OP knew where the thread could be taken, and tried to preempt that particular development by using clear and concise statements.

[Odee]

What a mess. This guy is unhealthy for you from the way he treats you alone, he doesn't respect you, he doesn't want you in his life and you can't make him want you. If you're going to cheat, he's not worth it.

But really, when you cheat you get yourself in a mess. AND RIGHTFULLY SO. You gotta accept this was a purely sexual affair, and you have no control or right to demands in that relationship. You put yourself in there and you can't really whine about whatever ***** comes flying back at you.

Work with your husband on that sexual chemistry. You are putting all your energy in the WRONG direction.