[LoveMaybe]

Hi-

I've been fighting with myself for a couple of months and to say the least it hasn't help my marriage one last bit. We have been friends for over 4 years. Last year we decided to get married for x-amount of reasons, but ever since I don't know if we made the right decision. (Keep in mind he is 24 and I'm 25) For about 2 months I cant help but think over and over I'm not with the person I'm suppose to be with. For about 3-4 months our sex life has become almost non-existent. Our 1 year anniversary was 2 weeks ago and we went away for the weekend he was expecting us to be in the hotel all weekend. Lately its almost as if I'm feeling I was hurried into this marriage. Don't get me wrong he is the most amazing guy and would do anything to make me happy lately I've been ignoring him and basically acting as if he was more like a live in roommate then my husband. I don't know what to do. I know he deserves better then me and I'm not being fair to him or me. I've even given couples therapy a thought, don't know if it would help but I'm willing to give us a try since he is a great guy and after all I do love him, Just don't know if he is being giving the love and attention he deserves.

Please someone help with at least steering me into the right direction. I don't want either of us to have a sour taste of marriage, we know the first year is the hardest but it shouldn't be like this.

[Travelinglady]

Welcome to Psych Central!

I do think some people have the idea that the first year should be all roses, but I think in some cases couples use the first year or so to work out issues. You folks are at least aware that the first year can be tough. All couples are going to have some disagreements. The key is how well the couple works them out.

I think you are on the right track about marriage counseling. If for some reason your spouse won't go, then please go yourself. There's no need to give up yet--or panic.

[kaliope]

Hi and Welcome to Psych Central
I think Payne has given you some good advice. Couples therapy is a good idea and if not individual will give you a sounding board to work on your own issues to sort out if this is where you really want to be at this point in your life. Therapy is good guidance. Give it a try. Again, welcome, you will find lots of support here.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by LoveMaybe

Hi-

I've been fighting with myself for a couple of months and to say the least it hasn't help my marriage one last bit. We have been friends for over 4 years. Last year we decided to get married for x-amount of reasons, but ever since I don't know if we made the right decision. (Keep in mind he is 24 and I'm 25) For about 2 months I cant help but think over and over I'm not with the person I'm suppose to be with. For about 3-4 months our sex life has become almost non-existent. Our 1 year anniversary was 2 weeks ago and we went away for the weekend he was expecting us to be in the hotel all weekend. Lately its almost as if I'm feeling I was hurried into this marriage. Don't get me wrong he is the most amazing guy and would do anything to make me happy lately I've been ignoring him and basically acting as if he was more like a live in roommate then my husband. I don't know what to do. I know he deserves better then me and I'm not being fair to him or me. I've even given couples therapy a thought, don't know if it would help but I'm willing to give us a try since he is a great guy and after all I do love him, Just don't know if he is being giving the love and attention he deserves.

Please someone help with at least steering me into the right direction. I don't want either of us to have a sour taste of marriage, we know the first year is the hardest but it shouldn't be like this.

When you feel that you were hurried into the marriage, it most likely reflects the fact that you indeed went too fast. So now you need to be honest with yourself. Being honest with yourself means dropping all the language of fairness and who deserves what, once and for all, and just facing the situation with all the ambivalence that it entails. To the extent that you are feeling that your marriage SHOULD have a certain taste - sour, sweet, or whatever - you are not living your life yet. You are playing a game of life. A big difference.

You are asking to be steered in the right direction. The only people able to determine the right direction are the two of you. To be able to determine what feels right, you need to be honest with yourself (being honest with yourself is hugely helpful, even if you are not being honest with your partner fully; the first step towards honesty is honesty with self).

[daledge99]

What I have learned is that communication is essential in a marriage. You both need to talk about your expectations, your goals, your fears. You also should discuss what your own experiences have been in your families. A good place to do this is in a counseling session. But you can start tonight - just the two of you.

You need to work out fundamental issues like finances and housework, etc. It's all just one big negotiation, really.

Sex is so important. It does a lot of things, and they are all good! So go seduce him tonight!

Why are you having these doubts? What is happening? Ask yourself if you are being
realistic. What is your idea of a perfect marriage, what is his?

Good luck!