Dealing with an Alcoholic Partner

Hello,

I am very new to this...literally just joined about 5 minutes ago But my main reasoning is to get some outside, unbiased opinions to help me better understand my partner and his addiction as well as my own obvious co-dependency issues.

In short version- I have been with my fiance for just over 2 years. We started our relationship through a very close mutual friend and initially were both big into the booze and bar scene. In my mind, I was out drinking so often because I was 1. lonely and 2. bc I hated being alone....then 3 came down the road when I wanted to be sure I seen him which typically meant going out to the bar (this was definitely a mutual thing). Once we got together the boozing and constant "party" slowly started to die down....we started a meaningful relationship and the alcohol was no longer a necessity for us to be together and open up. I would like to add- I was well aware that he had what most would consider a "drinking problem" when we got together but in my mind, so did I. I wasnt one who missed work to drink or didnt go to class (I was a full time student finishing up my bachelors when we got together) but rather someone who enjoyed getting drunk and "having fun" to be completely honest. Also important to add- my now fiance had a very different kind of drinking problem then I did...not trying to downplay one kind of drunk from another but our reasoning for drinking were very different...his stemmed from deep rooted emotional loss and need for alcohol to "feel human...feel good...have that personality that he used to". As I type this I can already see the dysfunction but again, this is my life and an honest account of how I got into the situation/love I am currently in. Ok so back to our story- as we continued to let our relationship bloom, we grew closer and closer and honestly fell in love. I loved him for all of him- his flaws, his good, his bad, and his drive to be better...as I truly believe he loved me for the same. I finished school, started a career after many failed jobs and moved in with him. Today, 2 years later, we have fallen in love, got engaged, and slowly fell apart....today we fight because he cannot stop drinking once he starts...he surrounds himself with this core group of friends who do not support our relationship (over nothing more then sheer jealousy) and sadly enough he continues to hang out with them and although he will deny deny deny, put them before me. He will go on 24 hour drinking binges where he blacks out and loosing control...in all sense of the word. The verbal abuse has gotten so bad throughout these times that we now have no "boundaries" we argue. It used to be that he would apologize, devise a half *** plan to change, and then we would move forward while I would hope and pray I would be enough....now not even that. He used to go for months without doing this but it is something as simple as that one friend calling and telling him hes a "p*ssy" for not going out anymore...and GAME ON. Up and down..up and down...sometimes he wont blackout for months, other times it happens every weekend...like I said, it all just depends. When we got engaged, I can honestly tell you I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. We were in such sync with each other that no one else mattered....he was my best friend, companion, heart and soul mate...but somewhere that just changed....he started to disrespect me more and what I believe is truly resent me for some odd reason that I could not even begin to try and explain. His last escapade consisted of him drinking for well over 24 hours, saying beyond hurtful things to me, embarrassing not only me but himself also, and then finally sobering up to tell me that I need to stop over reacting....that my "control freak" nature is to blame for me being upset and that if I would just let him be, we would not have this problem....he literally tells me that he has talked to several "friends" and co-workers and that his actions are completely acceptable....that his urinating on the floor, staying up for days drinking, is completely common and I need to stop being so dramatic. I have tried to get him to go to counseling, offering to go with him as its obvious I have some issues of my own...I have purchased books, tried talking to his family, tried being tough about it, leaving, crying....you name it, Ive tried. The longer I stay, the weaker I become...the more I make excuses for him and the more I isolate myself as I am sick and tired of being that broken record. I observed that I am the only one in his world that addresses the obvious issue and everyone else coddles him as if he is fine and nothing is wrong as not to upset him---its honestly sickening. I was planning a wedding and stopped...I am ready to leave and he is well aware but before I throw in the towel, because I do honestly and completely love this man, I am asking for advise...plz dont reply with the obvious as I am not insane, well maybe according to definition lol, but rather I am asking for honest feedback and most importantly, ADVISE on how to proceed and get through to someone like him. Thank you in advance as you have no idea how much your thoughts are appreciated!

Chloe,

The culprit is the friendship with people who "do not support our relationship (over nothing more than sheer jealousy)", it seems. Unless he dissociates from them fully, you are just being like Sisyphus (citing Albert Camus):

"The gods had condemned Sisyphus to ceaselessly rolling a rock to the top of a mountain, whence the stone would fall back of its own weight. They had thought with some reason that there is no more dreadful punishment than futile and hopeless labor."

I am sorry that you are going through this. However, I am going to give you my honest opinion here because I spent five years with a man who was an alcoholic and we even had two girls together and that couldn't even change him. You will not be able to change this man nor demand that he change. This is only going to make you crazy! This man obviously doesn't see that he has a problem because those that are giving him feed back probably are the same way as he is and they support this type of behavior. Therefore, everyone points the finger at you and says you are wrong. Well you are NOT wrong! You don't deserve to be treated this way. However, you said you knew he had a drinking problem when you first got involved with him. Until he thinks he has a drinking problem and desires to change his life, then nothing will change. As much as you love him, you can't change him. You can go to a support group to help you deal with his alcoholism but you cannot take this burden on your shoulders. You have to decide if this is how you want to continue to live if he doesn't decide to change. Best of luck to you.

Imagine your unhappy female friend came to you and told you that her boyfriend had a huge drinking problem, was nasty to her, was verbally abusive and not only didn't apologise when he was sober, but to blame her reaction for the problems it caused. What would you say to her?

I think that's the best advice I can give you because there is no advice to get through to him. Please respect yourself and not settle for second best.. as alcohol comes first. All the love and will in the world will not help him when he takes no responsibility. Sorry to read what you're going through, I know it seems such a shame to lose the good times but they will keep fading away the longer this goes on without him helping himself.

Wish you the best whatever you decide to do.