[Elektra_]

how am i supposed to move on from a guy with who i felt this great connection as if we could be great together?? i know im an idiot for saying this caz i dont know him in person we only talked on the phone for 3 days but i never felt this way before!
i always second guess myself or use double speech over situations i think is wrong but want to believe is right. like thinking that all he wanted was sex and didnt feel anything but refusing to believe thats completely true.. specially when my t makes me guilty and is almost defending the guy... saying u dont know if he didnt call anymore bc u said there wouldnt be more sex talk or if it was bc u insulted him!!!

anyway its been 2 weeks we had an argument over the phone he said he would call but till now nothing and i cant stop thinking about him and hopping he eventually contact me or we run into each other. if that doesnt happen i think im going to humiliate myself again and contact him when he clearly couldnt give a damn. im an idiot

[Travelinglady]

Are you thinking that any relationship, even a terrible one, is better than nothing? I do agree with your title. I honestly think it's time to move on. Get busy with other things. Okay? You just talked to a guy a few times over the phone.

[Elektra_]

Originally Posted by PAYNE1

Are you thinking that any relationship, even a terrible one, is better than nothing? I do agree with your title. I honestly think it's time to move on. Get busy with other things. Okay? You just talked to a guy a few times over the phone.

is it a terrible one? prob is im not 100 % sure of anything. he didnt make an effort to try and make me believe otherwise either. and is not that easy, i never had a guy calling me everyday and saying he would love to be with me. i ALWAYS have to move on. and i truly believed this would be MY TIME but of course not, im entitled to ****. i have no things to get busy. i have no life. thanks

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by Elektra_

my t makes me guilty and is almost defending the guy... saying u dont know if he didnt call anymore bc u said there wouldnt be more sex talk or if it was bc u insulted him!!!

he didnt make an effort to try and make me believe otherwise either.

i ALWAYS have to move on. and i truly believed this would be MY TIME but of course not, im entitled to ****. i have no things to get busy. i have no life. thanks.

I read your earlier threads on this topic as well, and I really think that your T is making a valid point, as hard as that may be to hear. You've had some difficult life experiences that probably make you assume the worst about others, but you're letting your fears cause you to lash out at people before they've done anything wrong. You have a negative attitude and tend to accuse and insult people very quickly-- and that is what is driving them away. Did this guy want sex? We have no idea. But, had you talked to him calmly, openly, and honestly-- rather than insulting him-- you could have found that out and, possibly, been pleasantly surprised that he actually wanted to get to know YOU as a person. If you want to get into a healthy relationship (or just friendship) in the future, I think you might want to work on overcoming your negative attitude and expectations. When you just meet someone, those can be very overwhelming for another person and generally do not entice someone to want to get to know you better. So, you assume they stopped talking to you because they only wanted sex but, in reality, they stopped talking to you because you were insulting and swearing at them. That creates a self-defeating cycle. It's good to have emotions; the key is expressing them in a healthy way rather than just lashing out at someone who is not really the cause of your anger (because your anger pre-existed meeting this new person). I realize that if you aren't ready to hear this, you will probably just lash out at me for my post. But I've read your other threads on this topic, and I'm saying this in an effort to help you understand why this keeps happening to you over and over again.

[Perna]

Talking to a new person on the phone for 3 days is not really a relationship yet or enough to judge anything one way or another other than to know you enjoyed talking to him on the phone. That he has not called back says he did not see a future for the relationship that you may have wanted; it takes two and he's not into it so you shrug and try again with someone else.

I would find an "easier" person to get to know, someone you meet in person and can get more of a sense of whether they are enjoying the relationship as much as you seem to, etc., maybe even quicker, so your imagination and hopes can't get as far from what really may be happening.

[Elektra_]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

I read your earlier threads on this topic as well, and I really think that your T is making a valid point, as hard as that may be to hear. You've had some difficult life experiences that probably make you assume the worst about others, but you're letting your fears cause you to lash out at people before they've done anything wrong. You have a negative attitude and tend to accuse and insult people very quickly-- and that is what is driving them away. Did this guy want sex? We have no idea. But, had you talked to him calmly, openly, and honestly-- rather than insulting him-- you could have found that out and, possibly, been pleasantly surprised that he actually wanted to get to know YOU as a person. If you want to get into a healthy relationship (or just friendship) in the future, I think you might want to work on overcoming your negative attitude and expectations. When you just meet someone, those can be very overwhelming for another person and generally do not entice someone to want to get to know you better. So, you assume they stopped talking to you because they only wanted sex but, in reality, they stopped talking to you because you were insulting and swearing at them. That creates a self-defeating cycle. It's good to have emotions; the key is expressing them in a healthy way rather than just lashing out at someone who is not really the cause of your anger (because your anger pre-existed meeting this new person). I realize that if you aren't ready to hear this, you will probably just lash out at me for my post. But I've read your other threads on this topic, and I'm saying this in an effort to help you understand why this keeps happening to you over and over again.

if the convos always ended up in him wanting sex... what should i assume? he wants to get to know me? even though i told him over and over that there would be no sex without a serious relationship. i sent him a msg saying there would be no more sex convo and he said nothing and after that he didnt msg me for 2 days!! im a supposed to not assume he wants to get to know me?? and not get pissed?

[Elektra_]

Originally Posted by Perna

Talking to a new person on the phone for 3 days is not really a relationship yet or enough to judge anything one way or another other than to know you enjoyed talking to him on the phone. That he has not called back says he did not see a future for the relationship that you may have wanted; it takes two and he's not into it so you shrug and try again with someone else.

I would find an "easier" person to get to know, someone you meet in person and can get more of a sense of whether they are enjoying the relationship as much as you seem to, etc., maybe even quicker, so your imagination and hopes can't get as far from what really may be happening.

even in person nowadays i dont even know when a dude is being honest. and in person is not much possible caz i dont go out so will be hard to meet anyone that way. my hopes and expectations always go further than they should, i know that. i never had someone wanting me so i always think is gona be this time but then is nothing like it. thanks

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by Elektra_

if the convos always ended up in him wanting sex... what should i assume? he wants to get to know me? even though i told him over and over that there would be no sex without a serious relationship. i sent him a msg saying there would be no more sex convo and he said nothing and after that he didnt msg me for 2 days!! im a supposed to not assume he wants to get to know me?? and not get pissed?

It really sounds as though you are so focused on "no sex!!!" that you are the one who keeps bringing up sex-- by saying you won't have it. Your emphasis seems to be on making sure whoever you're talking to isn't going to try to have sex with you-- that you've lost sight of the real objective, which is getting to know the other person. It's often a better strategy to just NOT bring up sex AT ALL and, if the guy you are talking to brings it up, THEN say "I do not want to discuss that; I don't discuss sex or have sex until I'm in a relationship." And leave it there. Don't freak out, don't insult him, don't get angry, don't swear, don't accuse him of only wanting you for sex, etc. Just say very calmly: "I don't discuss that until I'm dating someone seriously." THEN, if he brings it up AGAIN after you've said that, then you can write him off. But it seems your reactions are disproportionate to the situation-- it's fairly normal for someone you're talking to from an online dating site (which is where I'm assuming you met him?) to bring up something about romance/sex as part of the process of flirting. I don't think that means he ONLY wants sex-- I think it means he's trying to get to know all sides of you to decide if he is interested in meeting you for a date. However, if he wants to have detailed, explicit "sex convos"-- like cybersex or kinky, dirty talk-- then I think that's enough of a reason to say "I'm not interested; sorry." What I find confusing though is that you said "there will be no MORE sex convos"-- which indicates that you willingly participated in these conversations? If you don't want someone who is looking for sex, then why would you participate at all in "sex convos?" That is definitely sending the wrong message and would be understandably confusing for a guy.

I've done my share of online dating in the past, and I can say that I've never had a problem with people bringing up sex too early or only wanting sex. Yes, I've gotten first messages that are a bit too flirty, but I delete those without responding. Anyone who takes the time to send me a detailed message, talking about we have in common or asking me questions about myself, has turned out to be genuinely interested in getting to know me. I think it's usually pretty easy to tell from a first message what they are looking for. I think there's a good chance that you are either (1) on the wrong website-- which site do you use? Are you on a hookup site or something more like match.com? (2) you mistakenly assume that everyone only wants sex and find typical flirting to be evidence that the guy only wants sex, or (3) something about your profile, your language, or your behavior is sending the wrong message-- you're giving off the impression that you do want sex, so that is who you are attracting. Even saying something like "I do not have sex right away!" sends a bad message because it makes sex front-and-center when it should not be. It's bringing up the topic of sex too early. Personally, if someone I was talking to on an online dating site said "Know that we will not have sex right away!" I would probably stop talking to them because I'd think it was really weird, kind of angry sounding, way too presumptuous about MY intentions, and I'd wonder "Why do they think they need to tell me this? Are they trying to change their promiscuous behavior? Do they usually meet people that DO have sex right away?" It would scare me off. I'd wonder why this was one of the first things they are telling me, rather than talking about their job, their family, their hobbies, their interests, etc.

[Elektra_]

im not the one focused on sex. he was the one always ending up saying i want to kiss u and then kiss other parts and be graphic. now i think did he want sexphone? probably. so as soon he crossed the line i would come up with same discussion about him just wanting sex from me and that he knew i only have sex with serious relationship. i only said that before caz we did the get to know questions and he asked how long ive been single and then if i didnt have even casual dates.

u people love to make me sound more nuts than i am. i dont insult people out of thin air obviously.

maybe when he bring that up again i should have write him off but whenever we discussed the issue he would say wasnt just sex. so of course i wanted to believe that was true.

isnt a dating site. is a friendship CHAT with no registration.

[Elektra_]

wtf matter what i have to say isnt it??

[Elektra_]

last time we talked on the phone we argued, my cell run out of money and he said he didnt have money either (bulshit) and said "talk later". almost a month and i knew i wouldnt hear from him again so sent him a msg yest:

its a shame u act like this with someone that has affection for u, but i wasnt expecting anything else from u. i couldnt have more confirmation that all u wanted was sex and still dont get it why u stayed if i was SO CLEAR to u about it. did u think u would change my mind?? lol with so much lies and acting u not even gave us the chance to really know each other. i thought we could have something special but whatever. i thought with almost 29 u would want something meaningfull but guess i was wrong. good luck.

i wasnt expecting him to reply. i actually thought that would be the end of it. but this happened

i understand u. i think ur an awesome woman and i love talking to u. but im in a different momento of life than u and i dont want to hurt u, want the best for u and even to be with u, we could have dinner and talk about it better. what do u think? kiss

my reaction was WTF?????????? is he drunk?? he wouldnt talk to me again. not even said it to me when he was supposed to call me and now he wants DINNER??? for real? I DONT WANT TO HURT U? lololol u treat me like one of ur *****s and couldnt give a damn about me WHEN I WAS CLEAR ABOUT WHAT I WANTED and u want the best for me?? u have been LYING and MAKING A FOOL OUT OF ME!!!!

My reply was: uh?? u can only be ****ing with me!
and guess what? no reply. thats how much he thinks im awesome lololololol

my life couldnt be easier could it? im a ****ing idiot caz im still crying about it

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Elektra_

if the convos always ended up in him wanting sex... what should i assume? he wants to get to know me? even though i told him over and over that there would be no sex without a serious relationship. i sent him a msg saying there would be no more sex convo and he said nothing and after that he didnt msg me for 2 days!! im a supposed to not assume he wants to get to know me?? and not get pissed?

You are holding true to yourself. Sounds like you got your hopes up, and the guy turned out to be a total tool, for lack of a better word.



Doesn't matter so much where you met this one, typical of many, sad to say. Hang in there!!

I'd be p'o'd ,too!! He wasted your time. And then, didn't acknowledge your desire for getting to know one another enough to see if something serious could develop, instead brought it back to sex talk which in some ways is demeaning, it was disrespectful and you have every right to be angry!

[Elektra_]

hi. thanks EXACTLY he just wasted both of our time! and clearly he couldnt care less. his loss anyway. clearly he has bad character. ty

[mojo321]

Yes. Just remember, some people think that the way they think is the way everyone thinks.

When you make you views clear and he still doesn't get it, then there is a real incompatibility issue. It doesn't mean you are wrong or doing anything wrong.

Try not to get too invested into a relationship before you learn about these incompatible things about your future dates.

That, and he was a tool.

[Elektra_]

thanks yah hes a tool yet i miss him even though i know now all he said was lies. im gona die alone