[doctorwho737]

hey guys...recently I have been through a life change internally that is mostly positive but the situation I'm in and trying to be more positive has allowed new and very scary looks at old issues.

Essentially my girlfriend is in a bind and although we will eventually be together and I trust her and listen to her like no other woman (she is partially responsible for my positive changes), she has been forced to stay with her ex and the father of her two kids because she has no where else to go until we have money.

In her life she has been through the wringer a lot and she also has health issues that are worsened by stress.

After she started staying there, my mind has gone into overdrive and althugh I always know I had abandoment issues I never knew how many 'boxes I could tick' and how bad it was for my mental health.

*My Mom dies of MS when I was 18, but in my early life she worked six days and I only saw her on Sunday. Because of that, we were never close and never really formed a bond.

*Later, while she was sick and living in our family home, my dad left for two week with another woman and I was caught in the middle and was forced to do all of the household chores and take care of her during that period at around 12 or so.

*There was definite mental abuse by my father over a large number of years. I was called fat, lazy and stupid and even when I did something good it was ignored. There was also a possible instance of sexual abuse, which I remember from a partial memory and from a comment my father made recently when he was angry where he said: "Don't make me f you like I did when you were little." This convinces me of it but for mos of life I never talked about the memory (basically of him touching my genitals in his bed, where I often slept).

* Almost ever dog or cat I had as a kid and made my friends as I was an outcast was 'dumped'. I recall my favorite dog Sam being driven to another neighborhood and me being forced to let him out of the car. I recall him running behind it trying to catch up with us. This continued till almost the present day when I was forced to leave my birds in another state after my ex kicked me out and I lost a cat I loved for years and said I'd always protect, due to a court battle with my exes father of her kids. This cat and another we had in the house were left in my father's care who said they went 'to a farm' but I now his is lying. The last time I saw them a few Xmases ago they both ran to me when they seen me as if to know what was going on.

*All my exes are of course my exes, but besides those self fulfilling prophecy's, I was also cheated on numerous times by my first girlfriend and sexual partner at 16-18 at about the same period my mom was really sick and dying. My other girlfriends were also probably turned off and pushed away by this, but the one thing I recall most is how they said forever and although I am glad they are gone as it led me to my current girlfriend, this hurt every time as it was just a lie.

*i also found my grandma dead at like five or six years old, and she was my friend, not sure but that could be another 'ticked box.'

Many other bad things happened during these times and now with the current situation I am so afraid even though I trust her and her ex is trying to get her back and although she says she would never my abandonment issues have flared like never before, in a different way where I am aware of them but at times go off the deep end like now, where I called at non and texted after and so far notta).

I feel this girl is so special as I really do trust her not to cheat and I listen to her and take her advice.

Please guys can anyone help me? These feelings suck and I hate them so much and I'm so tired of all the pain and misfortune.

I have a good thing and I know it and I'm SO AFRAID of losing it and also afraid that my behavior will push the issue.

Since reading how hard being in a relationship with an abandonment afflicted person is I am also worried of putting more weight on her shoulders and that she will leave once she realizes how dire this mental issue is. In my heart of hearts I know she is nt that kind of person but still it goes on.

Her living with her ex is an abandonment afflicted person's nightmare and the fact that we communicate less and her situation means I also don't know when I'll see her again are like torture.

I have expressed my feelings on a few occasions and already feel that familiar sensation of someone not seeing the person they love but some *** who cannot control his emotions.

Late this morning while reading all this I came upon an article where they say that feelings of anger and sorrow are like being drunk. Once they are diffused, usually by me talking to her and having contact the feeling slip away for awhile, but as I keep saying her situation is hard enough on her and her health and I am afraid of adding any more weight ot her currently heavy mental load.

i really don't want to lose out on a relationship that has so much trust love and promise but I don't know what to do. Cannot afford psych help right now as I have to save money to get out of this situation but I am at a loss...help me please if you can...thank you!

[doctorwho737]

I just read my girlfriend this post and asked her if she could try. She agreed to come with me to counseling after we move out of state and that is good, but she also feels that I don't really know who Ia m till this is over and I do know who i really am, I've always known.

What also bugs me is when I asked her if she could help me and stand by me the answer was: "I'll try my best", which to my greedy mind is almost like a no or maybe. She also has trouble expressing her feelings about me to me and what I have read so far says that reassuring is an integral part of the healing process.

She has told me she loves me without saying it and has told me she cares about me a lot and last night after i got jealous as I heard her ex trying to joke/flirt with her, she knows it will be OK in time, it is me who does not know that. She also wants me to go with her and start this new life and that is wonderful but I do feel the waiting is killing me, esp with her living there. Every day since last week when she came there i expressed how much I hate it and she says i know you tell me that every day.

Her lack of expressing things (which is not her fault, as I said she has had her own share of some real hell) but that she is doubting who I really am after I'm through this and the "I'll try my best comment" have me worried. She also mentioned that this is why people should not be in a relationship until they are clear and that one too scares the hell out of me as in my mind it sounds like she is one foot out the door, even though I now how retarded that sounds.

Wow! You've got a heavy load on your shoulders. I think you should check out these forums here at PC. I see you've been a member since 2012 but haven't posted much. Post more and people will give you good advice. I think that if this is meant to be with this girl then fate will make sure it happens. If you really love her then you must want the very best for her and for her children. Take a long look at the entire situation and ask yourself if she's in the best place for herself and for her children. And can you provide for her and those children? As much as it might hurt to do so, you must search yourself for these truthful answers. It also sounds like you've got some stuff inside you that you need to sort through too. I wish you only the best. Take care!

[gayleggg]

You do have a lot of baggage to sort through. You have been through a lot and it's not surprising you have such abandoment issues. Cracking Slowly had some good advice about looking at things from a distance and being honest with yourself about the situtation.
Best Wishes
Gayle

[doctorwho737]

Thanks guys, I will deffo post more especially as believe it or not I am very good with others crap but not my own lol!

Had a talk with her said we needed a plan and that I lover her and it could be so good if we get through the BS. Told her I will do everything I can to face every fear in me and even if it ends I can't give up myself cause I'm tired and just want to be happy for once in 35 years.

Besides forums like this, does anyone on here know of a telephone or chat based free psych service?

[hamster-bamster]

not free, do not know about free, but there are intern-therapists who offer therapy over Skype at a deep discount.

[anneo59]

agree w all comments, and wish you the best. Can definitely relate to the abandonment issues, but know that trying to control when possible is optimum for a relationship. The very best to you! Also, there are articles and blogs here on PC that may help give you knowledge, strength, insight, etc. I know they have me! Good luck!