[boopei]

I've been in a great relationship with a wonderful guy for 2 years. He's had a lot of emotional scars left over from an abusive marriage, where, he was the one physically and emotionally abused.

The biggest issues are.. he's overcompensating for things, and is completely scatter brained due to the stress

I'm big on budgeting my money, he wasn't. He felt the need to control that, because of the years of having no control, so until he dealt with his demons (in that area, and he's going to therapy for that thankfully), I would try not to kick up a stink about that. He would even go as far as not letting me clean the house or anything, and trying to do it ALL himself, which is wearing him out.

So yesterday, things kind of went crazy, and I can't help but feel angry and hurt.

The last couple of weeks have been stressful. His ex has been causing a LOT of issues, he position at work was terminated (not him, just the position), and then he managed to get a new better job, which is amazing, but it's stressful since we're relying on my income until things get rolling with his new payroll. So that part isn't bad.

What is bad, is I have lingering trust issues. I've been working hard on them, but admittedly with him not opening up, and letting me in on the finances and some other things, it made me nervous, but he always made sure the bills were paid, until now.

We were both paid last Friday (his last pay of old job, which was $800 shy of what it should be), and my pay. Yesterday, it was all gone. All of it. He had my debit card, and although he was saying no worries, I have it all under control, don't worry babe.. it wasn't.

Our internet, phone and cable was shut off, because of a miscommunication between him and the provider. That stuff happens, it's irritating but it's ok. But what got me, he drained my account. He didn't buy anything for himself or anything like that, but he wasn't paying attention to what money he had. He had no idea until last night that his cheque was shorted that much, and he hadn't even realized/paid attention to the fact that he completely drained my account as well (groceries, eating out, medications, normal stuff).

I travel and hour to and from work every day, and now I don't have enough money for gas, and no money for a payment I need to make for the end of the month. We were up til 3am talking. He was really upset, and apologized profusely. I was more upset than I expected.. I was furious really, and very hurt.

I had been trying to work with him to help those control issues/manage his money but he always balked at it. Last night he finally asked me for help, help to manage his money and to help him be accountable. Finally! But with him not getting any money until mid August, and my next cheque being spoken for... I can't work from home to save gas money like I'm supposed to, and I don't have money for gas.

I feel so angry over this, even though a part of me understands, and I managed to talk very calmly with him regarding it last night, he knows I'm hurt, and it's going to take a few days for me to "deal with it".

He thanked me last night for all I've done for him and the kids just by being me, and said he's sorry, and that he feels like he may have jeopardized the relationship, but I'm hurt.. and feel betrayed. I've worked so hard to be completely open and accountable with everything I've done, and even though I know there was no malicious intent (not like he went on a shopping spree for himself)... it just makes me sad that things are going to be so much harder now in the next 4-6 weeks because of his poor decision when I work so hard to be organized and on top of money. The bright side of things, that REALLY crappy situation, snapped him out of his unwillingness to be open. He's almost being a bit too open with stuff today, but I figure after a while, he'll find balance.

Am I justified to feel a bit upset over this though? I suppose the fact I'm still sick with bronchitis after 3 months of doctors, and upset over him having to go away for work and not on vacation for the 2nd year in a row (last year was because of the ex)..doesn't help. Anyways thanks for reading!

[Perna]

I would not waste time fixing blame and being upset, I would try to fix the problem by putting safeguards in place so it cannot happen again.

If you have separate accounts, what was he doing with your debit card/your account? If he wants to pay the bills, etc. I would have three accounts, each of you have your own and then a joint account and each of you deposit or move X amount apiece of your money into the joint account as you both agree to. Your individual account would be used as your own spending money for lunches, gifts, personal care, etc. If you still only want two accounts, I would deposit my paychecks in my account and transfer money to his account.

My husband and I only have one account and our individual ATM cards access that account. My husband likes having a certain amount of cash in his wallet, when I want cash, I use his wallet for my ATM :-) such that the first year we did that, the bank did not renew my ATM card because I had not used it enough! I only ever complained because we were going out of town for a vacation and there could be times I'd be on my own and might need the ATM in the vacation location.

It does not matter "why" your husband wants/is doing what he is doing; if he is not any good at it, he doesn't get to do it!

[mojo321]

It does not matter "why" your husband wants/is doing what he is doing; if he is not any good at it, he doesn't get to do it!

That!

Although I do see a potential for trouble if he becomes reliant on you for all things financial. Maybe you can teach him your ways of doing things/tracking things/budgeting things, and then audit him every other week or so?

[Odee]

Definitely keep him off your card and out of your account; that is YOUR money. Agree as to how much each will contribute to bills (50/50, 60/40, etc) and if say you take care of the bills then he should pay his part to you, or you pay your part to him.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by boopei

but he always made sure the bills were paid, until now.

We were both paid last Friday (his last pay of old job, which was $800 shy of what it should be), and my pay. Yesterday, it was all gone. All of it. He had my debit card, and although he was saying no worries, I have it all under control, don't worry babe.. it wasn't.

Our internet, phone and cable was shut off, because of a miscommunication between him and the provider. That stuff happens, it's irritating but it's ok. But what got me, he drained my account. He didn't buy anything for himself or anything like that,
but I'm hurt.. and feel betrayed.

Am I justified to feel a bit upset over this though?

Are you justified, to be upset over this? Yes! I know, in my area, it takes being behind by two months, in order to lose electric, cable/satellite, and landline phones. cell phones, vary on provider. My provider, 3 days late, it's a shut off...hasn't happened, but I get the parameters of my billing cycles.

Why was his payroll shorted, $800? And also, I'd highly recommend, what's already been suggested, yours/mine/ours accounts. I grew up, feelings that what's yours is mine and what's mine is yours, however, I've seen, all too often, it just doesn't work out, quite the way other's would hope. Could be, my paycheck, your paycheck, household joint account and a savings for whatever account, as well. 4 accounts. Wouldn't share retirement accounts, and it gives a level of control to each person in the home. Just in case, in times like these, when the stress is getting to the person in charge, the other person isn't left without a cushion to fall on, and gas in the car.

[boopei]

Thanks everyone!

He asked for help, so I'm just taking care of my own personal bills for now (I have the debit card, he doesn't want it again - he only had it, because I didn't trust myself to not use it recently.. but that backfired lol!)

We had switched accounts with our internet provider, and there was a BIG mixup (they didn't cancel his account, but added it to mine, even tho we're in the same house).. but, he's on it, fixing that up and keeping on top of it.

I see a huge difference in him since last week, he's been way more open, maybe it was one of those things, that he had to "break" to get out of the old pattern, no matter what the reason he was in it.

Mistakes made on both sides, but nothing that can't be worked on and remedied with some cooperation and communication. He's finally getting that concept after trying to hard to be Superman, and failing. But we all have to fail to learn, and improve

He started a new job that's going to bring in triple what I make, so once we get through this rough patch between pay periods, I think we'll be ok. Until then.. where's the wine!