[Nobodyandnothing]

Maybe someone has been through this and can give some advice.

My daughter will be getting married next year. She will be 26 and she wants a big wedding (disagreement 1). She and her fiance also just made an offer on a house which the buyer accepted and they are awaiting final bank approval (disagreement 2). She is employed and her job seems safe. Fiance is employed but seeking a better job or he will go back to grad school.

My H and I (but mostly me) have told her that we will contribute a small amount for the wedding but probably less than 20% of the total cost. I am also buying her wedding dress. She keeps bringing up how much the wedding will cost but we haven't budged. Did I mention we also helped with college costs?

She just mentioned today that they cannot afford the payments on the house on her salary alone. We have suggested that they wait on the house.

I have not harped but I cannot believe she is acting so dumb and spoiled (we have 5 children and she is the oldest). WE did not raise her like this. I feel badly because we are not doing more. We probably could do a little more but we think they could spend less on the wedding and the house. Her fiance will not say no to her.

I am afraid these disagreements will hurt our relationship. Daddy can say no without her getting mad, but I am the one she seems to take everything out on.

I guess I just wanted to vent. Sorry. In view of everyone else's problems but the anxiety on top of my depression has put me in a tailspin.

[unaluna]

Are they going for any kind of pre-marital counseling? I think like the Catholic Church requires it now. But it really sounds like they need to talk to a financial planner. Anybody else in the family an accountant or somthing who you could bring in to talk with them?

[hamster-bamster]

ELOPE!

ELOPE!

ELOPE!

I mean - you have 4 more children. She cannot do that to you. She is 25 and is the eldest. I assume that you did not have a baby each year but spaced your babies, so you must have some still living with you. And those still living with you must then be put through college, right?..

No comment. The word is "elope".

[Webgoji]

Hamster-Bamster is dead right. They should totally elope.

Weddings are stressful, time consuming and getting to be extremely expensive. It seems like all the time someone is talking about how their wedding flopped or whatnot. A wedding is a ceremony it isn't the marriage.

On the other hand ... unless someone gets eaten by a rogue mutant manatee, the honeymoon (see, I'm winking *wink, wink*) is fun and relaxing. They should spend their money on a nice honeymoon (not something extravagant like hiking in the Himalayas, but something nice). They will enjoy it, save the hassle and a ton of money and be just as married.

As for the house, there's plenty of predatory lending. The banks want to loan everyone waaaay more than they can actually pay. The higher the loan, the more they make. The agent is the same way, the more expensive the house, the more money they make. Neither is in the business of making sure a new couple has a comfortable life and will try to talk them into anything. I know she's smarter than that, don't let her fall for what the banks and agents are trying to sell them.

Good luck, it's a rough time for a parent.

[Arwen_78]

Big weddings are just a BIG headache! I went to Las Vegas to get married the first time and now I'm going to just get married on a beach just him and me.

They can find nice wedding packages without having to be a lot of cash. Plus, they can have the important people along for the ride. Why have a big wedding why not just have a nice party later for relatives.

[Nobodyandnothing]

You all are great. Thank you. Sorry to bother you all with this stupid post.

Wedding aside, I think you're being totally rational and a good parent. You can't be expected to pay for everything, and nor should you take on someone else's debt with the house. You're also going to help her in the long run be better with money and budgeting! If she continues to moan at you for not helping more with money, just start letting it wash over you. Just laugh, or walk away when she starts. She may get the message?

And on a lighter note, Hamster says elope.. If your daughter won't do it, how about you?! Grins.

[eskielover]

One can have a nice wedding on a given budget.....your daughter needs to learn how to be responsible & how to budget money & stay within that budget given the limitation of what money is available.

My stbxh was just like your daughter & I finally left him because if his financial irresponsibility. They way that financial infidelity is just as bad on a marriage as sexual infidelity......& she's on the same road as my H was....wanting to spend more than they have & H not willing to say NO. He needs to become the leader of the family & they need to WORK TOGETHER for the financial good of their new family they are planning on building together.

I suggest David Ramsey's Financial Peace course.......there are some things that I don't agree with him, but most I do & even before I heard about his methods of getting out of debt, it was what I used given my common sense & my accounting degree I got at the univ.

I don't think my H's parents ever taught him anything about being responsible & it was a sure thing it wasn't something he ever learned on his own.....nor would he learn it from me when I went through the whole process with him of cleaning up our debt because when it came down him again after I my major depression hit....it was obvious that he hadn't learned a thing.....& even today at 60 & after I've left him 6 years ago, he's still being a complete financial idiot & his parents finally cut him off.

They not only need good pre-marital counceling so he can learn to say NO when he needs to & so they can learn to work together & they both need to learn how to have the same financial goals.....or there's really no need to bother getting married because they will only end up divorced......& I wouldn't give them a cent toward a wedding unless those criteria are met,,,,,1)pre-marital councelling 2)financial training on how to handle a household budget, savings & responsible spending.....& NO CREDIT!!!!!