Why is he still doing this, do I respond?

I dated this guy on and off for 6 weeks. Sounds short and it is, but it was very emotionally, whirl wind packed 6 weeks. We are both mid-late 20 adults and met online.

In may we dated for 2 weeks, and it was mostly a physical relationship which I wasn't comfortable with, I told him this... I said I wanted a gf/bf relationship and he didn't.. He said he wasn't happy where he was in his business ( works for himself) and was still hurt from past relationships. He also said he doesn't like to be single/alone when I asked and is one of those people that always "needs a relationship".

We didn't speak for about a month (but he kept commenting about my fb status or any new pics I added to my dating website). He called me one night and against my better judgement I said yes and we started dating again. This time he was VERY mean to me. Rude, patronizing comments (not all the time, but enough of the time to really upset me). Saying things like "oh did that make you feel like you mattered/were significant" patronizing like, "are you going to be good? do you need to go home" " if you're going to act like a *****, I think you should leave". Calling me at 8AM on a saturday to watch him try on clothes... and then getting mad , "I'm mad you made me eat breakfast". Really odd behaviors, lots of contradicting. When we met up one night, I was coming from an appointment and he knew i was going to be late. When I got there he said "where have you been for the last 15 minutes? I'm frustrated that you're late, now we don't have a table! you make me grumpy" He would also blame me for his not showering or not getting work done because he was "talking to me" ( we were talking online while I was at work, maybe for an hour tops when the time was put together.

Needless to say I broke up with him a 2nd time. He told me "well it's not like we were official anyways" then goes on to say, I didn't see long term relationship potential with you which is why I kept things physical and then was rude, that was my self defense mechanism. Then he texts me a picture of him looking said and a picture of his D*** with the caption "sad peen".... We texted briefly the next day where apologized again via text. I told him thanks, but we we weren't right for each other in multiple ways and I don't think it's healthy for us to speak now. I really wish you the best in your business and relationships.

We sent a few more bland texts and then I blocked his number ( didn't trust myself not to respond). He realized this can sent me an email "calling restrictions" and linked me to the song "Blurred lines" followed by "F*** You" by Ce lo when he found out. I did not respond. Then he sent me an email a week later saying he saw me walking past a store but didn't stop me bc I had my headphones in and didn't want to bother me. I did not respond.

He emails me at 3:30am today:

I signed in to Match.com to sign up and who's there, front and center the first picture I see when I sign up other than you. I didn't actually end up signing up, but you look gorgeous.

Why are we not dating again? I miss hanging out with you, doing fun things and cooking you special picnic dinners. Third time's a charm?

I nearly told you I loved you. Nearly. I miss you and I think about you almost daily.

I haven't responded.... Why is he doing this??? He was so mean to me and I hated how he spoke to me. He told me he didn't see "long term potential". I just WISH he would change but I don't think he will... I'm afraid if I answer it will be a whole pandora's box situation where I will get dragged back in, only to wind up more hurt.

Don't let yourself get dragged back in. You should take pride in the fact that you recognized the issues early enough and took steps to sever ties. I know it's difficult when you feel like you don't want to let go completely for whatever motivation but don't bother responding. You can move on to someone who is a better match and real boyfriend material. Stay strong.

What a fine catch he will make lmfao

don't respond, he is not changed

You are right. Don't respond. Just don't. Block him in every way possible in terms of communication. It's his own issue from his past relationships, not yours. It's none of your business, and you shouldn't be dragged into it. you have your own life, girl! Live it happily, and don't spend it thinking about problems that should be HIS and HIS only to handle. Good luck.

Personally, I think this man has abusive tendencies. The mean comments he made to you and other responses, which you remember many of them quite clearly, is not the behavior of a man that adores you and wants to impress you. Even if he was upset or having a bad day, this kind of conduct is simply unacceptable. You deserve to be treated better than that at all times. Everyone deserves that in fact. Apparently, he is comfortable with focusing his negative emotions towards you in a cruel way. I find that to be a dangerous trend especially since the relationship is still relatively new.

When he expressed to you that he only wants a physical relationship initially and always "needs a relationship", that is not very flattering towards you. It comes off to me that he wants to use you for his own needs and that is his primary concern. Again, that is simply demeaning.

The last message to you seems manipulative to me. He has tuned in to what you are looking for and will lure you in again with compliments and promises that he wants to give you what you seek. I believe there is a strong likelihood that he will revert back to his abusive ways once he has won you back. My opinion is that his actions thus far hint at an abusive nature. You can either ignore him completely or make it clear to him that you want him to leave you alone and warn him you will take the necessary steps to enforce that if he does not comply - the choice is yours. I agree with you that he will not change - at least not until he recognizes his harmful behaviors and takes steps to correct them. There are way too many red flags here in my opinion. A decent man would not do these kinds of things.

You get to win the Nobel prize as the most patient girlfriend on the planet, when such a prize gets established.

Seriously - he is self-centered to the point of being funny. Do all it takes to block him from contacting you, and threaten him with a restraining order for a good measure (to get him in touch with reality a bit - calling you at 8AM on a Sat to watch him try on clothes tells us that he does not have a particularly firm grip on reality).

And am I the only one getting a weird stalker vibe from him???Gawd, girl, block him, and don't look back. ...oh, and not much of a positive advert for match.com, either, I must say lol

Why do you let him treat you like that? All the red flaggs should be flying up in your head, get away your in the path of a freight train!!!!!!!!

From what you wrote, I don't see what the dilemma is. You have not mentioned anything remotely good about him, so why would you be even considering keeping in contact? Are there great things about him that you are just not telling us? If not, then I can't see any reason to do anything other than completely ignore him from now until forever.

Sent you a most wonderfully, buttering up, email at 330AM? I can see why he'd do that.

Wishing someone can change who they are, won't make it happen.

Thanks everyone for your responses!

Here are the good things I left out since someone asked:

1) He was very good with communication in the sense of calling,gchat, texting,inviting me over which I really appreciated.
2) He loved to cook and made me some really nice dinners (even with chicken because I love it. He did this even though he's mostly a vegetarian/doesn't like meat in the house).
3) Calling me sweetie, pretty girl, and all the nick names me made up for me (sounds simple/dumb but my bf before was a rather stiff/reserved and didn't have any sweet names for me. So this was a welcome change)
4) Offered to read over/edit my essays for scholarships I was applying to. Offered suggestions for my class website when I asked him to since he is into web design.
5) Holding my hand on walks, just general cuddling/closeness. He was VERY attracted to me and it was nice to me fawned over... but it was perhaps a little weird/too much at times when he told me to hold/do certain positions so he could just *look* and asked if I liked to be objectified (no, i don't).
6) Invited me to dinner at his sister's and brother in law's house. Introduced me to his best female friend. (This all happened maybe on our 3 and 4th date) It seemed a little soon to me... esp the family part but the people I met seemed really nice and down to earth. So a part of me figured if his family and friends are so nice/normal seeming.. shouldn't he be? why haven't they "rejected" him?

So this was supposed to be my positive list. After writing it, I see how some things are kind of borderline...

I just have this weird fear of not not being able to find someone else to date long term and eventually marry I just hope i didn't pass up "the one' or a "good one" with him.... yes, I know it sounds crazy but that's what part of me thinks.

My grad program is mostly women and it's never really a great idea to get involved with people at work... I have online dating sites but I feel those are always hit or miss. ( I had one good 1.5 year relationship off that and then this guy that I'm writing about now)

I think you answered yourself, you said he was someone who had to be in a relationship and, that being said, you are probably the only woman he has gotten to put up with his bad behavior? You give him what he wants when you are with him, you put up with him.

What do you want? Do you want someone to hang out with that otherwise is a nasty companion or do you want to look further and find out someone enjoyable to try a relationship with?

bullet by bullet:

1) He was very good with communication in the sense of calling,gchat, texting,inviting me over which I really appreciated. - based on his calling on a Sat morning, he overdid communication, so now, he was not very good with communication, because being very good with communication involves both being prompt in returning incoming traffic (calls, emails etc) and not calling during inappropriate times. That he sent an email at 3:30 AM is OK, per se, because emails are quiet upon their arrival (or can be made quiet) while phone calls are disturbing. You need a guy who can walk this tight rope fine - communicating enough but not too much.

2) He loved to cook and made me some really nice dinners (even with chicken because I love it. He did this even though he's mostly a vegetarian/doesn't like meat in the house). that was really good of him, considering his own dislike of meat/poultry

3) Calling me sweetie, pretty girl, and all the nick names me made up for me (sounds simple/dumb but my bf before was a rather stiff/reserved and didn't have any sweet names for me. So this was a welcome change)

sweetie and pretty girl are not nick names made up specifically for you, but general, garden variety terms of endearment. They are very common and people react to them differently (I personally despise any terms of endearment that involve references to sweet stuff - honey, sweetie pie, etc.). Your reaction means that you like terms of endearment that involve references to sweetness, but trust me, they are very easy to come by - one of my former colleagues was "sugar" to her husband - I would, personally, gag if called "sugar", but she, apparently, liked it - my point is that such terms of endearment are very common, so, chances are, your next boyfriend would use them.

4) Offered to read over/edit my essays for scholarships I was applying to. Offered suggestions for my class website when I asked him to since he is into web design.

Nice, but you can get such services performed professionally, without spending much money.

5) Holding my hand on walks, just general cuddling/closeness. He was VERY attracted to me and it was nice to me fawned over... but it was perhaps a little weird/too much at times when he told me to hold/do certain positions so he could just *look* and asked if I liked to be objectified (no, i don't).


In general, artists who want their models to hold/do certain positions have to pay said models. Since he provided free editing/web design services to you, you can say that you reciprocated the favor by holding certain positions so he could just look.

I am not sure what it means to be objectified, but since you clearly do know what it means, and, you have asserted your right not to be objectified, whatever it means, you and he were communicating fine.

The propensity to holding hands and general cuddling might very well go hand-in-hand (no pun intended) with the propensity to use terms of endearment, especially those with references to sweet stuff, so, it should not be very hard to find another guy who'd like that.

6) Invited me to dinner at his sister's and brother in law's house. Introduced me to his best female friend. (This all happened maybe on our 3 and 4th date) It seemed a little soon to me... esp the family part but the people I met seemed really nice and down to earth. So a part of me figured if his family and friends are so nice/normal seeming.. shouldn't he be? why haven't they "rejected" him?


You are reading too much into this. Plus, people might have been on their best behavior during the dinner. There might be some undercurrents not visible to the naked eye during a one time encounter. Further, if they are nice, normal-seeming, down-to-earth folks, why would you expect him to "reject" him - for what? For calling you at 8AM on a Sat morning? Imagine yourself having a grown-up son - would you "reject" him over something like this? Is it, in general, a good idea to "reject" one's relatives?

A person can have good qualities and still be a total creep. The way he talks to you and treats you will not change. If you were to continue with this guy, he would end up changing you in very destructive ways. I beg you to pay attention to what your gut is telling you! You are worried you won't find someone else, but trust me, being with this man would be a much worse fate than being alone!

Always be wary of people who are controlling. It doesn't sound like he wants you back per say, it sounds more that he wants someone around to boss around and he probably doesn't like the fact that YOU ended things. Like a previous poster suggested, block him in every way you possibly can and if he's still hanging around get a restraining order.

!!!!!!!!!!!

Staying in a relationship, that produces an ounce of questioning whether it's right, due to fear of passing up 'the one' or a 'good one' sounds, like it may be time to sit back a take a solid look at why you'd stay with a man, that leaves you feeling the way that you do, with this one.

Now, I do have a question, 'with him', in the underlined sentence of passing up the one or a good one, is it, you are wondering if he's that guy, or that by staying with him, and exerting all this energy on him, that you'd pass up the opportunity to leave yourself available to the future Mr. You?

the guy just LOVES the chase...when he's chasing and pursuing you, you are the most interesting and intriguing woman in the world to me, and the second the chase ends and he gets you back, he loses interest...if you truly want him to desire you and NOONE else, make him SWEAT...make winning you as his woman, the hardest job for him...not easy as pie...also, if you're friends with him on facebook, post lots and lots of pictures of you on dates hanging out with OTHER men and having a PHENOMENAL time...worked for Dutchess Kate who married Prince William didn't it...Prince William dumped her,...did she sit at home, nope, she went out clubbing and dancing with her girlfriends and was photographed dancing with other guys and all the mags in England posted caps under the photos with the quote "Will Who?"...needless to say, it drove Prince William crazy jealous and there months later HE PUT A RING ON IT!...so I say post post post away on facebook, let him see that YOU are not sweating him, nor his match.com profile if he has one, let him see that you have DECREASED his importance in your life, and that you are enjoying your time with other attractive men, trust me he will be filled with jealousy and blowing up your phone worse than now.. take care, be blessed

good idea, bluegirl, and, the OP can have fun in the process and does not have to marry him at the end of the day if she does not want to!
unless the guy is Will's younger brother, of course

I'm afraid you are asking the wrong question: how could we ever know his 'why'?
We could never know that and you could never know that too.

But asking yourself why is a good way to be still entangled in this situation, without getting out.

May I change your question into: is this relationship safe and good for me?
This is what should keep you busy, not his problems.

Sorry if I sounded a bit harsh, but that is what these people do to us: they put themselves and their lives in close up, meaning that they are the only important part in the couple. And little by little we may be induced to think so too.
So please don't think about his problems and his reasons.

Is this relationship safe and good for you?

I dont recommend trying to make him jealous on social media networks. Things like this will only keep you from moving on and will ultimately lead to disappointment. Block him on facebook so you dont end up checking his profile. Ask him politely to stop contacting you. If he doesnt respect your wishes block him so you can start your healing process. Contact from either side will only delay your healing.

Something tells me that this is bigger than just him. If you are even contemplating making him jealous, then you need to self-analyze: what is making YOU want to do that? What do YOU get out of it? How effective would that be for YOU?

There are plenty of fish in the sea. Stay hopeful.