Intimacy Issues with My Wife

casurfer · Sep 06, 2013, 09:53 PM

OK FYI, I had a big conversation with my wife about all of this last weekend.... she does not want to do "therapy" right now because she doesn't want to think something is wrong with her.

I said OK I'm not going to make someone go see a counselor if she doesn't want to. I've been focusing on just doing stuff together, really making a huge effort to make sure she knows that I'm connected with her as best friends like we always have been.

She did say we could be together more, although I don't really think she knows where I am coming from yet. My therapist basically told me to back way off and see what she does now that we had the difficult conversation.... so that's what I plan to do.

We haven't had sex for the past week, but we did play around so to speak with some manual intervention for both of us.

So what troubles me about all of this is she does like sex, it's just hard to get her to that point....

I'll give some updates later on...

healingme4me · Sep 06, 2013, 10:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by casurfer

Odee, Thanks for the advice, for me that's not really on the table for me at all right now. I want to be closer to my wife, we've been best friends for more than half of our lives. I think the most time we've even been apart is 2 weeks in that entire time. I guess I'm really trying to break through the barrier she puts up, and learn how to not take it personally when she has the barrier up. What I need to figure out though is how to get through all of it with her. What I never did understand is why it's such a big deal... I mean if we have the free time, then why not be together, and when we don't why not show that you're interested in each other? It's so frustrating to be the one always showing and then not having that reciprocated.

What about a couples retreat? I believe I've heard of such things, that help rekindle or rebuild intimacy? With a trained specialist, instead of a weekly talk therapist involved?

Maybe, then you could both learn to express your needs and wants in a setting that is designed to help couples like yourself?

Ladyzero · 11:46 PM

How I agree with the poster that mentioned this guy, loves his WIFE, and is proactive in improving his relationship, thus his and her needs are met, in every way.
H.B. I usually find your advice helpful and agree with your thinking. Today, I can't dissagree more strongly. Your advice outraged me ! No offence intended, but you are way off goal.
The poster wants his WIFE. The one he made VOWS to. The Mother of his children. Not a quick fix , Open relationship, Sh*g, to fulfil a sexual release. Good God woman, what are you thinking ? I applaud the original poster, because, it's f.ing easy, to have a one night stand, an emotional affair, a sexual affair. That's not want he wants ! Thankfully, there are men still, that love their wives, accept problems exist but in spite of them, they HONOUR their VOWS, whilst still WORKING towards resolving problems exist. Why tear a house down, because the roof leaks ? Why ? Is it that worthless, hey, I'll just get another one !

This isn't a personal attack H.B. I Just wonder what made you off goal.

I commend the poster highly, and agree separate private counselling would give your Wife, a free speech, to open up, to a problem ,she knows is behind her lack of intamcy and letting that wall down. To open up, to a complete stranger would take time, but may feel like a huge release to her. A weight off her shoulders, who knows ?

My suggestion. Have you thought, writing your Wife, a heartfelt love letter ? Why not, tell it, like it is ? That wouldn't make you weak and begging, simply talking, plain facts. Showing you're striving towards mutual happiness. She knows there's a problem. She's not happy either, really, but at this point choosing to bury it. That won't work. A letter, especially, a love letter can be read, absorbed slowly, and re-read. As long as it's not an attack, or blaming. It's understanding, supportive, and loving.
With love, and work, on both sides, you'll get there ! X

Ladyzero · Sep 07, 2013, 12:25 AM

My reply is to casurfer's original thread. Which seems to have got a bit entwined with another. I didn't mean to ignore the other post or replies. I just took so long writing, I'd missed loads of posts. My input, therefore was replying quite earlier, so I have obviously, re-reading now, missed info, and replies.

Keep working Casurfer, towards that 'middle'. Your Wife, I'm sure, wants to be happy too. She just has to be ready to accept, be honest and grow. 'From this day forward.... In sickness and health'

I repeat. Love letter !
Looking forward to updates.

nicoleflynn · Sep 07, 2013, 05:49 AM

Of course finding another woman is not the answer...that would destroy what you have. It is good that you are in counseling, but your wife (as you know) has issues she doesn't want to deal with. Perhaps if you approached it by saying....would you consider going to counseling (just one appointment), and if you don't feel you can go again, I will accept it, but at least give it a try....if there is a possibility it can help....it certainly is worth making our marriage better. Let her know that therapists don't tell you what is "wrong" with you---they ask good questions. That is her fear that she will be made out to be....wrong and no one wants to be put in that position. Meeting with a therapist might seem too overwhelming for here, etc...a lot of therapists will have a phone session or even Skype....that is another option.

Trippin2.0 · Sep 07, 2013, 06:11 AM

Why not broach couples counselling as a way to heal your marriage as opposed to fixing your "broken" wife?

Maybe she'll be more open to it if you spin it that way. Its not as if you can go to counselling solo to strengthen your marriage anyway.

healingme4me · Sep 07, 2013, 09:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Why not broach couples counselling as a way to heal your marriage as opposed to fixing your "broken" wife?

Maybe she'll be more open to it if you spin it that way. Its not as if you can go to counselling solo to strengthen your marriage anyway.

There's so much out there, too. There are books, like 'The Power of Two', 'The Five Love Languages', there's IMAGO therapy for couples and I'm going to post a couple intimacy retreats....(can't speak to their successes, never been to one, but I've known they were out there)

About Us
Irwin Silvina A, Psychologists, Pasadena, CA 91101 - programcalendar
Day One: Deepening Friendship Intimacy: Couples Retreats: Relationships Marriage: Gottman
Imago

I'm sure there's many more.

12:20 AM

Ca, I have noticed something you have brought up quite a bit - reoccurring statement - that stuck with me and how it relates to the intimacy (or lack thereof) with your W.

Since looks seem to be so important to you....I have had meaningful, respectful relationships with professional athletes, first responders, celebrities, politicos and men that are at the top of their profession. In fact, I had a relationship with one of the sexiest men alive lol (literally). They all were in good shape and took care of themselves as you keep mentioning about yourself. They also were doing their best and considered themselves pretty great, giving guys (like you, as well) And they were (I wouldnt have been with them if they werent).

But I didnt spend almost 10 years with the man I did (my best friend and love) simply because he was in good shape and took care of himself: therefore, me wanting or feeling obligated to service him 3 hours/week.

And my gosh, if he EVER said/wrote/uttered/thought that with respect to me, I would probably want to slap his face for being so incredibly disrespectful and selfish.

That said, he and I were on the same page in the areas that mattered to us. From the beginning. We didnt have any major deficits going in. Our relationship only grew stronger, the passion, with time. Our bond was very strong.

If we were lacking in one of the core areas, though (like difference in sex drive/intimacy) I doubt very much we would have been together.

If over time, later on, past the 10 year mark, if situations came up, we would have addressed them. We always did...so I have no reason to think that wouldnt continue.

You have been missing that core element since the beginning.

My/our relationship had nothing to do, either with the fact that he was a super hot and maintained that ...That part is what he did for a living....NOT who he was as a MAN.

Please let the whole " I work out and take care of myself" thing go. (Unless your W is really shallow). It is ... how do I put this ... not helpful for your case at all.

Rose

casurfer · Sep 10, 2013, 06:44 PM

Thanks for the suggestions above.... I've thought about couples therapy... I think that is a good idea.

Rose, my wife isn't only with me because I take care of myself... I was stating those facts so people would understand that the lack of intimacy isn't caused by appearance issues.

We are not that superficial....

I think the issue is that I feel like I'm putting effort into the relationship at many levels, (as is she).... but at the end of the day, I feel like she doesn't put as much or enough effort into connecting with me on an intimate level.

I understand that everyone's level is different.... I may have slightly higher needs here than some, but I'm not way off the charts. I feel like she has much lower needs in this way (she has admitted to it too)....

The thing is, I really can't do much other than continuing to find ways to make this connection stronger on my own, or hope that she comes around eventually.

Right now she doesn't want to see a therapist because she doesn't want to feel like something is wrong with her.... she is a very strong willed person (I normally like that about her)... but sometimes it's just really frustrating!

LostNAngry · Sep 10, 2013, 08:41 PM

I just wanted to wish you the best of luck. I am sorry I don't have any good advice for you because I am having some issues with sex in my marriage. I hope everything works out the best for you and try to take it a day at a time. You have gotten a lot of great responses from others though I hope you use some of their wisdom.

Dallas10 · Sep 10, 2013, 09:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by casurfer

Ok, this is not an easy thing to explain here.... but I'll try.

I have been married for 15 years and together with my wife for 20. We met young at 19, and we've been for the most part best friends the whole time. I really love her a lot, and I believe she loves me too. Most of the time we get along, we have similar values, no money issues or job issues.

So from the beginning there were issues with intimacy.... she doesn't let her guard down. Over time it has improved, but not nearly as much as I'd like. I'm always complimenting her, get flowers, do laundry and chores, give her space to work out.... and for the most part she also gives me space.

My issue though is that when it comes to being intimate, I feel like there is a wall to get through. She doesn't really like to kiss much, and she has a set routine that she requires for us to be physical together. It's hard for me to initiate sex with her, often times she'll give off a fairly negative body language if it's not when she wants. Again, it is better now than when we were young, but it is extremely frustrating for me. We've had fights over the years about this.... she says she feels like its never good enough, and I feel like she's not putting an effort into the relationship. I'm not asking her to initiate, I just want her to not immediately go to the "no" position. In the end I chalk it up to a control issue, and an inability for her to admit that she needs me. I feel like I'm putting my heart out there... but when I get rejected it really hurts my feelings. Again, I'm not asking to get together every day or something like that... I just want to feel like we could get together and she'd be open to it.

Now that I'm getting older, I have quite a bit of anxiety over this.... I'm still in good shape... I get looks from other women if I go out with the guys etc.... but I feel like my wife isn't attracted to me.

She says she is, but that she doesn't show it, or can't for some reason. In the past she said it wasn't me when I asked if she was into someone else or whatever... but I wonder if she was just saying that to not hurt my feelings.

I really want to be married to her, I'm very much attracted to my wife, and we have a great family... but at the same time I don't want to go around feeling like I'm missing intimacy with her....

I'm seeing counseling, and we were together for a while, but she doesn't want to go to the counselor. She said she doesn't want someone to tell her that something is wrong with her.

Does anyone else have issues like this with their spouse?

I can honestly say, I am going through the identical situation you are. Including my feelings and my needs. I'm afraid one day either myself or my wife will be in a situation with someone else and without our intimacy it can be a deadly recipe. I love my wife more than I have ever loved anyone before. We've been together for 11 years, married 7. I am in good shape and I personally don't think it is me but that really doesn't matter. What matters is what she believes. She does battle with stress and anxiety, but who doesn't. We have two children together, 5 and 2. I don't see how thi can all of a sudden get better.

Dallas10 · Sep 11, 2013, 10:32 AM

Hey Surfer, you are not alone! I am married 7 years together for 11 and we have an almost identical situation. I am workin now but let me know if you have any questions as I will do the same. Stay confident! I'll talk to you later bro!

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