Ok, this goes back forever but it ended so badly and this is a relationship I would like to have better closure on, even if he chooses not to talk to me, that's ok...it's worth it to me to try.

We dated on and off for over 14 years. One of our biggest issues was that he was extremely extroverted and I was not...we never seemed to be able to come to some understanding of how to compromise on this. I got dragged to a lot of parties around a lot of people I never knew for years.

Also he is textbook narcissitic personality disorder...I got scolded one time on vacation while we were getting ready to go out for trying to dry my hair and he was not done with the mirror yet (my Ts love that story). Anyway, there are lots more examples and several conversations with 3 different Ts about him, so I feel very comfortable diagnosing him as such...obviously I know him really well. I also think he knows something is wrong with him but he doesn't know what...he always has to have people around him and can NEVER be alone; it sometimes seemed very uncomfortable to be him.

He hurt me a great deal over the time we spent together, although we had a lot of good times, too. I was always the one to end things with him and then the one to initiate contact with him to start seeing him again, usually when whatever dating relationship I was in failed, or even when my marriage did. I know at some points when things were good, and they COULD be, I truly loved him. It has always been extremely hard to let go of him as we have had some of the best times ever and we have wonderful chemistry.

Ok, down to the point...in Oct. 2010 we were dating, but it wasn't going well, and I knew it was going to end yet again. My therapy wasn't going well either, and my T terminated with me out of nowhere based on a very complicated combination of transference and countertransference feelings. I was very open with my now ex as I was devastated when it occurred...but I think all he heard was that I had feelings for another guy who also had feelings for me, and how INAPPROPRIATE this was on my ex-T's part (although my ex-T never did anything inappropriate with me, ever...and was also getting consultation re: his feelings for me). My ex totally assumed my now ex-T and I were having sex which could not be further from the truth. I was hurt at the time that he would think I would do that at all and also to him.

Now, 3 years later, I just heard he was retelling the story about me and my ex-T to one of his friends like it just happened yesterday (yeah this is a little annoying, since I assume he told ALL his friends...but his friend told me he still sounds hurt) and was saying he hoped I was doing okay, etc. I feel after the respect we always showed each other even when not together (it was easier then, of course), that we should meet and have a discussion about how this ended; I think we both can do better, and I feel like I would like the ending to be better for BOTH of us, since he still seems upset as well.

My T agrees its not too late to perhaps "fix" this if I want to and have better closure. I realize my ex may totally not wish to talk to me and that's a chance I am willing to take. I know email is more impersonal, but a phone call would put him on the spot. I was thinking I should email him my intentions for us to communicate re: the situation and hopefully put the whole thing to rest, since we both deserve that after so long spent together. I was going to ask him to meet me for lunch on a Sat. or Sun. After that I don't expect further contact at all...I just feel unsettled and would like to look back on this knowing he has a clear understanding of the situation. (And that my ex-T and I never, ever slept together, or even touched; this is insulting to both me, my ex-T...who had a lot of grace and loads of boundaries...and my therapy. )

Thoughts? Thanks!

(P.S. Besides a brief recent dating experience for about 2 months, I have not seen anyone at all since he and I stopped dating in 2010. So I am not afraid at all to be alone. Plus my depression and anxiety make it too hard to see someone, part of what I learned recently with the dating...)

[kirby777]

Lost Key-

To me closure is very important, but others may disagree. SInce you know ex the best, do you think he would agree to a face to face meeting? I think it is very generous of you to want to set the record straight. I wish my exes would.

DO you think he would respond to a text or answer the phone?

[Hong Kong Fluey]

I agree with kirby.

I think closure is important and i think you need to do this, whether is goes to plan or happens at all is another thing so I think it would be a good idea to have a 'plan B' as I think there is an element of you wanting to explain yourself to get that closure so you need a strategy to deal with it if he doesn't want to or doesn't accept your explanation.

Good luck cheekychops
Fluey x

[unaluna]

Wow. I don't think he can handle the truth. I mean, he probably knows he is exaggerating the story about your ex-t and really doesnt care as long as it gets him the attention he wants, either from whoever he's telling these stories to, or you. I can understand you wanting closure - ie him agreeing to the true story - but I dont think thats likely to happen. He might just be trying to suck you in again to get his narcissistic supplies. If he started spreading the story where he realized and admitted he was wrong and being a butt and called you and wanted to apologize, even then I would be wary, but at least it would be on the right side. Not same sh-it, different decade.

Originally Posted by hankster

Wow. I don't think he can handle the truth. I mean, he probably knows he is exaggerating the story about your ex-t and really doesnt care as long as it gets him the attention he wants, either from whoever he's telling these stories to, or you. I can understand you wanting closure - ie him agreeing to the true story - but I dont think thats likely to happen. He might just be trying to suck you in again to get his narcissistic supplies. If he started spreading the story where he realized and admitted he was wrong and being a butt and called you and wanted to apologize, even then I would be wary, but at least it would be on the right side. Not same sh-it, different decade.

Thank you for your response. I don't know if he could handle the truth, either...I forgot to add that one of his best friends is a LCSW, sigh, so as soon as he vented to her, she started talking about every which way my T was allegedly in the wrong (knowing zero real facts about it). (I am just glad they didn't ever know his name; plus he's a PhD...but I don't trust they would have left it alone...and then I think I would have lost it had she/they tried to pursue something further.)

But she totally egged him on by supporting his view without knowing all the facts. I realize people do this all the time when they have a good friend and don't know the other person much (I mean, I had met her several times)...but her degree/position set him up so he was sure his position and side of the story WAS correct. Plus if you or anyone else knows much about narcissism, this situation/story he decided was true was a total narcissistic injury for him, which is obvious as I am hearing his version is being retold 3 years later. Although now supposedly he doesn't sound angry, just hurt. But it is still the attention seeking behavior that he needs. I don't know if he realizes the story he has been telling isn't true or he has convinced himself it was/is in order to give himself a reason to feel so hurt?

I do know he can't suck me in again, for once...I have been in alot of therapy (with 2 Ts for awhile, and currently) and I have moved past him, over and onward...even if its to be alone for awhile. There was way too much narcissism in my family and I ended up doing exactly what Freud would have expected of me ...finding that in a partner.

I AM still wary of him regardless, because I do know he can still be manipulative...thanks for your thoughts, Hankster.

Originally Posted by kirby777

Lost Key-

To me closure is very important, but others may disagree. SInce you know ex the best, do you think he would agree to a face to face meeting? I think it is very generous of you to want to set the record straight. I wish my exes would.

DO you think he would respond to a text or answer the phone?

It's been a long time re: us seeing each other, so I am unsure re: his answer to a face-to-face meeting...and I also forgot to mention that his idiot friend told him that I asked about him (seriously, thanks). It was more like, "So have you seen ----?" Which is sort of asking about him , but I know he took it as more than that because apparently his "face lit up" and he was very interested, or so I am told. Thank you to his friend for not being helpful here.

He would probably answer his home phone because he doesn't have caller id, ha...but again I feel no need to put him on the spot. And he hates texting except for short messages like if you are late meeting someone, etc...I hate texting, period. So that's why I was thinking email. He can read it, think about it, and I at least think he would respond back with a few sentences saying "no" if that was his decision.

Thanks for your response!

Originally Posted by Hong Kong Fluey

I agree with kirby.

I think closure is important and i think you need to do this, whether is goes to plan or happens at all is another thing so I think it would be a good idea to have a 'plan B' as I think there is an element of you wanting to explain yourself to get that closure so you need a strategy to deal with it if he doesn't want to or doesn't accept your explanation.

Good luck cheekychops
Fluey x

Thanks for your response...well, if he agrees to meet me, the best I can do is explain my feelings and the situation as it was. If he decides to disregard that still, then I am going to have to write it off as him being to invested in the truth he created for himself...and then I will have to let it go. I will be sad, and probably a bit frustrated, but I can be okay with that. My main point here is to try. If this is beyond repair, I would like to know I tried. Thanks for the luck!

[kirby777]

Lost Key-

If you want to try, then try! At least you will not have any regrets. Let me know how it goes.

I wish I could have final conversations with a few people....I know they will never occur.

[hamster-bamster]

Lost Key,

Wow, a classic narcissist! The mirror story makes him a classic narcissist, because the original Narcissus saw his reflection in the stream...

...Look - this guy violated your privacy by disclosing things to his friends without asking for your permission. Suppose that the story he told your friends were true. STILL he should not have told it!!! He violated your privacy and betrayed your trust. That makes him an aggressor of sorts, and one does not try to get closure from an aggressor. No amount of narcissistic injury excuses telling such stories to his friends.

A case in point from personal experience - last weekend, I ran into one of my ex' friends and former colleagues. I would see this woman once every few years when I was married to my ex. So I ran into her and chatter with her near a grocery store, and I saw apprehension in her eyes when she was talking to me. That kind of apprehension was not present back when either she visited us or we visited her when I was married. Back then we had a nice cordial relationship.

I figured out that she was going through a cognitive dissonance because the impression she was getting from talking to me (I asked normal questions about her son who is now in college, etc. - as would be appropriate when you run into somebody this way) was in a stark contrast with the tales my ex must be telling (that I am the craziest person on this planet).

So your ex is spreading gossip and weaving tales - let us call a spade a spade.

[rejoicejoe]

The question you should ask yourself is, what are you trying to gain from contacting him? Sometimes closure is an excuse that people subconsciously use to get in contact with their ex. True closure comes from within. Its been 3 years. You're only going to end up opening a can of worms. All the closure you need is knowing that it didnt work out.

How would you feel if he declined your invitation? And you should tell your mutual friends that they should stop talking to you about him. Because it sets you back. Dont do this.

[SilverNeurotic]

I'm a big advocate of getting closure, unless doing so would do more bad than good to both parties. It doesn't seem as though getting closure in this case will do any harm and as you've been with him for so many years it's something you both need, I believe. Just remember going into this meeting that this is it, the end and it's what you both need.