[mercury321s]

Heres some background.

My GF and I met at a restaurant we both worked 2 years ago. She was 17 and I was 19. I instantly fell in love with her. We stayed together for nearly a year then she became possesed with some deamons (namely alcohol) which I didn't agree with. We broke up because I could not be with someone who drank as that violates one of my many morals. After 4 monthes we reconciled and she swore against never going back to that citing it as a learning experience and "something she needed to do." We were back together. I went to college for 1 year and took 2 years off to save money. Coincidently we were both going to college at the same time. She is 45 minutes away from me now as opposed to 5 minutes but thats not the problem. Before I address the problem you need some additional information about us.

At least 50 people (some strangers, some friends) have said that we belong together. We both share the same morals, we respect each other and others, and above all else, we are both VERY mature for our ages. We seem to be nearly identical as far as personalities. I am not at all shamed to admit that I am a very romantic person and she will be the first person to tell you that. We have a genuine love for each other and have already made plans to live together after college. Neither of us smoke, drink, or like sex. We both think that sex is something sacred that should be saved for marriage. We have slept together 3 times without sex. I am sure all BFs say this but I would do anything for her. I would give my life in an instant if it benefited her. 2 years doesn't seem like a lot but to me it's like an eternity. I wish I could fast foward 4 years to the time we would live together. My GF is emotionally scared. Several things happened to her in the past that make her a very quiet and introverted person. She only opens up to people she trusts 100%. She also has a VERY hard time showing any emotion. Hugs, kisses, and bodies touching are hard for her to do naturally. Neither of us have a problem being physically together as long as I initiate it. She knows I would never do anything to hurt or or make her feel uncomfortable in any way and thats why she allows it. Together I feel like we could conquer the world. We have both helped each other TREMENDOUSLY in life and have both told each other we are stuck together. IE: nothing can come between us.

The problem lies in me. Within the last month (since both of us have been in seperate colleges), I have become so obsessed with what she is doing. I am -to a point- overreacting to everything she does. I have always been more like a parent to her then a boyfriend in the past but it has always been something we have worked on together because I don't want to seem controlling, just concerned. Now that I am in college ANYTHING she does I get furious at her about. If she does anything outside of classes, that is. If she eats with her roommate, goes to the gym, goes to Sheetz, looks for a job, goes on a trip.....ANYTHING, I will get upset at her. I am not a religious person and she is not either. Her roommate is a hard core Christian and is influencing my GF to join a bunch of religious groups, which she is doing. I HATE that and get so mad at her for this. She made a list of 100 things she wants to do before she graduates and I criticized that idea and said that wasn't good.....got mad again. She wants to read the top 100 novels....got mad yet again. In the past she always found time to spend with me, but being 45 minutes away, that is really not something we can do all the time. We talk everyday on the phone as well. I have always dealt with a slight smount of depression...maybe felt down once or twice a month....thats it. Now I am depressed everyday. We are taking a break from each other now and she insists I talk to someone about this because she does not like being yelled at all the time. I am not at all against talking to a psycotheripst or someone, but I have no medical insurance and am on a VERY limited budget. I enjoy reading books and have been reading self- improvement books to try to better myself. Everyone I've talked to about us said that I need to relax in the relationship and that I need to let her do her own thing. That I know. Its doing that which seems impossible.

Does anyone have a suggestion as to what I can do, anyone I can see, any books I can read. I don't want to lose the one person in the world that I care about the most. Even now that we are apart, I think that we could get back together and I could relax, but even the slightest thought of the trip to NY that she is taking next weekend infuriates me.

Any help is appreciated.

Thanks

[Perna]

You have to get your own life. You can't live your girlfriend's for or through her. She's growing and changing and you're trying to keep things the same and that can't ever work. Life doesn't stand still.

Go visit a school counselor and make your own list of 10 things you'd like to do or experience that have nothing to do with your girlfriend. Have something "new" to talk to her about, something to share that you're doing. If you don't likee the books she's reading, what books do you want to read? I don't think you get "mad" at her, you get anxious she is growing beyond you, and that sounds like a legitimate worry to me. Get out of all the books and "do" something with others. What are you majoring in? Think of some active research you can do for a paper or project and get out and work on that and your own future. You just have to put your attention on yourself and your own development and then you won't be so "concerned" about your girlfriend and what she's doing for herself and her development.

[mercury321s]

Thats what I was thinking too. I find that when I find ways to occupy my time I get less angry. However, I am not carrying very many credits and my class times limit me from obtaining a job so I have a ton of free time on my hands which probably adds to the anxiety. I will try to find more and more ways to occupy my time if you think thats helps. You don't think its a serious problem then? I didn't think so but my GF did.

Thanks for the replay!

[bebop]

I think it more sounds like you are trying to control her grorwth. allow her to spread her wings a bit. she needs to come out of her shell. if you were to live together it would never work like this. please try to talk to someone about this problem. it sounds like you really love her but don't try to be a parent to her. living a life together means sharing.

[alisandria]

I think this is serious, and could be potentially explosive. Just reading it kind of reminds me of being with controlling guys in the past. It doesn't matter how many people think you look good together, or belong togehter, it matters how she feels.

I agree, she's growing, life doesn't stand still. That's why many relationships in our younger years are not lasting because sometimes life just branches us off in other directions.

You can seek counseling at school. All colleges have them, it's a part of your student priveleges. It does sound more like you are very anxious, and it comes out as anger. Anger is depression masked. Talking with someone at the school will help you gain the tools you need to get this on the right track.

Keeping yourself busy, will help divert some of the anxiety, but it's not addressing the problem, and while you still have the ability to speak with someone at school I'd utilize that. Hey, what have you to lose? Nothing. You have everything to gain though!!!

best of luck, Lisa

[mercury321s]

Thanks or the responses.

Just so you know, I posted that so many people said we were made for each other because that has never happened to either of us in previous relationships. I guess that was just to point out that we are so very similiar, not that we are not meant to break up.

Yes, I know that I am overprotective and trying to slow her growth...I'll be the first to admit that. Thats the way its been since we were together, I just feel awful when she does things on her own. This has never happened with girls in the past and I guess that is because my GF is more independent then any other girl I know. I look at it in a negative way is that she is such a sweet girl that I don't want anything to happen to her, which is wrong, I know.

I went to make an appt with a counselor a few weeks ago and there is a 2-week wait, which I thought was just ridiculous, so I didn't go. I suppose I will just have to get on the waiting list.

Thanks for the replies, I will try to post updates.

[alittlehoshime]

Hi Mercury

Thanks a lots for sharing , openess and honest these are the strengths that I saw in you and you need to try to relax urself at the same time GROW. I know that its really hard to accept the fact that "girl" whats more she's younger than you is leading the way. But tell urself that you also can do it concentrate of how to improve urself like ur being open and share about ur struggles that is a very good things to do and I think ur humble as well to wanna to seek help. And that You do care for your relationship with ur GF. Proud OF YOU.KEEP IT UP!!!! But do it step by step start from how to score high marks in ur exams so that you will get a better job and offer in the future. ( keep telling urself to relax ) like deep breathing , exercise etc all this can helps......whatever it is dont allow ur GF's growth to hinder your growth as well control ur emotions well. I tell u the truth if she really loves you she wont mind to be with you as long as your striving and kept on trying yourself to be better . but dont be prideful if you succeed. "Be a Man to lead NOT a Man to control."

with love
carol

[Milanist]

Hey, i dont think that she is more independent than the other girls, i think the problem is that you are more into her, and that (as you discribed it) want to be with her all the time!

I mean its nice and i am sure she apreciates it, but it is frustrating as well. It is not good for both of you to stay together and do everything together 24/7. You need to have some time apart, and it is this which you have to get used to!

Go out with your friends, go out and have fun with friends, im not telling you to go out and pick up another girl but have a life outside your gf.

By doing so you will understand her even more, and you would not get so angry at every little thing she does without you, because you will be doing the same!

Living apart form each other is difficult, so take the time to go next to her, even though its 45min away! Being together for a while might help this sticky situation, its better than talking about it on the phone!

Anyway goodluck, and remember you said youd do anything for her, so be happy she is making friends and having a good time at collage, and do the same yourself!

[tommylee]

i think you need to let her grow on her own my friend. Specialy since she `s so young. I `d like to believe in that saying "if you love her let her go, if she comes back she`s yours "
much luck bro
Tommy

[mercury321s]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
alittlehoshime said:
Hi Mercury

Thanks a lots for sharing , openess and honest these are the strengths that I saw in you and you need to try to relax urself at the same time GROW. I know that its really hard to accept the fact that "girl" whats more she's younger than you is leading the way. But tell urself that you also can do it concentrate of how to improve urself like ur being open and share about ur struggles that is a very good things to do and I think ur humble as well to wanna to seek help. And that You do care for your relationship with ur GF. Proud OF YOU.KEEP IT UP!!!! But do it step by step start from how to score high marks in ur exams so that you will get a better job and offer in the future. ( keep telling urself to relax ) like deep breathing , exercise etc all this can helps......whatever it is dont allow ur GF's growth to hinder your growth as well control ur emotions well. I tell u the truth if she really loves you she wont mind to be with you as long as your striving and kept on trying yourself to be better . but dont be prideful if you succeed. "Be a Man to lead NOT a Man to control."

with love
carol

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Great advice!!! Thanks a ton!!!

I went to see a counseler today. I have 6 sessions with the school counseler starting Friday. She has a PHD and is better then I thought. I thought the school counslers were just people they pulled off the street but I was wrong. I sure hope this helps. I miss my GF!

[alittlehoshime]

Hi Mercury

Im so PRouD OF YOU ((((((((((((((((MERCURY)))))))))))) tell urself that no matter what You wont quit ok tell urself that ur not weak and tell urself that YOU CAN DO IT.

with love
carol

[mercury321s]

Well I went and talked to a counselor Friday. I think it went well. My GF and I talked. I feel good that we are on good terms right now, but I still feel down. There are still a lot of issues I need to deal with. I have 5 more sessions with the counselor. I will let everyone know what ends up happening.