[Edda]

It is something I'm personally affected by but I'm sure I'm not the only one so I'm posting it more as a general question.

Suppose that you are in a relatively (and intended) long term relationship with someone. You both seem to have the same values about monogamy. Then, after a year or so your partner starts acting oddly; withdraws, no communication for weeks etc. You get suspicious, confront him and he admits that he is married. He insists that he doesn't love the wife, he is not in a relationship with her any more, etc.

You are shocked and ask him how come he never mentioned this little detail. He says "you never asked".

I think I am NOT some weirdo believing that being single means being single both in effect and legally.

I know I would never, ever go anywhere near a married man. I think concealing this "little" detail indicates a complete lack of integrity. I think it is a conscious act of cheating.

[High Treason]

When I was still married legally but no longer together with my wife, I certainly didn't feel the need to go around telling everyone I dated about my failed marriage. However, in a relationship for over a year? It certainly seems like it should have come up. I was in a relationship for about 2 months before I told her. A year is certainly excessive.

On the other hand, if he is not on the way to getting a divorce from his wife, then it's a little different than my situation I guess. I'm not sure what he could be thinking if he still intends to be married to her. That does seem like outright deceit in that case.

What I'm saying, though, is I think you are a little hung up on technical details of whether or not he is legally married. What is more important is why he didn't tell you and what he intends to do about the marriage. If he is not in a relationship of any kind with his legal wife, I would indeed consider him single. Although, if your eventual intention with him is to get married, you need to make sure he intends to divorce her. I also agree that it is somewhat troubling that he didn't tell you for over a year. I understand him thinking that it's just not that important for you to know when the relationship is not that serious but a year is serious...

[healingme4me]

To me, it seems more concerning that he didn't bring this up, to you, on his own accord, before you were together for a whole year!

It is a very important detail! I can see how that would shatter trust.

I've known of people, it's taken years to finalize a divorce. I've known of people that went through the steps to divorce, and the former spouse went on to remarry. Not sure how that works.

How long have they been apart? Aside from this lack of disclosure on his part, were things fine between the two of you? He's no longer living with her, right?

What caused his withdrawal?

[Edda]

He refused to give proper explanation on the grounds of "breaching wife's trust". Nice, eh? He insists that "if I knew it all I would understand". He broke up with me - dancing out of our relationship by placing himself on some moral high ground.

He didn't just shatter my trust. He shattered my life.

Originally Posted by Edda

It is something I'm personally affected by but I'm sure I'm not the only one so I'm posting it more as a general question.

Suppose that you are in a relatively (and intended) long term relationship with someone. You both seem to have the same values about monogamy. Then, after a year or so your partner starts acting oddly; withdraws, no communication for weeks etc. You get suspicious, confront him and he admits that he is married. He insists that he doesn't love the wife, he is not in a relationship with her any more, etc.

You are shocked and ask him how come he never mentioned this little detail. He says "you never asked".

I think I am NOT some weirdo believing that being single means being single both in effect and legally.

I know I would never, ever go anywhere near a married man. I think concealing this "little" detail indicates a complete lack of integrity. I think it is a conscious act of cheating.

I agree completely on this. I am single in the sense that I am a single dad, the mother lives in a different state and we've been separated for over 14 months without any intention of reconciling.

I am in the process of getting the divorce but have not yet. Although there's a part of me taht would like to meet women and maybe have a relationship again, there is that, I am not divorced yet. so in reality I am legally still married.

I do not pursue women, although I do enjoy "looking" and imagining having a date or two, the thing that holds me back is that I would not want to keep the truth of my situation from her and I know that would keep many women from even looking twice at me, and this is justified.

i will say that I don't necessarily think that I'd be wrong to date, if someone were willing to date me, knowing all the details. I don't have a problem with that because I know the divorce is a 100% thing that is going to happen. I'm sure it won't happen, don't necessarily want it to yet since even in the best situation she accepted all of it, it entails a lot of complicated stuff I don't want to deal with.

[Edda]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I agree completely on this. I am single in the sense that I am a single dad, the mother lives in a different state and we've been separated for over 14 months without any intention of reconciling.

I am in the process of getting the divorce but have not yet. Although there's a part of me taht would like to meet women and maybe have a relationship again, there is that, I am not divorced yet. so in reality I am legally still married.

I do not pursue women, although I do enjoy "looking" and imagining having a date or two, the thing that holds me back is that I would not want to keep the truth of my situation from her and I know that would keep many women from even looking twice at me, and this is justified.

i will say that I don't necessarily think that I'd be wrong to date, if someone were willing to date me, knowing all the details. I don't have a problem with that because I know the divorce is a 100% thing that is going to happen. I'm sure it won't happen, don't necessarily want it to yet since even in the best situation she accepted all of it, it entails a lot of complicated stuff I don't want to deal with.

Thanks for this, s4ndm4n. Your post was actually helpful on more than one level.

[oldlife_disrupted]

I think he was not only dishonest about his marital status but the nature of his marriage as well. What a douche!

Originally Posted by Edda

Thanks for this, s4ndm4n. Your post was actually helpful on more than one level.

you're very welcome. I'm sorry you have had to deal with what I feel is basically a cheater. :/ I would be willing to bet that you, without your knowledge, were the other woman and he didnt' tell his wife everything either

[Harley47]

I agree with Sandman. I know from hearing my mom speak of hers that divorces can be a lengthy, brutal process, but I do agree fully that he should've given you the courtesy to tell you, and very soon. Anything less is, in my opinion, completely dishonest.

[Edda]

I would like to emphasize that I have no proof of what actually happened at the background and I will not judge this person for what I don't know.

I'm saying that having learnt this secret was a bombshell, a shock and I have no choice but believe that this fact played a major part in his decision to dump me.

I believe that has he not been married we would still be together and I know for a fact that had I known he was married, I would never have gone anywhere near him.

Originally Posted by Edda

I would like to emphasize that I have no proof of what actually happened at the background and I will not judge this person for what I don't know.

I understand that. I am just saying based on the track record it is very likely that is the case. The only silver lining in this is that you did find out and it didn't drag out with you being in the dark any longer.