[DifficultQuestions]

My girlfriend was raped by her high school teacher when she was 17. Violently. She then had voluntary sex with him twice-more, by putting herself in the same situation with him. This was approx 8 years ago.

Since the day she told me, I have been struggling with this unmanageable amount of suicidal rage, sexual insecurity, jealousy and hatred for myself.... I don't know what to do. I am unable to articulate to my therapist, sponsor, support network, and family the nature of these intense emotions, so there hasn't been any way for me to resolve them. It hurts on a daily basis. bad. We have a baby on the way. and are very excited. I am convinced that unaddressed, this issue will cause serious problems.
Instead of trying to self-diagnosis here, I will just say that the deepest, darkest, shadowy core of this issue seems to whisper to me "she liked it".
I am familiar with the psychological impacts of rape within our human nature. I am aware that she doesn't deserve to be punished for this. I don't know if I can get over it.... I'm not sure how.

I am being vague intentionally with the hopes that someone can help steer me in the right direction. Any help, is very much appreciated. Thank you. I will be checking this daily.

[CantExplain]

I can understand the insecurity and the jealousy. I could also understand grief and anger.

The puzzle here is the self-hatred. Are you feeling guilty about something?

I'm glad you are seeing a therapist. That should help. There are several ways to articulate this. You could start with a bare and dispassionate statement of the events. Or you could start with naming the emotions, as you have here. Your therapist should help you from there.

[unaluna]

Seventeen is very young and very dumb. 25 from my vantage point isnt much better, but really 17 and her teacher? Maybe some people are mature at 17 but I sure wasnt. That's why so many kids get pregnant from prom. Dont they? Maybe she liked feeling wanted, feeling favored. That's what it would have been about for me. You sound like you're looking at it from a guy's point of view, which is natural, but gives a weird answer. It's probably different for a girl.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by hankster

Maybe she liked feeling wanted, feeling favored.

I wouldn't say this about a rape victim. It's actually very common for this to happen - it's as if the person is somehow trying to undo the trauma or gain control over the situation, so they go back to the abuser. I'm going to be careful here, as I know you well enough to know you don't mean this the way it sounds, but please re-read what you've written.

Rape is the second most serious crime after murder because it does such destruction to the psyche. Saying a rape victim likes feeling wanted is like saying women return to men who beat them because they love the drama.

Anyway, OP, I wonder if your self-hatred is to do with feelings towards this man and towards your gender as a whole?

[unaluna]

Thanks tr. But I meant it more along the lines that a neglected child might accept negative attention over none at all. It doesn't mean, as the OP fears, that "she liked it."

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by hankster

Thanks tr. But I meant it more along the lines that a neglected child might accept negative attention over none at all. It doesn't mean, as the OP fears, that "she liked it."

That's a better way of putting it. Sorry for any confusion - I figured you didn't mean it like that, I just wondered if it could be misconstrued.

[BonnieG2010]

No girl can like to be violently raped.
If she re-enacted the same situation is for the reasons that tinyrabbit explained very well.
No one ever wants to be raped unless he/she has serious psyche damages.
This is not the case of your girlfriend.

One question: has she really got over it? Has she seen it thru with a therapist and now she's fine about it? If not I guess she should. Your adding that she had voluntarily sex with her rapist seems like she has not put in perspective yet what happened to her.
If she starts any therapy, you might want to join her, at a certain point, to discuss this specific part together with her therapist.

But you should be honest with your T expressing the way you feel. There is nothing wrong with our emotions. We must learn to read them correctly and act after them in the proper way.
If you keep hiding them you are not helping yourself in stepping forward.

[DifficultQuestions]

Reading these responses has been a difficult but eye opening experience. I will continue to talk about it to my therapist equipped with the ideas that I have learned here; thank you. Walking into the solution armed with these ideas about what my part in the situation seems easy enough. However, I don't know if I can bring it up to her in a way that i feel comfortable.

The night she told me and the following day, I was suicidally depressed and sick to my stomach. I seriously couldn't stand up without nearly throwing up. I just walked and walked and walked and walked. I gave her the impression that I moved past it. I don't know how to encourage her to continue therapy without bringing it all up again.

[BonnieG2010]

Your T will advise you went the time comes that you can talk to your girl about it without problems for you.

Best of luck

[twoper]

So I'm not clear on what the issue would be if, hypothetically, your girlfriend "liked it." Are you fine with her having had partners besides you? Is it the fact of her having a dark side that might enjoy or resonate with trauma that bothers you?

Unless you're her first (not counting that teacher), she's probably enjoyed sex with other people in the past.

However, I agree that there is slim likelihood of her having "liked it" in the common sense. Others have provided good explanations of why she would have gone back to him.

Like most of us, she is probably a complicated person with a dark side that isn't particularly pretty and with needs and wants that aren't fit for polite company.

I would really recommend talking to your therapist about this.