[man123]

In grad school I was a part of a friends’ group. I was in a serious relationship with one of the guys of the group. Everybody in the group knew about it. After sometime, we broke up.
Now I am in a loving relationship with a guy from our friends’ group. We love and care for each other. He never asked me if I was physically involved with my ex. I too did not tell him for good. After getting to know each other, I realized that he believes in a very transparent relationship. He told me about a fling he had once. So, one day I confessed to him about it and said that I kissed and hugged my ex. I could not tell the complete truth. He was perturbed that I hid this from him but soon he was ok with it and was very happy that I confessed and strengthened his trust in me.
I knew I did not tell the whole thing and felt very guilty about it. So again just about two weeks back I told him that I had been to my ex’s place a couple of times and although we never had sex, we did have foreplay. I said I did not tell him this since I regret what I did and felt ashamed. I knew it would complicate things and he might leave. This hurt my boyfriend and he is very upset with me. None of us is friends with my ex it has been two years. The first reason he is upset is that I lied to him about this in the first place. Had he known this before he would not have gone ahead with me. He has lost his trust in me and his self-confidence. Second reason is that my ex was his friend once and so whenever my boyfriend thinks of getting intimate with me the thoughts of me with my ex haunt him and he feels awful.
We love and care for each other, had planned to get married before I confessed to him, still share a great bond and are willing to continue with the relationship, get married and do great. My boyfriend respects my feelings, never forces me to have sex. He agrees that whatever I did, I did because at that time I loved my ex. However, he feels that whenever he used to get cozy with me and do things he used to feel great that he is the FIRST one with whom I am experiencing those feelings. He is afraid that this might affect our married life too since he and I will have to face this every day. There are some other problems too like finances, my parents’ acceptance that will be needed once we tell them about our relationship, our age factor since am one year older to him and now this confession. He feels defeated. Please tell us how we can resolve this.

[gayleggg]

From what I see, he is going to have to forgive you. Even though, he says understands that you thought you loved you ex when you did these things with him. He is still not over you having had another relationship before him. I would suggest couples counseling. I think that is the only way to bring out why he is so insecure about a past relationship you had prior to your relationship with him.

[Odee]

Had he known this before he would not have gone ahead with me.

Because you two TOUCHED?

This is really his problem and not yours. He is over-reacting.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by man123

Second reason is that my ex was his friend once and so whenever my boyfriend thinks of getting intimate with me the thoughts of me with my ex haunt him and he feels awful.

I find this a little confusing actually.

There's kind of an unspoken thing among guys that, to quote Jack Nicholson, you don't "... rub another man's rhubarb." So dating exes of friends can get really awkward. It usually has nothing to do with the girl, but more about not wanting upset their buddy.

This doesn't necessarily sound like that though. You might talk to him a little more about why it haunts him and makes him feel bad. Is it because he doesn't want to hurt your ex or is it that he maybe feels threatened? That might help narrow down the problem.

I agree w/ Odee, this really sounds like his problem. While I do believe in the "Bro code", this is something more. Obviously the 2 of you are at least in your mid-20's and I'm pretty sure he's dated other people so what's wrong w/ you dating others before him.

While yes, I do believe in honest open communications in a relationship, I would never want to know the details.

[twist293]

He sounds a lot like me, lol. I had the same issues with my girlfriend. It is actually the reason I even came to this site in the first place. She's a virgin, but she's done stuff before. I am not a virgin and I've done more than her. However, I feel so jealous and insecure when I think of her past. I can almost see someone else doing stuff with my girlfriend and it tortured me for the longest time. I still get plagued with thoughts occasionally, but it's something that I have to deal with. Your boyfriend needs to accept the fact that there are still a LOT of firsts that he can do with you. Sex is a major one. I know this sounds cliche, but what is in the past needs to stay in the past. It's best that you guys don't even mention your pasts anymore (trust me on that one). If he needs someone to talk to, I'll gladly volunteer. I've been in the same boat as him. Best of luck!

[hamster-bamster]

Odee is so right - he is over-reacting.

I interpret your mention of the need for parental consent to mean that you are "brutally young".

Do not get married - you are too young and the boyfriend is obviously too immature. He needs to go through some maturation.

Your grave mistake was your attitude - you "confessed", "felt guilty", "felt ashamed", "regretted", etc. A whole lot of negative self-talk - way too much. Why so - in the opening line of OP, you wrote:

"In grad school I was a part of a friends’ group. I was in a serious relationship with one of the guys of the group. Everybody in the group knew about it."

So you were in a serious relationship that was socially accepted - all the members of the group knew about it. So what was shameful in that?

Plus, I simply fail to understand why everybody knew about it but your current bf did not. How did you manage to conceal it selectively - just from your current bf but not others? It seems impossible. Maybe I fail to read the OP properly.

Also, thanks to Jeffro - I was wrong and you aren't that young. You are referring to the grad school IN THE PAST TENSE. So you are - in late 20s? Not even mid-20s, but late 20s, most likely. And you are one year older than the boyfriend. So does the boyfriend expect a woman in her late 20s to be a virgin? Or did you go to grad school right after undergrad, which could place you into the mid-20s age bracket, as Jeffro guessed. Still - it is unusual to expect a woman who is in her mid-20s and who has already obtained a graduate degree to be a virgin. So something is odd. Maybe you can clarify.

Also, when he told you about his fling, but did not you tell him right away? You seem to believe that relationships should be symmetrical - if he is open, so should you be. Ok, so - being open with him was your idea of doing things right. So what prevented you from telling him the whole truth right away, after he told you about his fling? Maybe I am not getting something, but it appears weird - he is telling you about a FLING. While I personally have no qualms with flings or anything done consensually, the status of a FLING in this society is much LOWER than the status of a LONG-TERM SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP KNOWN TO YOUR SOCIAL CIRCLE. Therefore, if it was OK for him to have had a FLING in his past, it was even MORE OK for you to have had a serious relationship in your past.

Weird! Please clarify.

[bluegirl007]

i completely agree with hamster-bamster

[cnfused.girl]

Yeah I have to agree with hamster bamster. It strikes me odd that someone would care about a one year age difference. That's a sign of immaturity and he seems to have issues within himself that you had to know about because you decided to lie to him. All because you thought he wouldn't go any further with you? That didn't make the situation any better I'll have you know. as fa as marriage... you both need counseling and you both have a lot of bonding to do before you take those vowels.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by cnfused.girl

It strikes me odd that someone would care about a one year age difference. That's a sign of immaturity

...

as fa as marriage... you both need counseling and you both have a lot of bonding to do before you take those vows.

I can tell you that a one year difference matters A WHOLE LOT when people are... in middle school... possibly in high school... maybe in college, but it is a stretch. The difference in age gets faded as you get older - the older you get, the less important it becomes. Between 60 and 61, there is clearly no difference. Between 14 and 15, yes, there is a difference.

To the extent that you still care about the one year difference, you seem to be - emotionally rather than chronologically! - very very young...

good idea about counseling and bonding before the vows...

[man123]

Thanks to each one of you who have patiently read and advised.
Yep m 26 yrs old, done with my Masters just a while back. My current bf did know about my past relationship and he was the one who helped me through the post breakup phase. But since I lied to him about my intimacy with my ex, this situation has risen. Had I been honest earlier things would have been much different. I felt ashamed of what I did because I trusted my ex a lot but he dumped me like a trash for other GIRLS!! That actually makes me feel used. Although I should be thinking otherwise but that's the way I feel. My bf wants to forget these things and move on but he has lost his trust in me though he knows he shouldn't. He is a very sweet and gentle person. The girl whom he dated a few times, he realized he is not interested in her so he quit. Getting intimate with her was a distant thing.
The age factor is not an issue for me. It wasn't for him too but he feels I am more experienced than him when it comes to getting intimate else he is good with it. Age factor is an issue for my parents since they feel girls mature faster than guys and so the guy should ideally be 1-3 yrs older than me.

[man123]

A cousin of mine got married at 35 still it was with her parents' consent.Getting parents' consent for marriage is important in my circle. That's how things are.

[hamster-bamster]

Ok, thanks for clarifying. It makes way more sense now!!

I think the issue happened because you were not "too honest", if I may use this oxymoron , and, therefore, the remedy you need is being "completely honest".

I am sure that if you tell the bf what you just told us - how the fact that your ex dumped you like a piece of trash for other girls made you feel used, and that, in turn, made you feel ashamed, and that - again, in turn! - made you feel uneasy about telling the current bf about the ex, he will, with time, see your POV. Other than being completely honest, there is no other remedy for this situation. Your thought process (felt like trash --> felt used --> felt ashamed --> felt like concealing the extent of the connection with the ex from the current bf) is not COMPLETELY obvious (but you understand it yourself - you wrote that you knew you should be thinking otherwise but still felt the way you did) - not COMPLETELY obvious - but it is logical/understandable enough to present to the bf. Just tell him the way it was. Also, there is this thing called verisimilitude, as I am sure you know very well, and oftentimes, it is exactly an unusual, illogical, non-obvious detail that renders verisimilitude to a story, precisely because it is hard to come up with something not-quite-logical when trying on purpose. In other words, the real truth does not always present itself as the most obvious, logical, straightforward, matter-of-fact story. So your explanation would - I hope!!! - appear credible precisely because it has the verisimilitude you need. Hopefully he will realize that!!

[man123]

Yep I have been completely honest with him since then. There is definitely an urge in him to know every detail but he avoids it. I did not use to feel trashed before but since I have divulged it to my bf and he feels that he is not first one with whom I am experiencing things, now it makes me feel used.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by man123

A cousin of mine got married at 35 still it was with her parents' consent.Getting parents' consent for marriage is important in my circle. That's how things are.

OK!

Your parents' position re girls maturing earlier is not without merit, by the way.

[man123]

Originally Posted by twist293

He sounds a lot like me, lol. I had the same issues with my girlfriend. It is actually the reason I even came to this site in the first place. She's a virgin, but she's done stuff before. I am not a virgin and I've done more than her. However, I feel so jealous and insecure when I think of her past. I can almost see someone else doing stuff with my girlfriend and it tortured me for the longest time. I still get plagued with thoughts occasionally, but it's something that I have to deal with. Your boyfriend needs to accept the fact that there are still a LOT of firsts that he can do with you. Sex is a major one. I know this sounds cliche, but what is in the past needs to stay in the past. It's best that you guys don't even mention your pasts anymore (trust me on that one). If he needs someone to talk to, I'll gladly volunteer. I've been in the same boat as him. Best of luck!

Thanks for your reply. He said that had he too done stuff with other girl it would have been ok, maybe. But since that's not the case he is hurt that I lied and he wants to come over this and move on happily with our relationship.

[hamster-bamster]

I think twist293's offer to be a person for your bf to talk to is really kind and what the doctor ordered.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by man123

Thanks for your reply. He said that had he too done stuff with other girl it would have been ok, maybe. But since that's not the case he is hurt that I lied and he wants to come over this and move on happily with our relationship.

he is having a lapse in his logic. Do not tell him that though - he is in a vulnerable position and does not need further trouble!

He is saying, essentially:

1) "I have the need for absolute symmetry. Everything has to be symmetrical. I have not done stuff with my fling partner, so you should not have done stuff with your ex".

This position is, basically, funny and immature, since people cannot have everything in their histories perfectly aligned in symmetry - it does not happen in reality, outside of perhaps some arranged marriages in India, and even that is slowly coming to a halt. But it makes sense.

2) "I am hurt since you lied". This makes sense in and of itself, taken in isolation.

So far so good.

But when he said that he is hurt because you lied in light of his not having done stuff with the fling girl - that defies logic and common sense.

If it is at all possible to disassemble his assertions into two separate statements (above) and deal with each of them separately, since they are not in any way related to one another, that sure would help.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by man123

Yep I have been completely honest with him since then. There is definitely an urge in him to know every detail but he avoids it. I did not use to feel trashed before but since I have divulged it to my bf and he feels that he is not first one with whom I am experiencing things, now it makes me feel used.

OMG it gets complicatedlier and complicatedlier, rephrasing Alice in the Wonderland.

So I thought that you did not disclose since you felt trashed. But now it turns out that you felt trashed in response to making the disclosure.

That is very .... out of adjectives . I guess it is midnight and time for me to go to sleep. Will hopefully be able to understand you better tomorrow!

[man123]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

OMG it gets complicatedlier and complicatedlier, rephrasing Alice in the Wonderland.

So I thought that you did not disclose since you felt trashed. But now it turns out that you felt trashed in response to making the disclosure.

That is very .... out of adjectives . I guess it is midnight and time for me to go to sleep. Will hopefully be able to understand you better tomorrow!

I am making it simpler. When he helped me out during my post breakup phase I felt gud about myself again but telling him things and recalling everything recalls those feelings too.

[High Treason]

Both of you sound incredibly immature. I think it might be best for both of you to break it off and do a little more living before considering marriage with anyone. When something as ultimately insignificant as this (and a 1 year age difference at 26!) can come between you, I don't think you're ready to be considering marriage.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by man123

I am making it simpler. When he helped me out during my post breakup phase I felt gud about myself again but telling him things and recalling everything recalls those feelings too.

so you felt trashed, then felt good when he started heeling you out, and then told him things and in the process of telling him things, the recollections flooded you and caused you to revert back to feeling trashed?

[man123]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

so you felt trashed, then felt good when he started heeling you out, and then told him things and in the process of telling him things, the recollections flooded you and caused you to revert back to feeling trashed?

Yep. I will be meeting him today. Both of us are anxious. He admits I am not at fault but those thoughts haunt him. That perturbs him and he loses confidence if we will be having a great time in our marriage.

[man123]

Originally Posted by twist293

He sounds a lot like me, lol. I had the same issues with my girlfriend. It is actually the reason I even came to this site in the first place. She's a virgin, but she's done stuff before. I am not a virgin and I've done more than her. However, I feel so jealous and insecure when I think of her past. I can almost see someone else doing stuff with my girlfriend and it tortured me for the longest time. I still get plagued with thoughts occasionally, but it's something that I have to deal with. Your boyfriend needs to accept the fact that there are still a LOT of firsts that he can do with you. Sex is a major one. I know this sounds cliche, but what is in the past needs to stay in the past. It's best that you guys don't even mention your pasts anymore (trust me on that one). If he needs someone to talk to, I'll gladly volunteer. I've been in the same boat as him. Best of luck!

Hi! can you tell what mindset were you in at that time and how did you resolve it?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by man123

Yep. I will be meeting him today. Both of us are anxious. He admits I am not at fault but those thoughts haunt him. That perturbs him and he loses confidence if we will be having a great time in our marriage.

OK!! This is progress! His saying that you were not at fault is progress. It is much easier to deal with haunting thoughts than to deal with haunting thoughts and groundless accusations!! congrats on the progress you guys have made.