[toddlermommy]

I have posted here before but found myself more confused after posting than I was to start so I thought I would try again. I've been married for about 1.5 years and with my husband for a little over 3 years. We have always seemed to "bicker" because we both have strong personalities. However after we got married this first year seems like it's been a blood bath. We just can't seem to "fight" normally and every time we do it spirals out of control.
What I believe the problem is, is that he gets frustrated or stressed and takes it out on me. He takes on too much with work and always feels like he never has the time he wants or needs to accomplish anything and our lives are very hectic and busy. I have an abusive past and can recognize verbal and emotional abuse as well as of course physical but I just can't seem to determine if our relationship is just "toxic fighting" or if he has an anger problem or if he IS abusive.
Let me give an example... most of the time when we fight it's a power struggle. I want him to do what I want him to do, and he wants to do what he wants to do. For example he doesn't communicate with me about his plans and when I've had our son 10 hours while he is at work he then he calls me when he leaves work to tell me that he is going to the gym right when he gets home. "I'm like are you kidding me I've been here 10 hours with our son all day and I need help!" Then he feels like he can't do what he wants to do and it turns into a huge argument. Most of the time our arguments end in me calling him an "asshole" and a jerk and both of us just getting pissed off. Eventually he'll apologize and then most of the time we move past it. Honestly I am usually the one that calls him names during a fight, but he does raise his voice and uses a condescending tone.
This morning I told him when we woke up that I wanted a family day today and he told me that he had so much to do and wasn't able to have a family day but could do it another day. I got mad because he wants our family day to be a Thursday in the middle of the week when I can't do that because of work (he has an unconventional work schedule). We just argued back and forth about how I thought we should have family day on Sunday and our lives are too busy and not sustainable. Then he said how about Friday and I said "Ok fine!" But I was still so pissed off from the argument that I couldn't let it go. I made a bit of a rude comment saying "Oh good glad we found a day that works with your schedule since it's all about you" and then stormed off. Obviously that wasn't the best thing but I just could not let it go, I go into fight or flight mode and cannot control myself and all I see is "abuse abuse abuse" in big red letters. Anyway a couple hours went by and I decided to go home and pack my stuff, take my son and go to my Moms. I've done this about 5 or 6 times during the time we've been married because again because of my abusive past I go into fight or flight and don't know what else to do. He got really upset that I was leaving and said "I can't believe you're taking our son and just leaving" and "I can't take this anymore you are so selfish". Then he called me a Selfish *****! I was literally floored, he has NEVER EVER said that to me. Then he took my hand and took the ring off my finger and told me he was done. Mind you I've told him I was done about 50 times but this was the first time he had ever told me HE was done and the first time he has ever called me names during a fight, like I said it's usually me calling him an asshole. I've also thrown my ring at him a couple times. So anyway I feel like is this the start to physical abuse since he grabbed my hand? What if it just progresses from here? What kind of man calls his wife those names? I know I've called him names too during arguments but I feel like a man should just never treat a woman like that.
I feel conflicted because I want to leave but we have a 3 year old son and he is not his biological father but has raised him since we met when he was 2 months old. When we are good we are really good and there are times when we work really hard at our relationship and we are able to deal with conflict normally. But we've created this pattern that now we are trying to break and it seems we just go in the same cycle over and over. Is it better for me to just leave now?

[curley]

Hi ToddlerMOm
You start out saying you think the problem is.....he is frustrated etc. Obviously you are too.
It does not sound like he is abusive. But calling names is a form of abuse to me and not to cool. You are never going to get anyway flying into a rage, or hanging onto issues that in the scheme of life are not that important, or can be dealt with in a nicer way.
I will say a word that may help and that is COMPROMISE. Calmly talk about what you would like, have him say what he wants and find a way that each of you can at least get a little of what you want.
Going to counseling to help you communicate better is always helpful
Good luck

[SilverNeurotic]

1. You two need to work on communication skills and learn how to compromise with one another. You cannot have a relationship (healthy) without these two things.

2. If you think he is being verbally abusive...what do you think you are being? Just think about it, being a women does not give you an excuse.

3. Marriage counseling. 'Nuff said.

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[tinyrabbit]

I read your example and it doesn't seem like he just got stressed and took it out on you. I think you both need to work on communication skills. Why do you think your conduct during the family day argument was ok? You got stressed and took things out on him too.

He didn't physically abuse you. You are the one who has thrown things at him. I really think you are projecting onto him and you urgently need to consider counselling as an individual and a couple as right now your view on the situation is being skewed by all your past stuff. Right now you are pushing him until you get the reaction you expect.

[Lonely_90]

Your going to Dilike me for this.

To me it dose not sound like he is the one doing the abuse. Think about it, you say HE NEVER calls you name, but u admit that you are calling him names, although u think asshole and jerk are not mean, they probably hurt just as bad as Him calling you a *****. As for him wanting to go to the Gym after work... maybe he needs to release some tension, work off some steam. Yes taking care of a child ALL DAY alone is exausting and all you wanted to do was get some help from him. BUT if you let him spend an hour at the gym after he will be calmer and less fighting. Communication is key, seems to me you are picking fights and trying to control him, if he dose not do what you want him to do you get mad and upset. thats not a good way to be. Before trying to blame him for abusing you, look at yourself. Maybe you are being selfish.

[lilithmoon]

Im in a similar situation, but very different at the same time. my opinion is that you are both overwhelmed with your lives right now. he feels hes always working and you feel you are as well..with your son. maybe he doesnt see you as working bc you are a stay at home mom. the gym is an ok outlet, at least it is not drinking or partying..but still frustrating. maybe you two can plan days he gets to go to the gym, and days he stays home and you go visit your mom or a few friends without your son. as long as you both stick to the plan you will both feel better. one date night a month and one family day a week can also be planned to meet all of your needs. and doing something he likes as well as you. i dont think he is abusive, from what you wrote.... but i also think the fighting is obviously weighing heavvily on both of you. both of you need your needs met and allowing him alone time will give him a chance to give you alone/or family time. its all about balance but both have to agree. this is where my problem comes in so i dont know much about that lol. the man has to stick to the plan you too make. with a goal in mind and a plan..the arguing will subside as needs are met!!! good luck!