How do I forgive him when he broke my deal breaker?

Sounds like you're starting to see the reality of what this guy is about . . . and deciding he's not who you want to be with. That's a great move forward. It sounds like he's done everything he can think of to make it clear that he's there basically to use and abuse you. Ending this would be a good move. Don't make it complicated. Don't worry about where he is going to live when you tell him to leave. He probably needs to spend some time in shelters to understand that he has to provide for himself. Most likely he will look for another goodhearted woman to take him on board. Eventually, he'll probably find someone. Make it a point to not know about his life. Otherwise, you'll stay involved and cling to the fantasy that he may change. He won't.

Once he's gone, the most likely thing that will happen is that you'll end up in another exploitative/abusive situation. That's just a statistical fact. But it doesn't have to be your destiny, if you'll do what it takes to protect yourself. Understand that men like him can spot a soft touch like you from a mile away. It's not necessarily that you go looking for these guys. They find you. (I've been there. One guy even told me that, in a nightclub crowed with people, he spotted me as "the weak one" in the herd.) As someone above said, check out a man's value system before getting involved. We are capable of "falling in love" with a person for a bunch of reasons that have nothing to do with whether this is someone we can build a decent life with. Hard as it is, you have to learn to ignore that "love" that you feel. For you, it's a totally unreliable motivation. You're capable of loving a decent person, but you won't get a chance to do that if you let losers waste your time. Your life . . . your time . . . is far too precious.

Sirgoliath, it sounds like you have made the right decision and you see this man for who he really is. I'm sorry you are going through this. I know what it's like to love someone who is so wrong for me. Try to focus on what you've written there, the things that you are aware of that are damaging to you and your family. Good luck.

Don't. Get a stable dude. Some new hot thing.

sounds to me like you already know the answer. deal breaker broken.... deal off. he has no regard from you from what you are stating. sounds like you know the answer and are putting it off by using the i love him as an excuse to stick around.

Glad to hear you are on a path to recovering from this type of relationship. Though it's hard, the work, on yourself, that you will do, will help you see the red flags of such a relationship, in the future. And, then, you probably won't linger as long, which will benefit you.



Gosh, that bed frame has got to be the most symbolic piece of the story of your relationship, with this man.

It is worth a try, but only if you are open to it and willing to build your trust up again.

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I KICKED HIM OUT!! My household is very happy! My son doesn't miss him at all!! The energy in my home has changed.
I know there is something inside of me that wants to nurse damaged people. I must out an end to that. This guy showed me from the door that he wasn't right but I proceeded thinking I could show him love & we could live happily ever after! I'll live happily ever after without him! I love him but I'm better off without him.
The day he left, my platonic man friend came over, put my bed together, made dinner for my son & I and walked my dog. That is more than my bf has done for us! I will only nurse healthy relationships going forward no matter what. If I see the red flags, I will run to the nearest exit. I will not put myself through this emotional turmoil again!
On the last day, he hugged me but I didn' hug him back. He said he loved me but I didn't say it back. Why should I? I had it on my head to move on & stop catering to his broken ego like a bandaid. He was on his own. The current feelings don't matter much. What mattered is wht he did & made me feel during the relationship & he made me feel ******. When I didn't call 24 hrs later to check up on him, he had a tantrum, name called, threw insults & anger & etc. I know he only wants to keep the "love" flowing because he needs to manipulate me for $ but I cut tht too. I'm over it & have moved on.

This urge to "nurse damaged people" can come from something in you that is good and strong, but has been channeled in a perverse direction. You can find a better outlet for your capacity to be understanding of broken people.

What you think of as "love" may actually be something else. I think when loving people do not have a suitable object for their devotion, they channel it into what is not really an object of love. Real love may be unconditional, but that doesn't mean that it can just be aroused by anyone and anything. Real love is based on there being something lovable to love. A child does not truly love a doll or a teddy bear. A child goes through the motions of loving the doll or stuffed animal, but that is not truly love. I guess it's kind of like a "practice" love. You probably had dolls or soft cuddly animals that you felt "love" for. Do you still feel it now? I'll bet you don't because it was not really love. It was you imitating loving behavior in a way that is healthy for small children to do.

The proof of this will come to you years down the road. I've been through this, and I speak from experience. Someday, after you've truly let go of this relationship and gotten some time to recover, you will be very surprised at the change that will come over you. You will find that you forget little things about this guy that you believed you would never, ever forget. In ten years, you will find that you don't remember when his birthday is, or what his middle name is, and other small details that we tend to remember about people who legitimately command a place in our hearts. Those are just examples. Maybe you'll remember those things and forget other things. In any case, you will be amazed at how little space he continues to take up in your mind. You will find yourself amazed that you remember so little of what once seemed so important. It is because this is not really love, IMHO. You have love in your heart that, right now, that you don't know what to do with. So you've given it an object. This guy became like the teddy bear that you used to believe was very dear to you. It's not a real loving relationship. The stuffed animal or doll couldn't love you back and neither can he. Maybe, it's not even his fault, but it is how he is.

How nice that you have this platonic friendship with someone who can give back. Look at how that got crowded out of your life, while you were with the man you lived with. Already, your life is getting more healthy and open to fruitful friendship because you sent away someone who was bad for you. You can expect you're former housemate to keep trying to weasel his way back in. Keep the door of your heart and of your house bolted. Eventually, he will give up. Good luck and know that you've made a healthy decision.

Thanks Rose76! I said the same thing to my gf last nite. Im mourning but I don't mourn him. I mourn his physical body bc he was the teddy bear. All the love came from me not him. I loved the hugs, kisses & the sex but they were empty without actions. I was in love with myself.

I want to understand why I chose this man for a partner. This is my first dysfunctional relationship. I had a wonderful, normal & loving relationship with my son's father & we have a wonderful friendship. We broke up bc we grew in different directions. Even though I forgave myself for proceeding when he broke my boundaries, I still ask why I allowed it to happen.

Gd morning.
It's been a week since he left & I'm certain I did the right thing even though I miss him at times. He has continued to show me the type of man he is. The last week he has thrown oyher women in my face as revenge for me not contacting him. He has said that if I ignore him, he will find someone who won't because he's handsome & a catch. He has said that I have too much baggage, I'm not a real woman, I put my dog before him, I abused his love & that I'm not a good friend. & in thenext breath, he asked me to move with him because we can have a good life, he's in love with me & I'm the woman for him & he wants to marry me.

I think he wants me to cave so he can get revenge. I'm not an angel & I have lashed back at him out of anger but I have not disrespected him as he have done to me. I have cut ties with him because I couldn't let him ride my back & get nothing in return. It's only been a week of no contact with him & I see the man he is! He hasn't offered an apology for his actions & he has been playing that needy role from day one as an excuse to talk to.other women. I have a son, family & a life that I tried to make him apart of. The spotlight can not be on him all the.time! That's what he wants.
Excuse the typos.

you are doing the right thing by yourself, and especially your son, to let him go. Be strong, don't get sucked in again. The only thing I would do to help him is buy him a bus ticket back to FL.

SirGolith, thanks for the post. I need to establish a boundry with my husband, because he has a nasty habit of criticizing my mama act, when he should be praising it.

It sounds like this guy is going to find himself another sucker. The way to look at it is "better her than you." He probably is destined to contribute to the education of a lot of women.

And . . . . yes . . . . the dog probably deserves to come "before him."

Yes the dog means much more to me! She's loyal unlike him!
My son is much MUCH happier he's gone! He hasn't asked about him at all & has told me that he's glad he's gone because he was mean & he didn't like him much! That saddened me because my son tolerated him to make me happy! My 8 yr old is more mature than this 40 yr old man! My decision to kiss him out came late but better late than never!

Rose, I'm sure he has tried to find another sucker but is disappointed that he hasn't yet. I know that he's burned his bridges because one of his texts said that his friends in FL & his brother are (the f word) because when he called they have made excuses not to see him. He has no one & thinks he can manipulate & put a guilt trip on me again! Not anymore! that book is closed & I realized the day after he left how peaceful, undramatic & easy my life is.

I have undervalued myself for 4 years with this man & I'm very disappointed that I did that for something I thought was love but wasn't! I have a family, friends, a good career & a beautiful son. I will not compromise my values, them or myself for someone who wants to constantly hurt me again.

Thanks for allowing me to vent, Ladies. I'm hope my story helps out the next woman or man who has a psychopath in their life. BTW, he is a psychpath. He fits the description. He did all these things to me. I'm educated now. The next man is in for the screening of his life! LOL

1. Flattery like you've never heard before. Psychopaths move extremely quickly. On the first date, he'll probably tell you that you are stunningly beautiful, unbelievably intelligent, and uproariously witty. He will play into every fantasy and insecurity you have. If you think you're fat, he will tell you how much he loves your body. If you think you're shy, he will laugh at every lame attempt at a joke and tell you you should have been a comedian. This is called "love bombing." It's the idealization phase he gets you hooked on, and it's the phase you will spend the next however-many months or years trying to get back once he abruptly shuts it off.
2. He is just like you. Psychopaths will try to convince you that you are soul mates, just alike. He loves all the things you love and you have all of the same interests. If you had a tough childhood, he will say something like, "We both had it rough. That's why we understand each other." If there's an obscure book you love, he will make sure he loves it too. What he's doing is called "mirroring." He has no real identity, so he sucks yours up and mirrors it back to you.
3. Pity plays. Pay careful attention to what a psychopath says on the first few dates about his exes and other people in his life. Is his ex girlfriend crazy and stalking him? Did another girlfriend rob him blind? Is his mother controlling and horrible? Does he seem like he's had a tough time with people, who always use and abandon him? Whatever he says about the other people in his life is pretty much exactly what he'll be saying about you at some point, so listen carefully.
4. Illnesses and injuries. Psychopaths absolutely love pity, so pay attention to how many illnesses and injuries he's had. Did he miraculously beat cancer but it could come back at any minute? Does he break his foot on your second date and has to cancel? (But strangely is okay for the third date?) Did he lose his first wife in a car accident that left him with brain trauma (yet he talks fine and seems fine)? Try to check out his stories -- call hospitals if you need to -- but don't be surprised if he has an excuse for why you can't find any record of any of his traumas.
5. Great sex. Everyone wants great sex, but those who have been with a psychopath often say it's the best thing they've ever experienced. A psychopath goes out of his way to please you. It's just another way of getting you hooked. Once he has you hooked, you'll find yourself begging for sex because he suddenly won't want it anymore.
6. Cracks in the mask. A psychopath will sometimes blurt out something odd about himself, apropos of nothing. Like you might be cooking dinner and suddenly he blurts, "I'm crazy you know." Or "I'm cheating on you." He will then either deny he said it or play it off as a joke. A form of keeping you off balance -- but also possibly an unconscious slip of the mask of his persona.
7. Silent treatment. Once psychopaths have you hooked after the "love bombing" and "idealization" phase, they then begin to devalue you. The first step in that is usually to give you the silent treatment over something. Psychopaths are also known to disappear for days at a time. Be sure, the silent treatment and disappearing act will be laid squarely at your feet. In reality, he is off sizing up his next target somewhere.
8. Triangulation. Psychopaths love to work you up into a state of obsessive frenzy, so to do that, they idealize you, give you fabulous sex, and then begin pulling away and "triangulating." This is when they introduce other people into the mix to make you jealous. It could be an ex-wife or ex-girlfriend, a friend of the same sex, or even a celebrity. In the psychopaths mind, everyone else wants him, so you better be on your best behavior, or he will move on to one of his adoring fans.
9. Discard. The final phase of the psychopath is the "discard" phase. After he sucks you in with idealization, then begins to devalue you, he will suddenly discard you as if you never had a relationship. You are suddenly completely worthless to him. He will usually move on to another target at this point.
10. "Hoovering." Although a psychopath will discard you, he doesn't quite want you moving on either. If he senses you are done with him, he will suddenly do an about-face, and begin bombarding you with pleas to stay together. He will try to "Hoover" (named after the vacuum cleaning company) you back in by saying everything you've ever wanted to hear, making a million promises, and suddenly being on his absolute best behavior. It's all an act so he can get you back into the fold.
10 Signs Your Man Is A Psychopath

Firstly, so proud of you! You are very strong and brave to do what you did. You made the right choices and you will look back and be glad you did.

Second, wow, that list is frightening because, sadly, I've been involved with a couple of them. Blech!

Ten years from now you'll be even happier about this decision than you are now. With time, you'll realize more and more what fate you averted for yourself and you will be so glad.

Think about trying on line dating. It seems random, but then what's more random than who we happen to bump into in real life. You're still young enough to need and deserve a relationship that isn't all about you being exploited.

[QUOTE=SirGoliath;3347260]Hi.


im not much at relationships but i am happily married for 35 yrs. We had a cocaine problem for yrs once It took 3 yrs after we quit for life to come back He needs tim to get over that before he can commit to much else

Hi ladies,
I had a hard weekend. After no contact with my ex for a week, I broke down & unblocked his texts. Why did I do this to myself? We had a good conversation until he asked me to come live with him, said he'd take care of my son & I & we'll be married as soon as I come down. I was immediately suspicious & told him no but I am moving on with my life, happy, dating again & that I am happy for him. He became angry & called me all the names in the book. I hung up & blocked him. He then sent emails calling me names, talking about my female body parts & said that it's old & men want younger women. (I'm 37) What hurts is not what he said about me but what he said about my son. He called my son a retard & said he'll grow up to be gay with a mother like me. He had said earlier that he loves my son & was sorry he had to leave him because he wanted to see him become a man. He's crazy & doesn't care about my son & me.
Why did I let him through again?! I let my emotions get in the way of my logical thinking & I made a wrong move once again. I sometimes miss him...Is this normal or am I being needy & silly?

It's normal and typical of women who stay forever in bad situations.

Change is hard. To have a better life, you are going to have to do somethings that are hard for you to do. There is no medication or counseling that can make it easy to do hard things. You just have to make yourself. That's what it comes down to.