[Calicoe 99]

Hello good people, I'm new here, and I want to thank you for taking the time to read my topic. I seriously need perspective.

I have a roommate with whom I have been sharing my apartment now for about 2 months. We have a lot in common, share cooking, go out, and talk about a lot of personal stuff - basically, becoming friends, to an extent. she has shared her own personal stories of her background and I have shared some of my own.

At any rate, we were familiar and comfortable enough, that a really tough story came up for me last night while we were socializing with another new friend, who is also pretty cool.

I guess I felt comfortable enough and safe enough to share a story of how I was date raped long, long ago as a teenager, and then recently again about 5 years ago as an adult. It just came up, and is not something that I talk about often at all. In fact, I hadn't talked about it to hardly anyone, and definitely not for at least 5 years, and even decades.

I was removed and distant enough that it wasn't overly emotional, but it came up and I needed to talk it out. Of course, the subject is uncomfortable, but maybe I erroneously assumed that it was safe to bring it up around strong female friends.

The roommate was trying to limit what and how long I should talk about it, and wanted to cut me off after the first story, but I need to talk and kept going. She then told me that I should have stopped, and needed to respect boundaries.

I was offended, and after a confrontation, I left. The new friend followed me down stairs, and I started crying, and felt terrible. It felt worse than the actual story I was telling. I was a bit emotionally fragile for the rest of the night, and I haven't talked to my roommate since, except for a brief text this morning.

She made me feel somehow like I had violated her, when all I thought I was doing was talking about something difficult that happened to me years ago, in what I though was a safe and comfortable setting.

So, here I am, to here your perspective on the matter.

Thanks so much for reading.

[Travelinglady]

Hi, Calicoe99, and welcome to Psych Central! To me it sounds like you have stirred up some negative feelings with her. Who knows, maybe she had some similar experience or was abused as a child or whatever. Do NOT ask her, though. You aren't her therapist.

Yes, it would have been good had you stopped when she asked you to. Indeed, I can understand how she would feel "violated" because she asked you to stop doing something--and you didn't, symbolic of rape, in a sense.

I suggest you give her some space. Sometimes we scare people by revealing very personal things too fast too soon. But what is done is done. I also suggest you not bring it up to her in any detail, though. Just try to be nice. And apologize briefly as in, "I'm so sorry I didn't respect your boundaries." Then the ball will be in her court.

Let's see what other folks here might have to say about it.

[Jannaku]

It is difficult to know how anyone is going handle a topic such as date rape until you begin discussing it. Even though you had a deep need to offload your experiences to your friends, at least one of them was not ready to listen to it for reasons unbeknown to you. Perhaps she herself is a victim of rape and just does not want to go there because of her own painful memories or whatever. Don't beat yourself up about it though. What is done is done, put it behind you and move forward with a lesson learned. I have a very close friend who I often talk with at a very close personal level. I can sense immediately when she's had enough, not interested or whatever and although I hate not being able to talk things through sometimes, I respect her and change the subject and move on. It makes me feel let down at times and very unsupported, but then I think of all the other things she does/has done/will do as a friend and focus on that. I agree with Payne1 suggesting that you apologize for not respecting boundaries. If she is a decent person, she should appreciate this and forgive you. All the best x

[Yoda]

Sorry you had this bad experience. For some reason your story may have been triggering to your room mate.

PC is a safe place you can talk about your experiences. I hope you find this community supportive.

[Calicoe 99]

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. Admittedly, I am having a very hard time accepting the comparison of myself to a rapist for thinking it was safe for me to talk about my own assault. Honestly, I am having a very difficult time with that one.

I am sure it could or may have triggered her, as she has brought up her own sexual assault at least a few times with me, although I have never shared my own story with her until the other night. In fact, she has brought up many of her own stories. All of these years, I have NEVER felt "triggered" or uncomfortable with other rape survivors sharing their stories, and have even been there for them and listening, to whatever it is they need to share or not, and I have never found the need to turn and twist that moment around to myself.

Thing must have changed since my assault, because I have always been mindful to support people who need discuss their assault within a safe and intimate setting - which is what I thought it was, among someone with whom I have shared my apartment and life for 2 months, and have listened to endless stories of her woes, background, issues daily afflictions. The second person is a new but good friend, and she didn't mind being there for me.

I never planned to bring anything like this up, and actually never have - it was a first for me and I guess I very much did learn my lesson, thanks very much.

I have always come from this standpoint when dealing with the sexual assault of others:

"Allow your loved one to make choices for him or herself. Being raped is the ultimate type of loss of control over their environment. Don't step in and try to take charge - allow your friend or loved one to make their own decisions as a way to begin the road to empowerment.

Ask - rather than assume you know best - how best you can help your friend. This can help your friend begin the path to recovery and begin to rebuild trust.

If you are having a hard time coping with the feelings that the rape has stirred up inside you, consider talking to a therapist or counselor about how to manage your OWN feelings."

- See more at: How To Help Someone Heal From A Rape or Sexual Asault - Band Back Together

-See more at: How to support a rape survivor

"Support you can offer:

Listen to her.

seems hard to comprehend. Women's experiences are often denied and minimized.

Tell her you are glad she could tell you about it.

Respect that she may need to focus solely on herself and her needs for awhile.

Let her know you are there for her.

Reassure her that you are there to talk to if she wants to.

Allow her to make her own decisions.

Support the choices she makes.

Recognize the harm that was done to her.

Realise that her feelings are ok.

Respect her need to express these feelings.

Let her choose which family members or friends she wishes to disclose to.

Ask how best to support her.

Acknowledge your limits.

Respect her privacy.

Be patient.

Respect that her healing may take time, space and energy.

Let her talk. Survivors often need to go over things many times, allow space for this.

Try to avoid:
Ignoring what has happened to her.

Taking charge or being over-protective.

Blaming, accusing or judging her.

Telling anyone else about what happened without her permission.

Expecting her to deal with your feelings."

[River11]

Calicoe, I totally understand and relate to your feelings of hurt and insulted trust in both cases. I do agree that your flatmate must have been triggered by your disclosure, but her behaviour in the whole context does sound rather selfish, and that would make me feel angry too. We sometimes find that people's limitations prevents them giving even what we've given them and thought they were equal to.

Please don't remain offended, though, by the apparent comparison that was drawn. It's quite understandable that it would outrage and hurt you and you are right to express that, calmly as you did. But it would not have been meant personally or to actually compare you ... there is no comparison - we all know that!

I hope you can have some kind of progress in the relationship with your flatmate ... And I send you encouragement (I think you've handled things well)