[violinm9]

Help - I'm enmeshed with my husband's emotional problems. He has obsessive thoughts and can't be comfortable unless I do something that I feel is immoral. I had an affair ten years ago and ever since, he has felt inadequate in all ways (especially sexually). He wants me to keep seeing the other man and having a physical relationship with him because he would feel that all of my needs were being met and he won't have to lose me. This, in my opinion, is sick thinking. I am, however, constrained to do it since he gets all anxious and depressed if I don't. I told him to see a therapist and that we should enter marriage counseling, but he refuses. I am constantly reminded of my blunder by this behavior of his. I'm Catholic and I don't think the church condones adultery. My husband says that I am different and that I get a pass. He attributes a large sexual appetite to me which I deny. It's what he wants to believe. He is in a dream world. I can't escape him. I don't want to divorce because in all other ways he is a good person and we get along well. I do love him. I am trapped and often develop suicidal thoughts as a result. Sometimes I just don't want to live. There is no exit, as Jean-Paul Sartre once said. What is the answer?

Thank you for any thoughts on this.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by violinm9

I told him to see a therapist and that we should enter marriage counseling, but he refuses.

Can you go "shopping" and see if you can find one who impresses you as being a worthwhile possibility? Then you might either see this person yourself or have more information with which to get your husband to take a chance...

[gayleggg]

It's not fair that your husband trap you into going against your morals. I agree, you get counseling on how to deal with this in a way that doesn't lower your self-esteem and go against your morals. He is punishing you for having the affair in the first place by forcing you in to it again. Don't degrade yourself and let him deal with his moods himself. My heart goes out to you.

[violinm9]

Thank you for your response. I have told him that he is punishing me but he keeps denying it. I wonder when I'll find the answer to this situation.

[tinyrabbit]

He is abusive. Time to consider leaving.

[healingme4me]

He is 'making' you, continue an affair?
If you are, uncertain about how adultery fits into, your religion, sitting with a priest, is a good idea. As is, speaking to someone about your ideation.
Your marriage, sounds, toxic.
Does it benefit children, to have two parents, who aren't interacting, in healthy ways? How can they model, a healthy relationship, in their future, when one isn't being modeled, for them?
Have you considered both individual and couples, therapies?

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[violinm9]

My husband refuses to go to counseling individual or marital. I have an appointment with my therapist on Thursday. I suppose the ideation talk can wait until then. He twists my mind. The more I think about this, the worse I feel. So I try to bring myself back to the present and I say, "I am here and not with that guy right now. I'm ok.

[healingme4me]

That's all you can do. Sounds like he May have a way, of manipulating your emotions?

It's a good step, to be in counseling. Will help keep you, grounded in reality.
Do you have a pdoc, lined up, in case you May have developed a situational depression/anxiety, after years of living like this?

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[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by violinm9

Help - I'm enmeshed with my husband's emotional problems. He has obsessive thoughts and can't be comfortable unless I do something that I feel is immoral. I had an affair ten years ago and ever since, he has felt inadequate in all ways (especially sexually). He wants me to keep seeing the other man and having a physical relationship with him because he would feel that all of my needs were being met and he won't have to lose me. This, in my opinion, is sick thinking. I am, however, constrained to do it since he gets all anxious and depressed if I don't. I told him to see a therapist and that we should enter marriage counseling, but he refuses. I am constantly reminded of my blunder by this behavior of his. I'm Catholic and I don't think the church condones adultery. My husband says that I am different and that I get a pass. He attributes a large sexual appetite to me which I deny. It's what he wants to believe. He is in a dream world. I can't escape him. I don't want to divorce because in all other ways he is a good person and we get along well. I do love him. I am trapped and often develop suicidal thoughts as a result. Sometimes I just don't want to live. There is no exit, as Jean-Paul Sartre once said. What is the answer?

Thank you for any thoughts on this.

I'm so completely confused by all of this. If you think it's immoral, why did you do it in the first place?

Second, I don't blame him for feeling inadequate, you picked someone else over him. This

So I try to bring myself back to the present and I say, "I am here and not with that guy right now. I'm ok."

doesn't change that.

Third, I can't imagine what he thinks to accomplish by sending you back to that other guy. He seems to be wallowing in a mire of self-pity and wants to drag you down with him.

Overall, if he refuses couples therapy, I think you should consider getting out of the relationship.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by violinm9

I don't want to divorce because in all other ways he is a good person and we get along well.

What a hard place you are in! I was reminded with the above of the bad joke, "Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?"

It is your life, your mistake. You shared with your husband but that does not make it his experience to manipulate? You have to decide what is important to you; you cannot consider your husband, he has to be in charge of his life, you cannot be, and he is acting the vampire and pimp, not actions of a "good person". You chose to commit adultery but the Church did not enter the equation for you then so it should not now; you chose one thing then, you have to chose another now. Your choice is your choice and currently you are choosing to hurt yourself to allow your husband to hurt you and himself.