[lynnhill]

Hello,

For almost the last two years my boyfriend has been struggling with depression. As difficult as times have been, the ups and downs, the emotional roller coaster, I have made a commitment to myself and to him that I am here for the long haul. I truly love him and feel that he is on the right track to moving forward.

My question to other loved ones and caregivers, but maybe more importantly to those who have suffered from depression, I am wondering what insight you can give me. For those who struggle with depression, do you realize you are pushing your loved ones away? Why is it easier to be around those you don't know too well instead of the ones that love you unconditionally? Seems like those that don't know you too well, get to see a fun, relaxed side of you, not the heartache and pain.

Sometimes it feels like my boyfriend has forgotten about me, that he doesn't realize him pulling away and being quiet and alone, makes me feel lonely. i understand he cannot be there like he use to be, and I'm hopeful in time he will be able to be, but it's hard. I'm always here for whenever he needs to talk or needs support, but I just wonder if he knows what it does to me when he pulls away.

[A Red Panda]

I haven't been in the middle of a depression while being in a relationship at the same time, but I will take a stab at answering anyway.

Yes, we realize that we're pushing people away and hurting them. And it makes us feel even worse. There's this odd mix of wanting to be honest with them and knowing that the way you feel is going to hurt them more, and wanting to pretend that things are fine even though you know they'll see through it and it means you're lying to them. Many of us who are depressed will feel like we are going to be abandoned and left alone and rejected anyway... especially when the depression intensifies... so even though that terrifies us, we'll retaliate and start to do it to ourselves. Sometimes it's pretty much impossible to believe that someone actually will stay around no matter what, and we are just waiting for them to have had enough and leave.

And those people who don't know us too well? Well, they never do get to know us well. Because we go out and we lie. It's easier to lie to strangers because they won't see through any of the BS. They won't have any expectations of us, and they won't question us about how we are behaving, and they won't be upset if they don't see us again and so we only have to pretend once. We don't worry about them rejecting us because we will be rejecting them at the end of the time out anyway. The only people who get to see the pain are the people that we care about and trust the most - because with those people, we're trying to not lie. We're trying to be honest.

We don't forget about other people, and we do realize that we're pulling away, and that it will make the other person lonely. However, sometimes we literally do not have the energy to go near someone, and will feel pressured too much to meet whatever the other person would normally expect of us. So we might withdraw in an attempt to alleviate that stress for ourself... but also because we don't want to upset and hurt that person even more... and yes, we understand how that doesn't make sense to other people.

But yes, we know what it does. And that hurts us even more than it does the other person, because we know that our brains are the cause of it, and we don't choose it and don't know how to get out of it all the time, and yet our brains spend all the time in the world convincing us of all sorts of horrible things.

[bronzeowl]

I'm not in an intimate relationship with someone who is suffering from depression. However, I can weigh in as a caregiver. To a point. And as someone who goes through depression.

My mom has depression. She has battled it off and on for years. Lately, it seems to have reached its highest point. She really needs to get help, but it's hard for us financially. Therapy would be her only option (I'm lucky to be able to find ways to afford medication) and she's not much of a talker. I get that from her. She has trouble doing things she used to be able to do so easily. Her depression is often crippling. I have to watch her go through this. And often times, it hurts. It really does.

I do my best to help her, though. Cleaning when I can. Helping her with her pets. The little things, you know? But sometimes, I feel like she is pushing me away. I feel like she pushes me away the most, because I'm the one who lives with her. I see her at her lowest points. I'm the one who hears her crying at night and sees her crying. My siblings don't hear or see any of this, so they don't understand why I'm sometimes so stressed out. Depression is hard on everyone involved. Does she know she pushes me away? The short answer: Yes. She has brought it up from time to time. She and I are very honest with each other, we always have been. She worries that I'll leave, worries that I don't want to be around her. Sometimes, I admit, I have times where anger and frustration and my own depression get the best of me. And I sometimes feel like it's true. But it isn't. I want to be there for her, to fight alongside her.

As someone who has been through depression. Yes, I know I push people away. I'm very aware of it. I became so isolated. So freaking isolated. I literally felt like I had no one left in my life but my dogs and my family. And the latter was as good as pushed away, too. It's easier to show strangers a relaxed side because... simply put, that side is fake. It's not real. It's a facade. I put on the act for so long. But eventually, I got sick of it. I didn't even have the energy to do that anymore. When I was happy, it was too happy. When I wasn't, I was too depressed. I was very, very aware that I'd pushed everyone away. And it caused me to spiral into a deep, dark place.

My best advice is to remember to reach out when you can. It's the little things. For my mom, it's always the little things that brighten her day. She loves dogs, so sometimes I share pictures of puppies for her on Facebook. Sometimes, I buy her a rose and leave it on the table for her to find. Other times, I come home with several bags of dog food so she doesn't have to buy them for a long time. The little things matter, and they brighten our day (if only for a moment) more than others may realize.

I know loving someone with depression is hard, but the fact that you're here shows you do care about him. I wish both you and him the best.

[BonnieG2010]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

I haven't been in the middle of a depression while being in a relationship at the same time, but I will take a stab at answering anyway.

Yes, we realize that we're pushing people away and hurting them. And it makes us feel even worse. There's this odd mix of wanting to be honest with them and knowing that the way you feel is going to hurt them more, and wanting to pretend that things are fine even though you know they'll see through it and it means you're lying to them. Many of us who are depressed will feel like we are going to be abandoned and left alone and rejected anyway... especially when the depression intensifies... so even though that terrifies us, we'll retaliate and start to do it to ourselves. Sometimes it's pretty much impossible to believe that someone actually will stay around no matter what, and we are just waiting for them to have had enough and leave.

And those people who don't know us too well? Well, they never do get to know us well. Because we go out and we lie. It's easier to lie to strangers because they won't see through any of the BS. They won't have any expectations of us, and they won't question us about how we are behaving, and they won't be upset if they don't see us again and so we only have to pretend once. We don't worry about them rejecting us because we will be rejecting them at the end of the time out anyway. The only people who get to see the pain are the people that we care about and trust the most - because with those people, we're trying to not lie. We're trying to be honest.

We don't forget about other people, and we do realize that we're pulling away, and that it will make the other person lonely. However, sometimes we literally do not have the energy to go near someone, and will feel pressured too much to meet whatever the other person would normally expect of us. So we might withdraw in an attempt to alleviate that stress for ourself... but also because we don't want to upset and hurt that person even more... and yes, we understand how that doesn't make sense to other people.

But yes, we know what it does. And that hurts us even more than it does the other person, because we know that our brains are the cause of it, and we don't choose it and don't know how to get out of it all the time, and yet our brains spend all the time in the world convincing us of all sorts of horrible things.

what a beautiful post you wrote! so heartfelt and true.

I'm giving a couple of ideas to Lynhill, I'd love if Red Panda would comment on them, if you think them really helpful or not.

He may withdraw from you because you know him so well that you could push the wrong button, unkowingly, in the wrong moment and when he's weaker he barely can take care of ordinary things, he couldn't stand anything more.
Have you noticed how anything that comes from loved ones blesses us deeply, even when the other person didn't mean bad? Strangers cannot make us feel half as bad, that's why they are safer to handle when we are weaker.

It is a gift for him that you are there and you want to be there for him.
But you have to set boundaries, so that his sickness won't get to you, first, and that he doesn't get too deep in it.
For me, self-pity was a strong part of my illness and there is a kind of strange pleasure in letting ourselves drown into it. But it only makes things worse.
Discuss with him, when he's not so low, what are the safe things that you can do to cheer you up when he lets you down. Going out with girlfriends? Some shopping? a weekend in a lovely place with friends and without him?
Discuss it over and then decide. Whenever you do one of these things, remind him that he agreed to them.
This can be beneficial for both of you: for you, so that you don't suffer too much, but take active part in the good things of life and for him because your positive behavior will remember that you like the good things in life and that if he wants to be with you he can't let himself go too far.
Red Panda said very well that there is also some kind of unconscious defy: let me see if you really love me and you can stand this all. If you don't sit around with him, but go out and have fun, he'll have to think of a different strategy

[A Red Panda]

Oh yeah, those are good points.

Don't stop your life due to his depression. Continue to live your life. If he doesn't wish to go out and take part in something... don't get upset with him about it, just say ok, that you'll try to be home around X-time and that you'll contact him if things change - ask him if there's anything he wants/needs while you're out.

If he gets upset about that - remind him that you need to live your life too. When I'm really down, I'll be upset with myself for not going out - but I never get upset to hear that other people are still going out. I WILL start to get upset if they give up on me and never invite me out anymore though. That tiny little "Hey, we're going for dinner on Friday, want to come?" reminds me that I am cared about, and that those people are there for me. I usually say that I'll let them know on Friday because I'd like to but don't know if I'll be up for it. (Personally, if I have a day where I am up for doing something, I'll contact someone pretty quickly to see if they're free - because I want to be taking part in life and I don't want to be abandoning everyone).

There is a lot of fear that people will continue on with their life and leave you right out of it. That they'll forget about you, or that they'll get too angry with you not being able to do things. And quite frankly - most of us who have that fear have learned it because it is what typically happens.

So live your life, but reassure him that you're really looking forward to when he's up for taking part in it again. Don't stop inviting him out and asking him to do things, but don't get upset or annoyed or disappointed when he doesn't. Because that just hurts us more. We tend to know if someone's going to be upset anyway, and we feel a huuuuge amount of guilt over it, so the more casual the invitation is the better.