[Lonely_90]

Something has got to be wrong with me, to stay with a man that would treat me the way he dose, just today my sister has pointed out things that I didn't realize until she said them. I am scared, I'm scared he's going to leave me, I'm scared of what my life will be like if I stay.

Every time he says "I don't care about you, I don't want to be with you, it's over" why can't I put my phone down and ignore him? I know he dose not mean those things, but one can only hear such negativity before they start to believe, I am co-dependent, an enabler, a push over, to nice, I care to much, love to deep, I hold on to things even if they hurt me.

I'm hurt, broken, and with each hurtful word I crumble, I have no time to heal before the next thing gose wrong, I thought I was strong, I'm not strong enough to stay or leave, I am in limbo, my emotions are all over the place, I'm sick everyday, I just want this to get better.

I know, leave him, he's no good, I've heard it before. It's not as easy as it sounds. I love him

[timj]

I heard so much negativity from my wife for years that it hurt me to my soul. I was a failure (I didn't earn tenure at my university), I was fat, I was disgusting. It all stemmed from a lack of closeness that crept into our marriage and frustration on her part over it. In the end our marriage almost blew up over her recent cyber sex but the explosion actually brought us closer together in many ways and forced us to deal with issues that had been destroying our marriage before the cyber. The reason we grew closer together is because we realized in spite of everything we have been through (much I posted elsewhere in the Relationships forum) we still loved each other.

So ask yourself, do you love him? It sounds like you do. Does he love you? If you love each other, find a way to change the way you interact. I'm not saying to cheat on him. My wife went to an extreme, we barely survived. Look for a way to change the way you interact. Find a way to talk about this.

If he really doesn't love you, your heart will be broken, but you have to move on. If I thought my wife didn't love me still in spite of everything, I would have been devastated but would have divorced her and moved on.

[Petra5ed]

Ugh, that is a rough spot to be in and one I know well. It is terrifying to stay, and terrifying to leave. For years I had that mental battle with myself. We had horrific fights, name calling, screaming. He would disappear and spin it so that I was to blame when he finally came home. I never trusted him, but I stayed for years and years fearing no one else would want me. Fearing being alone, that's all that kept me in that relationship. Fearing that true thought as well. Finally, one day I caught him in a huge lie. I felt physically ill, I think it must have been my first panic attack. I was dizzy, just sick to my stomach, sick because I knew it was over. And it was. If this ever happens to you, I highly recommend getting laid with someone new as soon as you can after breaking it off. I had several rebound relationships. They were all fun and exciting, and I suddenly felt so free, I was over my ex in a matter of a month. Then I calmed down, found a much better person, and life goes on.

[Rapunzel]

There is a book that you might find helpful, titled "The Verbally Abusive Relationship." It helps you to recognize the patterns and how to respond to them. It may be possible to save your relationship. The big "if" is whether he is willing to change, as well as you being willing and able to change how you respond to him and let him know that you will no longer accept being abused. Not everybody is willing to change, so that can be a deal breaker. Counseling can help if you go to a counselor who is able to see what is really happening and call it as it is.

Do you feel safe? If he is physically abusive, or you otherwise are in danger, safety is the priority. You need to have a safety plan, whether you are staying with him or leaving. There are instructions for making a safety plan on the internet, and there is also help available, even if you just want to talk to someone and get moral support, figure things out, find out about options, etc. They aren't going to make you do anything that you don't want to do. The national hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). You can also look at their website, The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support or others. You can find specific hotlines for your area too, but this one is a good place to start.

In deciding what to do, sometimes it helps to write out the pros and cons and ask yourself what you are afraid of. This is a legitimate question that deserves an honest answer. What are you afraid of if you stay? What are you afraid of if you leave? There are reasons why women stay in abusive relationships. I stayed in one for 20 years. To be honest, some of my fears did come true, but I'm still better off out of that relationship. You have to decide when you are ready, but you don't have to live like that.

Please don't consider casual sex as a fix. Sex has so many complications and so many reasons that you will regret it. You deserve to be treated with respect, not used. It won't solve anything and can make things a whole lot worse.