[Juliana]

On Thursday morning, I dumped the guy I had been dating for the past few months. He was the first person I had been intimate with (physically and emotionally) in a long, long time. I used to be a good judge of character but now I'm feeling like I've been completely oblivious.

He SEEMED like a really decent guy. In hindsight, there were some red flags, but I didn't see them at the time. I found out on Wednesday night that he had sex with someone else (twice) while we were together. That's not the worst part, though. The person he had sex with was a student he met while he was COUNSELLING her. (He's the disabilities resource facilitator at the university where we both work.) She had a breakdown and subsequently had to drop out of school. She tracked him down and he actually slept with her TWICE. He told me he felt guilty about sleeping with her... but not because he took advantage of someone vulnerable and made a huge moral and ethical breach. He just felt guilty because he was dating me and was worried about me finding out.... but then when I DID find out, he was surprised that I broke up with him. He thought I would forgive him. WTF? He still doesn't get that it's OVER and there's no way I could ever forgive something like this. I'm just disgusted by his behaviour, worried about the girl he took advantage of, and wondering how I could have been so STUPID.

I'm just wondering how I could have spent SO much time with someone who is so morally bankrupt. We spent a lot of time together and I thought I knew what kind of person he was. He seemed sensitive and caring and compassionate and DECENT. I have always thought of myself as an intelligent, insightful and intuitive person. I don't trust my own judgment anymore. Ugh.

Just needed to rant.

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Juliana -- Please do not blame yourself.

First, it sounds like he has committed something that is more than an ethical breach, but like something that could cause him to lose his license.

Second, even though law enforcement officials swear they can tell when someone is lying, there is no communication research that I know to support this. At least, not as of the late 1990s.

We often can tell when someone we know well is lying, because of what poker players call "the tell". However, the traditional signs of lying that law enforcement officials use, such as not making eye contact, can be deceptive.

However, sociopaths and con artists are successful at deceptive [b]because[/i] they are good at it. By definition, a person isn't a con artist who is bad at it!

Two months to uncover his lies does not seem too long to me.

As well, perhaps your self-judgment about how you could have been faster uncovering the deception is just your mind distorting the reality.

You are getting out, you have made huge progress from where you were, and dating is filled with such sand traps. That's why we date before committing.

I don't think you have a thing to feel badly about in your own behavior. If it bothers you that you were intimate, next time put it off a bit.

Hugs and hugs and hugs.

[seeker1950]

Juliana...You have done well!!! You ended the relationship upon learning of his behavior with this vulnerable girl! That shows strength and moral fiber on your part So be proud of yourself. A couple of months is not much time to discern character and integrity. I KNOW from sad experience! I've spent a much longer time only to learn someone was deceptive.

Love
Patty

[sabby]

(((((((((((((((((((((((Juliana))))))))))))))))))))))

I hope you will stop being so hard on yourself. You did nothing wrong here, HE did! Luckily you found out before things went any farther and you became even more emotionally attached to him than you already were.

It is all a learning experience hon. You cannot control others, and you cannot change what has happened. All you can do is learn what you can from it and move on. Hold your head up high as you did exactly the right thing.

Please don't let this shelter you from meeting others and jumping back into the dating pool. There is good and bad out there. You just happened to get a bad one....the next one may be your prince charming. But you won't know if you don't try

Hang in there Juliana...you are doing just fine!

Hugssss
J

Oh! What an awful thing to have happen, I'm so sorry.

I agree with the first three posts, everything they have said!

Please be kind to yourself-- you didn't do anything wrong.

Juliana-

mandy

"to thy own self be true"... breaking it off shows so much about that you are a wonderful strong woman...

I would like to add my own rant if I may: "THE JERK"!!!!!

I am so sorry that you had to encounter him...

[meander]

((((Juliana)))))

It's not that you're a bad judge of character, it's just he wasn't good enough for you.... Think you definitely did the right thing

hey, woman!!!!!!!! you didn't do anything wrong. he did.....get it out of your mind that you are a poor judge of character.....look at me, ......

for him to take advantage of a former client is really, really bad...remember this, he made the decision to do that....it wasn't anything about your judgment. he must think awful poorly of himself to do what he did.

you are on the right path, just forget ahead as i know you can......write to me......love you, pat

[nothemama8]

Dearheart, YOU didn't have poor-judgement, he does, in reality, he believed you would accept his actions.
he used the former client and thought he could use you, proud of you
Angie

[Juliana]

Thank you all SO much. I am so touched by all the kind words and support and insight. You amaze me. I just popped on here for a second before my first meeting of the day and I was so surprised to see all these comments. I feel like I'm going to cry... but in a good way. You have no idea how much your words mean to me.

xoxoxooxox

P.S. You're right, Freewill, he is a JERK! ;-)

and what i meant by your good judgment is this. you picked me as a friend and i've been sterling.