[YungOne21]

ok so, i've been dating my girlfriend for over three years now. I've even proposed and told her that we will be married some day. She accepted and agreed to wait. We're even going to start living together come late may early june. However, yesterday she said that she was wondering about maybe getting married in october... of this year. I'm trying to go back to school after a two year hiatus, along side being in a financial situation that is just barley above a hole. Now, my family found out about my proposal and for the better part of a year have been telling me things like "don't fall into a manipulative marriage" or " the wedding is easy, being married is the hard part. Now they say those things with an emotion that i can only describe as disdain for lack of a better word. Suffice it to say that even though i would follow her to the ends of the earth and know that she would do the same for me, i still find it hard to say a straight answer, being the kind of person i am with my ****ed up self, i find it hard to think that i'll be able to succeed as a husband or even reach my career goals. I need an unbiased party to help me think straight. I just don't know how to do that anymore.

[manwithnofriends]

If she is willing to support you through this "financial situation", I'm sure you'll promise to her not to get through any more "financial situations" again.

[Perna]

Yes, I would make a list of what you had vaguely in mind (school, career, marriage? school, marriage, career? marriage, school, career?) and the time frame and see what is literally what? "We will be married some day" and moving in together; what is the difference to you between moving in together and just going ahead and getting married? Things will never be perfect and it is doubtful your family will ever be 100% behind you if they are not now (and that they "found out" about your proposal speaks volumes, why are they even in your equation; with support like that. . . :-) so if you are waiting for that, it is possible your finance might not be willing to wait "that" long.

If you want to get married, you have to start working with her, not listening to "outside" sources. That she wants to get married in October (my youngest stepson is getting married then :-) puts that on the table and only you and she can work that out. What is she offering? Does she have a good job and ability to help support the two of you while you go to school for your career? If not, if she is just thinking of herself and what she wants, I'd be a little worried about how well the marriage is going to work with you doing all the supporting of the two of you; it's supposed to be a new, growing partnership, not a free ride/escape from parents/relatives/situations we don't like.

[NWgirl2013]

Have you and your fiancee considered getting pre-marital counseling? I'm not sure it will take, but it will give you some different eyes on your proposed future, and perhaps some tools to use as you move forward.

Don't discount what your family is telling you, they know you. They aren't kidding when they say marriage is hard. They are telling you something important.

There are two marriages in my mind; the one you think marriage is, before you do it, and the reality after. (joke)

Getting help before will help the two of you open any unopened doors, make sure you are on the same wavelength about the important 'to you' issues.
Do you agree who will manage the money, children, illness, household mechanics, chores? Saying you will work it out as you go is not an acceptable answer before marriage, it is the best answer after. You need to know a lot about what each other expects before you enter this.
I take marriage very seriously, it is a huge commitment. Be sure you both understand what it is and what it means to yourself and that you really understand what it means to your partner.

Being clear and open is the key to unlock this door to happiness.

Best of luck to you both! Young and in love is lovely!

[Elektra_]

well not so sound mean bu ur way too young to get married. u should figure urself out first. focus on ur mental health and goals. THEN think about marriage. tc

[danvb]

Regardless of what your family thinks, your financial situation and your status with schooling, what troubles me is your seeming inability to communicate clearly with the woman you intend to marry. I think she came to you with a rather straight-forward request to get married in October. Yet, that simple request seems to have thrown you into a tailspin. Why is that? If you are unable to communicate with your wife-to-be now, and you aren't even living with her yet, how do you think it will be after you're married? Honest communication is one of the most basic requirements in a marriage. Most marriages that fail do so because of a lack of honest and clear communication. Being unable to tell the woman you love what your concerns and preferences are should NOT be such a major stumbling block! If you can't be open and honest with her now, it will NOT get any better just because you're married. Quite to the contrary. For heaven's sake, when you tell a woman that you want to marry her and she accepts, of course she's going to want to narrow down the date of when the blessed event will take place! That's not the least bit unreasonable for her to wonder about! To tell her that you want to marry her "some day" is as good as telling her that you don't think she's worthy of getting a true committment from you... Why did you bother asking her in the first place if you were unable to discuss with her such a simply thing as "when" you intend to marry her and your reason for picking that timeframe? If October isn't going to work for you, TALK WITH HER ABOUT IT!!! Tell HER what you're thinking and feeling! Share your concerns with HER! If you're going to be marrying this person, you might as well learn how to communicate, negotiate and compromise because that's what you do in a successful and happy marriage! Things are NEVER cut and dried or black and white. You need to know that.

Although what you family has to say is absolutely valid and should be of concern to you, if I were you I'd be taking a good hard look at the reason that you're unable to communicate with your betrothed. To me, THAT is a huge issue. It's an issue that overshadows all others.

...or am I missing something?

Dan

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by YungOne21

ok so, i've been dating my girlfriend for over three years now. I've even proposed and told her that we will be married some day. She accepted and agreed to wait. We're even going to start living together come late may early june. However, yesterday she said that she was wondering about maybe getting married in october... of this year. I'm trying to go back to school after a two year hiatus, along side being in a financial situation that is just barley above a hole. Now, my family found out about my proposal and for the better part of a year have been telling me things like "don't fall into a manipulative marriage" or " the wedding is easy, being married is the hard part. Now they say those things with an emotion that i can only describe as disdain for lack of a better word. Suffice it to say that even though i would follow her to the ends of the earth and know that she would do the same for me, i still find it hard to say a straight answer, being the kind of person i am with my ****ed up self, i find it hard to think that i'll be able to succeed as a husband or even reach my career goals. I need an unbiased party to help me think straight. I just don't know how to do that anymore.

I bolded the parts I wanted to address, in your OP. First, you'll be moving in together come may/june. That is a big deal, and it's an expense. It's not unreasonable, to consider, with that change in your relationship, that October of 'this' year, may feel a little soon, logistically speaking. Is there something about this October that is significant, to her? Or would next October, 2015, work, just as well? With a move in June, planning weddings is expensive, that would give you both a little over a year, to adjust to your new living situation, while planning a momentous event. Plus, would give people time, to plan to be there, for the ceremony and reception. Gosh, it would almost seem to late, even now, to start planning an October wedding, in January, see what I mean? Planning, this January, for October 2015, now, there's a timeframe to work with, and booking places will be a lot easier, and any out of town guests, can start planning now, their travel costs and hotel booking expenses. For that, she's not thinking this fully through. For you, you sound like you don't know what you want to express and why you feel that way.

Second bolded part. About comments about manipulative relationships and being married is the hard part, with disdain. (as you'd describe)? Are those, subtle hints to you, from them, about their feelings for this woman? Or have they grown jaded in their own relationships? Or, is it, just cliché expressions, being misread by you? The part about being married is hard work, I would say it's common. 'Don't fall into a manipulative marriage???????' That's eye catching for me. Is she?

Third Bold: Unable to give a straight answer. Your words remind me, in some ways, of someone I used to know. The inability to give straight answers, was because of the fear of making wrong decisions. This person, had a tendency to be very indecisive, it was easier to ponder over and over in their head about a topic, and let someone else, or life's circumstances make that decision for them, than it was to actually make a decision. Ended up miserable in a marriage for years on end. Also, had a way, of self vilifying, it was a low self esteem issue, and there were things about how raised, that contributed. Not quite martyr effect, but along those lines....

Forth bold. Define success.