[pleiades06]

I have always had strong instincts but lots of insecurity when it comes to following them...which is why I find myself in a mess with my husband. Long story short: from the first day I met him, I was both attracted and repelled. He was never terribly supportive of me and always put his priorities first, but also showered me with love. Then he would go through periods of ignoring me, and shower me with love again.

I always blamed myself for his moods and actions. When he would go out drinking for days on end and yell at me when I confronted him, I thought I was just too uptight. When he insisted on doing something I really disagreed with, he would tell me I was trying to control him when I voiced my opinion.

Now I am stuck in a foreign country with him and really want to come home, but that would mean separation and possibly divorce. My gut says it is time to leave--my therapist(s) have said this, too, but I feel so incredibly guilty, esp. because there are two kids involved. He ignores my needs and wishes but I feel responsible for maintaining a relationship between him and my kids. So do I stay trapped in a marriage and country I hate or leave and have my kids feel the loss of a dad (a mediocre one, but a dad nevertheless).

[everywhereanywhere]

ask yourself is he being a good dad will it benefit the children to have a happier more secure mother. I know its hard to leave a situation you have been in for a long time I am sure its harder with kids but if it will make you happier and more secure of yourself if will benifit your children too.

[Perna]

If he is a father who cares and wants a relationship with his children, that will happen no matter what. Do not take his responsibilities (being a good father) onto yourself; you are not responsible for his actions toward you or toward his children or anyone else, only your own. Staying teaches your children to value "mediocre" instead of trying their best for themselves and those they love? One cannot win all the time, no matter what one does.

[pleiades06]

Thanks--these are words I have heard from therapists before. It is good to hear them from people who have more distance, too.

[Webgoji]

Is he seeing a therapist as well? It sounds like he might need help with alcohol as well as needing relationship therapy. Personally I think that would be a better first step. He needs to learn how to be supportive and if he just can't come around, then would be the time to consider leaving.

Also, there are some red flags here. I read the OP three times and there seem to be some things that sound almost like emotional abuse, but I can't be sure. Am I correct about this? If so, ignore everything I said and get out.

What Perna said...great advice. x

[pleiades06]

Wow..thanks. Yeah. I really, really want him to see a therapist with me, have asked him many times. Many friends and therapists have weighed in and said they thought he was very narcissistic and self-absorbed, but I always ignored them because 1) I thought they were biased because of me and 2) I thought he would change. He he has...somewhat. Doesn't do drugs?drink as much any more, but still ignores me. Several therapists have siad I have to stop taking on his responsibilities...but we have an international relationship, and I worry about the effect his absence will have on his kids. I am slowly learning to advocate for myself adn to stop worrying about him, but it is so, so hard. Thanks for your imput!!