Changing a behavior pattern

Hi,

I've posted on here before about my history with my wife. I've always felt she was not sexually interested in me, and I've used porn as a sexual outlet for years and have lied about it. She found out about all this about 2 years ago. I've taken a hard look at my behavior and have re-committed to her, and have appolgised often.

We've had some steps forward and some back. She's devastated by what I did and my history of lying to her. She harbors fears that I will leave her, despite the fact I've been very devoted to her needs for years, and am more committed in recent years. In some ways we are closer than ever.

Whenever we fight or go through a difficult stretch, I start to want to go back to looking at porn. I don't know why it shows up at this time. I want rid of this behavior because it hurts my wife and our marriage. I think we rid ourselves of behaviors once we know why we do them.

I don't know why this comes back when she and I are distant, so I don't know how to change it.

Hi! I am thinking that you find the porn comforting and maybe feel like you are getting pleasure from someone without any rejection?

You might want to check out the sex addiction sub-forum here to see what folks there are saying. Here is the link: http://forums.psychcentral.com/sexual-addictions/ .

Good luck in changing your behavior. It can be done, but it might not be easy.

Thanks for the insite. I have often felt rejected in the past, but I also never really knew how to initiate sex in an open, vulnerabl and positive way. Now I do, and things are better. I haven't gone back to my old ways, but I want to from time to time... and I kind of dance around the edges of it without actually doing it. I don't want to even toy with temptation anymore. This behavior has hurt my wife. I want to stop doing this and move ahead in a deeper stronger healthier relationship with her.

Kudos for making this healthy change! Best wishes for making a healthier and deeper relationship with your wife!

You have made progress, but if your wife doesn't own up her part in the beginning of it all (when you thought she was not interested in you sexually) and doesn't do her part now by initiating sex frequently enough, you would likely go back to porn eventually, because the situation for which porn was initially a solution is partially still there. Less so, but not fully out the door.

You do not meet the criteria for addiction - you appear to be high functioning, right?

Ps that it comes back when you guys are distant makes perfect sense.