Trying To Stay Strong

My husband and I had an ordinary and wonderful day, but now that he's going back to work tomorrow, I'm struggling again to stay strong emotionally. I've often turned to a friend and mentor during these times, but recognize it's not doing either of us any good. I've tried to keep my distance from my husband the nights before he goes to work hoping I'll prepare myself for a mostly solitary day (I work from home as a writer, but have plenty to keep me busy.) I miss him greatly, though I'm not needy on him because I know we both do what we have to do in our work lives for our family (we have a young daughter.) Most of the time I silently try to cope, and turn to my mentor. I'm glad I have this forum to post to now, because this is quite a struggle for me - or any one person to bear. I'm sure this feeling is magnified because I was abandoned by both my parents (Mom, emotionally and Dad physically and emotionally.) I have been through several years therapy and trying meds - these abandonment issues seem to creep up and sabatoge what has the potential of being a productive day. I guess I'm still healing, after all these years? I don't want to live in the past, but it seems to drag me back during these times when my husband and friends aren't available to me, making me have feelings of being abandoned including: fear, anxiety, anxiousness, panic, sadness....and so many other things - but those are the main ones. I'm going to jot down three positive distractions (like a hobbie or small chores around the house) to take part in tomorrow as I break from writing, to hopefully keep my mind off these feelings. I may also journal. Tonight I'm going to try something new. I'm going to my husband and putting up with the TV - I'm sensitive to sound and it's like a mega phone - To try to spend some last few moments to remember and carry with me tomorrow and for the next several days. Does anyone else have any suggestions on how to cope with these feelings and turn them into something positive so I'm not stuck in the never-ending loop of paralyzing fear and loss each time he leaves? I am seeing a therapist bi-weekly. Thanks for your thoughts.

It can definitely be hard. I understand where you're coming from. My husband frequently travels for work. I try to stay focused on myself and think of it as an opportunity to do things for myself and not feel guilty that I'm not spending time with him. When he worked in the same town, but worked ridiculously long hours, I wanted to spend every available minute with him because we didn't have that many together. This limited things I would do just for me, like taking a ballet class or going out with friends -- I'd only do those things while he was at work. With this new job, I'm able to do more things for myself like that.

I also find that continuing a "normal" relationship while he's away helps, like telling him the little mundane things of my day. I usually just send a text message about some little thing going on, and don't expect a reply for a few hours (if at all), so there's no pressure. We make time to talk to each other on the phone every night, even if it's just for a little while. Sometimes, it's still really hard... I'm in a bit of funk right now. Keep reminding yourself that he's not abandoning you. He's going to come back, and the reason he's doing what he's doing is because he loves you and your daughter. If anything, even though he has to leave, he's showing how committed he is to your relationship as you guys are working on a team providing the best life possible for each other and your daughter.

I think journaling is a good idea. I'm glad you spent time with your husband even though it was difficult, both emotionally and because of your sensitivity. I think you have a great plan in place for the next couple days. Just keep focusing on you and your daughter and the things you can all do as a family when he comes home. I'm glad posting here has been helpful to you. PM me if you ever need anyone to talk to.

Thanks, RomanSunburn. I think I will start messaging him little things like that occasionally. I don't know why I haven't thought of it before - it makes so much sense with the convenience of a phone and PC. It's easy to take those things for granted and wallow, but I'm glad you reminded me of this. I did spend a good few minutes with him last night, it was nice. This morning I felt a loss again, but journaled and meditated a little. Now I'm going on a walk. I'm sorry you're going through a funk, and appreciate the offer to PM. Please feel free to PM me, also. It really helped me this morning seeing your post and knowing I wasn't alone. Thanks.

Sorry ladies, a man here. 'Friend and mentor?' Not quite sure what you mean . Is that some 'sex in the City' euphemism. Whoa, don't beat me up. I'm sure it's all innocent. Use all the tech stuff available to keep in touch. Not quite the same, second best but better than nothing.