[tufan]

I don't know what to do anymore. I do not like saying things like: "Oh, someone else's behavior causes me to act this way." But it is simply the case. I cannot deal with his behavior. And it's causing aberrations in my own behavior. This was never me.

-He goes to work and comes home. He never helps. But the magic cleaning fairy (me) has the house nice most days. The magic laundry fairy has his work clothes washed and hung up neatly, too. Did I mention the magic chef? No appreciation.

-He rarely helps with the kids. We have two school aged kids and they can get out of hand. I'm practically a single parent...of three no less.

-He's not a cruel or unpleasant man. But he rarely follows through with his words, and he lacks drive. He tells tall tales to glorify himself and I hate that. In his mind, he's the Big Man. Pandering to his ego is exhausting. He is incompetent, why should I? I wish he would just be a real hero and do his own work, for starters.

-On top of all of my other work, I also have to help him with his school work. 'Help' is more like doing most of it, and mentoring/tutoring him. Lately, it has been psychology and art. I feel like he is able if he applies himself. Then, he plagiarizes the assignments that he *does* attempt, just so he can come back and say to me, "The professor said there were people (him) in the class plagiarizing...blah blah blah" and that my friends, is his cue to me that mommy has to help him. Or he will fail. The pitiful look that he gives with the declaration of "I can't" speaks more than words can.

So I have no help, yet I do everything except collect a check, but let me assure you that I do work. More than he does. Do I deserve this because I don't have a paying job right now? Lately, I have been wishing that I was not here anymore. I see no hope now. I have not worked in a few years. Who will hire me? I'm intelligent and I can figure most anything out by reading the examples or instructions. I want to leave him soo bad, and I would if I had a job. I think I am going to apply to a bunch of different places and hope that one picks me. Then, I am saving up while I dwell here and endure, and when my time is right, I'm gone. It seems like a good plan, but I don't know how I will survive with this pitiful man that I do not respect in the meantime.

Another thing. I used to have these illogical fantasies about men, then those evolved into apathetic feelings towards men. I dislike seeing attractive men on TV, in public, etc. Maybe it's self pity, but I feel like I don't want anything else to do with another man relationship-wise if I manage to get out of this mess. Also, I don't even want to think about them in fantasies anymore. My fantasies are now grim and dark. I am uninterested in sex, mainly because I am not attracted to my husband. He really has no drive anyway due to all of the meds that he takes for his conditions. I used to love my 'toys', but the thrill is even gone there. I feel asexual...like he even took that joy from me. I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe I am too far gone.

[NWgirl2013]

First of all, no, you are not too far gone if you are still feeling anything at all.

Second, you are clearly intelligent and articulate enough to express your feelings, however unpleasant.

Third, don't give up on yourself. I speak from experience and a much worse place in many ways. I really do understand.

Perhaps you can refocus your energies on your kids and their success & then on yourself. You can start preparing yourself to work, if work is what you want to do. It will be a way to gain a measure of independence too.

It sounds like you are helping your H ...do school work? IMHO I would Stop That right now. You are making things too easy for him and he is letting you. If he fails his classes, ....what is the consequence? If he is unable to do the work required, then he needs to be a man, go to the counseling office and figure out what accommodations he needs to do this on his own. It is his responsibility. He is treating you like his mommy.
If you do Everything else, so that he can go to school, he needs to go and perform like the rest of us. Don't give him a free ride on your back. You are doing him no favors if all he has learned is to manipulate you into doing it for him.

And of course there is no sexual feeling. Between his meds and the role he has cast you in, mommy, that would kill even the strongest sex drive.

Don't give up, you sound smart and very capable, just beaten down right now. You are not alone! Many of us really do get it, and struggle with some of the very same issues. Keep writing. I'd love to hear how you are doing... Women need to stick together in these trying times.

[Koko2]

Unemployed people often are expected by their employed housemates to carry the load at home, and employers frown on any gaps in one's employment history as though one is just sitting around doing nothing at home all day which is opposite of the truth. Hang in there. Hope you get a job soon.

[hamster-bamster]

Tufan,

Can you stop not only helping him with school, but also doing his laundry? I realize that you cannot stop cleaning and cooking for yourself and the kids.

In essence you have stopped giving him the benefit of the doubt. You have resolved to leave him to avoid the misery. But if you stop part of the misery right now, he might grow up to the point at which you will not need to leave him so badly. At least it is worth trying.

Quietly - go see the best divorce attorney in your area available. Learn your options. I've been there. x

[Rose3]

Hi Tufan - it is my belief that you will find or create a job. You can make changes in your life.

[adam_k]

I have been in a similar situation. Taking care and helping someone do things they should be doing for themselves. My advice is to learn to set boundaries even if it means that significant other falls on their face. Marriage is about give and take and having someone in your corner. It shouldn't be about having someone do what you are responsible for.

Have you told him how unhappy you are? In a direct way. Or have you told him what you want him to do to feel better about your marriage?

Some people constantly fail, lack ambition and need a fixer in their life. They tax the other person so much that the spend more time fixing the spouses problems than taking care of theirself.

If things are beyond repair then you have to take care of yourself and your needs first.

[HourHand]

You have my complete and utter sympathy. My situation went on so long that I told him "I can't push, pull, carry, or drag you any farther" and I didn't. The decades long circle jerk of the passive aggressive (which I didn't know I was in) stopped because ***I STOPPED***. yay!

I just quit. Yes, I did. Worked too, and it is still working. You would not believe the short circuiting that went on when I quit playing my role.

Had to do something, as you know, it's a bad, bad place to be.

Thankfully you're waking up and will do something to help yourself now.

God bless.

HourHand.

[tufan]

I want to thank everyone for the kind words and encouragement. I feel like the darkness has been lifted off of me...somewhat. You guys here are a lifesaver. I hope I can give back to this community everything that you have given to me, which is hope and inspiration. Believe me, words may seem like such small, insignificant things, but they can move mountains (or storm clouds). Since I really have a spotty support system (best friend is a fellow depressed introvert and my mother is aging and senile), you all here have been like a beacon of light to me. I appreciate it. Thanks again.

I probably need to be medicated, but I'm trying to make do with diet/exercise, positive thoughts (ha!), Buddhism, music, studies that actually interest me, and a nice home atmosphere. I grow a ton of plants and just looking at my little indoor jungle cheers me up some days. I'm considering making an appt. very soon to see a psychologist and see if he or she recommends anything more.

He has been kissing my bottom lately, and I suspect that is only to keep me placated. I did a psych paper for him that got him a 98%, got a 100% on one of his quizzes and a 90% on another. This was just skimming the material. I know that he can do this if he actively studies! He takes the book with him to work, and I wonder what he does with it? We (lol) are learning about methods of conditioning, and I wonder if I am conditioning him to rely too much upon me for anything that requires cognition? What does he do at work when something requires thought and study? The way his ego needs fed, I'm having a difficult time imagining that he just lets it fall to the wayside.

Part of me feels like I failed myself by marrying him. Now, am I also enabling him to fail himself? I really understand that we all have our strengths and weaknesses, but shouldn't we strive to get better at what we are weak at? I got better at maths by constant study and application. He claims that he "is just not good at book smarts" (his exact words, but he signed up for college courses. Sigh), but he managed to complete a very intensive military course to attain high NCO rank. No one did his work there...or did they? I'm starting to wonder, what is black and what is white.

I enjoy study, but only topics that interest me and that at my own pace. Therefore, I never went to college. Honestly, I had a phobia of it because as a kid, I was pushed so hard to go and it seemed so impossible. So, I rebelled by saying screw that. Looks like college found me anyhow, so you win college! You win! I've been an independent scholar since, studying everything but mastering nothing. And I was happy with that. Smart enough to help my son and his friends master algebra, but too lackadaisical to apply that in a college setting. Now, I am being used for my brain and I greatly dislike and resent that. I have had to put my own projects aside to assist him for the next 16 weeks. Still, part of me feels some obligation. I pity him because he won't even give himself the benefit of the doubt and TRY. He wanted this for himself! I just can't even understand his rationale...

Gosh...sorry for the ramble. Going to try and keep myself on an even keel. I feel the mojo, the inner guidance directing me. I know I must make a plan to go. We've simply grown apart as far as I can see. I see an end to this. It won't be forever. I made a mistake in my stupid youth. Now, I have to learn some lessons. The irony.

[arachnophobia.kid]

Have you talked to him about all the things you've told us here?

[tufan]

Originally Posted by arachnophobia.kid

Have you talked to him about all the things you've told us here?

Yes. Many times and many ways, some ways I am not very proud of too. I'm no angel. I have raised my fair share of hell since he has been acting this way. I need to get help for that because I don't like to be so angry all the time like I am. I have to fight the anger to stay 'normal'.

[HourHand]

tufan, please be careful. Anger/rage and the *** kissing is part of the cycle or dance as I call it. You need to break that think like a cheap plate. Shatter it and don't go back.

Find a different way to handle your issues. Do not keep treading those well worn paths because you will only keep digging yourself in deeper. You know the drill, if you keep doing what you've always done, you will always get what you've always got.

You want change, right?

Anger and rage were a part of my own cycle and it was used against me. I was manipulated by my husband by his passive aggressive bs into being pissed off. Then he would get to feel self righteous because he didn't have an anger problem.

Watch your actions and your husbands actions for manipulative tricks. See how he is getting you to do things for him and just for the fun of it, don't do it. Or mix it up and make him function for you, tit for tat or something.

Just want you to start looking at things objectively and maybe you can fix it so you feel better about things.

HourHand

[tufan]

Originally Posted by HourHand

You want change, right?

HourHand

Yes indeed. That's why I am leaving him. I am beyond done. I am going to buy me a good dog and live somewhere in the 'hood if I have to just to make the rent, but I'll be fine. I know I can't stay here. You're right...here, nothing will change. I see that.

Right now, he's panicking because he knows it's a wrap. We deal with each other on a friend/room mate level and nothing more. I do that civil routine mostly for the kids because I'd be content to scratch at his eyeballs every time he came into my general vicinity, I swear. Just got to stay sane and keep cool until I get out.