[mtander]

Hi everyone,

Does anyone have strategies to deal with the following? My boyfriend and I have been dating about 3 1/2 years. His father is 70 years old and comes from a very different background and generation. He says highly offensive things, like calling my friend a b****, calling me an a**h***, and using the n word a LOT. If you plainly ask him to stop, he is likely to keep doing it even more. He uses a joking tone, so he doesn't consider it offensive. We only visit about every month or two so it's not like I have to deal with it all the time, but it does get old. I'm not going to stop coming because he's so old anyway he honestly won't be around forever, and I love seeing my boyfriend's mother who is as sweet as can be.

The one thing that worries me the most is if/when I have kids--I would not want them exposed to this environment. For myself, I get annoyed but I am an adult and I can move on and try not to get too upset. But I would feel differently if I had young children. What are the strategies you would use?

[Marshellette]

First of all speak to him in a polite way about how offensive his language is because he may not be aware of it and hope that it stops. In-laws could be a contention point for you and your boyfriend. Also tell your boyfriend that your father in-laws language offends you.

[eternaldamnation]

Originally Posted by mtander

Hi everyone,

Does anyone have strategies to deal with the following? My boyfriend and I have been dating about 3 1/2 years. His father is 70 years old and comes from a very different background and generation. He says highly offensive things, like calling my friend a b****, calling me an a**h***, and using the n word a LOT. If you plainly ask him to stop, he is likely to keep doing it even more. He uses a joking tone, so he doesn't consider it offensive. We only visit about every month or two so it's not like I have to deal with it all the time, but it does get old. I'm not going to stop coming because he's so old anyway he honestly won't be around forever, and I love seeing my boyfriend's mother who is as sweet as can be.

The one thing that worries me the most is if/when I have kids--I would not want them exposed to this environment. For myself, I get annoyed but I am an adult and I can move on and try not to get too upset. But I would feel differently if I had young children. What are the strategies you would use?

i'd buy him a Summer's Eve Douche...

then wrap it up like a present, and get a greeting card to go with it. in the card, write him a message telling him to knock off the crap already and clean up his language. try to make it as humorous, loving and serious as you can. then buy him some chocolate covered strawberries or something, or whatever his favorite treat is, to take away whatever sting there may be in totally owning him. you can turn it into an evening party with the family, the nicest butt-kicking intervention there could possibly be. be playful about it. he seems to think he's being humorous or playful in the way he talks, so this should be right up his ally, his perfect cup of tea.

his age is no permission to be crude and offensive.

[youlleatamuffin]

Honestly, there's no excuse for that kind of behaviour...even if he tries to disguise it as 'funny'.

I personally think it's all about boundaries. Assert and stick to them. If he can't/won't respect them, then it's time to have a serious word with him. You shouldn't have to put up with such bile.

Give him one last warning that you will not tolerate the language. The next time he crosses your boundary, leave the room. Keep leaving the room everytime it happens. He might get the point or he might not...but at least you've made it clear.