[catsrhelm]

My husband and I recently had an arguement. I really called him on the carpet because of some recent abusive behavior. I let him know that he was being abusive and it was not appreciated. However, I still suspect something triggered the abusive behavior, some issue perhaps.
My question is, how do I get my husband to open up to me first? In the past when he had problems, he'd go to a female friend first, and then tell me all about it. I'd like to know what they are doing that I am not.

[Webgoji]

Well, it sounds like an "emotional affair" is one thing that they are doing. Also, abuse is a deal-breaker. But back to your question ...

From my own experience, I don't open up because if I do my feelings will be invalidated. As in I end up having to apologize for my feelings rather than having the other party respond with something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way. What can we do to address those feelings?" So maybe you could look at how you react when someone does try to open up and attempt to address the situation without invalidating or judging to other person?

Originally Posted by catsrhelm

My husband and I recently had an arguement. I really called him on the carpet because of some recent abusive behavior. I let him know that he was being abusive and it was not appreciated. However, I still suspect something triggered the abusive behavior, some issue perhaps.
My question is, how do I get my husband to open up to me first? In the past when he had problems, he'd go to a female friend first, and then tell me all about it. I'd like to know what they are doing that I am not.

Well, not sure if this fits to your husband, but I stopped talking to my GF about my feelings because she doesn't really care about how I feel. Maybe you once said something which could give that feeling.

There could be so much reasons why he isn't opening to you. Here you get some:

1.
Maybe your husband thinks it might annoy you if he's talking to much about his problems. Not very likely, but possible.

2.
Might be, that your husband just wants to be the perfect guy to you. I think men with problems aren't that attractive. I guess that would be a lot more likely if your realationship just started very recently, but it is still possible.

3.
Which is the most likely is, that he just got problems to talk to somebody like his wife about problems. He could be thinking that you might judge him for what he thinks like. This is the reason why I can't talk to my friends about my problems. I just think something might change and they'll stop to like me. Maybe he just doesn't want you to know cause he's afraid of that.

I'm pretty sure there are so much more reasons why he isn't opening. Just told you how I react when I got problems. But what do I know? I'm just pretty young.

I wish you the best!

[BonnieG2010]

there is nothing so complicated as human relationships.

i'd say that it can be healthy that husband and wife do not know everything about one another, but only the important things.

i have no idea what you husband says to his friend, but as long as it works i wouldn't try to open that up, in case it would break.

you might want to let him know that you are there for him and that you'd love to support him in any way, tho stating clearly that abusive behaviors are nor acceptable. never.

[catsrhelm]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

Well, it sounds like an "emotional affair" is one thing that they are doing. Also, abuse is a deal-breaker. But back to your question ...

From my own experience, I don't open up because if I do my feelings will be invalidated. As in I end up having to apologize for my feelings rather than having the other party respond with something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way. What can we do to address those feelings?" So maybe you could look at how you react when someone does try to open up and attempt to address the situation without invalidating or judging to other person?

The problem is from my own experience, my husband doesn't seem to want to open up to me period about any feelings. He went through a period of depression, and the only way I knew that he was depressed was that he was very mopey. I am bi-polar so I know what it is like to feel depressed. Still, thanks for the insight, it does give me something to think about.

[catsrhelm]

Originally Posted by BonnieG2010

there is nothing so complicated as human relationships.

i'd say that it can be healthy that husband and wife do not know everything about one another, but only the important things.

i have no idea what you husband says to his friend, but as long as it works i wouldn't try to open that up, in case it would break.

you might want to let him know that you are there for him and that you'd love to support him in any way, tho stating clearly that abusive behaviors are nor acceptable. never.

He opened up to these friends about the way he feels about our son's autism. To me that is a big issue that should stay between husband and wife, even if you two are not on the same page when it comes to grieving. But I will try letting him know that I am there for him, and hopefully it will help, even if he chooses not to open up.