Mothers

I read so many posts about not having a supportive and "healthy" relationships with their mothers which got me thinking. I was very fortunate that I had an amazing mother that was taken way too soon. I was with her when she took her last breath after succumbing to cancer at the age 53.

That was almost 15 s ago when my children were very young (my youngest wasn't born yet). It seems like every day somebody at work complains about their mothers. The are all people that have very involved parents. Some babysit every day so they can work and not pay a sitter. when they complain all I can do is quietly cry so that nobody notices. All I want to do is remind him how fortunate that they have their mothers around and their children have their grandparents!!

Sorry about the vent.

First let me say, I am sorry for your loss
But not everyone is fortunate/lucky enough to have/had loving/caring/attentive/giving/nuturing parents.

Sometimes the relationship is just complicated. Especially true with mothers and daughters. It can take a long time to get through it but it doesn't mean she doesn't care about her mother. If her mother is babysitting there is probably a very different interaction that you don't get to see. It must be awful to take.

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Me and my mother have always had an up-and-down relationship.

I don't consider myself fortunate to have my mother around. Unfortunately those of us with abusive parents experience a very different world than the OP. Undoubtedly my life would have been BETTER if my mother had died at some point in childhood. I would have been delivered from the he'll of living with someone who was cruel, selfish, and mentally ill. When she dies I won't grieve. I will feel as I did when my dad died, relief. Relief that the cruelty is gone, relief that I have escaped the torture of wondering why they could not love me..

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(((notrustin)))

I have a different reaction, to a different angle. My mom, was 54. That was 4 years ago. My children, may or may not carry memories,,themselves. We were close, at same time, prior to her illness, which took her rather quickly, I'd been working on cutting the apron strings, and working on asserting my own boundaries, independence: don't get me wrong, it was an important step forward, into my own growth.
I can tolerate and appreciate, when other women complain. The harder part for me, which isn't as big a shock factor, for me now. Is seeing grown women, out with their moms. Used to choke me up. Getting better about it.



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I'm terribly sorry for your loss. That must be horrible for you.

However, not everyone does has a wonderful mom and while you can react to hearing people complain about their mothers and mourn the way you need to, remember that you might not have the full story.

Honestly, if my mom were to die tomorrow, I'd be mostly just be pissed that her life insurance would go to my dad and I'd be annoyed that I'd be expected to go to her funeral because I don't have the time to fly out there and I really REALLY do not want to see my dad. But emotionally my life would probably be a lot better to be totally honest provided that somehow I'm able to figure out how money will be handled. And that sounds really awful but I don't care. I hate her and I hate how people who don't know my life always say "oh you're just rebelling. You'll be close with your mom again someday". I never was close to her, I never will be close to her, and I wish I could live my entire life without ever hearing her voice again

I'm so sorry for your loss of your mother.

Since our daughter was born my parents have been nothing but a pain in the neck trying to tell us what to do & when to do it. We moved away from them & it's been pretty good without them interfering with our daily living. As I use to have a close relationship with them but not anymore because of all the heartache they had created for me over the years. I barely talk / sms or email them now because of this & to be honest I feel a lot better off without them (SORRY TO BE BLUNT). My parents & I use to be close until my younger brother's mining accident of which we did loose him but that was the straw that broke the camels back for me. As for my brother's daughter - she was very loved by all that knew her but the tables had turned for me for my daughter because it seemed my parents didn't want a bar of us unless we listened & obeyed them not to be making up our own minds on what we should do & not do. It really annoyed me when they weren't living far enough apart from them & now we do it's a relief not to be listening to them.

Have you had a family counsel and set boundaries with your parents? Your parents had their time of raising their children. They are done. This is your child. You make the decisions. Family support is important. But, it would be good if you and your husband decided together (in private) what the boundaries are before you talk to your parents. For example, your parents should never "correct" your parenting "mistakes" in front of your children.

I'm sorry that you miss your mother and had her taken away from you so soon. That is really hard.

I understand how you can feel jealous of other people complaining about their mothers as it would be a reminder that you CAN'T complain about yours as she isn't there.

But don't be jealous or upset with them because their parents are there taking part in their lives. Just because they're there, doesn't mean that it's a good relationship. If I ever had kids, my mom would be RIGHT in there trying to raise them... and I know that she would not have any respect for my parenting style or boundaries. Other people would probably view her as fantastic, but for me, it would just be a continuation of the way I was treated growing up, combined with the likely exposure of my children to me being disrespected. While she would look on the outside to be an absolutely great mother... she isn't.

Not everyone you hear complaining about their mom's are doing so without reason. A lot of them probably have very valid reasons for it, and it's ok to mourn your own mom when you hear their complaints. Just try not to be resentful for them. Some of us would be grateful to have had even ten years of having a good mother, instead of the many many years that we've had with mothers who make our lives a lot more difficult.