[pickwick6]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi all,

Thanks for reading my post. I feel like this is a 911 emotional emergency..

My 29 yr old daughter has many issues and I have tried for many years to be there and help but now I am lost. In October, a hookup with her 55 yr old supervisor led to what she calls a relationship and I call blatant abuse of power. My daughter has not seen her father in 15 years and this man is almost her father's age. She refuses to deal with her issues of abandonment with her father despite having been in and out of therapy for years . All her relationships, including a 7 year abusive relationship which she still cannot completely detach from, have been disastrous and she always comes to me when things fall apart.

Yesterday, she told me they were talking about marriage. She also told me that he just last week went to court to divorce his 3rd wife... so she would be wife #4... Of course the reason's the marriages fell apart were all the women's faults..

Also, he has gone from saying he doesn't want children to saying he does, He does not have a relationship with his own 28 year old daughter, claiming his ex-wife poisoned the well..

She refuses to see any red flags in this relationship and we argue whenever we talk. She has no respect for me and yells viciously at me.

I feel like I need to do something to stop this... it's tearing me up and affecting my physical health.

Thanks again for reading this...

[marmaduke]

Your daughter is 29 and a adult. You cannot control who she sees.
This relationship does not sound good to me especially when this man is so much older and has been married 3 times before.
But what can you do? Nothing much. Make it clear you disapprove, and give her your reasons why. Then, leave it, don't nag, you will just drive her away.
Support her when she needs you, listen if she wants to talk, just be there for her.
Its hard when you care for her so much, and you can see she is making a mistake, but realistically you cannot stop her.

[punkybrewster6k]

As a mama its hard to watch your daughter make the choices she makes.
The hardest part is to give her advice she needs but does not listen to.
Even harder, is to realize you have no control over the situation. You really dont.
(((hugs))) I wish I could give you better answers but I cant.

[pickwick6]

Thank you, marmaduke and Punkybrewster.. I do understand what the limits are and my role as her mom... I have been the only parent in her life for 15 years. At the age of 11 she was hospitalized with anorexia and issues and issues and issues going forward. She has come to me for every little thing from having a spider in her bathroom to her (still in the picture) ex abusive boyfriend's suicide attempt. I have always been there. The thing is, that I literally have no more ability to cope with her stuff.. so this is more about me, and how I can get though this without falling into depression or major anxiety. My support system is my 31 year old son, and we have both been at the mercy of her moods and bad decisions for so long. I just don't know how to watch her self-destruct yet again.

[punkybrewster6k]

Well you have come to the right place for support.
Post away. Whatever you need to write.
It is physically exhausting and emotionally draining. I know.
Do you see a Therapist(T)?

[marmaduke]

I know you love your daughter. Perhaps its time you 'switched off' to some extent you have done your best. Be there, if she needs you but 'let go' of responsibility for her otherwise you will make yourself ill, and then you will be no good for her, your son or yourself.

[pickwick6]

Thank you punkybrewster and marmaduke....again!
It is hard to detach but I am trying...
I have talked to therapists over the years, some good, some not so good...
It's great to have found support here...

[punkybrewster6k]

Originally Posted by pickwick6

Thank you punkybrewster and marmaduke....again!
It is hard to detach but I am trying...
I have talked to therapists over the years, some good, some not so good...
It's great to have found support here...

I think the word for the day is "boundaries".
There are some very good books that are helpful when it comes to family members and boundaries. Of course I cant think of them right now.
If you have insurance, getting a T just to learn how to have boundaries is a good idea too.

Sent from my SCH-S720C using Tapatalk 2

[DemiDeveraux]

I might be a little young to meddle in this. But I've seen a lot, so maybe this helps.

My niece was in this abusive relation with a guy in france. He was just a horrible person and everyone could see it, except her. My aunt kindof tried everything possible to make her stop seeing that guy. NOTHING helped. Untill my grandmother told her to turn things around and all of a sudden be VERY interested in the relationship. Be approving! Invite him over all the time. This was a very big step for my aunt because she feared it would make things worse and get her to grow even closer to this guy. But what happened was, that my niece got very confused about this. She ended up dumping him because there was no "resistance" from her parents anymore.

So if you have tried everything possible and nothing helps, you might just consider taking it from a different angle. Resistance makes relationships exciting. It is probably because of the danger, she is attracted to his guy. This is very hard to understand, because there is nothing logical about this. But in some situations, when there is no resistance left, you can start seeing flaws.

Remember that I'm not saying this WILL help, because it is not always the solution.
I do hope you find the right one!

Love, Demi

[pickwick6]

Thank you, Demi! I am glad for everyone involved in your niece's situation that your Grandmother's strategy worked... It makes sense ... I don't know if I am strong enough to use that technique, but I will certainly give it lots of thought. I haven't heard from my daughter in almost a week and she always checks in daily... I'm concerned about her but for now think I need to give us both some space. Your kind and thoughtful response makes it a bit easier.

(((Hug)))

[Kindheart17]

We can't control other people. Unfortunately she will have to fall to learn the lessons. I say this cause I'm going through the same myself right now. My last two relationships were abusive and I ended up the same broken and alone. Sadly. You only learn from painful mistakes. So sorry. :hugs

[justbeingme80]

This must be very difficult for you and I can see that you care very much for your daughter and only want the best for her. She is an adult and with that comes the part about her being able to make her own decisions.

I don't know if you've heard of the concept of "detaching with love", but it makes a lot of sense. If you google this, you'll find a host of information about it. There's a pretty good article on the Huffington Post website that should pop up with a few tips. Some of the articles out there are related to chemical dependency, but the concept is still the same. I think there's even a book with the same title.

How does your daughter's decisions make you feel?

I think you need to find peace within yourself, even with your daughter's decisions. Even if they're bad decisions. Just let her know you'll always be there for her. You can't protect her from the world forever. Detaching is hard, but I think it would help you with this situation.

[pickwick6]

Thanks, justbeingme... I googled "detach with love" and there is lots of info out there and it is very helpful. The concept is familiar, and I have made efforts along those lines in the past. I've set boundaries that get crossed and then usually a cooling off period follows. I have let her know that I do not want to hear a word about him... he's 26 years older than she is and just ended his third marriage. He has "love bombed" her and she believes every single thing he says. She has never had a healthy romantic relationship.
I do not want to meet this man... the thought of him makes my skin crawl. I'm not usually immovable, but I feel I just cannot attend a wedding if there is one. She tells me she is happy but her actions and complaints about life in general don't support that statement. When my kids were younger I read Gibran's "About Children" to them... "your children are not your children, they are the sons and daughter's of life's longing for itself..." but it seems I cannot live up to that in this situation. She's desperate for a man's love, a family of her own, a home and she's about to turn 30. It's that this man appears to be a predator that scares me the most.....