[lovebug14]

I've been thru so many relationships... this last one was supposed to be it. He pursued me like crazy, while I had my guard up for a while, eventually I gave in at his persistence. So we moved in together, talked of marriage and kids. I knew him for a couple of years before dating.. he was a self-proclaimed commitment-phobe.. so I wasn't interested in dating him. But it's flattering when a handsome, well-off guy pursues you... he was very convincing that he was in it for the long-haul. I know he wasn't trying to intentionally mislead me ..but that's exactly what he did. He was supposed to be my friend.. and he'd say I was his best friend. But almost overnight we were over.. yes we had some issues but I thought we were in love and were going to work on communication, boundaries, etc.. we were so compatible in so many ways.. not a perfect match but I'm not expecting perfection. Anyway, the bottom line is that he doesn't really know who he is and he has been hiding from himself for a long time - hiding out in relationships, med school, being busy constantly... so he's going to find himself. Great, good for him.
The problem is that I am so tired of being the catalyst for guys to improve themselves - I don't want anymore emotionally unavailable, broken men.. I want a whole, healthy, mature man who knows himself and what he wants. I don't know why this is so hard.
I'm depressed now. Fatigued and despondent. It's so hard to invest in someone, to trust them, just to have it fall apart over and over. And at this rate I don't know if I'll ever find anyone. I really loved him. I do know how to love. I don't need him. But I do want a mate. I'm tired of getting involved wasting a year to several years and then having it end. This one was different though, on a day to day basis I was really happy, he seemed happy but it was just an act. I like a lot about myself and my life but surely there still must be unhealed wounds in me for me to be continually attracting emotionally unavailable (and often selfish, narcissistic) men.
Why is it so hard?

[Melodic]

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. Emotions are extremely powerful and volatile, to the point that when we are in pain many would wish they could feel nothing. And love can be amazing, but it can also hurt like crazy. I don't think anyone deserves to be emotionally neglected and the realisation that someone who loved and cared about you actually doesn't anymore must be one of the most heartbreaking things to feel.

Perhaps the reason we attract emotionally unavailable men is because we feel we do not deserve any better. The more neglected we are, the more we truly believe we are not worth to be shown love and affection. Maybe we are drawn to them because it would be so abnormal to be shown what we deserve.

The only thing I can suggest is to try to take time out completely from relationships and try to work on yourself. It's easier said than done; some of us just have inherent feelings of low self-esteem, but I believe to love yourself first would attract a loving and affectionate mate. And I guess with each experience we learn to look out for red flags and hopefully avoid making the same mistakes in the future - though of course be wary of those who put effort in initially, where their true colours eventually shine through.

[Little Lulu]

So sorry lovebug - (((hugs))).

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by lovebug14

I want a whole, healthy, mature man who knows himself and what he wants.

((((lovebug)))) it's hard out there. Have you been in therapy before, to help you learn to find the patterns of your past, and how to look for flags, to not waste any more years?

Why, would boundaries be brought in, a couple years into the relationship, not from the get go?

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[StuckinRut]

I can strongly relate to what you have written. My relationships all seem to have followed a particular pattern. I'm now at a point where I have little energy to begin the whole process again. I also feel that time is against me. In my view the other respondents have made many good points. I think it is necessary to change ourselves before we can hope to attract a different kind of person, and thus more stable, long lasting relationships. I guess that potential partners pick-up on subtle clues in our behaviour. Unfortunately this probably has the effect of filtering people, in such a way that the pattern is destine to repeat. I've now decided to embark on counselling. It will probably take a while, but I think it will help in the end.

[lovebug14]

Thank you all. I appreciate the kind words. Stuckinrut, I have little energy too anymore for love. Each time it takes more out of me. This time I really thought it was going to be different because I knew him as a friend, I expressed to him that my last relationship took a lot out of me (was w/a bonafide narcissist) and that I was healthy and in a good place but that I couldn't bear to go through any more heartache.. so I said essentially, be careful with my heart. I thought he got the message and I trusted him. He is a good guy in many ways - very kind, thoughtful, and generous.. so I know he didn't intentionally hurt me he just is emotionally stunted (he agrees with this fact - not just my evaluation). I have done therapy over the years, I've gotten to a place where I felt at ease in the world, happy w/ who I am... but the old abandonment issues still keep haunting me. Maybe it's not all me though, maybe it's just that I had envisioned a healthy, happy relationship where we had a friendship as a foundation.... and he just happened to be stunted and lost... Which is fine, but the thing that upsets me the most is that he misrepresented who he was and what he wanted. I feel betrayed.
The thing was we seemed to have a good relationship, at least a good foundation, people said they thought we were great together.. that we looked so happy and natural together. Both at the age where marrying seems right (not that that really matters).
We are, I suppose the anxious and avoidant types, me being the anxious one obviously. The more he pulls away the more I push for closeness.. it's an awful and draining and humiliating pattern...makes me feel so weak. I really was strong, I felt, before I got involved w/ him. Now I have to pick up the pieces again.
The stress has taken a toll on my health too, I just feel weak, I know it's partly depression but I know my adrenals are tired too.
So here I am, tired and alone.. in addition to the overwhelming fatigue and loneliness, I really have no idea now what I am doing with my life. I'm in a small-ish town and even though I own my own home I'm probably going to have to leave.. limited work available and dating prospects rare. And this is quite sad because I love my home and my town, I have pets and it'd be hard to move (moving seems close to impossible right now w/ the fatigue and depression).. but I'm just wasting my life away here. It all seems kind of pointless.
Thanks again for the kindness. This is probably a rambling post, indicative of my foggy, confused brain right now.

[lovebug14]

I totally agree about the subtle clues that we pick up on one another... I most often pick avoidants.. they are the type most attractive to me. I hate it, it seems like a curse.

Boundaries.. we just needed to work on them I'd say because we moved in too quickly ..a lot of change in a short amount of time ..we had to learn to adjust to living in close proximity and all that entails

[x_BabyG_x]

I'm so sorry lovebug. It happens to all of us. We are just victims in their cruel games. But you will come out even stronger than you are as the result of all of this, we improve ourselves also with each bullet we take. Xx

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