How to deal with guys who are too attached to their families

Two summers ago, I dated a guy who was moving to China. I can understand why his parents wanted to see him more, but it was excessive. They would come into town all the time last minute and so my ex would just cancel our plans. I was at the whim of his parents. My ex and I got into trouble having sex outside and so we had court stuff. His parents would come to court even though he told them a million times that it made me uncomfortable. They said, "If she's comfortable having sex outside, then she should be comfortable with us there." They would do things like invite me out to lunch with them and then run errands with me there so I was stuck with them. I felt disrespected and not important. This ex sympathized slightly though. I ended up breaking up wit him days before he left because I was so sick of his parents butting in.

Now, I am moving to China. I've been seeing a guy 6 years older than me who lives an hour away. He comes in to see me every week and also visits his brothers who live here too, which I have no problem with. However, he made me angry last week when he was late taking me to work because he got "caught up" with his brother. This week, I exchanged a shift and drove a rental car up to spend Saturday with him (I had to take the GRE there the day before). He had all of these plans for us and told me to come over at noon and then we'd go after he got caffeinated. I get there and then he told me that his brother was unexpectedly in town so there were stopping by and then we'd all go to a market. He said that it wouldn't be for long and so I told him that I'd have one of my friends meet us there. We were at the house for 4 HOUrS and he knew that I was irritated because I told him. Our 9 hour day turned into a 4 hour day and the museum that he was going to take me to was closed. He doesn't think that I have any right to be upset and that people with kids (his brother has a toddler) spend more time "stopping by" nd that I jus have to accept that. I feel like he has no consideration for my time and thinks that it is my job to just follow him as he does whatever he wants. He accused me of trying to make things too serious.

What really gets me is that the following day, his brothers and him went on a 4 day trip. How often does someone need to see their freaking family?!

I'm starting to feel that this is hopeless and that he is just too self-absorbed and can't cut his umbilical cord. I'm reluctant to break it off because I'm sick of being single ALL OF The TIME and I'm going to be very lonely in China for the first few months. i don't want to be a doormat though. Should I just break it off and deal with being lonely, depressed, and bored? It was awful feeling that way before My friends and I don't like the same stuff anymore.

Why does this keep happening? >_<

Did you still have the rental car that afternoon? Could you have left to meet your friend at the market? Are you looking at this long term or short term? A guy who spends time with family and kids could give you free time instead of leaving you tied down to the house all the time. But it doesnt sound like he is much more than a place filler at this point. You havent really said anything about why you like him in particular.

I still had the car that afternoon. I would have left if I would have known that it would have taken that long. He just told me that we were about to leave over and over again. If I would have known that he wasn't being sincere, I would have left as soon as my friend got to the market. We live in two different cities, so I have plenty of time to myself.

We have fun together and like lots of the same stuff. We both share our art together and have pretty good conversations. His dad died of an opiate OD a year after my sister did, so we understand each other well in that regard. It isn't the most engaging relationship (ish) that I've had, but I still care about him and look forward to seeing him.

Oh, and I'm looking at this short term.

My first H was his mommy's little boy (an only child). With my first bf, there was also that problem of his being attached to his mother too much. I think that for the short term, it is up to you, and I don't recommend this long term, but you have already figured that out, right?

Do be aware that Chinese families are more tight-knit than their American counterparts.

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I've dated plenty of mommy's boys. I don't get it. I'm the baby of the family and a complete daddy's girl. My sister died and so my parents have given me much more attention than before. However, my parents raised me to be independent and we're happy even though we only see each other every couple of months. I've thanked my parents for respecting my space.

Can anyone give any advice on how to handle this? It is infuriating!

How to handle having a series of similar situations or your current one?

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Perhaps emotionally back off just a little? Think like a guy. If he's available then do stuff. If he's not, then consider that to be fine too.

Relax and enjoy what you have...even though it's not ideal. No expectations.

If you're only looking short-term, then I have to say it's probably in his best interests to put his relationship with his family over his relationship with you... because his family will always be a part of his life. If he accused you of trying to make things too serious, then he's also aware of the short-term potential.. so why on earth would he put his partner's needs over his own desires? People are pretty selfish like that.

Don't get me wrong, it still sucks that he didn't consider YOUR time at all. That isn't fair of anyone.

Also... if I was to find someone's family dynamics to be not-suitable to myself.. I would have to seriously reconsider the relationship. People are veeerrrry unlikely to change their relationships with their family and any attempt to do so will likely end up with resentment. True, people need to learn and accommodate their partners. And that's a valid thing to point out. But if someone is pretty much totally enmeshed with their family? Chances are, they're not going to change.

Should I just leave?

Well its only for a few months. I learned to play cards and wear Mary Kay makeup for my first husbands huge family. Thats part of what helped me decide to change my marital status. It took me a while to realize that people chose how they wanted to live, that there wasnt one right way as my family tried to tell me. Which in my familys case, was minimal interaction. I would use this time to see HOW you would fit in as a sisterinlaw and see if it makes you happy. Whether its with this guy or not. Some families are closer than others. I for one have never had lunch alone with my brothers 3rd wife. His 2nd wife and i were lets say much closer. We shared a gyno.

I want to stay because it's only for 8 more weeks. However, in the same vein, do I want to be so stressed? What is worse--being lonely or stressed?

You're right though. I should treat this as a learning experience. I don't want to get married without knowing what I want from a partner. Maybe he can help me learn.

I want to stay because it's only for 8 more weeks. However, in the same vein, do I want to be so stressed? What is worse--being lonely or stressed?

You're right though. I should treat this as a learning experience. I don't want to get married without knowing what I want from a partner. Maybe he can help me learn.

i like that you get (i think) how weird things were for me with all these people!