[stuck*in*the*middle]

I'm 15 and I don't know what to do anymore. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year, he just turned 16. I love him so much and know we will be together forever. But he hates my parents because they try to control our relationship and he says they are ruining it. We like to just be together the two of us and they think we should do separate stuff with our friends still and think we are too "serious". My mom has said that she worries that he is a little controlling because he is always texting me and wants to be with me and gets mad if he doesn't get what he wants and is too impatient. It's not just him, I want to text him all the time and see him too. So it gets me mad when she tries to talk to me about that. She doesn't understand that he gets mad because his parents always give in to him.

My parents have rules and he says he can't accept them and gets mad that I do. His parents don't have those rules so we can do what we want by his house. Chase told me that his mom said she thinks my parents are way too controlling and should let me grow up and that he is an A student, they should trust him because he has never done anything to make them not and she would be more than happy to tell my mom that. He said his dad always calls my mom and dad the bi*ch and a**hole. My parents don't know that and it kinda bothers me THEY talk that way about them too! My mom always checked with his parents before letting me go over there that they or one of them will be there and they always tell her, oh yeah we'll be here she can come. And they are, but she didn't know we can be alone there.

My Dad read my phone and found out about a lot of the dating rules that we've broken. Also that we sext and send pictures to each other and even that we've had sex already once. Then my parents set even more restrictions. I didn't plan on having sex that soon and wanted to wait until I was married or at least engaged but since I know we'll be together forever I changed my mind and said that yes, I wanted to. We haven't done it after that one time because I'm kinda scared to get pregnant AND my parents have to be with us now for him to see me. He says he will get condoms, but I want to wait until I can get enough courage to ask my mom if I can go on birth control so I'm completely sure I won't get pregnant.

I feel horrible because I know that all my friends have the same rules as me and that my parents really aren't being unreasonable or mean. I also know that I have taken advantage of their trust. No matter how I try to explain it he just doesn't get it. His parents just always let him have his way and do anything he wants. I'm getting tired of hearing mean things about my family or when he tries to get me to not talk to them, I love them and we have a really good family. But sometimes I too hate them when they won't let me do stuff with him. I keep telling my boyfriend it won't be forever, just until we are old enough to do what we want, but he doesn't think that he can handle that. I think he might have some anger issues because he gets mad at really stupid stuff besides my parents rules. He would never hurt me or anyone but he has yelled at both my mom and dad before and says it will happen again if they don't change their rules.

I am just really stuck in the middle. I will not break up with him, he says he needs me and loves me. I love him too much to ever break up but I feel really bad for my parents sometimes.

[kaliope]

hi stuck in the middle
hate to say it, but your boyfriend does have anger issues and this is going to cause problems for you in the future because that anger will be directed at you when he doesn't get his way. right now it is directed at your parents. he is being very disrespectful to your parents and if he loved you like he says he does, he would respect them and their rules as well. please please please do not have sex again unless you are protected. get the courage to ask your mother to put you on birth control. that is less embarrassing that having to tell your parents that you are pregnant. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

My guess is that your relationship is doomed.

1) Nobody should have to "give up" their family because a boyfriend can not adjust to them. And eventually that is what he would want.

2) You probably have traits similar to your parents (in SOME areas of your personality). So, if he hates them - at some point he will be more than annoyed by some of your traits. And you should NEVER change "who" you are for a guy.

3) At 15 - if he is that bull headed to not be more accepting - then he sounds kinda like a jerk (sorry).

Just my opinion. Do whatever you wish. And I truly wish you the best.

[hannabee]

You sound really smart and compassionate, your boyfriend, not so much! He and his Dad call your parents names and to me that is appalling. I have lots of advice, but you will not take it, not at this age and stage of your life, so all I can do is wish you luck. At some point you will realize that you only have one Mom and one Dad and they created you. You will have lots of boyfriends, of that I am certain and my hope is that you will dump this one.

[recentdiscovery]

Yeah, you love your parents and he should respect that and keep his comments to himself. But I understand you're both just kids and he probably hasn't developed that sense of awareness yet.

If it bothers you so much I would suggest just telling him that it does and let him know that's something you can't accept. If he can't respect your wishes now he is going against YOU not your parents. Do you want to be with someone who doesn't respect you? You have to speak up or he's going to run over you for as long as you're together. You will become resentful and you will hate him later, so might as well get it cleared up now so you don't waste your time.

Young love is so confusing. Hell old love is still confusing. Good luck.

[nicoleflynn]

You are young and your parents are trying to help you be safe. The last thing you need is to become pregnant. Your childhood would be over. I suggest professional help.......immediately, so you don't make some major mistakes.

[stuck*in*the*middle]

Thank you everyone for responding to me and giving your advise about my boyfriend. I did tell my boyfriend to please stop talking about my parents the way he does. He has pretty much stopped talking about them but he still gets mad if he knows I am doing something with them. I don't know, I guess he like wants me to be as mad at them as he is and wants me to not be near them. Like I should punish them or something by not talking to them. I can't do that. I just don't talk about them to him anymore.

I've thought about it alot and I'm really kinda upset with myself for having sex so soon. I mean I love him so much and know that's why I did it in the first place, but think maybe I should just wait until I'm older to do it again. It really hasn't been a problem because we weren't able to see each other for awhile. I finally got to see him again and he kept talking about how we can figure out to be together alone somewhere. I know why, and I told him I'm not ready to do that again. I also told him I am trying to rebuild my trust with my parents and am not going to get caught in another lie and be somewhere that I'm not supposed to be. He said yeah ok that's fine and that he didn't want to push me, but I could tell he was really upset because he just barely talked to me after that.

He just gets so upset, like he's depressed. I just want him to be the happy person I started going out with don't know how to do it. I also get afraid that he might hurt himself or start cutting or something if for some reason we did break up. I know being with me makes him happy. When we are together he's so happy, but when we are talking on the phone or texting, it's like he's a different person and always angry about something.

hannabee - Thank you saying you think I'm smart and compassionate, you said you have lots of advise for me that I wouldn't take because of my age. I would still like to know it if you don't mind telling me.

nicoleflynn - you said I should get professional help, do you mean like talk to my school counselor? I don't understand what I should be telling them. I don't see how she could help with my boyfriend not liking my parents rules.

Thanks again everyone :-)

[hamster-bamster]

To be blunt - believing that you and your first teenage boyfriend will be together forever is stupid. You sound like a really smart girl in the way you write, and that you hold on to such a naive belief creates a cognitive dissonance (meaning that one would expect a person who is showing your ability to reason to be more mature overall). As someone said above me, lots of boyfriends will come your way, but you only have one set of parents.

The bf sounds like a mean, controlling, condescending jerk, whose parents feed his ego. They said that because he is an A student, he cannot do anything wrong - rolled eyes and give me a break. Is he by any chance an only child of "overdoting" parents?

If he is at risk of cutting himself, you should direct him to mental health resources for teens, remembering that YOU ARE NOT A FREE MENTAL HEALTH RESOURCE FOR TEENS, ok?

And please re-read Romeo and Juliet. As my wise late mother used to say, there is nothing like parental feud to stoke the fire of young love.

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[SeekerOfLife]

I agree with UM. If you marry this guy someday you and he will be seeing alot of each others parents. They will be your family. They will tell you what to do. Etc.

[hannabee]

My advice would b to back off from him. He sounds like a boy my oldest daughter dated...self centered little *******!! After sex, at your age, I'm sorry to tell you that sex will now be his main focus and if you don't provide it, he will leave. That is just the way teenage boys are....NOTHING to do with you!! Don't fall into the trap of thinking that this is really love, it is not. It is lust and wild hormones and youth and everything else BUT love. Please please please..just focus on you and the rest of your life...your EDUCATION IS PARAMOUNT!!!! There is soooooooooooo much time yet to find the right MAN not boy, for you to spend the rest of your life with. Big hug!!!!

Oh my goodness, where to begin...

Teenaged boys are terrible anyway, but this one sounds like he will get worse as he gets older. To expect you, when you are only 15 (which, btw, is REALLY YOUNG to say you're going to be with this one person your entire life), to cut ties with your parents for him?? That, alone, is grounds for relationship termination, in my book.

My husband doesn't always like my family (I rarely do myself), but even when they are being completely asinine he is still respectful and tries to accept them. He has every reason to be hateful toward my parents (for reasons I shan't go into right now) but he isn't. And he certainly doesn't get mad at me when I want to visit them, with or without him.

This kid sounds like he's going to be bad news later on. He is controlling, unwilling to accept your parents' rules (which, from what I've read, aren't that bad), and he sounds like he's trying to push you into sex before you're ready.

There are SOOO many more things I want to say, but I'll stop here!

You should never have to change yourself for a guy, especially when you are so young. Please remember that.

[hamster-bamster]

I just want to add, based upon the correlations I have observed, that your bf is likely to go into fits of irrational jealousy later on.

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[Rose76]

Your boyfriend doesn't sound like all that nice of a guy. If you were in some kind of a real jam, you might find that your parents care a lot more about you than he does.

When he talks insultingly about your parents, he is testing your willingness to put up with that kind of talk. He is a controlling guy. He knows that, if he can undermine any loyalty you have to your parents, then all your loyalty will go to him. That's not normal, healthy thinking. Some day you are going to find out that this guy is not the great catch you think he is.

[stuck*in*the*middle]

I really want to thank everyone for your advice. I might not agree with all of it, but I have thought about what you have all said.

He broke up with me Monday. I'm so sad and confused. He said he loves me more than anything but he just can't deal with my parents rules. I still don't understand that, well kinda but if he loves me why should my parents rules make him not want to be with me?! All I do is sit in my room and cry, I haven't talked to any of my friends in so long and it just seems weird to just start talking to them again. And honestly I don't even want to talk to anyone now. I begged him not to break up with me because of this.

I mean if he didn't love me anymore... but because of my parents was stupid. He said once my parents lighten up we could get back together. Well I know that is not going to happen, especially with everything they know now. He still texts me and he just keeps talking about how my parents ruined everything and that is he is so depressed and angry but that he just can't be with me because of them. We see each other in school, he won't sit by me though and just looks at me.

I've told him so many times that he needs to talk to someone about his anger and depression stuff but he wont. He said maybe but only if I go too because basically it's mine and my parents fault that he's depressed and angry. My parents said absolutely not, I can't go to counseling with him. They think this is something with him that he needs to get under control and that I'm too young to mixed up in all of this. My parents and my sisters all keep saying oh this is for the best it wasn't meant to be, he wasn't the right one and I'm going to have plenty more boyfriends. I just don't think they understand, he is who I want to be with. I don't like any other boys and if I'm not with him I don't want another boyfriend. I know they love me and are only trying to help, but it is not helping. Part of me is mad at them and part of me is really hurt by him and the rest of me is just really confused.

[Rose76]

It is painful to go through the loss of a relationship that was important to you. If you got back with him, that threat would be hanging over your head forever. It's "his way, or the highway." You can do better than that. He would give you a miserable life. Get back with your friends. It sounds like he didn't like them either.

This guy is not looking for a girl to love. He is looking for a girl to control, with no interference from anyone. You are very lucky that there are people in your life who do interfere.

[healingme4me]

He already pushed you, to overstep your principles. You had desired to wait until marriage, where's the respect in a mere verbal promise. People who love us, respect the things that matter to us.

Careful with a boy who lacks patience, who knows where those photos will wind up, if he gets angry enough.

Did his parents, state these opinions to you, directly? Or is it a mirrored response, after you told him how your parents feel?

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[Yoda]

Originally Posted by Rose76

Your boyfriend doesn't sound like all that nice of a guy.

Your BF wants his way. He does not respect your parents because they place limits on your relationship. That is what parents are supposed to do. He needs to mature and learn to respect people even if he doesn't agree with them.

[hamster-bamster]

Your parents and sisters are right - you will have plenty more boyfriends and this one is sour grapes - but it just might not be what you need to hear now, so calmly tell them that you appreciate them but prefer to just grieve the end of a relationship in peace and at your own pace. Tell them that presently you are not interested in having another boyfriend and just want to be left alone to grieve.

[Lazylady]

I want so much to find the right words to encourage you because what you choose to do in this situation will have a major impact on the rest of your life as well as the lives of children you may one day have. I know this from my own experience and hope you don't make the same mistake I made. He may or may not love you; it doesn't matter. You and your parents deserve to be treated with respect. You must set the boundaries for how others treat you...right from the start. I know you are hurting but please understand that you will get through this and you will feel better. Make up your mind that this relationship is over and then do whatever it takes to keep from thinking about him.....read, watch movies.. . .keep your mind on other things. I won't be easy but you can do it!