[lightinthesky]

All I want to know is how to move on after a break up. Is there any other tips except for "go out with your friends, be around your friends, work more, make yourself busy"? I know that I lost first and maybe last love of my love and I can't stop picturing him living our dream life with someone else, can not believe that we won't have kids together like we always wanted, feeling angry knowing that he is doing much better than me now, that he has taken care of himself when I am so deeply broken. Today was a first day of a psychotherapy, but I still feel dead inside. how do I go through this?

Originally Posted by lightinthesky

All I want to know is how to move on after a break up. Is there any other tips except for "go out with your friends, be around your friends, work more, make yourself busy"? I know that I lost first and maybe last love of my love and I can't stop picturing him living our dream life with someone else, can not believe that we won't have kids together like we always wanted, feeling angry knowing that he is doing much better than me now, that he has taken care of himself when I am so deeply broken. Today was a first day of a psychotherapy, but I still feel dead inside. how do I go through this?

You don't forget. Unfortunately memory is not a selective thing we can just wipe out a memory. But you CAN close the book on this guy. I've learned over the years, for one thing, how to close the book on people I cannot be with that I really wanted to at some point. I wish I had a good explanation but I've learned that love is a choice more than anything. The yearning and wanting of someone is not something easily turned off, period. But that is not the same thing at all. Once you find a way to just decide to accept that it won't be, you can cherish the memories and what you dreamed of as great things that could have been but no longer need to ruin your life. All of the things above you mentioned you don't want to hear, also help but only after you've accepted that the chance of having him is gone.

feeling angry knowing that he is doing much better than me now, that he has taken care of himself when I am so deeply broken

This to me is a very telling statement. That you say you want this man but you resent him for doing well for himself. Have you ever asked yourself why you resent him for this?

[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

You don't forget. Unfortunately memory is not a selective thing we can just wipe out a memory. But you CAN close the book on this guy. I've learned over the years, for one thing, how to close the book on people I cannot be with that I really wanted to at some point. I wish I had a good explanation but I've learned that love is a choice more than anything. The yearning and wanting of someone is not something easily turned off, period. But that is not the same thing at all. Once you find a way to just decide to accept that it won't be, you can cherish the memories and what you dreamed of as great things that could have been but no longer need to ruin your life. All of the things above you mentioned you don't want to hear, also help but only after you've accepted that the chance of having him is gone.



This to me is a very telling statement. That you say you want this man but you resent him for doing well for himself. Have you ever asked yourself why you resent him for this?

Because he has hurt me so much. Because I depend on him with my heart, and he doesn't. Because I love him and I just can't give up hoping. He was a drug addict and left me after he did rehab, he broke up with me on the phone. He doesn't realize what he did to me.

[lightinthesky]

s4ndm4n2006
As you said, I can not accept that "it won't be"

Originally Posted by lightinthesky

Because he has hurt me so much. Because I depend on him with my heart, and he doesn't. Because I love him and I just can't give up hoping. He was a drug addict and left me after he did rehab, he broke up with me on the phone. He doesn't realize what he did to me.

Well if you had him while he was addicted to drugs you probably never did know the real guy. Thing is he may have been attached to you for reasons related to being still dependent on drugs. Now that he feels more independent due to his freedom from drugs, he may not feel the same way he thought he felt before.

You should never depend on anyone so completely that when they are gone, you are lost. it is not a good place to be and I'll be honest, I know how that feels. I've been there before and I feel for you, only having it experienced it enough that i know better now.

I know that it hurts to be broken up with.

He is unable to give you what you need. Close that door.

You say you cannot stop hoping. I think you've mistaken hope for "want" because hope is just that, actually hoping for something, and it doesn't typically bind us in teh way this has done to you. You wish and want for something that truthfully sounds like will never be.

[lightinthesky]

s4ndm4n2006
He was on a prescription drug "methadone" for over 5 years, he never tried cocaine or anything like that.. I used to think that this is just something that he needs to kind of "keep him alive", he was never high or anything like that, so I would never even think that this is not him. But after his treatment he completely cut me out, we lived like a married couple, was I fooled by him? I don't understand now wtf was it! It is like a very bad dream, sometimes I wake up thinking that maybe reality is a dream, and now that I am awake I will see my true reality where we are still together. Despite anything I loved him and I can't believe he would do this to me. I never felt the need too protect myself from strong feelings to him because I also felt loved. How can I close this book? everything is still out there in my heart. I am hoping maybe he will come back to me, maybe it is a mistake.

Originally Posted by lightinthesky

s4ndm4n2006
He was on a prescription drug "methadone" for over 5 years, he never tried cocaine or anything like that.. I used to think that this is just something that he needs to kind of "keep him alive", he was never high or anything like that, so I would never even think that this is not him. But after his treatment he completely cut me out, we lived like a married couple, was I fooled by him? I don't understand now wtf was it! It is like a very bad dream, sometimes I wake up thinking that maybe reality is a dream, and now that I am awake I will see my true reality where we are still together. Despite anything I loved him and I can't believe he would do this to me. I never felt the need too protect myself from strong feelings to him because I also felt loved. How can I close this book? everything is still out there in my heart. I am hoping maybe he will come back to me, maybe it is a mistake.

I can understand your saying that he was never high but the fact that one has to go through rehab to get off any drug at all states there is a major addiction, even if not causing an altered state or high. Thing is methadone is known to be highly addictive opioid drug so some effect on him has to be the case.

A drug like depakote that I was on for over 10 years had an effect on me, and although I was never "high" on it, I definitely am a different person now that i am drug free. I was not "me" on it and it's part of why I quit. Just an example

I cannot say he'd never come back with any kind of authority. But i can say you need to move on, if only until he chooses to do so. You have to, for now, decide that no one, not even someone you love and care deeply about should have the ability to stop your life from going forward. If someone loves you they would not want you to pine away for them when they can't or won't be with you.

Also, having been on a strong drug like that, again not considering being high, internally something has to have changed. If it had no effect on him he wouldn't have been dependent on it. So perhaps part of what he's feeling is the rawness of facing life without this life-changing drug. Maybe it's just been too much for him to bear at this point of time in his life.

[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I can understand your saying that he was never high but the fact that one has to go through rehab to get off any drug at all states there is a major addiction, even if not causing an altered state or high. Thing is methadone is known to be highly addictive opioid drug so some effect on him has to be the case.

A drug like depakote that I was on for over 10 years had an effect on me, and although I was never "high" on it, I definitely am a different person now that i am drug free. I was not "me" on it and it's part of why I quit. Just an example

I cannot say he'd never come back with any kind of authority. But i can say you need to move on, if only until he chooses to do so. You have to, for now, decide that no one, not even someone you love and care deeply about should have the ability to stop your life from going forward. If someone loves you they would not want you to pine away for them when they can't or won't be with you.

Also, having been on a strong drug like that, again not considering being high, internally something has to have changed. If it had no effect on him he wouldn't have been dependent on it. So perhaps part of what he's feeling is the rawness of facing life without this life-changing drug. Maybe it's just been too much for him to bear at this point of time in his life.

Do you think he ever loved me or was it just a side effect?

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Originally Posted by lightinthesky

Do you think he ever loved me or was it just a side effect?

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I don't think caring about anyone is EVER a side effect. But if you want to know the truth, you have to understand how I view love. I can have an attraction and a desire for someone, but to me that is not love, that is the emotion (desire) for them, Attraction is physical desire, or sometimes called lust (no not necessarily a negative or bad thing it just is physical attraction) Those things drive us to draw to others and want to be with them but it is not love. Love is not dependent on desire or attraction. Love is what you do with it. Caring and being with someone because you continually want to give them this, is love, pure and simple. Becuase falling out of attraction can happen sometimes, most of which is temporary, love is continuing the relationship, giving, caring and all that goes with it, in spite of what you feel at the time. Your feelings, lust, sexual needs all will come and go but your love for them has to endure. As long as you depend on how you feel in order to love someone it remains something less than love. IF that all makes sense, then here is my answer

I think that he did feel something for you and I am sure it was real. I am sure that he cared for you and while he was with you yes, he loved you in THAT MANNER. What he felt, and what drove him to do so I don't know, but what I see is that he lost that somehow and I really think his love was based on dependency on you. I don't know what you gave him but without the dependency on drugs, it has gone and he no longer has to rely on you or anyone for whatever needs he had before.

if someone loves you, you don't have to ask. Actions speak louder than words. What they do for you and with you says it all.

[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I don't think caring about anyone is EVER a side effect. But if you want to know the truth, you have to understand how I view love. I can have an attraction and a desire for someone, but to me that is not love, that is the emotion (desire) for them, Attraction is physical desire, or sometimes called lust (no not necessarily a negative or bad thing it just is physical attraction) Those things drive us to draw to others and want to be with them but it is not love. Love is not dependent on desire or attraction. Love is what you do with it. Caring and being with someone because you continually want to give them this, is love, pure and simple. Becuase falling out of attraction can happen sometimes, most of which is temporary, love is continuing the relationship, giving, caring and all that goes with it, in spite of what you feel at the time. Your feelings, lust, sexual needs all will come and go but your love for them has to endure. As long as you depend on how you feel in order to love someone it remains something less than love. IF that all makes sense, then here is my answer

I think that he did feel something for you and I am sure it was real. I am sure that he cared for you and while he was with you yes, he loved you in THAT MANNER. What he felt, and what drove him to do so I don't know, but what I see is that he lost that somehow and I really think his love was based on dependency on you. I don't know what you gave him but without the dependency on drugs, it has gone and he no longer has to rely on you or anyone for whatever needs he had before.

if someone loves you, you don't have to ask. Actions speak louder than words. What they do for you and with you says it all.

I understand. . But I don't think that love should be based on dependency. . If that was what he had - then it wasn't love. I really do know the difference between love and desire and attraction, speaking for myself I know that I truly loved and I feel sorry for myself that I ended up being sheep in this game.

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[lightinthesky]

I gave him love maybe it just felt better to exist for him in that world with love from someone, once his life conditions got better hi didn't need it anymore, or he thinks he deserves better or I don't to be honest.. confused. He doesn't communicate with me and I wish he did, because I need to have understanding in order to feel some relief

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[RomanSunburn]

Something that might be going on with him is his vulnerability to start using again. Maybe he associates you with the drug and with his old life of using. In order for him to stay clean, he maybe felt he had to cut ties for his own self-preservation.

I'm sorry I don't have anything to add to make you feel better. Break-ups are never easy and really, I think you just need some time to process and heal so you can start moving forward.

[Catmom3]

In time you will love someone else... give yourself permission to realize that person will always have a corner of your heart but don't allow them to be the sole focus of your heart. That way when you do love again, you can do so without guilt.

[nycgal448]

Thank you so much, u have put things in more perspective for me. My ex sure did send me a crystal clear message today. Needless to say, I got a kick in the teeth in the end
for caring. I finally thought to myself, why do I keep doing this?? I gave him Every aspect and all that I am of me, but in the end , he did not truly appreciate it. Honestly, he did not deserve it. ... 3 mos ltr.. TIME TO MOVE ON. I deserve a hell of alot better., and so do u.
I learned if someone u love does not appreciate u, move on. We were practically married too. i feel ur pain, but after today; I have SET MYSELF FREE!!!! u should too. gl.

[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by RomanSunburn

Something that might be going on with him is his vulnerability to start using again. Maybe he associates you with the drug and with his old life of using. In order for him to stay clean, he maybe felt he had to cut ties for his own self-preservation.

I'm sorry I don't have anything to add to make you feel better. Break-ups are never easy and really, I think you just need some time to process and heal so you can start moving forward.

I understand that, but I know if that was me, I would do everything it takes to keep the relationship. I told him I would move away with him, change my life with his, he said no. That he doesn't want to do anything with me. It was so cruel, he didn't have to be cruel, did he? I guess I will never know the truth

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[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by nycgal448

Thank you so much, u have put things in more perspective for me. My ex sure did send me a crystal clear message today. Needless to say, I got a kick in the teeth in the end
for caring. I finally thought to myself, why do I keep doing this?? I gave him Every aspect and all that I am of me, but in the end , he did not truly appreciate it. Honestly, he did not deserve it. ... 3 mos ltr.. TIME TO MOVE ON. I deserve a hell of alot better., and so do u.
I learned if someone u love does not appreciate u, move on. We were practically married too. i feel ur pain, but after today; I have SET MYSELF FREE!!!! u should too. gl.

I WANT to move on, I just can't, and it's been a while now. . Have you ever felt that you lost someone so special that it might never be like that with another person? Some people only love once

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[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by lightinthesky

I WANT to move on, I just can't, and it's been a while now. . Have you ever felt that you lost someone so special that it might never be like that with another person? Some people only love once

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Yes, and looking back, it's not truth.
What I have now, far better. And with tremendous growth, through the years, for myself, I don't feel, I'll ever feel that same intense addictive feeling. And that's a good thing.

I prefer, the interdependency. Love is a 'choice'.

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[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Yes, and looking back, it's not truth.
What I have now, far better. And with tremendous growth, through the years, for myself, I don't feel, I'll ever feel that same intense addictive feeling. And that's a good thing.

I prefer, the interdependency. Love is a 'choice'.

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Love is a "choice"? Is it tho?

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[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by lightinthesky

Love is a "choice"? Is it tho?

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Yes, it is.

[Macrick]

Picking up the pieces is the hardest thing one can do, be it a woman or man doing it.

If you are a relatively normal person with no serious mental disorder(s) like I do. This would be alittle easier. Thing is, we all like to reminisce the relationship with the person prior. Interestingly, it's not about the person alone.

So we are actually grieving about the relationship coz it's "dead". I'm pretty sure when we are at our dying days on the deathbed. These people who break our hearts would be least of our concern.

Know the 5 stages of grief, google it & try to understand why you feel dead inside. I been there personally myself.

Neither nor they would reciprocate such feelings back, so don't take it too hard.

[lightinthesky]

Originally Posted by Macrick

Picking up the pieces is the hardest thing one can do, be it a woman or man doing it.

If you are a relatively normal person with no serious mental disorder(s) like I do. This would be alittle easier. Thing is, we all like to reminisce the relationship with the person prior. Interestingly, it's not about the person alone.

So we are actually grieving about the relationship coz it's "dead". I'm pretty sure when we are at our dying days on the deathbed. These people who break our hearts would be least of our concern.

Know the 5 stages of grief, google it & try to understand why you feel dead inside. I been there personally myself.

Neither nor they would reciprocate such feelings back, so don't take it too hard.

I agree with you but I'm afraid I don't miss relationship that much. I miss the person.

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[brokenhrt52]

Originally Posted by lightinthesky

All I want to know is how to move on after a break up. Is there any other tips except for "go out with your friends, be around your friends, work more, make yourself busy"? I know that I lost first and maybe last love of my love and I can't stop picturing him living our dream life with someone else, can not believe that we won't have kids together like we always wanted

Dear lightinthesky

I know how incredibly difficult, painful, heartbreaking and hard it is to move on after a breakup...! People say to stay busy, go out with friends, date go meet someone new but, that is so much easier said then done...! Especially if you were the one who was left... and left without so much as an explanation...
it is so hard to get closure when you really don't know why your partner left...! I was married close to 5 years to a man who was raised in the church his father founded the church and was head Pastor until he passed away approx. two years ago... however, his whole family runs the church his two sisters are pastors and ....?????? for the life of me I can and do not understand how he just left... one morning he went riding with our neighbor and never came back home... he did not tell he wanted to leave or was having issues in our marriage so bad that he wanted to leave it???
He just did not come home... I was frantic thinking something had happened to him as he would not answer his phone or text messages, emails nothing...
I had to wait two days until I called a co-worker of his to see if he was ok...
This co-worker said he was at work and seemed fine... I was beyond hurt, confused and lost... then I got a call from bank about a few returned checks and thought that had to be a mistake, only to find out he had cleared out our accounts, one being a savings account with over $200,000 with was left to me by my fathers Trust... I had been going through some health challenges and was unable to work and he left me high and dry...
penniless with 4 kids to support... I had always contributed financially and made sure his two kids made it through high school and graduated always interacting with teachers and informing his father of things that needed to be done school wise also he his son had some issues with drugs and I was always telling my husband to test him to make sure he was on right path...
but once his youngest graduated poof... he was gone... to this day I still have questions as to why?????? He will not even give me the decency of a one hour counseling session... how could someone be so cold, hard, callous, my home has gone into foreclosure 7 different times in past 2 1/2 years since he has left... he also filed for divorce and I am trying to get am emergency
order of spousal support... I am on food stamps and have no money at all unless I borrow it which has been humiliating... but like a dump *** I still want my husband back or marriage to work... and every couple months or so he will start hitting me up flirting, making me feel as if there might be a chance to work on things only to have him pull me in and then pooffffff...
he's gone again... saying he doesn't know how he feels and ...
I have that fresh wound like he just left yesterday... so mean, uncaring and............. cruel....
please do not waste your valuable time, energy and life waiting for something that is not good and or healthy for you!!!!

>>>>>>>>feeling angry knowing that he is doing much better than me now, that he has taken care of himself when I am so deeply broken.>>>>>>>

I feel so hurt and insignificant that he can just hop in and out of my life so easily without a second thought or ounce of pain... he can just go on without losing any sleep or feeling any pain for us/our marriage...
its just so easy for him... while I on the other hand cry, mourn, grieve and spend hours, days, weeks, months, years professing my undying love and have takin on all the responsibility for the collapse of our marriage even though it was particularly his sneaky, selfish, behaviors that led us to have any marital problems... he would enable his kids and pay for anything and everything and lie to me about everything... in addition he was having an emotional affair the last year while still being with me... which he won't admit to even though I have read all the flirty text messages and got scoop from all his co-workers who are discussed with him...
PLEASE DO NOT WASTE ANYMORE OF YOUR TIME, ENERGY OR HEART OF THIS
MAN OF YOURS... GIVE YOURSELF LOTS OF DISTANCE...
THAT IS WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO SAVE MYSELF!!!!!!!!

Today was a first day of a psychotherapy, but I still feel dead inside. how do I go through this?

[QUOTE=lightinthesky;3455399]Do you think he ever loved me or was it just a side effect?

YES I BELIEVED HE PROBABLY LOVED YOU... BUT, LOVES/LOVED HIMSELF WAY MORE...!!!!
YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!
I WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU!!!
PLEASE KEEP ME UPDATED!
GOD BLESS!!

PS... SO SORRY FOR THE LONGGGGGGG POST... LOL

[lightinthesky]

[QUOTE=brokenhrt52;3473161]

Originally Posted by lightinthesky

Do you think he ever loved me or was it just a side effect?

YES I BELIEVED HE PROBABLY LOVED YOU... BUT, LOVES/LOVED HIMSELF WAY MORE...!!!!
YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!
I WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU!!!
PLEASE KEEP ME UPDATED!
GOD BLESS!!

PS... SO SORRY FOR THE LONGGGGGGG POST... LOL

Thank you. I'm not lazy to read I am sorry for what happened to you, I believe things like that should not be happening to anybody. Maybe it doesn't matter "how and why" maybe we gotta get up and start living again. I really don't know. I can take anything, but can not handle love anymore. I can survive with no money or **** job or being sick or having no friends, but not loving him, this is what is killing me slowly. All I can do is hide it, close the door, pretend it never happened, I don't know him.

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[lightinthesky]

Every time I see his face in my mind - I cry. There was a time, recently when I wanted to sign a song for him, I wrote the lyrics to him, you might know the song:
Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

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[brokenhrt52]

》》》》》Every time I see his face in my mind - I cry. 》》》》

I know I still do the same thing...
I have hundreds and hundreds of pictures and videos of my soon to be ex husband which are still on my computers and mobile phone which I have been unable to completely erase smh...
It's just a daily reminder of the hurt, disappointment, abandonment and loss I feel which is pathetic on my part... every time I get ready to try and transfer them to a disk or something (storage wise) he does his pop in which takes me back in and gives me false hope that he has come to his senses and realized that we really had a workable situation in which we could be together and have a great marriage with better communication...
But he then flips on me and shuts down and avoids me and carries on as if I do not exist...
Until the next few weeks and or months go by and he does same thing...
Too painful...
2 1/2 years of his madness every time I start healing process just enough to be able to go to sleep or not think about the extreme hurt of what will never work between us, POOF HE'S
INITIATING CONTACT AGAIN...
I HAVE GOT TO STOP...
STOP THE MADDNESS...

》》》》There was a time, recently when I wanted to sign a song for him, I wrote the lyrics to him, you might know the song:
Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying
Goodbye》》》》

I have done all that when I feel strong...
Angry at the way I am treat me without an once of respect for me and my family...
But then I reminisce old memories and seem to soften up a little and that's when he seems to catch me off guard...

Do you really the intention behind the words of the song??? Or is it again reaction from him???


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