Seeking complicated relationship advice.

Hi everyone.
I registered here seeking advice. I do not afford to go to a psychologist yet, and i believe this is the best next thing. At least for some advice.
PLEASE BE PATIENT AND READ ALL STORY:
To put long story short...ish. I will keep it as short as i can. Here goes:
Wall of text bellow:

I am in a relationship that lasts for 8 years. Last Christmas i finally proposed. She accepted but it wasn't the yes that i was expecting.She told me i need to change. I knew my behavior in this relationship was not the best. I am not a bad guy(no violence/drinking problems) my only problem(not to minimize it) is the amount of attention i was giving to her.
Prior to that i was happy that she finally found a girl friend that she could understand and be friends with(she was having some problems around this area). So i didn't suspect anything...Until... Her colleague(we are both in our 2nd year in college<she is 27 i am 30>) started coming to our house to study. The always took long walks and they were talking hours on the phone. One night as i took a shower, i walked past the door to the room that they were staying in studying and heard my fiancee moaning with pleasure. You can imagine i know the sounds she makes when intimacy is involved. I was literally shocked. I didn't know how to react. I didn't say anything and i went to sleep.
I waited, and waited. I then started to put together pieces of information and started to see that my fiancee was rejecting me on some levels, activities together, etc things that i was ok with because i have very little time to spend with her(work & school take all the time that i have). I confronted this part with her(not the moaning one, just the rejection part, and her being distant to me). And she told she wants a break. That my proposal for marriage came very late and it was seen as a forced act.
Next week her colleague came again to "study". So i left my phone at home recording and a different phone recording in another room. I know this was unethical but i had too.
That night was the worse night of my life. While they were in the room studying i was listening to the recording while they were in the kitchen talking. So i found out they had a relationship, her colleague loves my fiancee, and apparently the feelings are mutual. The were long conversations. I deduced the my fiancee still has feelings for me too.
Next day i listened to the recording from the room they spent the night in.
Again moanings and kisses and such...
I found letters of love from one to another. The colleague saying my fiancee is the best and a lot of things denoting that she truly truly loves my fiancee. And a single letter from my fiancee to her saying the she loves her and that she is caught in 2 relationships, one being more important than other.
That night i confronted my fiancee telling her i knew about the letters and i heard the moanings from the 2 nights they spent together. So i knew all about it. We talked. My fiancee said she wants a break because she doesn't know is she wants our relationship anymore, and that the relationship with her colleague as partners was over.
But i continued to monitor, record conversations(phone), and although things on the phone seemed friendly and nothing more, today i listened to my fiancee replying i love you too.
Right now i feel lost. And i feel the urge to kick her from my house tonight when she comes home.
It is true that i made many mistakes in this relationship but she continues to lie to me. I realize that i was ignorant for a lot of time in this relationship, but is my fault bigger than hers? I love her but sometimes i just want to say it is over. She said that i drove her away from me and she found in her colleague the things she missed in me, and that she didn't see her as a girl, but that she felt that she was near a boy next to her. This is also the first relationship that girl has with anyone(she always had her suspicions but wasn't sure to her sexuality, my fiancee told me that she is not feeling like a girl inside, that she hates all the girly parts of her).
What should i do.. Should i trust my fiancee? She still spends a lot of time with her colleague saying that they learn together(which makes sense, but i don't know if it is true). She already told me that she will not give up her friendship with her for our relationship. This she said to me, and to her(while i was listening to a conversation).
I know what i did was not ethical. But i wouldn't have known about this at all. I want to continue this relationship, and as long as i don't listen to recordings i am ok, because things in the house are ok-ish. But as soon as i listen my heart torns apart, again and again because she lies to me. And today i have to proof. Audio of her saying the her colleague the she loves her too. Do i confront again? Or do i wait? I am sure I can move past this, but i have to see that she wants it too. And i do not see that. Obviously she is much more careful with conversations now, and that girl stopped coming to our house because i banned her(it is my house). I know for a fact the my fiancee is not staying with me for material reasons, she can always move to her brother, and she said it to her colleague so that part was true.
I know for a fact the her relationship with the colleague started in november sometime after our 8 year anniversary. (she told me it started after new year. i suppose to hide the relationship at the time of my proposal).
What is her angle here? She still wants me ? she does not?.

Thank you.

Hi Dilemmat, If I am reading this right your fiancé is in love with you and a woman too? If that is true, there may not be anything you can do to make the relationship right.
But, she has lied continually to you, which makes me ask will you ever trust her? I know that spying is not right, but you said you needed to know. Once you found out that your suspicions were right you still questioned your fiancé about the future of your relationship!
It sounds like you realize the mistakes you made with this girl, but regardless, problems can be worked out in other ways. Problems in a relationship need to be discussed and worked on and they are never an excuse to cheat. Cheating is an ultimate betrayal and you deserve much more then that.
She said she did not know if she wanted a relationship with you, I would not even give her the satisfaction of playing you like that. I think she made up her mind when she lied and cheated.
I hope that you will move on and find someone who will honor the relationship. And hopefully you will realize the mistakes you have made and correct them with the next girl.
Good luck to you

I agree with the previous poster and add that this thing is over. Regardless of what happens in the future with this lady, I would insist that she move out. She can figure out how she feels somewhere else. It will make it easier for you too.

There is no trust between you at this point it seems. This sounds like torture to me, being in the same house now. I am so sorry you are going through this.
And I'm sorry your heart must be broken. You deserve so much better than this shabby treatment.
I wish you only the very best as you move forward...

I don't think ought to matter to your decision whether she still wants you or not. The trust is gone. You are recording her phone conversations. She refuses to give up the "friendship." It does not seem to me like she is ready to re-earn your trust, and you clearly do not trust her.

I don't know whether her feeling that you did not give her enough attention is only due to how busy you are, or whether it's because of a fundamental mismatch between you two: sometimes one person wants more independence and freedom in a relationship, while the other person wants a much more close-knitted life together. Whether you stay in this relationship or move on to another one, I would think about this very carefully. There is nothing wrong with either of these wants, but it is best if both people in the relationship match in terms of what they want. If it is such that your fiancee will always want more attention than you can or will give, I suspect that she will always be looking for something/someone else to give her what she wants. It is not the right thing to do, but honestly, I find it understandable.

I am sorry for both of you in this situation. It is very difficult. I hope you will figure out what is best for you, and do it.

First off, whether you made mistakes or not.. Her choice to be adulterous is her choice. It is never the victim's fault. They always have the choice to get out of the existing relationship before making a new one, regardless of the reasons, it's all on them if they choose to have it both ways. Period.

I won't even begin to ask you about what you "did wrong". What I will say is her "yes" not being what you expected should be more than a disappointment. It's a huge warning sign even without the additional relationship. She is already telling you to change before you've even tied the knot. Not that it's ok after you do but that it shows how your relationship is going to go into the future. Everyone has shortfalls in life and when one person is busy looking at the other person and what they need to change, they tend to miss their own shortfalls. So even before the adulterous acts happened, I would have a the very least said "hold off" on even consideirng marriage.

As for the rest of it, it may have been unethical to spy on your SO, but you had reasons, but I'm not so sure I'd place your "wrong" at a level higher than outright cheating on you. She has no place to cast the first stone at you for doing what she was doign behind your back. So meh.. It is probably best you found out now. Cheaters tend to keep doing what they are doing until they are called on their behaviors so who knows how long it would go on.

it is up to you at this point, what you do, but from my perspective, I would personally move on. Since she has lied again about ending the other relationship and continued, she clearly shows she has no intention of changing this. Therefore I see no reason for you to pursue her further.

I know this may not be easy to hear but I feel for you and I think you deserve better.

The fact is that I know for sure she still has feelings for me too, and this makes my decision so hard. Sometimes she is really affectionate to me while sometimes she is not. More often she isn't. As for trust, it can be regained. I am thinking that we have 8 years together and we both did sacrifices for this relationship. I haven't made up my mind just yet. I am thinking I should confront hey again and give an ultimatum. A last chance for honesty and truth. I pretty much hate the fact that I spy on her. But I need to in order to know. How else can I rebuild my trust if I have no reason? I think she is somehow trapped between 2 relationships... Meh, emotions are hard.

I am thinking... I still have to make a choice here. She is not being honest to me. I think of giving her a last chance to tell me the truth. I don't trust her now, and that i the reason i spy on her. That does not mean i like it. In fact i hate it. But how else would i know. I need to be informed so i can make the right decision. And there still is the fact that i know she still has feelings for me. But i don't know how strong they are. Sometimes she is affectionate to me, and other times she is not. More often she isn't. But i still have to think, we have 8 years behind us, and we both made sacrifices to get where we are(were). Is that reason enough to try and fight so i can have this relationship? 8 year(we live together for 7 years, just like a family, but no legal documents).
Emotions are hard.

Of course she has feelings for you, feelings don't just go out the door overnight!

But her feelings aren't enough reason to stay. I had still had feelings for my ex when I left him, I still loved the bastard. But you don't go back to a man who beat you blue and purple because you still have feelings for him.
Well, atleast I don't. I didn't mean to sound judgemental

Feelings are fickle when they aren't backed up by anything tangible.

In your case, she still has feelings for you, but doesn't want to stop feeling up the other girl.

Evidence of her feelings being something worth paying attention to, would have been saying goodbye to the gf, without you even having to ask, suggest or even demand.

Something she outright refuses to do.

More examples of feelings being irrelevant in the bigger scheme of things would be:

* "I feel like running naked down the street".

* "I feel like hi-fiving my neighbour in the face with a chair!"

~ Just because I feel like it, doesn't mean a damn thing.

Children are ruled by feelings because its still their primary source of information, they don't instinctively know to cross reference it with repercussions, conditions, or even reality etc.

* My daughter will feel like staying up later than usual not realizing it makes her cranky.

* My daughter will feel like having cupcakes for supper because they're pink.

* My daughter will feel sad and start crying in the shop because I said no.

So, my 2cents?

If you're seriously going to consider keeping this woman around, try thinking on a much larger scale than feelings.

Example:

* Do you really want to stay with someone that lies to your face with ease, brings her lover into YOUR home and then refuses to say goodbye to her?

If your answer is yes, PLEASE ask yourself why you're willing to stay with someone who's deceitful, disrespectful and displays zero sense of loyalty toward you...

*How will she be able to regain your trust when she won't even cut ties with her lover?

Do you expect it to magically appear with time?

* How will you feel and react the next time she makes a new friend?

Will you start spying on her again for peace of mind?

* Why are you SO willing to settle for someone who isn't even at all sure she wants you?

Don't you know you deserve better?

*How do you expect to salvage your relationship when she's unwilling to even try to make an effort?

*What is sooo valuable about this specific relationship that you absolutely have to make it work, what are you getting from her that you cannot get elsewhere?

Because the way I see it 2 timing cheaters are a dime a dozen, you can get plenty of that before you even cross the street.

Sorry my post was so long, but I cannot sit back and say nothing when you are ready to make a HUGE, possibly/probably damaging decision based on something as fickle as an untrustworthy woman's feelings.

I think you deserved to get at the truth. When people refuse to come clean and continue to lie, sometimes the only way to get to the truth is spying. However, it is crucial to be emotionally prepared for anything. I learned that the hard way.

For many Women, it could be a curiosity thing to want to explore with a woman. It is not necessarily anything beyond that.

I think she is at the point to where she needs to figure things out on her own. If this is just a curious phase in her life or if this is the lifestyle that she wants in its full spectrum of reality.

I think she needs space and I do think you will be best protected yourself by giving her space.

I'm sorry this happened to you. I know how hard it is dealing with infidelity. It rips your heart apart.

Hang in there. If its meant to be, it will work itself out. If its not meant to be, you will find yourself with the right partner in the future. Be patient with yourself, too and don't rush too fast into a new rebound relationship....that could be more devastating than the original heartbreak if you are not guarding your heart closely enough. Be good to yourself and trust yourself, the rest will follow.

She lies, she cheats and tells 'you' that 'you' need to change. Doesn't sound promising, even if there are some sort of feelings involved. Relationships need more than just feelings, they need actions to display mutual respect.

You deserve better. I cannot blame you, for recording it, to verify the truth. Now you know the truth.

It's not an easy decision.

2 things i have to say:

1) Not to take her side on all of this, but last post is biased. She did tell me to change before that even beginning the other relationship. But i never made the time to do it. Maybe i was late on this. When i truly realized what i have done, and started to communicate with her and change. But i am sure as hell i don't deserve to be lied to. No matter what i did, i always told her 2 things i would not to do: hit her, or cheat her. And i held both of that true. Not that this would even need to be said in any relationship, but i live in a country where beatings and cheating happen on a daily basis. My only fault was being ignorant too much, and being to focused to go in the career path, rather than the relationship one, believing that she will always be near me. All my plans for future, in any mental image that i have of the future she is beside me. All this need to change now, and this is what makes it so hard. I will confront her again today, and i will tell her i know she still has an unhealthy relationship with her colleague. And that i want her to move out. Until she makes her choice. I didn't want to make her choose between us, because as i said in an earlier post, she has trouble finding female true friends, but i see no way to trust her now otherwise. At least for the time being. I will demand the whole truth form her. And ask her to move out until she reaches her decision(although i am pretty convinced she's made it already).

2) How do i go on solo? I mean... I can't find enough motivation to do anything right now. No school / work / personal projects. Anything i start my mind wanders away. And i cannot focus. How do i regain confidence in my future?

Thank you again. You answers did shed some light over my issue.