[WonkyWonka]

Yesterday I was with this girl I really like, we had a romantic night and everything was going so well. But suddenly she stopped me to talk, she had something she wanted me to know, that she told me would be hard for me to understand, she said she was a sex addict and had a lot of sexual partners, she also told me she broke up with her last ex cheating on him (2 months ago).

She really want to change and I can see she is such a good person, but as a virgin and someone who was cheated before I was surprised and she thinks it's because im judging her, I knew she had a boyfriend and she wasn't a virgin, after she told it I made an effort to understand and also made some questions, but it started to get awkward and she asked to leave. She told me she had a sex partner and deleted him of her contacts after a week we were getting along (We are getting along for 3 weeks or less). I know she was really honest with me, I appreciate it, but it was really hard for me to diggest, I think it's because I'm afraid of getting cheated again, it was the worst experience I had. But I was with too many things in my head and she said my reaction didn't lie, she was afraid I was gonna judge her and for her it happened.

We went home, trying to act normal but it was awkward, I felt like I was being cheated, it brought back so many memories and i couldn't fell well, but only at the time she said she wanted to leave i started to feel anguish, I still love her, I have done anything just to make her happy and now I made she feel that bad.

When I got home I was anguish, I texted her the moment I got there, she didnt know i had a bad experience with cheating on the past So I told her, and that I did remember it when she confessed her past, I said that i knew it's not who she is, I told her i was sorry. She was too bad and said: "I wasn't gonna be a good company for you, that's why I left, i was felling too unconfortable to stay." she also said again I couldn't hide the frustration on my face.

The next morning (today) I remembered a dream I had, when I explained what was on my mind to her and she understood, then we just started acting normal again. I told my dream to her the next morning and that i was sorry, but i don't know if she is really accepting my apologies, that's why i'm here.

Also, she told me some days ago that she had a problem with lying, so this came to my mind, like, what if she cheat and lie to me in the future? I don't want to think like that, but It came to my mind and it wasn't right, did i just judge her? I really want to work on that, and I dont know how.

I need to do some questions based on my history:

1. Was I wrong to act like this?

2. Is there something wrong with me?

3. How do I stop feeling so insecure (If it is what is really happening here)?

4. What should I do next?

I'm really lost and in need of some guidance, any help will be welcome, thansk for reading my case.

I don't think you did anything wrong and certainly there isn't anything wrong with you. I think she feels some shame for her behavior and wanted to be honest with you, a good intention maybe, but after having a romantic evening was probably not the best time to disclose. I imagine you showed some surprise and dismay on your face. We all want to feel we are special to our partners. If it had been me in her place I would have kept that information to myself. My husband doesn't know of all my early experiences 28 years down the road. It would have only hurt him I think.

[hvert]

You didn't do anything wrong and there is nothing wrong with you. Most people would be upset to learn that someone they care for has a sex addiction and a history of cheating.

People can overcome that kind of behavior. Perhaps your girlfriend could explain why she believes she is 'over' that now?

And why did she tell you? Was it a warning?

I may be misreading your post, but I consider it a red flag that she is upset that you are 'judging' her. It sounds to me like she has not fully accepted how wrong her behavior has been in the past, which is not a good sign for your future together. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[StuckinRut]

I also don't think you did anything wrong. Something like that is bound to be a shock. On one hand it may be a good thing that she chose to tell you, as it may mean that she wants to be honest. My concern, in such a situation, would be whether she would relapse at a later date. Also, as hvert says, is she opening up, or warning you? My guess is that she wants to tell you more, but she is scared of the consequences and also feels ashamed. Perhaps the question is what caused her to develop that addition and what has changed to enable her to recover from it.

Originally Posted by hvert

I may be misreading your post, but I consider it a red flag that she is upset that you are 'judging' her. It sounds to me like she has not fully accepted how wrong her behavior has been in the past, which is not a good sign for your future together.

It would be difficult to guess at why she isn't facing dismay her boyfriend displayed with open arms- my guess is that, really, no one likes to feel shame.

Even if she accepts what she did was wrong [which I think would be the assumption I'd go with if someone is revealing something to me like that], wants to make amends, wants to change, is changing... she could still feel shame about it.

Even if you think you are prepared for ANY kind of reaction someone might have, it's still going to hurt.

I don't think the OP did wrong by reacting naturally or questioning at all, but it's going to be a painful thing to process this and gain some trust given the new context.

That's pretty much just how life works- we face consequences for our actions, sometimes they suck, bad things make us feel bad. Not much getting around a lot of that.

:/

[Hong Kong Fluey]

Value her honesty. Talk it through with her. Decide whether it's right for you.

However don't end things because of what people may or may not do. You are not a fortune teller and if she does end up cheating on you, no matter how horrible that will be, it won't be your fault, it's hers, just as it would be your fault if you cheated on her.

[LaborIntensive]

“Sex addiction” is a newfangled category that was invented in 1986 by prison addictionologist Patrick Carnes. The criteria for this disease are either hopelessly vague, moralistically specific, or subjectively applied—typically by anguished spouses, decency crusaders, or “addicts” themselves who are in genuine pain. The subjectivity and moralism around the diagnosis are one reason it isn't included in the DSM-V
As a psychotherapist and sex therapist for over thirty years, I just don’t see the value of the “sex addiction” diagnosis. It assumes that people who FEEL out of control ARE out of control. It assumes that the only kind of healthy sex is wholesome and intimate sex. It assumes that any self-destructive use of sexuality is pathological—while ignoring the fact that most of us periodically abuse every activity we really value, whether it’s working, eating, playing golf, reading romance novels, surfing the web, or volunteering at our Church.
And the sex addiction “treatment” can be a nightmare. Again, like the diagnosis, the standards and rationale are all over the map. Some programs insist that “sobriety” means no casual sex, while others ban pornography or even masturbation. Some sex addiction counselors are ignorant or judgmental about non-traditional activities like S/M, non-monogamy, internet role-play, swing clubs, even sex toys. Most sex addiction programs and counselors see no legitimate value whatsoever in massage parlors, escorts, or other commercial venues.
Millions of men and women are in real pain about sexuality out there: I’ve seen them in my office every single week since 1980, before “sex addiction” was even invented. I get hate mail whenever I write about this subject, and it always includes 'you've obviously never spoken to people in pain about their compulsive or destructive sexual behavior.' In response, I can only sigh: I’ve spent tens of thousands of hours working with people who could be (or are) labelled sex addicts. I don’t deny their suffering at all.
I just know there are better ways to conceptualize these peoples’ problems. That leads to better ways to treat them—because it aims toward more positive, more adult outcomes.
When sex addicts complete their treatment, they’re still addicts, facing a lifetime of recovery. When someone completes high-quality sex therapy, psychotherapy, or couples counseling—really completes it—they’ve changed. They still have their biography and vulnerabilities, but they’ve resolved the problems that brought them into therapy. They know that sex is not dangerous—it’s a grand opportunity for self-expression and celebration.
Later this week I’ll describe the specifics of an approach to sexual compulsivity and self-destructiveness that doesn’t depend on lifelong recovery.
Meanwhile, if you’re wondering about whether sex addiction exists, take the Sexual Addiction Screening Test. You’ll discover that you’re either a sex addict, or at risk of becoming one. The test primarily measures guilt, shame, secrecy, and experimentation—that is, standard American sexuality.

Originally Posted by LaborIntensive

“Sex addiction” is a newfangled category that was invented in 1986 by prison addictionologist Patrick Carnes. The criteria for this disease are either hopelessly vague, moralistically specific, or subjectively applied—typically by anguished spouses, decency crusaders, or “addicts” themselves who are in genuine pain. The subjectivity and moralism around the diagnosis are one reason it isn't included in the DSM-V
As a psychotherapist and sex therapist for over thirty years, I just don’t see the value of the “sex addiction” diagnosis. It assumes that people who FEEL out of control ARE out of control. It assumes that the only kind of healthy sex is wholesome and intimate sex. It assumes that any self-destructive use of sexuality is pathological—while ignoring the fact that most of us periodically abuse every activity we really value, whether it’s working, eating, playing golf, reading romance novels, surfing the web, or volunteering at our Church.
And the sex addiction “treatment” can be a nightmare. Again, like the diagnosis, the standards and rationale are all over the map. Some programs insist that “sobriety” means no casual sex, while others ban pornography or even masturbation. Some sex addiction counselors are ignorant or judgmental about non-traditional activities like S/M, non-monogamy, internet role-play, swing clubs, even sex toys. Most sex addiction programs and counselors see no legitimate value whatsoever in massage parlors, escorts, or other commercial venues.
Millions of men and women are in real pain about sexuality out there: I’ve seen them in my office every single week since 1980, before “sex addiction” was even invented. I get hate mail whenever I write about this subject, and it always includes 'you've obviously never spoken to people in pain about their compulsive or destructive sexual behavior.' In response, I can only sigh: I’ve spent tens of thousands of hours working with people who could be (or are) labelled sex addicts. I don’t deny their suffering at all.
I just know there are better ways to conceptualize these peoples’ problems. That leads to better ways to treat them—because it aims toward more positive, more adult outcomes.
When sex addicts complete their treatment, they’re still addicts, facing a lifetime of recovery. When someone completes high-quality sex therapy, psychotherapy, or couples counseling—really completes it—they’ve changed. They still have their biography and vulnerabilities, but they’ve resolved the problems that brought them into therapy. They know that sex is not dangerous—it’s a grand opportunity for self-expression and celebration.
Later this week I’ll describe the specifics of an approach to sexual compulsivity and self-destructiveness that doesn’t depend on lifelong recovery.
Meanwhile, if you’re wondering about whether sex addiction exists, take the Sexual Addiction Screening Test. You’ll discover that you’re either a sex addict, or at risk of becoming one. The test primarily measures guilt, shame, secrecy, and experimentation—that is, standard American sexuality.

This is all helpful information.
To accept that the woman in question has what could be dx'd as an addiction is assuming that this is the legitimate situation she finds herself in, and has been given input on that from someone who might have professional training in such a thing.

Disregarding whether the label of "sexual addiction" is helpful, the actual issues that you describe surrounding the problem may or may not be present. When a person says they identify with a certain label, it's difficult to tell by what criteria they are going by- particularly, as you point out- one as vague and ill defined as sexual addiction. It is unclear from the OPs post whether this is a label she has embraced strictly on her own or been given.

Given that, it might be most beneficial to actually address the issue of cheating. As the OP presented it, this is not a one-time thing for their SO, but a pretty consistent pattern or at the very least a many time occurrence.

I personally feel the label is not very useful because of the inconsistency in its application- as you said, but not because of the suggestion by the label that something good can have mildly negative consequences occasionally.

Aren't diagnoses to be made on the basis that it interferes with a person's functioning? So occasionally drinking too much, going through a couple weeks where all you do is strictly adhere to scripture, or occasionally having The Laziest Day Ever because you glue yourself in front of the television and eat ice cream are not necessarily addictions nor are they necessarily worth of diagnosis or any structured treatment.

When someone says they want to change, it doesn' t mean there is something pathological. The pathology comes in when it is consistently destructive to their life as a whole and the various relationships and endeavors within that life.

I kind of find a lot of diagnoses [in individual situations] to be unnecessary based on your statement of assumption of pathology.

In any case, there is no way to actually know whether the behaviors described in the original post are actually pathological [rooted from impulse control problems, personality disorder, attachment issues, any number of things], label or no label, because none of us know this person.

But dude, I'm a professional nothing, so obviously it's all opinion ha.

[Tiger Dust]

Honestly, it doesn't sound like she's your girlfriend or that you guys are even right for each other. Just move on.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by WonkyWonka

she thinks it's because im judging her

started to get awkward and she asked to leave.

She told me she had a sex partner and deleted him of her contacts after a week we were getting along (We are getting along for 3 weeks or less). I know she was really honest with me, I appreciate it,

I'm afraid of getting cheated again, I need to do some questions based on my history:

1. Was I wrong to act like this? no

2. Is there something wrong with me?no

3. How do I stop feeling so insecure (If it is what is really happening here)? it's normal, to fear becoming close to anyone, and as relationships build and grow and developing, there's little or big stepping stones every couple takes to build to the next level.

4. What should I do next? If she's feeling insecure, by expressing a feeling of judgment from you, there's not much you will be able to do, to sooth that within her.

I'm really lost and in need of some guidance, any help will be welcome, thansk for reading my case.

It's commendable, that she decided to delete the last of her partners, as she's considering delving into a relationship with you. It's up to her, to recognize, that she, herself, is feeling very vulnerable, at this moment, for sharing all of that, with you. Perhaps, it's more a fear of rejection?

Just because she has behaved in a self professed promiscuous manner, doesn't necessarily make her a sex addict. Sounds like there's more to her, than how she has acted out, in the past with risk taking behavior. To look at it, that behavior can increase the risks for many things. Still, doesn't necessarily translate into a sex addict, lest a professional medical doctor, aka, psychiatrist has actually given her a diagnosis. Otherwise, the behavior and the self-diagnosis are actually a misnomer.

If she wants to seriously, make a remarkable change, in herself, there's assistance out there to help, provided it's her choice.

Doesn't translate that she'll necessarily cheat, but if she doesn't come to terms with what's inside of herself, it could seep out in other ways/behaviors.

[Rose76]

If she told you she had a problem with lying, you can figure she does. I think that is a bigger thing to worry about than her sex history.

Sorry you're suffering with feeling insecure. Realistically, maybe that's how you should feel.

[WonkyWonka]

Thanks for all the answers, I considered every single one (except for Tiger Dust's one), I also wanted to say that you guys are doing a really good thing helpin someone you doesn't even know. I really appreciate it.

I can give you more information about her or me, it' wouldn't be a problem at all if it will help to help me out.

Yesterday I met her again, we were 85% normal, so the awkwardness was really almost gone. She didn't rush to mention Saturdays's situation so I felt relieved, after a hour of talking she asked me if I had something to else to say about that day, I wasn't so into talking about that and made it short, I told her I just needed some time to diggest what she told me on that day, and that I was ok now. She thinks that there was no motive for me to act like that. I hadn't read all the comments till now so I was still not sure about what was the right thing to tell her.

I don't know if her past will affect me at all, considering the possibilities that was been given by all of you. In order to get our relationship back on te trails i was putting on my mind that her past doesn't affect me because we are living the right now. But your posts are really making me think... Was it a red flag? One information that is worth being given is that on her previous relationship, the one she cheated, it was because their relation were really bad, and she told me that her ex assumed it was 80% his fault, she didn't disagree about that. Will it mean that if she cheats on me it will be expected to be my fault to her? I may be wrong, but that was what came to mind. The worst feeling I've ever had was to be cheated so I think I'm scared it will happen again, maybe I'm too attached to this idea but I can't be sure. I have the tendency to assume everything was my fault when I could have done something.

Also seeing her in better mood did really good to me, I feel no anguish now, I was doubtful whether it would still be good still with her or not, but seeing her again in better mood and trying to overcome it as well made my day better.

I'm having tests now, I work and study so I'm tight on time. I need to read all your comments again.

We are both 22.

Thanks for all your kindness, understanding and helpful information again.

If you guys could comment on that too it would be really great for me.

[Rose76]

It takes time to know someone. I would say that you should keep an open mind to both possibilities that maybe she is, and maybe she isn't, the right girl for you. She seems like someone who is pretty good at coming up with excuses for herself. Also, it sounds like she was kind of testing you to see how tolerant you would be. Be prepared for this relationship to involve some mind games and see how it goes.

Ask yourself what it is about her that is the biggest attraction. We all get lonely when we are without a partner. Sometime the only thing a person offers is that they are better than having nobody at all. You don't want to build a life on that. Watch how she treats people and how she talks about people. See if she really has a good heart or if she is inclined to use people. Only time will tell you that. Sometimes people show their truest colors when they are bored. See how she handles boredom. It's part of life. If she tends to break commitments when she is bored, then you can't count on her. Sounds like you want to give and get sincere dedication. She may be just passing the time in whatever way feels most entertaining at the moment. Time will answer you your questions. The answer might be hurtful.