musik needs help

This is musik, I am a senior in high school. I have felt and lived through many hard times. But I'm having a hard time living through it all now.
My parents divorced when I was maybe a few months old. I grew up with my mom and sister and after a while, my step-daddy, just daddy to me. My real dad tried to get back in touch with me when I was 9. I had to start living with he and his girlfriend as well as her two teenagers. When I was 12, I was diagnosed with OCD. After the good first impression wore off, I began to see that I was being mistreated at my dad's house, mostly by the girlfriend. When I tried to become my own person in middle school, my dad's girlfriend got a job at my school, where they took full control of me. As a freshman in high school I asked them if I could move back with my mom with whom I had still lived with through shared custody. I was told no, the mistreatment got worse, and rot iron bars got placed over my bedroom window. It was a true cinderella story. I was not the type of person to stand up for myself so I turned my pain inward.
I started hurting myself and, at age 13, overdosed. I passed out from the overdose and went unnoticed for more than a day. I started hanging out with the wrong crowd at school and got into drugs and some pretty bad stuff. I developed an eating disorder. I think it was my way of control, I had no control of my life, so my eating habits were the one thing I did have full control of. My best friend realized that this was how i was coping and helped me convince myself that I needed to stop. I asked to leave one last time, and when I was told no once more, I decided to run away. After a run-in with the police, I got an MIP but was eventually taken back to my dad's house. I overdosed that night, for a second time.
I was placed in a mental hospital for about three weeks (I'm pretty sure while I was detoxing?) until I was transfered to a treatment center where I stayed for four months. The relationship between my dad and I became very strained after numerous discussions where I always ended up being in the wrong. I was in the treatment center for Thanksgiving and Christmas. A few days after Christmas was the last day I talked to my dad. His girlfriend finally pushed him to end our relationship. When I got out of the hospital I moved back in with my mom and started my freshman year in February, somehow managing to get one credit and failing 4 classes (the jerk never disenrolled me! ).
But before summer was over I was classified a sophomore. Now, I am a Varsity Cheerleader with a 3.5 GPA and about to graduate in the top 20 of my class!! (hopefully... I'm close =)) I don't think there is a day in my life that I don't think about my dad. I know Hate is a strong word, but within a year, I grew to hate my dad. I couldn't stand him in my life,... and now it's hard to stand it without him in it.
I have felt very happy with my progress, but more than once, sank back to hurting myself. I talk to my family a lot, and everyone tells me, "It's his loss" and "WE'RE here for you". I realize this, I do, but I can't help but feel that "It's MY loss too!!" and "THEY'RE just not enough sometimes". I miss my dad so much. I have tried to contact him many times. At first I was just ignored, but one night, I had him cornered. He told me he hated me and wanted nothing to do with me. That I ruined his life and that he wouldn't hurt if I died the next day. That hurt sooo bad. But I want so bad to just be able to come home from school and tell my dad about the boy I like or ask for help on my homework, and I know that's never going to happen. I want to talk to him about my life and the hard times I am going through. I want my dad to watch me graduate, or walk me down the isle at my wedding, but that too is too much to ask for. I guess all I can ask for right now is the strength to keep moving and hope that someday I will be able to deal with the fact that I don't have him in my life. I really need that day to come soon. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I really do not know. It may sound stupid of me even wanting anything to do with him,... but I do! Any suggestions on what to do while I wait for my day??

I didn't have much of a relationship with my father. He didn't like me, because I reminded him of my mother. He was having all sorts of affairs & abandoned my mother & the children. He even started calling another woman his daughter (she wasn't really), because she was what he wanted in a daughter. He didn't want me.

That hurt a lot, but in time I just had to deal with the reality of my life & focus on what I did have. I've tried to improve my quality of life by seeking professional help & just letting go of my dream to have a real dad who loved me.

I think you sound very mature & will be able to have a full life without contact with your dad. Don't pine for him or let him hurt you anymore.--Suzy (P.S. I'm 52 now & had several suicide attempts in my teens as well. That's not the answer. You can learn to cope.)

i'm sorry that you're feeling so much pain over the loss of a relationship with your dad. adults can do very stupid things that really hurt their children. and i think he did some stuff that should have gotten him into trouble.

having said that, it's not unusual that you would miss him. he's your father and we all want a relationship with our parents. one that works.

your father has made a really painful choice about a relationship with you and at this time, there's nothing you can do about it. perhaps he will come to his senses one day and until then you need to find some help, via therapy, to work through all of these feelings of pain and hopelessness.

if there is a possibility of getting therapy, please do so. and congratulations upon holding your own in school and achieving so much!!! good luck and Merry Christmas! xoxoxo pat