Codependent?

Help! My therapist recently decided I'm codependent. My boyfriend doesn't see it at all. I tried explaining the symptoms, and he says I don't fit them. I started going to Codependents Anonymous, but if I'm not codependent, why bother?

I'm totally open to what my therapist says, but this has thrown me for a loop. Any suggestions? Can you give me a brief description of codependency? Maybe that would help. Thanks!

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Basically if you were told you are codependent, you allow others to control you, manipulate you. You may feel this makes you feel good, you may feel like you are taking care of someone, but you are being used and like I said before manipulated . Usually people that are codependent have a low self esteem, they put all their needs and wants last.
These are not healthy traits for any healthy relationship.

Well, I definitely have low self esteem, but I don't think I put my own needs and wants last, and if someone tried to manipulate me, I'd probably get up in their face about it! Lol

I can kind of see these behaviors in myself when I'm working, but not in my personal relationships. Is it possible to just be codependent in certain situations?

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Sometimes you don't need someone to manipulate you for you to put your needs last, if you have low self esteem, odds are you are really nice to your partner and (maybe) secretly really grateful just for his companionship, doing what you can to repay him. Codependent also means you rely on your partner for support that isn't always healthy. For example, I'm in a non-abusive relationship, but my partner enables some of my self-destructive behaviors, like he will do all the grocery shopping and before you know it I haven't left the house for three months. Perhaps your relationship has more "issues" like these? Sorry if I'm completely wrong by the way.

Hmmmm.... You might be on to something there. My boyfriend doesn't push me to get out at all and will pick up dinner if I don't go to the store. But that's about it. I mean, we're super nice to each other all the time, but that's just how we believe we should treat each other. You've definitely given me something to think about!

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This is sort of how my relationship is with my husband. He realizes I'm stuck in a severe depression so doesn't push me to do stuff but will encourage me to join him in activities if I wish. He has very high self esteem and is very happy. He definitely sees the great importance in him having a balanced life, so I think that despite all my carrying on about how depressed I am, he keeps it in perspective and doesn't let that weight him down too much. He has talked to a therapist about me, so I think that has helped him to not feel guilty about living his own life to the fullest despite me being, for the part, not functioning well at all.

@gloamingone + newgal2: These things are complicated, I'm afraid for all of us as this can stunt us getting better, but also very thankful that we are with people that treat us well and with much love. It is always better than those that would abuse people with mental issues, I believe. Much luck to both of you.

Did your T explain why?

I just want to point out that your therapist said you were codependent, but your partner dismissed it, and that made you rethink it. Think about that situation. Your partner determined something that should really be your choice- your thoughts are the ones that matter here.

Codependency is complicated and can be pretty subtle. If I were you, I would focus on learning about it and absorbing what you learn and processing it over time. Even if you don't claim the label, aspects could still be relevant and give you insights. I would say, keep going to co-anon and worry less about the label and more about what you can gain from others' experience. The label doesn't heal- you reaching for knowledge and new perspectives heals.

*hugs* Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming!

Being open to what your therapist says versus just doing what your therapist says because they say it and not having an opinion of your own what you think and want to do, that could look codependent to me. Who did your T say you were codependent with?

Asking other people their opinions and what they think and what they think you should do, etc. and not looking at a situation and deciding what you think and want to do about it (it is your life, not anyone else's) and then doing what you decide for yourself; how did you get going to Codependents Anonymous, for example, without thinking/knowing if you are codependent and what you wanted to get out of the experience? Just "going" there won't help you, whether you are or are not codependent.

My therapist says I'm codependent with my parents, who I no longer have contact with. I think I display some codependency in work situations, too, but not with friends, kids, or significant others.

My therapist wants me to go to these meetings. I honestly don't know what I want out of CODA. Lol I hoped to learn more about codependency, but the meeting I went to was a topic meeting and they just sat around listing what they were grateful for.

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I could look it up on line but I believe you should do that for your self. My concept of Codependency (I was one) is: An unhealthy relationship with another Codependent. And there are two basic forms of Codependency: the high/aggressive Codependent and their low/passive partner/victim Codependent. The two types can sometimes change places and go to the other side of Codependency so, it would help me at least to know more about what your therapist said or meant. If you examine the characteristics of Coda (I'm shortening it) you may see these two opposites and the fact that Codependents can mix and match the characteristics but the main thing is: are they happy and OK in their relationship? I went to CODA because I was miserable in my marriage!
good luck,
jim

Yes, and it's possible to be many different kinds of a Codependent even without ever being unhappy about it. The bottom line is: Are your relationships OK
and happy - OR NOT?

Well, since Codependency comes from our parents in the first place, exactly what did the therapist say? What are the details and particulars of this codependent relationship with your parents (most are!). Was the relationship happy, sad, angry, fun, boring, manipulative, dangerous, troubled, LOVING, negligent, indifferent, hostile, friendly, or what?

Exactly what do you display at work and not with the others?

You can go to meetings for idol curiosity but its ludicrous to go there if you don't know why you're going or don't identify with the characteristics. Does your therapist ever tell you more about this stuff?

LOL, you might get more out of online meetings - google it.
good luck,
jim