[CupcakeJ]

Hi there,
I understand some of you will judge me after reading this story, and I understand that completely. But I'm hoping to get some good, practical advice or just a clear view I suppose, cause I'm a bit lost.

A few months ago I met someone at work and instantly fell head over heels in love. We got assigned to work on a project together so I was over the moon. When I (would) stand next to him, I wouldn't even hear other people talking. He's no flirt or supermodel, but I can't stop thinking about him. Besides me being in love with him, he was always there for me whenever I needed help at work or was worried about something. He always knows how to comfort me by saying I don't need to worry (I always worry about everything...)

I never thought those feelings were mutual, cause his wife was about to give birth to their 3rd child. Until about 2 months ago, when he asked if should meet up for a drink.... "This shouldn't happen", he said, but we met up, kissed and started seeing each other more often. It was hard for us to focus on work and I know I haven't had a proper night sleep ever since (not exagerating!) I felt so in love, stressed out, guilty, sleep deprived and told my colleague we couldn't go on like this. Especially since we agreed he would never leave his family. I told him I wanted a date, until then and then we'd leave each other alone. He got reassigned to another project because I was able to finish the initial one by myself, so that was a good thing.

Two weeks went by, but then we had an appointment for work together. He wanted to go for a drink afterwards to talk about things. I agreed, but just to talk. After our meeting he tried to kiss me, I pushed him away but could only do that once. He's like a drug to me... or I'm just too stupid I dont know.
Anyway, I was still so stressed out and had sleeping issues that I started to develop more physical problems. I went to the doctor and turned out something really is wrong with me. 3 weeks later, I got diagnosed with a disease that they're not able to cure (I'm 25 btw) I won't die from this but I'm gonna need loads of medications to hopefully slow down the disease. Although the disease was inevitable (it has apperantly always been in my system) but probably became active due to stress and lack of sleep...

By now, my colleague has become like my best friend, he calls me every day to ask if I'm okay and tries to help wherever he can. He worries about me, loves me and really supports me. After I heard the doctor's news, he was the first person I called and I feel I wouldn't have been able to handle it without him. I asked him if we could please just be friends, but we just can't do it.

Last week, he wanted to come by my place (I can never say no). I told him, in the heat of the moment but also via the phone earlier, that I can never sleep with him because I won't be able to deal with that (and it's just crazy). "Let't just try it, just once, I love you so much, I want to be with you". So yeah, I caved, I was afraid to disappointment him. He didn't want to use any protection, and I'm angry at myself for agreeing to that. I'm not on birthcontrol and am not allowed to have kids for the next few years because of this disease and the meds. I also told him that but he didn't really respond. He told me to get a morning after pil, which kind of felt like a *****slap. (I told him so often I want to have a baby so bad, preferably his, even though I know that's not an option!)

I'm confused, he wants to meet up again next week. I can't go through this disease without him (heavy treatment for another 3 months) and I love him so much. But I do notice that I feel sicker (physically) every time we've met up.

And I also don't understand why he doesn't feel guilty?! I'm so confused and feel like a lost little girl whenever he winks at me and tells me I look beautiful. I know the only answer is to call it quits, but I wish we could just be friends since we understand each other so well.

Please someone talk some sense into me?!
xxx

Hi Cupcake and welcome to PC,

You need to stop seeing this guy, I feel sorry for his wife and kids.
It will be hard but tell him "You're walking away"

Sorry I can't more helpful.

[Rose76]

People feel guilty when they violate their own values. This guy does not feel guilty because what he is doing does not conflict with his own values. He will have zero interest in being friends with you, once the sex aspect is denied to him.

So you think he and you "understand each other so well." There is an awful lot you don't understand about him, but you will by the time he gets done with you. It may be a lesson you just need to learn the hard way. If you haven't already seen it, get the movie Waiting to Exhale.

Hopefully, you will soon get the opportunity to overhear him on the phone talking to his wife, or one of the kids. You'll hear in his voice a level of caring that he will never have for you. It will hurt bad to hear it, but it may shake you out of La La land. (I've dabbled in this kind of thing, years ago. It's not worth it.) The level of "caring" that he does have for you can be transferred to another woman very easily. And it will be.

I'm not judging you. Somewhere along the line you missed the boat on being truly cared for. (So did I.) This feels so good now because you've never had the real thing. I'm sorry for what you've missed. I was late in finding it too. This is not it.

Sure . . . you can have a baby by him. If you desperately want a baby, this might be a good chance. It will lead to him despising you. Here's how little this guy cares. He has already figured in his mind that, if you do get pregnant, he can easily push you into an abortion . . . because you won't want to displease and disappoint him. He is very sure of that, which is why he's not worried about birth control. He is winking at you thinking how like putty in his hands you are.

At age 25, you can do a lot better for yourself. Stop wasting your time. You are not getting any younger. Get what you really want and desperately need. This is not it.

[CupcakeJ]

Thank you for your understandig and the wake up call. I've seen him with his wife and kids, knowing I will never have that with him. Yes that hurts, but I know it's reality.
I also know I want him to leave me alone, I've told him that several times. He just keeps calling me and I allow him to persuade me I suppose. You're so right with saying "stop wasting your time", because I know that's all this is...

[forever16]

Hi CupcakeJ, Welcome to this site.
I hope you can see this man for who he really is. He is a smooth talking cheater. You have no future with him. You feel good when your with him now but that will change. He is married with 3 kids, he will not leave his wife. (he probably doesn't want to) He is using you, just for a sexual relationship. Get out now, your stronger than you think. You can deal with your health issues alone. You will come out of this better without him. You deserve better. Good luck to you.

[trying2survive]

Originally Posted by CupcakeJ

Hi there,
I understand some of you will judge me after reading this story, and I understand that completely. But I'm hoping to get some good, practical advice or just a clear view I suppose, cause I'm a bit lost.

A few months ago I met someone at work and instantly fell head over heels in love. We got assigned to work on a project together so I was over the moon. When I (would) stand next to him, I wouldn't even hear other people talking. He's no flirt or supermodel, but I can't stop thinking about him. Besides me being in love with him, he was always there for me whenever I needed help at work or was worried about something. He always knows how to comfort me by saying I don't need to worry (I always worry about everything...)

I never thought those feelings were mutual, cause his wife was about to give birth to their 3rd child. Until about 2 months ago, when he asked if should meet up for a drink.... "This shouldn't happen", he said, but we met up, kissed and started seeing each other more often. It was hard for us to focus on work and I know I haven't had a proper night sleep ever since (not exagerating!) I felt so in love, stressed out, guilty, sleep deprived and told my colleague we couldn't go on like this. Especially since we agreed he would never leave his family. I told him I wanted a date, until then and then we'd leave each other alone. He got reassigned to another project because I was able to finish the initial one by myself, so that was a good thing.

Two weeks went by, but then we had an appointment for work together. He wanted to go for a drink afterwards to talk about things. I agreed, but just to talk. After our meeting he tried to kiss me, I pushed him away but could only do that once. He's like a drug to me... or I'm just too stupid I dont know.
Anyway, I was still so stressed out and had sleeping issues that I started to develop more physical problems. I went to the doctor and turned out something really is wrong with me. 3 weeks later, I got diagnosed with a disease that they're not able to cure (I'm 25 btw) I won't die from this but I'm gonna need loads of medications to hopefully slow down the disease. Although the disease was inevitable (it has apperantly always been in my system) but probably became active due to stress and lack of sleep...

By now, my colleague has become like my best friend, he calls me every day to ask if I'm okay and tries to help wherever he can. He worries about me, loves me and really supports me. After I heard the doctor's news, he was the first person I called and I feel I wouldn't have been able to handle it without him. I asked him if we could please just be friends, but we just can't do it.

Last week, he wanted to come by my place (I can never say no). I told him, in the heat of the moment but also via the phone earlier, that I can never sleep with him because I won't be able to deal with that (and it's just crazy). "Let't just try it, just once, I love you so much, I want to be with you". So yeah, I caved, I was afraid to disappointment him. He didn't want to use any protection, and I'm angry at myself for agreeing to that. I'm not on birthcontrol and am not allowed to have kids for the next few years because of this disease and the meds. I also told him that but he didn't really respond. He told me to get a morning after pil, which kind of felt like a *****slap. (I told him so often I want to have a baby so bad, preferably his, even though I know that's not an option!)

I'm confused, he wants to meet up again next week. I can't go through this disease without him (heavy treatment for another 3 months) and I love him so much. But I do notice that I feel sicker (physically) every time we've met up.

And I also don't understand why he doesn't feel guilty?! I'm so confused and feel like a lost little girl whenever he winks at me and tells me I look beautiful. I know the only answer is to call it quits, but I wish we could just be friends since we understand each other so well.

Please someone talk some sense into me?!
xxx

cupcakej, if you keep seeing this guy, it's going to get worse. and its going to be harder and harder not to see him. i once fell for a girl like that and she was like a drug to me, just being around her was intoxicating, i couldn't stop thinking about her, when she would call or text i would start shaking every time i saw that number, unfortunately she had a drug problem and a bf, it took all i had to get away from her & she ruined my relationship with a good woman that i left to be with her. i'm sorry i ever started fooling around with her . it was a horrible mistake, but the things she said to me made me feel so good, i just loved it. she always seemed to know just what to say and what buttons to push. if you can muster up the strength, pull away before you get in too deep, it's only gonna hurt worse, trust me & good luck

[Rose76]

He will not leave you alone just to respect your wishes. You are asking him to make it easier for you. He won't do that. He likes the set up, as it is, and he's not going to walk away from it voluntarily. Don't plead with him to understand how this is hurting you. That just convinces him of how much you adore him, and that makes it harder for him to walk away.

You'll have to do the hard work of not taking the calls or answering the doorbell, when you know it is him. Maybe you don't have the strength for that. If not, then you'll keep this thing going, until he gets bored with you. That might take a while because you are young and at the peak of your attractiveness. You might even keep doing this for a few years. Eventually, it will end. Then you will be older and having a harder time attracting the kind of guy you would really like to have.

The older you get, the less guys there will be who are single in your age group. Out of loneliness, you may end up doing what you do best - offering yourself to married men. You may end up going from one married guy to another. That's a terribly sad way to live. As it is, you are going to have to accept a certain amount of pain. Take the pain now. Later, it will only be worse.

[Rose3]

Not judging you. Is he really a "best friend"? In what ways does he care about you? Ok - so the two of you have been attracted to each other. Why not take a retreat from all this for a while - time and space for you to reflect on all of this.

[CupcakeJ]

Thanks for all your advice. So my question isn't really should I keep seeing him - no, I know I don't want that anymore. The question was more, how do I get him to leave me alone.

Yesterday I told him "I want out, leave me alone"
He said, okay, but I want to meet up first and have a drink together. So I said "no, we're not meeting up". And then I walked away. This may seem like empty words, but I never stood up to him before so he was sort of shocked. Of course, easier said than done. But so far he hasn't called/texted me, so that's a start.

To the question, why is he my best friend. That's because he's been really supportive since I got sick, at work but also if I needed someone to tell my story to (while crying, no sex). I do have other friends btw
Still confused, but I'm so done with this guy and really should be foccusing on my treatment. Will never understand why he doesn't feel guilty about all this, because thinking about it makes me feel sick. But perhaps you're right and he has different values.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by CupcakeJ

The question was more, how do I get him to leave me alone.

Yesterday I told him "I want out, leave me alone"
He said, okay, but I want to meet up first and have a drink together. So I said "no, we're not meeting up". And then I walked away.

Good for you. You're catching on. He'll leave you alone when he gets convinced that he's wasting his time trying to get back in bed with you. That may take a while because he is going to test to see if he can break you down, like he's done in the past. For a while, he may even step up the charm offensive, looking at this as a challenge.

You may be thinking that he'll have to accept that "we can only be friends." You are going to have to accept that you can't even be friends. When he realizes that your "no" is really a no, he is going to be pissed off, mark my words. You kind of "have something" on him, and he is not going to like that one little bit. Be prepared for him to even start talking bad about you at work. He's going to be like a spoiled bratty child who isn't getting his way. Oh, first, he'll go the charm route. But the brat won't be far behind.

I hope I'm wrong, but if he does get nasty, do not even try to sweet-talk him into being decent. You'll just get sucked into more head games, which he is way better at than you are. Be courteous and businesslike. Don't criticize what he's done. You can say something like, "It was exciting getting to know you. You're such an interesting man. But this was not doing either of us any good, and I'm afraid we just can't go on." Say it once, and that's it.

In his mind he may get worried that you are planning on becoming his enemy. So that's why I say don't criticize what he has done. Don't imply that he victimized you. (What you did was consensual.) You can smile pleasantly when you pass him in the hallway. But pass right on by.

Hopefully, you will be able to keep your job. (He may want you out of there.) If you see him getting involved with another woman at work, just mind your own business.

I hope he doesn't get ugly with you, but be prepared for anything. You may have some more lessons to learn from this. Do not let him ensnare you into some kind of "negotiation" with him. Like he'll say "We have to meet over a drink to talk over everything and figure where we go from here." No you don't. Look humble and say, "Try to understand . . it is easier for me this way." You don't want this guy as your enemy. You can even throw some salve at his ego by saying, "I'm heartbroken at letting you go, but I know I must." It sounds like a line from a cheap melodrama. That's okay.

Good luck. I hope this goes smoothly for you. Then keep your dating life private. Don't discuss what you do outside of work at work. Don't give him anymore information about your private life. Don't turn to him for support or friendship. This guy is no girl's friend. When he pesters you consider saying, "What we had was beautiful and I'll always remember it that way." Then get the heck away from him. You'll leave him a bit confused, but less likely to trash talk about you on the job.

[hannabee]

I'd threaten to call his wife...that should get rid of him!!!!

[waiting4]

Originally Posted by CupcakeJ

Thanks for all your advice. So my question isn't really should I keep seeing him - no, I know I don't want that anymore. The question was more, how do I get him to leave me alone.

Yesterday I told him "I want out, leave me alone"
He said, okay, but I want to meet up first and have a drink together. So I said "no, we're not meeting up". And then I walked away. This may seem like empty words, but I never stood up to him before so he was sort of shocked. Of course, easier said than done. But so far he hasn't called/texted me, so that's a start.

To the question, why is he my best friend. That's because he's been really supportive since I got sick, at work but also if I needed someone to tell my story to (while crying, no sex). I do have other friends btw
Still confused, but I'm so done with this guy and really should be foccusing on my treatment. Will never understand why he doesn't feel guilty about all this, because thinking about it makes me feel sick. But perhaps you're right and he has different values.

I agree with Rose, even tho it might grate that you may need to 'humble' yourself...Don't forget however, if he does start trash talking you or doing other things to show his displeasure (because he probably will) report him to the HR dept of your company for sexual harrassment. It DOES NOT matter that you did actually have an affair with him. Once you told him it was over, it is now his responsibilty to respect that and leave you alone. If the company doesn't follow through then go to the Labor Dept in your state/area.

You also need to understand that your immediately 'falling in love' with him was probably orchastrated by him....seriously. It's happened to me. Once you're further away from it, you'll start to see how it occured, and it won't feel so mystical or 'meant to be', as it may now. And because he so quickly, eagerly went into an affair with you, whilst his wife was busy succoring his 3 child, I'd be willing to bet the farm you're NOT his first affair. Nor are you likely to be the last.

I'm particularly annoyed with his suggestion (?) that you get the morning after pill after he convinced you to do something you knew was particularly dangerous to your health....this, my dear, is NOT the thing a 'best friend', a 'soul mate', or even a 'really nice man' would EVER suggest. Not the first part, and certainly not the second. It seems to me, the person who really does care about you, and is honestly supporting you, is your doctor. Not this man. Btw...odds are, when you mentioned a possible pregnancy because of the unprotected sex he insisted on, he was only thinking of future child support. Not your feelings. Nor his wife's.

I'm sorry for your situation. And trust me, I know all to well how awful it is now and will be later. But just as everyone has already recommended, you need to dump this loser (and don't shake your head....he IS a loser and a user) ... take care of yourself, stop 'selling yourself short' as my aunt used to say.

There really is a good man out there for you. This is not a good man. So he's not for you.